Back again with the usual thoughts and complaints. Doing 98% of the work and no one giving a shit. Heard the female of the other couple that lives here state that she doesn't know what I do that is so important, that what she does around here is more... well, just more. We have lived here for 6 months... she has done dished 4 times (and then only half of what needed to be done), cleaned 1 corner of the living room once, and vacuumed the living room twice and she has helped with taking the garbage to the dump once a week for the past two months or so (although she has missed the past three weeks). That's it. That is all she has done. I share the dishes with my daughter but we do them EVERYDAY. I have cleaned (picked up garbage, folded blankets, organized, and vacuumed) the community rooms (living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and utility room) every week since we moved it. Okay, maybe I missed a couple weeks here and there, like the week that my brother passed, or the week that I was sick in bed for 5 days. But it got done the following week.

I just want out. But I know that will just not happen. Why? Cause I want it. Unless hubby doesn't come with, then I have a chance of it happening. Every place where we lived that I felt even remotely like I was "home" he did something (whether on purpose or not I don't know) that caused us to get kicked out. AZ and MN. Both times we had to move back in with his parents. The first time I had to move out on my own before he would even think about it. The second time his dad had to kick us out. If I am able to complete my goals (getting my 2 year degree and moving to MT afterwards) and he comes with, I will NOT be coming back here when he finally decides he doesn't like it and does something to make us have to move. I can see it happening too. I know he wants to stay here by his family. I understand why too. Those who love and are loved by family normally do want to stay near them. But I don't truly have that. I have my kids, which one would move with me, and the other three are more comfortable with their father's sides of their families. They only want visits anyway, so my coming back here would offer that for them. I do still want to purchase the house we are in and fix it up. But more so that we would have a place to stay for the long family visits we would have. I only have one cousin and three aunts that I would want to keep in contact with and well, that's what the internet and phone is for. 

Anyway, it seems that when we would hit the 9 month mark, if things weren't going EXACTLY the way he wants things to go, hubby would do/say something that would cause the person/s we were staying with to kick us out. Then he would use all the energy he didn't use in that nine months towards getting us back to his family. And I, being the loyal wife I was always taught I should be, would keep my mouth shut and follow him. If I am able to get out to Montana.... there is NO way that I would keep my mouth shut. It will be his third strike. I follow the three strikes rule. Why don't I do that now? Well, technically I can't. Not because we are married. Nope... it's because I have no means of supporting myself right now. I need to get my driver's license and an income first. Once I get those two things I know that I can truly start to consider leaving him. Now.... if my cowboys were to find me, then that would happen sooner But I don't believe that will happen. I don't even think there is anyone in Montana that even reads this blog, let alone knows it even exists. Plus living and running a working ranch, when the hell would they find time to even get on the internet if it wasn't for research purposes. I may be a greenhorn, but I am not without some knowledge. Helping out on a dairy farm when I was younger isn't anywhere near the extent a full ranch is, but it still gives a person a small sense of what goes on. I know that my current schedule would need to change DRASTICALLY, but at least what I would be doing would be appreciated by those that it affects. Hubby doesn't appreciate it cause after 14 years, he just expects it now, so doesn't see it. The other couple, well he was raised that the woman is under the mans boot-heel anyway so what I do is just the way things are supposed to be, and she... well she is an 18 year old who wants to be treated like a 30 year old but still gets to act/talk/be an 18 year old. Since I am old enough to be her mother she expects me to do all the "mother" work while she gets away with being a teenager. Yeah.... not fun.

I still can't get the pictures out of my head though. It doesn't help my depression at all either. Coalfaxx... 6'4", black hair, blue eyes. Ravyn....6'1", black hair, grey eyes. Nico....6'6", black hair, brown eyes. Not all biologically related but consider each other brothers. I know that some out there would think of me as a slut for being with three men at one time. But there are polygamous relationships out there that work. Current hubby... I don't know for sure if he would work out in the relationship... He can't do hard physical labor so working the ranch would be out. Depending on where in Montana we would be would depend on if he would be able to start/run his computer business. But I do know that he would probably eventually find himself a new woman cause I just wouldn't be able to be more than a friend to him. Even with the marriage certificate. It is just a piece of paper. If divorce would make more sense then we would do it. But if the "marriage" doesn't get in the way of any of the other relationships, then why waste the money. 

I also know that the names mentioned are most likely not their real names. Coalfaxx would most likely be something like Colton or Coal. Ravyn... Ray or the like. Nico works cause that would be short for Nicholas. I know that I am just dreaming while awake, but that seems to be the norm for me. I'll be sitting at the computer working on my recipes or books or something and my mind will just suddenly veer off into dreaming about living on the ranch, doing the simple housekeeping chores. There is only intimacy when I forcefully put it there. Otherwise it is just cooking meals, doing laundry, grocery shopping, working in the garden, and sitting on the porch swing after a long hot day enjoying a cold beer and letting the cool breeze dry the sweat off as we discuss the day and what else needs to be done. The intimacy doesn't happen for many months after I start working. I am to fat, ugly and self conscious in the beginning for me to even think about anything happening anyway. But I know that it is the men that surround me who, inadvertently, keep me from achieving what I can and should be able to achieve. I know they don't know that they are doing it, so I don't say anything. And most of the time, it isn't them, but me. With being raised that the woman is at the mercy of the man, that thinking comes through more often than it should. And with being together for so long, hubby has gotten so used to it that he doesn't see it anymore. Plus, I think he likes me being subject to his wants and needs. If/when I do try to change things he fights to keep it the same. He knows that if I get my degree and license that he won't be able to have such a tight hold on me. I believe he also knows that once I get to Montana, there is no coming back here for more than visits. In fact, I don't see myself coming back for more than a week at a time and even then, only for the family picnic in August each year. Come in the week before (Tues. or Wed.) and leave on the following Tues. And making sure that one of the guys is with me so that I not only have someone to share the two day drive with, but to make sure that the vehicle keeps running. (Yup, had that happen long time ago. Came for Christmas break, and the vehicle that was to take me back broke down... didn't get back till 4 years ago.) 

Anyway. I guess I will just log off for now. Lay down and dream my nightly dreams since they are the only thing I look forward to each day. It's sad, you know, that I look more forward to the dreams I dream while sleeping than I do that of the reality of my life while awake. If only.......

Where are you my cowboys.... Love you.