Still waiting for the seat to get fixed. I have suggested that his brother help him, but it didn't happen. I suggested that I help him, still waiting for him to let me know when. I can't drive the car til the seat is fixed, my legs aren't long enough to reach the peddles. I feel like he is trying to hinder me again. I want to get my license, he claims he wants me to too. But yet, I can't drive cause something needs to be fixed and he won't get it done. I would do it but I have no clue as to what, and where it needs to be done.

He knows, even though he won't admit it, that I am having serious thoughts about leaving him. I honestly thing that that is what is going on. He claims to want me to succeed but then does things so that I can't. Cause if I don't succeed, I can't leave him. I can't prove him wrong.... that having a degree does not automatically guarantee a job. Especially when you don't take the time to update that degree. He honestly believes that a place like Best Buy is obligated to hire him cause he took the time to get the degree in the first place.... in 1999. He hasn't taken any tests or updates for that degree since then. But he still expects them to WANT to hire him. He knows that if I get my degree, I will be able to get hired within 1 year of getting it. Why? Cause I will actively seek out work. He didn't. He thought the jobs would come to him and all he would have to do was sit there and watch the offers roll in. Yup... He is that arrogant.

I know that I will have to do a lot of footwork just to get a foot in the door, but since I am choosing a field that is everywhere I know that there would be jobs wherever I move. BIT, Biomedical Information Technology... advance medical billing and coding. I would be able to work at any medical facility that needs to charge insurance companies for services rendered. Just need to get shit together enough to pay the rest of the admin fees for school. Gotta do that soon to, so that I can have classes settled. That way I can let any job that I might be able to acquire what hours I would not be available due to class scheduling. $50, that's it, that's all I need. But there ALWAYS seems to be something more important than that. Somehow, someway... I need to find a way to get it done.

He thinks that once I start school that I won't get a job. But yet when we first moved here I was taking online classes while working part time. So I know I can do it. Had to stop cause we couldn't afford the monthly payments for me to continue taking the classes. So I had to drop out. The new classes, at a different school, are less expensive than the other ones, so my financial aid will better cover it.

Well, arm is starting to hurt to much, so... Later

Well... I am one small step closer to getting to Montana. We have finally renewed my temps. Now we just need to get the seat fixed in the Mountaineer so that I can reach the pedals so that I can get some drive time. I feel fine driving on the back roads and in Rapids (since I know it so well). It is roads like business 52 and Hghwy 10 (I think it's 66 now) by the DMV in Point that make me nervous to drive. Next week, I am setting aside the $20 for the accuplacer tests at MSTC. I received a letter from them dealing with my registration for classes in the 2012 year that I didn't actually finish registering for... and if I wanted to be placed on the list for the 2013 year. I returned it with an affirmative. So I have to get the tests taken (and hopefully I don't have to repay the other fees) so that I can get the class registration confirmed. There are a couple of classes that are hybrids (half in person, half online). But the 2013 schedule isn't up yet...so. We will have to wait to see. I should have my license by then....hopefully. But the 2013 schedule had one that was a hybrid, the in person class was a lab for science. Luckily in the morning, so if they schedule the same times then even if I don't have my license it shouldn't interfere with Hubby's sleep pattern to much. But since most of my classes will be online, I am hoping that I can get a part time job also. So... my goals are:

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There... those are my goals for the next 2 years with their steps to completion. 

Still dreaming about the cowboys though. I just wish they were real. Cause I love to think that since I dream about them so much, that they must dream about me sometimes.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one being bombarded with these dreams and feelings. They are just to strong to be aimed at just me. Are you out there? I know they don't actually read this, if they do exist. When would they have the time? I guess I will find out in two or so years. 

Although with the timeline already being pushed back 1 year from the original date, that means that the youngest will not be moving with me. She would be the end of her sophomore year at the time that I graduate. I wouldn't want her to change schools that late in her high school years. She already have friends (and enemies) established. And, even though things can change drastically in high school, I don't want to disrupt that with changing her schools. SO... she would stay here with her father, while I move. I would get her during summer. No... I wouldn't take her for holidays... why spend family holidays in a place where only 1 family member is... spend it in the place where the majority is. Then, after she graduates, if she wants to move out there with me, she can. Besides... she is flip-flopping between chef and veterinarian as a career choice. So, I told her to do both. We have her classes already figure out for the next four years. Then, if she chooses Vet she can check out the colleges in MT, WY and CO. Plenty of ranches/vet offices out there for her to volunteer at to get hands on experience. Sure there are farms here, but she doesn't want to work solely with cattle. She wants horses in there to and most of the farms in our area are strictly cattle. So... I guess even my moving to MT is for someone else's dreams too. 

Now, hubby is another story. I believe he thinks that since I am willing to work on getting a job, my license and school that I am planning on staying here. I do still plan on trying to purchase the house we are in, but I also still plan on moving to MT. Why buy the place when I plan on moving? For many reasons... 1. I know that if something fails, I have a place to go. 2. When we come to visit, we have a place to stay so that we aren't all crowded into one place. 3. If the children want/need a place to stay they have one. 4. If MT doesn't work out for hubby, he has a place to go. 5. If I move before V graduates high school, I know she has a roof over her head that is not under constant threat of being lost due to income fluctuations. 

I can almost guarantee that hubby will need the place. He doesn't like doing housework, so being a house husband won't happen. He doesn't want to work in the hospitality industry, so all hotel/motels are out. He hated bar-tending/waiting so all bars and restaurants are out. He can't physically handle feces or has the knowledge to handle large animals, so all ranches are not options. He won't update his college degree so all computer based positions are out also. He has an attitude that would get him fired at a gas station or grocery store within the first week of working. So that leaves him with.... nothing. He won't be able to find a job. So he will give up. He will decided he doesn't want to be there anymore and decide that we all are going to move back here. What he doesn't realize is that I am NOT coming back. He can. I won't stop him. But once I get there, I am not leaving it. I KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I was supposed to be there a while ago. But shit happens. I had promised myself that I would be there by the time I was 40. Well.... that will not happen since my degree takes 2 years to get and I am 39 this year. But getting ther at 41 is not a bad compromise. He will try... I know he will... but it isn't where he is supposed to be. It isn't what he is supposed to be doing. I truly believe he belongs here, in WI. And even stronger, I believe he belongs here, in this house. I don't know why, I just feel that this is his place... my second home. MT is my first. It is small enough that he should find it easy to maintain and clean but large enough to have room for the kids when they want to stay. And if I get a decent enough of a job in MT, I would be willing to help with upkeep costs, whether or not we stay married. Granted my own place would be priority of course, but if he needed help with something I would be willing to help him out. Mostly because then I know my kids would be safe while staying here. Granted my youngest only has 4 years left before she turns 18 but.... they are still my kids. 

Anyway. That is what is going on. I will keep crossing off things on my list as I get them completed. 

Later.

Well, we have about 5 months for shit to straighten out. Found out that the roommates are planning on moving out before the next school year.. August. We were under the impression that they were planning on being here for about 2 years when we signed the lease. I understand, and agree, that they need to consider themselves before all others... that's the way it should be. But I just wish they would have given us a bit more time... I know 5 months seems like a lot of time... but I have been looking for work for 3 years and still haven't found anything. Hubby is still only temporary, so we don't know when his last day will be. We hope he goes permanent but we won't know until they decide and tell him. So, even though 5 months may seem like plenty of time to others, it isn't to us... especially since we originally thought they would be here for 2 years total.... and it has only been 6 months. So... there go my 2 year plans of school then moving to Montana. Must place my dreams on hold, again, so that the family is taken care of first. I am just getting so tired of having to put MY dreams on hold. Husband got his... school, degree. He may not be working in the field his degree is in, but then he isn't keeping himself up to date either. He feels that since he got his degree in the first place employers should be clamoring to get him on their payroll. But his technology degree is 13 years old, and had NEVER been updated.

AARRGGHHH!!!! When will I get a break? I just want to be able to go a few months without having to worry about how we are going to pay the rent, or the bills. Or squeezing out enough money to make sure there is gas in the car so that he can get to work. I want to be able to start paying back all the money we have borrowed over the years instead of having to keep adding onto it. I want to start feeling like I am actually accomplishing something with my useless life instead of just being a waste of space. Right now, I am worth more dead than alive. I am utterly useless. And I am starting to see that I will never be anything other than that. And it is a waste of my time to actually try to be more than that.

Getting a bit depressed so I am going to sign off for now. Later.