Why is it that all the men I would like to have in my life are fictional? Now, I know that most of the books I have been reading are western themed, and the man I married is as far from a cowboy as a man can get (I have never even SEEN a real cowboy anywhere near where I live). But thinking back on my life, and all the men that have been in it, are nothing like what I actually want in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not REPLACE any of them for they all had a part in making me who I am today. But yet, looking back on it all, they weren't (and aren't) what I truly WANT in my life. I would never stop being friends with all of them as true friendship is hard to find these days, but I have never found true love either. Now I know that Coalfaxx, Nico, and Ravyn all hinder my finding someone that I could truly feel deep feelings for, but I haven't ever truly been IN love with the men in my life. I love them, but not IN love. Maybe I can't feel love. Am I that dead inside that love is an emotion that I can't really feel? Guess I will never know.

Maybe I should stop reading fiction. Then I wouldn't miss what I am not allowed to have or deserve for that matter. I need to be more than worthless to be able to have more in my life.

Still, not much change going on. I got a raise but that was due to the company increasing it base wage throughout the entire chain. We were doing well enough that I wasn't having to struggle to pay the bills but he thought we needed renew a loan that was $20 away from being paid off. So now, the first payment for that loan has bounced cuz we just don't have the money right now. And the little bit I got from the quarterly bonus now needs to pay for a new lawn mower instead of an oil change in the car. AARRGGHH!! No relief. We both had two days off together. Knew about it weeks in advance. So I got all the information we should have needed to start the home loan process together. Then come the day I had set aside for us to go, and he decides he doesn't want to go. If I didn't need his income counted, I would have gone alone. But my income alone isn't enough to get a loan the size we need. I have also had to use all the money that I had set aside for my GED on gas and food. So I have to try to squeeze that out of my ass now too.

Please, cowboy, take me away. Please.