Wantin' my mates tonight. Every once in a while, more often lately than is comfortable, I just crave them. Not  sexually either. Just want them with me. Arms and heat surrounding me. You know... just needing human contact with someone other than my daughter. Sure, I have J.... but it isn't the same anymore. Ever since I started feeling this restless unease, he hasn't had the presence I need. His arms lost the home feeling. The saddest part of it all, even if we do choose to end the marriage, I feel to old and useless to even think about starting a new relationship. I just wish I could shake theses feelings so that I can just go back to being reserved to continue my life as I have up til now. I know it will not get better... it isn't allowed to. Oh well... will just learn to live with it. It's all that I can do, since no good change is in the foreseeable future.

Later.

Today was supposed to be a good day for V. Last full day of school, so it was the awards and "promotion" ceremony. (8th grade graduation). Grandma and Papa made it, I made it, but because Dad is still holding a grudge against the town for things done to him in high school, he didn't go. I also noticed that her classmates don't interact with her. There was a small buffet after the ceremony, and all the kids with their parents were there. I don't know anyone, so I of course sat alone. But V knows all the kids, but none of them wanted to sit with her. There was someone who wanted a picture of all the kids together and they didn't ask for V to join them. I know that my goal to get to Montana is mostly for me, but I get the feeling that V needs it just as much as I do. I just don't know if she should move with me and finish high school there or if she should stay here to finish school but live with me during the summer. I guess I will have to wait to see if I can even get registered for fall classes. If I can do that then I should be on the road to completing my goals. So, I guess this is no longer about me.... but about her too. Will have to work on that. I still know that he won't be coming with.... he doesn't want to leave his family plus he is allergic to hard work done outdoors, and both people and places he doesn't know. Anyway...

Gonna go for a bit. Might be back on later, don't know. Daydreaming a bit here so...