Boy, you know you have it bad when you are sitting on the couch at 2 am on a Sunday morning listening to country music, wishing for that mysterious dream cowboy to come save you from your own life.

I don't know why, but when ever I look at Mikey's photos, I hear Josh Turner singing in my head.

Well, I am going to have to wait to start school until January. I don't have the money to pay for two of the up front fees, and I won't have it before school starts next month. In fact, Thor's unemployment runs out next month, so in about three weeks we won't even have money to pay for V's saxophone and our storage unit. And job searching is as productive as it has been for the past three years.

Not much else to say. Just here. No purpose, no need, just...here. It's a sad life to live when a person is worth more dead than alive. Just sad.

Later.

Well, unless my brother in law is able to borrow me the money for the other fees that I didn't know about, I won't be able to go to school in August. There is a $20 accuplacer test that I didn't know about, plus the $15 background check fee. If he isn't able to afford it, then I have to wait till January to register. And even then we might not have the money. What is it about me that whenever I make plans and start the process to better myself, financial and emotional shit gets thrown in the way to make it so that it doesn't happen? Like taking 10 years to get me HSED due to money issues. Now I might not be able to go continue my degree due to not having $35. I know that one reason why I want to push the issue for going in August is so that I can get financial aide. Looking at the costs, my pell grant will cover most of the cost of the class tuition. Which means just a small portion of the loans would cover the books and lab fees. Which would leave me about $1000 to help with living expenses till January. But it is more than what we have now. I also believe that once I get back into school, finding work will be easier. Employers will be more willing to hire me cause I am proving that I can do something other than just sitting on my butt. I will have to check to see if there is any other monetary assistance that I should be able to get with going to school. Plus maybe I would be eligible for some scholarship and such. Who knows. I guess I just have to wait to see what Mute says. Not much else going on. Hopefully by the end of this week I will have good news.

Later.

It's sad when we are sitting inside the apartment watching a movie, when the fireworks are being set off about 10 block from here. Why are we sitting here? Cause Thor doesn't want to be anywhere near the crowds. Plus since we haven't seen any of our friends in more than three years, he assumes that we aren't wanted. Sad part of it is, he doesn't realize that it is his choice not to communicate with them. The only way I can is on the internet. I don't drive so I can't just go visit them. And the cell hone we have is Thor's, so he doesn't want any non essential phone numbers in it, or at least numbers that HE deems non essential. I would love to be able to give the number to friends so that, just maybe, I would have someone else to talk to. But it isn't mine. So, I just have to wait til we have an income and get our own cell phone plan.

I keep wanting to find a texting pal.... like the old pen pals... someone from Montana. So that maybe I can have a friend in the area already, someone that would be willing to get to know me now, through texts so that once I get out there I would have someone to introduce me to others people. A person always needs friends.

Once able to, I will be trying to get back into contact with my other friends. I don't like my life as it is right now. I don't want anyone to see me as I am now. Since we are now in a situation where we can start to change our diets, that will help. Plus, since we are staying in an upstairs place, I get exercise going up and down the stairs. We just need to wait til the 14th change our diets. That is when we get our food stamps. Until then, we have tuna and mac & cheese.. Since we are all flat assed broke, that is all we have. We had to leave all our food at the trailer. What was left of it at least. We also have to make sure that we buy food and take it out there a couple times a month. V is still on our stamps, so we need to make sure she gets food.

Anyway....

Later.

I think I said this already but just in case..... I HATE this effing town. The only saving grace this town has are what friends I still have here. Being back here.... the only thing that feels good the feeling of being a part of a pack again. It is something my animal always needs, being wolf. Thor is bear, so he feels better on his own. But I need my pack. Granted I have only been in contact with two of them, and one is a child, but it still feels better than being completely cut off. Two Step has mentioned that if/when I go to Montana, he would like to come with. I don't know if he meant it or if he was just saying that with no intention of following through. There are a lot of people like that around here. Say they will do something and then not follow through. I will see.


I still have to call the school to set up appointment to take the tests. Needed to get myself settled a bit more. Will call on the 5th. Hopefully the office will be open then. I know that even summer school is off for the whole week. But fall semester starts on August 20th. So I need to get my butt in gear and get things going.

Anyway.... Since I am living at a place that has people that are not so set in their habits, I am able to go back to making my monthly supper menus. Yup.... I would make a menu for the month of suppers. That way we would be able to get all the necessities for supper right away. That way when we would start to run out of money we would already have all the required items for one meal a day. Breakfast and lunch would be leftover. But living with the in laws.... they like their foods cooked a certain way, or won't eat certain foods. So making supper for everyone out of the meals that I like to make, was impossible. Plus I need to change my diet.... I am in the beginning stages of heart disease. So I am supposed to eat leaner meats. And the in laws prefer the fattier meats. I they only eat corn and potatoes for veges. They don't eat fruit. All things that I need to start incorporating into my diet. (I have never been a big veggie person, but I have liked fruit). Plus my taste buds have started to change again. So I need to retry some foods.

How do I know my buds are changing? I drank a bottle of beer, by myself.... the whole thing. For those that don't know me that are reading this.... that is a HUGE thing for me. Before tonight, I have only ever drank 1 beer (and enjoyed it) once in my life. I only drank 1/2 of a wine cooler at my wedding reception. I just have never wanted to drink alcohol. Most times, I can't get past the actual alcohol taste. But I have had a craving for a beer for quite some time now. So, Two Step was willing to get me one (actually had to get a 6 pack) and I finished it. Not before it got warm, but I did drink it. It will not become a habit for me. But I might actually be able to get to a point where I could enjoy a beer with friends, instead of always being the one left out. Don't get me wrong, my friends don't purposely leave me out of things because I drink. In fact, I think most of them are pretty proud of the fact that I have not been drunk in 38 years. (guess how old I am) But being the ONLY one out of all of us to not drink, at all.... makes one feel left out. I never want to experience being drunk or having a hangover. I don't want to find out what kind of drunk I am. But it would be nice to be able to go out with friends and enjoy a beer or two.

Well, I am actually a bit tired. Gonna get ready for bed and, hopefully, dream of my cowboys. I don't have access to my pics right now, or I would put them up here. OH.... Wait

 

That works...hehe.