Well, my plans need to be pushed back, again. I was able to get all fees paid except the accuplacer tests. So, now I have to get a hold of MSTC and find out if I will need to repay the admission fee. Gods, I hope not. But that means that my plans get pushed back another 6 months at least. Cause I won't be able to sign up for classes until the summer. And if I remember right, there aren't any classes available in the summer months, so I will have to wait til the fall semester.

Now, if my cowboy would just read this and somehow contact me for that dream job on his ranch in Montana, then I wouldn't have to worry about school. And I might be able to start the process of removing myself from my current relationship and getting my daughter into a more stable home environment.

One of the things I would love to "see", is my current roommates (including my hubby) being required to do ALL the work I do. Maybe then they would see that I do more than they think. That is what I hate most about the people I live with. They don't seem to appreciate the things I do do around here. And I don't think they will ever know until I am able to leave them to do it themselves. But while I am here, I am the one that has to make sure it gets done. Cause if I don't do it, then it will NEVER get done. And they know it. They know that if they wait just long enough, that I will get pissed and just do it myself. Then, as I am working on it, they tell me that they were "just about to do that." No they weren't, they were waiting for me to do it. They just want to make sure they don't feel guilty about not doing it themselves by claiming that they were planning of doing it. (Follow that?)

So, cowboys.... where are you? I see you in my dreams. I know your house. I've seen the porch with its swings and chairs. The yellow kitchen with its walking pantry. The first floor mother-in-law suite and the 4 bedrooms upstairs. The dining table can seat 8 but normally seats 5. The backyard garden that I can see from the window above the kitchen sink. These things never change in my dreams. My jobs stays the same too. Simple housework, taking care of the garden, cooking. Helping in the barn during foaling season (that might take me a bit to work up to though since I'm fat and would need to work up some muscle for it).
I want to believe they exist. Brothers. One runs the ranch, the other does something else (police, military not sure) but helps out on the ranch when needed since he lives there too. There are always 2 ranch hands on the property too. During branding season that increases to 4-6 hands depending on need.

I know, I know... they are just dreams. Dreams don't ever come true. Not for me at least. I have found, in my life, that dreams are just that dreams. They have no base in reality. No matter how much of the information stays the same in the dreams, there is NEVER any truth to them. So I know that Ray and Colton only exist in my mind. That there are no such people that are brothers who mutually own a ranch in Montana, but Ray runs it while Colton does what police/military work he does while also living on the ranch. It's a good dream though. Real men who do real work. (I know any job is "real" work... not being able to find a job makes any work "real"). Men who appreciate coming home to a clean house and know that it didn't clean itself. Are there men out there like that? Do they truly exist... cause I have NEVER met one. Shifting through all my memories of men throughout ALL my life I have never met a single man who appreciates the work their spouse/partner does to make the house into a home. They all expect it to happen, but they don't appreciate it. And the only cowboys I ever met were the rodeo boys the year I turned 13. I don't even remember names so they don't count. And even though I know such men don't exist in my life, I still dream of them. I hope they exist somewhere so that maybe my daughter will meet one. That's my biggest fear, that my daughter will end up with a man like her father. I want so much more for her. Someone who will love her no matter her quirks, someone who will appreciate her for ALL she does, and someone who will NEVER take her for granted. I may have started out with a man who loves me for all my quirks, and appreciated what I do. But now, 14 years later... he wants me to be who and what I was 14 years ago. He can't deal with who I have become cause he only wants who I was. I have had to change due to circumstances and relationships, but he hasn't. That's my main reason for wanting to get out of this relationship. I am not the person I was when we married. He hasn't changes... AT ALL. I have had to do all the changing.

Anyway... I am gonna go dream some more. It's all I have to look forward to anymore. Later.