Ok... well some things have changed since the last time I wrote on here. We have moved. The view out my front window is closer to what I would like it to be but not quite.

Behind us is the town... in fact we have the school parking lot RIGHT behind us. We have a double lot, so we have plenty of room for the gardens that I would like to have next year. We moved in to late in the year for me to do anything productive this year. I even have room to have a small herb garden, a separate medicinal garden and a large vegetable garden. Plus space around buildings and trees to have the non-useful  flowers. So what's the problem? The roommates. We, Thor and I, cannot afford the place on our own as of yet. He is working, but he is still only temporary yet. Once (and if) he gets hire on permanent he will receive a pay raise and have guaranteed hourly work. Only then will we be able to afford the place...barely. We wouldn't have money for anything else... even gas in the car, but we would have the place to ourselves. I have no issue with the one roommate that is helping with the bills and rent... I have a problem with his..... in short, his whore. She has no income so she doesn't pay ANYTHING towards rent and bills. She has been here just as long as the rest of us (which is 7 weeks) and she has only washed dishes twice, has never vacuumed, never cleaned the house, never done laundry, takes 30 minute showers, eats 3 times a day (and no... the rest of us don't eat that much a day), never cares for "her" animals, and expects us (Thor and I) to give her money when she asks for it ("as a favor to the other roommate"). The ONLY thing she does around her is have sex with the roommate whenever he wants it. So, yes... that makes her a whore.... she gets paid for only having sex with a person. And it is pissing me off. I can't kick her out cause she is on the lease, and he says that he has already talked to her about being lazy, but nothing has come of it. She is 18 years old and wants to be treated like an adult, but my 13 year old has proven to be more mature than her. We, Thor and I, give the roommate $45 a week to pay for our portion of the rent, (we pay ALL the bills, even his portion, so we take that amount out of our portion of the rent. And he asked us to split up our rent portion into weekly amounts so that he has money every week instead of just at the beginning of the month since he only gets paid once a month.) We gave him the $45 last Friday but on Monday they were asking for money to put gas in the tank. So... where did the $45 go in 2 days.... that would have given them a half tank of gas.... but they ran out before the weekend was over? The sad thing is, we've know the roommate for years... so we know that if it was just him the tank would have been full, or at least half full, even today. But he doesn't seem to know where any of his money is going. Yup... he has his head so far up her ass that he can't see how she is taking advantage of him. He thinks she is letting him be who he is, that she is not trying to change him. But she is.... just by taking away his options manipulatively so he doesn't see it.

So, that is what is going on here. My long term plans have only been altered, not changed. I still plan on getting my degree and moving out to Montana. What has changed is that even after I move I will have to continue to help pay for this place. We are in a land contract. And Thor and I agree that this is our best option to get a place of our own, right now. Even though he hasn't said it, he believes that my plans have changed. I will help to pay for the place, cause then I will know that I have a place to stay when I come to visit. And I will also know that my daughter will have a roof over her head and the bills will be paid while she is here. I know that she wants to move with me out there, but in two years she might just want to stay to finish school.

So.. I have finally been able to start paying for the additional fees to finish getting registered for school. I sent out a check to get my high school transcripts sent to MSTC. With Thor's next big check, which is Nov 2, I will be paying the other two, plus taking the placement tests next month. I will also be renewing my temps so that I can start working on my license again. Hopefully this time I will be able to get more practice in so that I can feel confident when I take the tests.

I still have that dream though. The extravagant one where I get hired as a housekeeper/cook for a ranch out there. Of course my boss(es) are hot cowboys... but then who doesn't want hot cowboys as their dream bosses? I know, I know... I should stop dreaming impossible dreams. But then without dreams a person will never have goals, right?

Anyway. I am done for now. Just as a warning though. Most likely I will be on here regularly to bitch about my roommates and husband. So a lot of the blogging I will do will be repeat of previous ranting.

So..... Just had to add a nice view, hehe.

Found out yesterday that we have until the end of this month to get V into the same place as us, or we lose our assistance. Even though we are paying her expenses (as much as we can) Our choices are: she moves in with us in this too small apartment, register at a school that she will most likely only be at for about 4 months, then have to register at a school in Point (which is where we are trying to get to right now) but we keep all our assistance OR she stays out at the grandparents where she will be going to the school she has been registered at since 5th grade and they have more room for her but we lose the food stamps we use to buy her food and all three of us lose our health insurance. She is on ADHD medicine so she can't lose the insurance. Thor was told by Remedy that there will be openings at Worzella at the end of this month. But that doesn't help us now.

If we had the money for gas, we would move her in here and still keep her at her current school, since WI is an open enrollment state. But we just don't have the income for that. We both want to keep her there, she had asked that we wait till next year to change her schools. But unless someone else pays for the gas to get her to and from there, it just wouldn't work. AARRGGHH!!. First she loses her sax due to financial issues, now she will be losing her school.

Well... later.

More exercise than normal today. Doing laundry.... washer/dryer in the basement and we are in a 2nd floor apartment. So, one long flight and one short flight of stairs. 4 time already today and still have 2 more loads that need to be finished tonight. Then tomorrow I will do another 4 - 6 more loads. Yup.... they got way behind. He has back issues and can't lift more than 15 lbs. She.... I think... wasn't shown the correct way to do things. When she puts wet stuff on the line she keeps them up overnight. She only does 1-2 loads a week, which for a family of three (one of which considers her clothes dirty after only 1 use) is not enough. I haven't even started to make a dent out of the clothes needing to be washed. I only got through the clothes that were waiting to get folded and brought upstairs. I told him that I will wash, dry, fold and bring up but he/she needs to put away. I want to stay out of their room as much as possible. It's their room, it should be the way they feel most comfortable with. But I brought up about 5 loads that were waiting for folding and bringing up. And I have washed 4 loads already.... two more to go (1 in the dryer the other waiting for it.) Yup..... a lot more exercise than usual. And still not enough food to sustain the energy needed to do such things. Still need to do the dishes too. That is my last job of the night. Once that is completed, I am done for the night. It's always been my daily last chore.

Well. I gotta get going.


Later.

Was able to contact the correspondence school that I got my HSED from. There's another $10 I have to come up with. Sadly, My daughter is losing her saxophone, so we will have a bit more money each month, that I might be able to do something about it. It might only be one thing each month but it would be better than doing nothing at all. Thor has been told that there should be work for him one of the places he is actively trying to get into, at the end of this month. But that doesn't help me now. I need $10 for my high school transcripts, $15 for the background check, and $20 for the accuplacer tests. But at least I know what I need to do to get things moving. I just hate the idea of V losing her sax. We only have about 9 months left before the thing is paid off. If we return it now, and reapply for it after getting an income we will have to start all over with it. And there is no one that I can ask for the money. DAMN... why do things always have to work against me. What did I do in a past life, or even in the past of my current life, to warrant all this hopelessness. No work, no family, a marriage I don't want to be in anymore but have no security to be able to get out of. And I am also realizing that I am at that point in my life that some of my friends are not fitting in. I can't be 18 anymore. Thor can, and does. He wants to be that 18 year old that doesn't need to worry about where he sleeps at night. I can't. I just can't. I am that 38 year old that has children who need me to be a stable influence in their lives. I HAVE to be the adult.

I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.

Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.

Things are still a bit bumpy. We have landed safely, and looks like we might be staying longer than we thought. The people we are with want go in together with a place. He likes my cooking, especially since I have been experimenting with new recipes. We have tried 7 new ones and have only found one that we didn't like, and even then it was only the side dish that didn't turn out. The issue is trying to get enough for first months rent and security deposit on a bigger place. We want to try to get a 3 bedroom house, one for them, one for us and one for the girls. Cuz right now we don't have enough room for V to stay with us. And she is not enjoying being out at the grandparents place.

My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership.  But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later

Boy, you know you have it bad when you are sitting on the couch at 2 am on a Sunday morning listening to country music, wishing for that mysterious dream cowboy to come save you from your own life.

I don't know why, but when ever I look at Mikey's photos, I hear Josh Turner singing in my head.

Well, I am going to have to wait to start school until January. I don't have the money to pay for two of the up front fees, and I won't have it before school starts next month. In fact, Thor's unemployment runs out next month, so in about three weeks we won't even have money to pay for V's saxophone and our storage unit. And job searching is as productive as it has been for the past three years.

Not much else to say. Just here. No purpose, no need, just...here. It's a sad life to live when a person is worth more dead than alive. Just sad.

Later.