Feeling irked and frustrated tonight. Don't know why.

Got the stereo from the storage unit into the house today and got the washer that TS found in the house too. Have to test the stereo to make sure it still works, need a needle for the record player and (believe it or not) an cassette for the 8 track player. We have a converter, one that plugs into the 8track player then plays through one of those cassette tapes that are used for care stereos and such. But we don't know if it is the player or the converter that doesn't work.

Actually I think I have an idea of why I am feeling irked.... feeling a bit used. Had to "service" J today so that he could fall asleep. Gotta keep reminding myself that I only have until I get my license and degree. I'm just so tired of feeling used. I know that technically it is my fault cause I let him do it. It's just easier to play along cause right now there is no way that I could make it on my own. I can't even get a job. Dollar General won't even hire me. How pathetic is that?

At least I have my dreams. They are all that keep me sane right now. It's sad that three men that only exist in my dreams are all that keep me going each day. But... they are all I've got right now. Not to put down my kids, but they are all old enough now that they don't need my care 24/7. So, I can now think about what I want and need. What I want are my men, what I need is to get myself back. But as long as I am with J that won't happen. I know he claims to still love me, and I believe he thinks he still does. But I honestly think that he is just comfortable with what we have and is scared of change. He hates going places he has never been to before. So, if I were to leave him, he would be in a place he thought he would never be. On his own. He has ALWAYS had someone to catch him, to make sure his bills were paid, to make sure there was food in his gut. Sure, he works to bring in the income. But he has never had to sit down to figure out the finances. Someone else has always done that for him. UGH.

Well, I am tired. Don't know if it is due to the hauling of big appliances today or because of my mental state (maybe both), but I am going to go lay down and read a bit.

Later.