Was able to contact the correspondence school that I got my HSED from. There's another $10 I have to come up with. Sadly, My daughter is losing her saxophone, so we will have a bit more money each month, that I might be able to do something about it. It might only be one thing each month but it would be better than doing nothing at all. Thor has been told that there should be work for him one of the places he is actively trying to get into, at the end of this month. But that doesn't help me now. I need $10 for my high school transcripts, $15 for the background check, and $20 for the accuplacer tests. But at least I know what I need to do to get things moving. I just hate the idea of V losing her sax. We only have about 9 months left before the thing is paid off. If we return it now, and reapply for it after getting an income we will have to start all over with it. And there is no one that I can ask for the money. DAMN... why do things always have to work against me. What did I do in a past life, or even in the past of my current life, to warrant all this hopelessness. No work, no family, a marriage I don't want to be in anymore but have no security to be able to get out of. And I am also realizing that I am at that point in my life that some of my friends are not fitting in. I can't be 18 anymore. Thor can, and does. He wants to be that 18 year old that doesn't need to worry about where he sleeps at night. I can't. I just can't. I am that 38 year old that has children who need me to be a stable influence in their lives. I HAVE to be the adult.

I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.

Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.

Things are still a bit bumpy. We have landed safely, and looks like we might be staying longer than we thought. The people we are with want go in together with a place. He likes my cooking, especially since I have been experimenting with new recipes. We have tried 7 new ones and have only found one that we didn't like, and even then it was only the side dish that didn't turn out. The issue is trying to get enough for first months rent and security deposit on a bigger place. We want to try to get a 3 bedroom house, one for them, one for us and one for the girls. Cuz right now we don't have enough room for V to stay with us. And she is not enjoying being out at the grandparents place.

My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership.  But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later

Boy, you know you have it bad when you are sitting on the couch at 2 am on a Sunday morning listening to country music, wishing for that mysterious dream cowboy to come save you from your own life.

I don't know why, but when ever I look at Mikey's photos, I hear Josh Turner singing in my head.

Well, I am going to have to wait to start school until January. I don't have the money to pay for two of the up front fees, and I won't have it before school starts next month. In fact, Thor's unemployment runs out next month, so in about three weeks we won't even have money to pay for V's saxophone and our storage unit. And job searching is as productive as it has been for the past three years.

Not much else to say. Just here. No purpose, no need, just...here. It's a sad life to live when a person is worth more dead than alive. Just sad.

Later.

Well, unless my brother in law is able to borrow me the money for the other fees that I didn't know about, I won't be able to go to school in August. There is a $20 accuplacer test that I didn't know about, plus the $15 background check fee. If he isn't able to afford it, then I have to wait till January to register. And even then we might not have the money. What is it about me that whenever I make plans and start the process to better myself, financial and emotional shit gets thrown in the way to make it so that it doesn't happen? Like taking 10 years to get me HSED due to money issues. Now I might not be able to go continue my degree due to not having $35. I know that one reason why I want to push the issue for going in August is so that I can get financial aide. Looking at the costs, my pell grant will cover most of the cost of the class tuition. Which means just a small portion of the loans would cover the books and lab fees. Which would leave me about $1000 to help with living expenses till January. But it is more than what we have now. I also believe that once I get back into school, finding work will be easier. Employers will be more willing to hire me cause I am proving that I can do something other than just sitting on my butt. I will have to check to see if there is any other monetary assistance that I should be able to get with going to school. Plus maybe I would be eligible for some scholarship and such. Who knows. I guess I just have to wait to see what Mute says. Not much else going on. Hopefully by the end of this week I will have good news.

Later.

It's sad when we are sitting inside the apartment watching a movie, when the fireworks are being set off about 10 block from here. Why are we sitting here? Cause Thor doesn't want to be anywhere near the crowds. Plus since we haven't seen any of our friends in more than three years, he assumes that we aren't wanted. Sad part of it is, he doesn't realize that it is his choice not to communicate with them. The only way I can is on the internet. I don't drive so I can't just go visit them. And the cell hone we have is Thor's, so he doesn't want any non essential phone numbers in it, or at least numbers that HE deems non essential. I would love to be able to give the number to friends so that, just maybe, I would have someone else to talk to. But it isn't mine. So, I just have to wait til we have an income and get our own cell phone plan.

I keep wanting to find a texting pal.... like the old pen pals... someone from Montana. So that maybe I can have a friend in the area already, someone that would be willing to get to know me now, through texts so that once I get out there I would have someone to introduce me to others people. A person always needs friends.

Once able to, I will be trying to get back into contact with my other friends. I don't like my life as it is right now. I don't want anyone to see me as I am now. Since we are now in a situation where we can start to change our diets, that will help. Plus, since we are staying in an upstairs place, I get exercise going up and down the stairs. We just need to wait til the 14th change our diets. That is when we get our food stamps. Until then, we have tuna and mac & cheese.. Since we are all flat assed broke, that is all we have. We had to leave all our food at the trailer. What was left of it at least. We also have to make sure that we buy food and take it out there a couple times a month. V is still on our stamps, so we need to make sure she gets food.

Anyway....

Later.

I think I said this already but just in case..... I HATE this effing town. The only saving grace this town has are what friends I still have here. Being back here.... the only thing that feels good the feeling of being a part of a pack again. It is something my animal always needs, being wolf. Thor is bear, so he feels better on his own. But I need my pack. Granted I have only been in contact with two of them, and one is a child, but it still feels better than being completely cut off. Two Step has mentioned that if/when I go to Montana, he would like to come with. I don't know if he meant it or if he was just saying that with no intention of following through. There are a lot of people like that around here. Say they will do something and then not follow through. I will see.


I still have to call the school to set up appointment to take the tests. Needed to get myself settled a bit more. Will call on the 5th. Hopefully the office will be open then. I know that even summer school is off for the whole week. But fall semester starts on August 20th. So I need to get my butt in gear and get things going.

Anyway.... Since I am living at a place that has people that are not so set in their habits, I am able to go back to making my monthly supper menus. Yup.... I would make a menu for the month of suppers. That way we would be able to get all the necessities for supper right away. That way when we would start to run out of money we would already have all the required items for one meal a day. Breakfast and lunch would be leftover. But living with the in laws.... they like their foods cooked a certain way, or won't eat certain foods. So making supper for everyone out of the meals that I like to make, was impossible. Plus I need to change my diet.... I am in the beginning stages of heart disease. So I am supposed to eat leaner meats. And the in laws prefer the fattier meats. I they only eat corn and potatoes for veges. They don't eat fruit. All things that I need to start incorporating into my diet. (I have never been a big veggie person, but I have liked fruit). Plus my taste buds have started to change again. So I need to retry some foods.

How do I know my buds are changing? I drank a bottle of beer, by myself.... the whole thing. For those that don't know me that are reading this.... that is a HUGE thing for me. Before tonight, I have only ever drank 1 beer (and enjoyed it) once in my life. I only drank 1/2 of a wine cooler at my wedding reception. I just have never wanted to drink alcohol. Most times, I can't get past the actual alcohol taste. But I have had a craving for a beer for quite some time now. So, Two Step was willing to get me one (actually had to get a 6 pack) and I finished it. Not before it got warm, but I did drink it. It will not become a habit for me. But I might actually be able to get to a point where I could enjoy a beer with friends, instead of always being the one left out. Don't get me wrong, my friends don't purposely leave me out of things because I drink. In fact, I think most of them are pretty proud of the fact that I have not been drunk in 38 years. (guess how old I am) But being the ONLY one out of all of us to not drink, at all.... makes one feel left out. I never want to experience being drunk or having a hangover. I don't want to find out what kind of drunk I am. But it would be nice to be able to go out with friends and enjoy a beer or two.

Well, I am actually a bit tired. Gonna get ready for bed and, hopefully, dream of my cowboys. I don't have access to my pics right now, or I would put them up here. OH.... Wait

 

That works...hehe.