Well, things are starting to get a bit better. Hubby finally got permanent position at the company. So... no more sitting on edge dealing with losing work. With the permanent position comes a raise. Can't get the medical yet as it would cause us to have a decrease in take home pay even after the raise. Maybe in a year or two. I am also hoping that with him getting permanent he won't be so against my going back to school. Of course things have continued to get in the way of my getting my tests taken. I am hoping to do it next month. Gods... please let it happen. I so need to get this done. Not necessarily so that I can prove to hubby that I can make it without him, but to prove to myself that I am worth more than just... this. I want to prove that I can be more than I am. I am a stay at home mom because I can't be anything else right now. It's one of those things that I want to be doing it cause I CHOOSE to, not because I can't be anything else. And right now I don't have a choice. Plus, I still dream about getting out to Montana. Yup, still dreaming. I wish I could stop, cause I KNOW that dreams never come true. But I just can't stop them from happening. My mind takes over for me and conjures them up.

I am also feeling very lonely. I am not alone, since I have V, J, and the roommate here almost constantly. But I have no one to talk to about things. V is 14... and my daughter, so some things just don't get discussed with her. J and the roommate TS know all that goes on in my day, which is nothing, but since they are here constantly there is no reason to discuss things with them that do not deal with household stuff or finances. I tried registering on one of those email pals sites but all I got were guys looking for sex stories. NOT what I want. I truly want someone who wants to talk things out, learn about each other, possibly become friends. Then again.... I keep comparing people (in RL or on the internet) to the men in my dreams, Coal, Ravyn and Nico.

Why? I can't get them out of my head. They are there ALL the time, sleeping or awake. They are so real in my mind that they can't be real in RL, right? I mean... there just can't truly be men like that that exist in our time and dimension. They have GOT to be just figments of my imagination. They are to Alpha to be anything else. Okay... just so you can know what I mean by they are not capable of being real.... All three are tall (Ravyn is 6', Coal is 6' 2" and Nico is 6' 6"), black hair (tint varies cause Ravyn is flat black, Coal has a tint of blue and Nico is a tint of red). Eye color: Ravyn has chocolate brown, Coal is blue, and Nico is silver. In my dreams they all have military experience, but Ravyn and Coal are semi-retired, Nico is still serving. Ravyn is running a ranch and Coal is police (sheriff/deputy). Obviously they are all still fit as they need to be due to chosen professions. They are not blood related, but have chosen the others as their brothers. Spiritually both Ravyn and Coal are wolves and Nico is a demon. Two black wolves and a balrog. It's just.... men like this don't exist in my world. They never have and never will.

All the men in my world are rude, crude, or lazy. I have NEVER lived with a male who helps out around the house unless bribed with sex. I never met a man who didn't expect their woman to pamper them like their mothers did, while working 40 hours jobs AND doing all the housework, along with always being ready to service the man whenever and however they wanted. I received exactly 5 thank yous for all the work I've done and shit I've taken in the past 14 years. Those who do work, are crude and just....eww. I know that I am not worth much myself... I am SFF (short, fat and f-ugly) so this is all that I am worthy of getting. And sadly, I don't think I want to know that men who appreciate and care for their women exist, cause then I would feel even worse since I wouldn't be worthy of having a man/men like that. Having them in my dreams will just have to be enough.

What's even funnier is that all the dreams I have with the three of them in it.... NONE are sexual in nature (unless I consciously make it sexual). There is love and trust. There is contentment and security. There is loyalty and confidence. I am proud of being who I am, and doing what I do. I feel appreciated for what I do, and I enjoy doing it. I don't feel used and neglected. I don't feel useless and worthless. I don't feel like a waste of space. Thinking back on all my relationships with me... no matter intimate or platonic there were only 4 men that made me feel like I was worth something. Larry, Brian, Heath and Ray. My older brothers 4 best friends in school. They all treated me as a little sister. Even after intimate relationships didn't work out. They didn't see me as another useless female. Even rescued me from a disastrous school dance that my "date" decided to bring a second female date with us. I made one call and had 4 "brothers" willing to kick some ass if needed. After school, one went into the military, one found religion and I don't know what happened with the other two. Anyway..

Gonna go dream some more...Later