I feel the need to type my thoughts but can't seem to gather them into any semblance of order. I have such a headache that the pills aren't even making a dent in the pain. Being an empath in a house full of emotionally high people is not a good thing. First I have to deal with frustration over objects not working like they should, then I have to deal with anger and pain from an argument, then I have to deal with more anger at requests not being fulfilled.

I don't know what I am thinking. I have to much going on in my head. I feel the need to get out. To not be here. But I have no way to get anywhere. I am just the housewife. I am low man on the totem pole. I feel like I am living with two men who think women are only here to be be servants and sex slaves. The argument earlier was due to her not making his dinner the way he wanted it. So he went into calling her stupid, and ignorant. But yet when he had set out what he wanted for supper, he never said a thing about how he wanted it made. He just told her to make it. Then he proceeded to get her drunk, and have sex with her.

I think I am just going to have to crawl into my shell and do what I need to do so that I can get out of here. I KNOW I need to be out of here as soon as I can. I need to get my license and degree, then I will be able to get to where I believe I belong.

If I were to get contacted...... never mind. That is just me dreams bombarding me again. I know that what I have with J is not normal. We married cause I got pregnant, and have been together for 14 years. We were good friends before, and when we separate, we will be friends after. We might have to take a year to let our emotions stabilize, but we will be able to be friends again. And I know that I am to old to start a new relationship with anyone. But to be able to be somewhere that I feel I belong would be such an improvement.  I have feeling like I am stuck. That I am not living my life to the fullest I could be. I have NEVER liked being here in WI. But whenever I tried to move out of the state something happened that would send me right back here. Usually J. We moved to AZ so that he could go to school. He had a difference of opinions with the people we were living with so we got kicked out and had no where else to go but here. Then we moved to MN right before the Recession. Again... a difference of opinion with those that were sheltering us, so we have to move back here. Both times, I was pulled aside and told that if I wanted to stay that I would be welcome. But I am loyal... to a fault. I am married to him, I stay with him. Neither place felt like home, but I still felt better than I do here. I have never been to Montana... I still don't know why I feel this need to be there. And the longer I have to wait the more urgent the feeling becomes. But I have no means to get there on my own. And I feel that J is not to come with me when I first go. He might join me at a later time, but the initial move is by myself. I realize that I will have to still support him financially even though I am there and he would stay here. But all the bills can be taken care of online, or with auto pay. So I would only need to make sure to deposit what would be needed for the bills each month, help pay his portion of the rent, and make sure there was enough money for necessities for V. Why would I pay all that? For the girls. One of J's other girls wants to move in with us. And if I were to leave she wouldn't be able to come with me. And V would want to finish out at least the current year of school. If not want to stay til graduation.

I am still struggling with the incessant need to move to Montana. I know that I have always wanted to live there, but before 10 years ago, it was just a passing fancy. Or I thought it was. I don't know anyone who lives there. I have never even visited. I have always dreamed of owning horses, that I have wanted since I was 4 and was put on my first horse. And I have had dreams about the ranch since I was 16. But it wasn't until I was 18 that I started thinking about moving to Montana. But it was never JUST Montana, it was west. Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, N. Dakota, S. Dakota. Eventually it was Montana, Wyoming, Colorado. But about 10 years ago it became just Montana. Nothing in my memories stands out about what happened to make it that way. It just did. 18,000 acre horse/cattle ranch. Mostly horse breeding but with a decent cattle herd to help financially. A working ranch, not a dude ranch. I still dream about that ranch. It isn't realistic anymore, but it has always been my biggest fantasy dream. That dream shrunk down to 20 acres and 2 horses. Then it shrunk even further to becoming just a simple housekeeper on someone else's ranch. Now, I just want to have a small place (own or rent) of my own with a dog and a garden and room for my kids if they want to visit. V would most likely choose to live with me. But my other kids are either old enough to be on their own, or living with other families. But why.... why do I have this ever increasing need to move there? What, or who, is there that I am to see or meet. And how am I supposed to get there when I have no way to even get to the nearest town. How can I get to a place 3 states away when I am not able to get to the town that is 10 miles away. I have always been spiritual. Things happen for reasons. There are more things out there that we don't see than what we are lead to believe. I believe in the supernatural (vampires, werewolves, fae, etc). I have always felt the magic that flows through the Great Mother, even before I understood what it was. I believe in the balance of nature, and the power of free will. This need I have is to strong for me to ignore, but I have no means to complete it. We have no income, so I cannot purchase tickets to get me there. I don't have my license, so can't drive. Even with a license we only have 1 vehicle so I would leave it here for use by J and V. I have no job or living prospects there so what would I be moving to. I don't know a single soul that lives there, so I can't ask for assistance to get there. But this need, it literally aches. I feel physical pain from it in my chest and arms.

So, I guess until I am able to figure out a way to get there, I will just have to keep my head down. Work on getting my license and degree. If an opportunity falls in my lap, I will jump at it. But until then... head down, mouth shut, and just do what needs to be done without complaint. Been doing that for the past 5 years anyway... what's a couple more... right?