Feeling irked and frustrated tonight. Don't know why.

Got the stereo from the storage unit into the house today and got the washer that TS found in the house too. Have to test the stereo to make sure it still works, need a needle for the record player and (believe it or not) an cassette for the 8 track player. We have a converter, one that plugs into the 8track player then plays through one of those cassette tapes that are used for care stereos and such. But we don't know if it is the player or the converter that doesn't work.

Actually I think I have an idea of why I am feeling irked.... feeling a bit used. Had to "service" J today so that he could fall asleep. Gotta keep reminding myself that I only have until I get my license and degree. I'm just so tired of feeling used. I know that technically it is my fault cause I let him do it. It's just easier to play along cause right now there is no way that I could make it on my own. I can't even get a job. Dollar General won't even hire me. How pathetic is that?

At least I have my dreams. They are all that keep me sane right now. It's sad that three men that only exist in my dreams are all that keep me going each day. But... they are all I've got right now. Not to put down my kids, but they are all old enough now that they don't need my care 24/7. So, I can now think about what I want and need. What I want are my men, what I need is to get myself back. But as long as I am with J that won't happen. I know he claims to still love me, and I believe he thinks he still does. But I honestly think that he is just comfortable with what we have and is scared of change. He hates going places he has never been to before. So, if I were to leave him, he would be in a place he thought he would never be. On his own. He has ALWAYS had someone to catch him, to make sure his bills were paid, to make sure there was food in his gut. Sure, he works to bring in the income. But he has never had to sit down to figure out the finances. Someone else has always done that for him. UGH.

Well, I am tired. Don't know if it is due to the hauling of big appliances today or because of my mental state (maybe both), but I am going to go lay down and read a bit.

Later.

Beautiful day out today... finally. A bit windy but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Got the yard partly picked up... a lot of the limbs that fell due to the ice storm we had a week or so ago. Talked to the roommate about getting a chain saw to cut up the tree that fell. Free fire wood hehe. Got the clothes line poles stabilized, clothes line tightened and tied off. Roommate found a couple of used washers on the side of the road, so he grabbed G and went to get them. Drain pump doesn't work on one, don't know about the other yet. Will check that one out tomorrow. The one with the drain pump not working, it works enough to wash clothes, just have to keep the washer outside since we have to lay the drain hose down on the ground for it to drain. And G, who is doing a load of laundry tonight, says that the spin cycle didn't force as much water out of the clothes as it should have. Will check that tomorrow. Even if it doesn't completely work, we can now do laundry. We have a wash tub sink in the back room, I was planning on getting clothes line next week so that I could do stuff by hand and be able to hang it up. But now, I just have to sit outside so that I can raise and lower the drain hose when needed. I also got lunch meat sliced up (16 lbs worth) and the hamburger separated  Would have gotten more done outside but had to cook supper. Tomorrow is pizza night so I can do more outdoors. I just hope that J keeps getting OT so that we can start to get things that we need for outside. Like rakes and such.

That's it for now. Might be back on a bit later, but V is wanting attention.

Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.