Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.