Why is it that all the men I would like to have in my life are fictional? Now, I know that most of the books I have been reading are western themed, and the man I married is as far from a cowboy as a man can get (I have never even SEEN a real cowboy anywhere near where I live). But thinking back on my life, and all the men that have been in it, are nothing like what I actually want in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not REPLACE any of them for they all had a part in making me who I am today. But yet, looking back on it all, they weren't (and aren't) what I truly WANT in my life. I would never stop being friends with all of them as true friendship is hard to find these days, but I have never found true love either. Now I know that Coalfaxx, Nico, and Ravyn all hinder my finding someone that I could truly feel deep feelings for, but I haven't ever truly been IN love with the men in my life. I love them, but not IN love. Maybe I can't feel love. Am I that dead inside that love is an emotion that I can't really feel? Guess I will never know.

Maybe I should stop reading fiction. Then I wouldn't miss what I am not allowed to have or deserve for that matter. I need to be more than worthless to be able to have more in my life.