Found out yesterday that we have until the end of this month to get V into the same place as us, or we lose our assistance. Even though we are paying her expenses (as much as we can) Our choices are: she moves in with us in this too small apartment, register at a school that she will most likely only be at for about 4 months, then have to register at a school in Point (which is where we are trying to get to right now) but we keep all our assistance OR she stays out at the grandparents where she will be going to the school she has been registered at since 5th grade and they have more room for her but we lose the food stamps we use to buy her food and all three of us lose our health insurance. She is on ADHD medicine so she can't lose the insurance. Thor was told by Remedy that there will be openings at Worzella at the end of this month. But that doesn't help us now.
If we had the money for gas, we would move her in here and still keep her at her current school, since WI is an open enrollment state. But we just don't have the income for that. We both want to keep her there, she had asked that we wait till next year to change her schools. But unless someone else pays for the gas to get her to and from there, it just wouldn't work. AARRGGHH!!. First she loses her sax due to financial issues, now she will be losing her school.
Well... later.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
More exercise than normal today. Doing laundry.... washer/dryer in the basement and we are in a 2nd floor apartment. So, one long flight and one short flight of stairs. 4 time already today and still have 2 more loads that need to be finished tonight. Then tomorrow I will do another 4 - 6 more loads. Yup.... they got way behind. He has back issues and can't lift more than 15 lbs. She.... I think... wasn't shown the correct way to do things. When she puts wet stuff on the line she keeps them up overnight. She only does 1-2 loads a week, which for a family of three (one of which considers her clothes dirty after only 1 use) is not enough. I haven't even started to make a dent out of the clothes needing to be washed. I only got through the clothes that were waiting to get folded and brought upstairs. I told him that I will wash, dry, fold and bring up but he/she needs to put away. I want to stay out of their room as much as possible. It's their room, it should be the way they feel most comfortable with. But I brought up about 5 loads that were waiting for folding and bringing up. And I have washed 4 loads already.... two more to go (1 in the dryer the other waiting for it.) Yup..... a lot more exercise than usual. And still not enough food to sustain the energy needed to do such things. Still need to do the dishes too. That is my last job of the night. Once that is completed, I am done for the night. It's always been my daily last chore.
Well. I gotta get going.
Later.
Well. I gotta get going.
Later.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Was able to contact the correspondence school that I got my HSED from. There's another $10 I have to come up with. Sadly, My daughter is losing her saxophone, so we will have a bit more money each month, that I might be able to do something about it. It might only be one thing each month but it would be better than doing nothing at all. Thor has been told that there should be work for him one of the places he is actively trying to get into, at the end of this month. But that doesn't help me now. I need $10 for my high school transcripts, $15 for the background check, and $20 for the accuplacer tests. But at least I know what I need to do to get things moving. I just hate the idea of V losing her sax. We only have about 9 months left before the thing is paid off. If we return it now, and reapply for it after getting an income we will have to start all over with it. And there is no one that I can ask for the money. DAMN... why do things always have to work against me. What did I do in a past life, or even in the past of my current life, to warrant all this hopelessness. No work, no family, a marriage I don't want to be in anymore but have no security to be able to get out of. And I am also realizing that I am at that point in my life that some of my friends are not fitting in. I can't be 18 anymore. Thor can, and does. He wants to be that 18 year old that doesn't need to worry about where he sleeps at night. I can't. I just can't. I am that 38 year old that has children who need me to be a stable influence in their lives. I HAVE to be the adult.
I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.
Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.
I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.
Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Things are still a bit bumpy. We have landed safely, and looks like we might be staying longer than we thought. The people we are with want go in together with a place. He likes my cooking, especially since I have been experimenting with new recipes. We have tried 7 new ones and have only found one that we didn't like, and even then it was only the side dish that didn't turn out. The issue is trying to get enough for first months rent and security deposit on a bigger place. We want to try to get a 3 bedroom house, one for them, one for us and one for the girls. Cuz right now we don't have enough room for V to stay with us. And she is not enjoying being out at the grandparents place.
My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership. But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later
My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership. But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later
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