Been a while. Not much has changed though. My life is still struggling to keep food on the table and the bill current. No break. Never a break. I don't ever remember a time, since being on my own since 16, when I didn't have to struggle to survive. I would like to be able to breath, to be able to afford food when I wanted to get it without worrying that that money should go to pay a bill instead. Life shouldn't be about giving up food to pay the electric bill. Or putting the gallon of milk back so that you can put gas in the car. Or not getting those fruits and vegetables because if you did then you couldn't pay the medical insurance for that month. I have never gone a month without having to worry about dividing money so that we can pay the bills but only get half the food we need. I am just so tired. I won't give up, cause I am just to damn stubborn to give up. But I would like to be able to enjoy my life instead of wishing it had never happened in the first place.

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think that will ever change. They are my only release, my dreams that is. I know that the guys don't truly exist. They are only figments of my imagination, but they are the only things that have kept me going. I live to dream of them, cause only with them do I feel useful and worthy of life. I have no delusions in this reality... I know how truly worthless and useless I am. The air I breath, the space I take up and the resources that are wasted on me would all be put to much better use if given to someone/thing else. But I will keep trudging on until the Mother calls me back to her embrace. But my dreams, they are what keep me sane. They are what I use to make my life more bearable for myself.

Well, time for bed. I am tired. Later.