I feel the need to type my thoughts but can't seem to gather them into any semblance of order. I have such a headache that the pills aren't even making a dent in the pain. Being an empath in a house full of emotionally high people is not a good thing. First I have to deal with frustration over objects not working like they should, then I have to deal with anger and pain from an argument, then I have to deal with more anger at requests not being fulfilled.

I don't know what I am thinking. I have to much going on in my head. I feel the need to get out. To not be here. But I have no way to get anywhere. I am just the housewife. I am low man on the totem pole. I feel like I am living with two men who think women are only here to be be servants and sex slaves. The argument earlier was due to her not making his dinner the way he wanted it. So he went into calling her stupid, and ignorant. But yet when he had set out what he wanted for supper, he never said a thing about how he wanted it made. He just told her to make it. Then he proceeded to get her drunk, and have sex with her.

I think I am just going to have to crawl into my shell and do what I need to do so that I can get out of here. I KNOW I need to be out of here as soon as I can. I need to get my license and degree, then I will be able to get to where I believe I belong.

If I were to get contacted...... never mind. That is just me dreams bombarding me again. I know that what I have with J is not normal. We married cause I got pregnant, and have been together for 14 years. We were good friends before, and when we separate, we will be friends after. We might have to take a year to let our emotions stabilize, but we will be able to be friends again. And I know that I am to old to start a new relationship with anyone. But to be able to be somewhere that I feel I belong would be such an improvement.  I have feeling like I am stuck. That I am not living my life to the fullest I could be. I have NEVER liked being here in WI. But whenever I tried to move out of the state something happened that would send me right back here. Usually J. We moved to AZ so that he could go to school. He had a difference of opinions with the people we were living with so we got kicked out and had no where else to go but here. Then we moved to MN right before the Recession. Again... a difference of opinion with those that were sheltering us, so we have to move back here. Both times, I was pulled aside and told that if I wanted to stay that I would be welcome. But I am loyal... to a fault. I am married to him, I stay with him. Neither place felt like home, but I still felt better than I do here. I have never been to Montana... I still don't know why I feel this need to be there. And the longer I have to wait the more urgent the feeling becomes. But I have no means to get there on my own. And I feel that J is not to come with me when I first go. He might join me at a later time, but the initial move is by myself. I realize that I will have to still support him financially even though I am there and he would stay here. But all the bills can be taken care of online, or with auto pay. So I would only need to make sure to deposit what would be needed for the bills each month, help pay his portion of the rent, and make sure there was enough money for necessities for V. Why would I pay all that? For the girls. One of J's other girls wants to move in with us. And if I were to leave she wouldn't be able to come with me. And V would want to finish out at least the current year of school. If not want to stay til graduation.

I am still struggling with the incessant need to move to Montana. I know that I have always wanted to live there, but before 10 years ago, it was just a passing fancy. Or I thought it was. I don't know anyone who lives there. I have never even visited. I have always dreamed of owning horses, that I have wanted since I was 4 and was put on my first horse. And I have had dreams about the ranch since I was 16. But it wasn't until I was 18 that I started thinking about moving to Montana. But it was never JUST Montana, it was west. Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, N. Dakota, S. Dakota. Eventually it was Montana, Wyoming, Colorado. But about 10 years ago it became just Montana. Nothing in my memories stands out about what happened to make it that way. It just did. 18,000 acre horse/cattle ranch. Mostly horse breeding but with a decent cattle herd to help financially. A working ranch, not a dude ranch. I still dream about that ranch. It isn't realistic anymore, but it has always been my biggest fantasy dream. That dream shrunk down to 20 acres and 2 horses. Then it shrunk even further to becoming just a simple housekeeper on someone else's ranch. Now, I just want to have a small place (own or rent) of my own with a dog and a garden and room for my kids if they want to visit. V would most likely choose to live with me. But my other kids are either old enough to be on their own, or living with other families. But why.... why do I have this ever increasing need to move there? What, or who, is there that I am to see or meet. And how am I supposed to get there when I have no way to even get to the nearest town. How can I get to a place 3 states away when I am not able to get to the town that is 10 miles away. I have always been spiritual. Things happen for reasons. There are more things out there that we don't see than what we are lead to believe. I believe in the supernatural (vampires, werewolves, fae, etc). I have always felt the magic that flows through the Great Mother, even before I understood what it was. I believe in the balance of nature, and the power of free will. This need I have is to strong for me to ignore, but I have no means to complete it. We have no income, so I cannot purchase tickets to get me there. I don't have my license, so can't drive. Even with a license we only have 1 vehicle so I would leave it here for use by J and V. I have no job or living prospects there so what would I be moving to. I don't know a single soul that lives there, so I can't ask for assistance to get there. But this need, it literally aches. I feel physical pain from it in my chest and arms.

So, I guess until I am able to figure out a way to get there, I will just have to keep my head down. Work on getting my license and degree. If an opportunity falls in my lap, I will jump at it. But until then... head down, mouth shut, and just do what needs to be done without complaint. Been doing that for the past 5 years anyway... what's a couple more... right?

Well, my plans need to be pushed back, again. I was able to get all fees paid except the accuplacer tests. So, now I have to get a hold of MSTC and find out if I will need to repay the admission fee. Gods, I hope not. But that means that my plans get pushed back another 6 months at least. Cause I won't be able to sign up for classes until the summer. And if I remember right, there aren't any classes available in the summer months, so I will have to wait til the fall semester.

Now, if my cowboy would just read this and somehow contact me for that dream job on his ranch in Montana, then I wouldn't have to worry about school. And I might be able to start the process of removing myself from my current relationship and getting my daughter into a more stable home environment.

One of the things I would love to "see", is my current roommates (including my hubby) being required to do ALL the work I do. Maybe then they would see that I do more than they think. That is what I hate most about the people I live with. They don't seem to appreciate the things I do do around here. And I don't think they will ever know until I am able to leave them to do it themselves. But while I am here, I am the one that has to make sure it gets done. Cause if I don't do it, then it will NEVER get done. And they know it. They know that if they wait just long enough, that I will get pissed and just do it myself. Then, as I am working on it, they tell me that they were "just about to do that." No they weren't, they were waiting for me to do it. They just want to make sure they don't feel guilty about not doing it themselves by claiming that they were planning of doing it. (Follow that?)

So, cowboys.... where are you? I see you in my dreams. I know your house. I've seen the porch with its swings and chairs. The yellow kitchen with its walking pantry. The first floor mother-in-law suite and the 4 bedrooms upstairs. The dining table can seat 8 but normally seats 5. The backyard garden that I can see from the window above the kitchen sink. These things never change in my dreams. My jobs stays the same too. Simple housework, taking care of the garden, cooking. Helping in the barn during foaling season (that might take me a bit to work up to though since I'm fat and would need to work up some muscle for it).
I want to believe they exist. Brothers. One runs the ranch, the other does something else (police, military not sure) but helps out on the ranch when needed since he lives there too. There are always 2 ranch hands on the property too. During branding season that increases to 4-6 hands depending on need.

I know, I know... they are just dreams. Dreams don't ever come true. Not for me at least. I have found, in my life, that dreams are just that dreams. They have no base in reality. No matter how much of the information stays the same in the dreams, there is NEVER any truth to them. So I know that Ray and Colton only exist in my mind. That there are no such people that are brothers who mutually own a ranch in Montana, but Ray runs it while Colton does what police/military work he does while also living on the ranch. It's a good dream though. Real men who do real work. (I know any job is "real" work... not being able to find a job makes any work "real"). Men who appreciate coming home to a clean house and know that it didn't clean itself. Are there men out there like that? Do they truly exist... cause I have NEVER met one. Shifting through all my memories of men throughout ALL my life I have never met a single man who appreciates the work their spouse/partner does to make the house into a home. They all expect it to happen, but they don't appreciate it. And the only cowboys I ever met were the rodeo boys the year I turned 13. I don't even remember names so they don't count. And even though I know such men don't exist in my life, I still dream of them. I hope they exist somewhere so that maybe my daughter will meet one. That's my biggest fear, that my daughter will end up with a man like her father. I want so much more for her. Someone who will love her no matter her quirks, someone who will appreciate her for ALL she does, and someone who will NEVER take her for granted. I may have started out with a man who loves me for all my quirks, and appreciated what I do. But now, 14 years later... he wants me to be who and what I was 14 years ago. He can't deal with who I have become cause he only wants who I was. I have had to change due to circumstances and relationships, but he hasn't. That's my main reason for wanting to get out of this relationship. I am not the person I was when we married. He hasn't changes... AT ALL. I have had to do all the changing.

Anyway... I am gonna go dream some more. It's all I have to look forward to anymore. Later.

Ok... well some things have changed since the last time I wrote on here. We have moved. The view out my front window is closer to what I would like it to be but not quite.

Behind us is the town... in fact we have the school parking lot RIGHT behind us. We have a double lot, so we have plenty of room for the gardens that I would like to have next year. We moved in to late in the year for me to do anything productive this year. I even have room to have a small herb garden, a separate medicinal garden and a large vegetable garden. Plus space around buildings and trees to have the non-useful  flowers. So what's the problem? The roommates. We, Thor and I, cannot afford the place on our own as of yet. He is working, but he is still only temporary yet. Once (and if) he gets hire on permanent he will receive a pay raise and have guaranteed hourly work. Only then will we be able to afford the place...barely. We wouldn't have money for anything else... even gas in the car, but we would have the place to ourselves. I have no issue with the one roommate that is helping with the bills and rent... I have a problem with his..... in short, his whore. She has no income so she doesn't pay ANYTHING towards rent and bills. She has been here just as long as the rest of us (which is 7 weeks) and she has only washed dishes twice, has never vacuumed, never cleaned the house, never done laundry, takes 30 minute showers, eats 3 times a day (and no... the rest of us don't eat that much a day), never cares for "her" animals, and expects us (Thor and I) to give her money when she asks for it ("as a favor to the other roommate"). The ONLY thing she does around her is have sex with the roommate whenever he wants it. So, yes... that makes her a whore.... she gets paid for only having sex with a person. And it is pissing me off. I can't kick her out cause she is on the lease, and he says that he has already talked to her about being lazy, but nothing has come of it. She is 18 years old and wants to be treated like an adult, but my 13 year old has proven to be more mature than her. We, Thor and I, give the roommate $45 a week to pay for our portion of the rent, (we pay ALL the bills, even his portion, so we take that amount out of our portion of the rent. And he asked us to split up our rent portion into weekly amounts so that he has money every week instead of just at the beginning of the month since he only gets paid once a month.) We gave him the $45 last Friday but on Monday they were asking for money to put gas in the tank. So... where did the $45 go in 2 days.... that would have given them a half tank of gas.... but they ran out before the weekend was over? The sad thing is, we've know the roommate for years... so we know that if it was just him the tank would have been full, or at least half full, even today. But he doesn't seem to know where any of his money is going. Yup... he has his head so far up her ass that he can't see how she is taking advantage of him. He thinks she is letting him be who he is, that she is not trying to change him. But she is.... just by taking away his options manipulatively so he doesn't see it.

So, that is what is going on here. My long term plans have only been altered, not changed. I still plan on getting my degree and moving out to Montana. What has changed is that even after I move I will have to continue to help pay for this place. We are in a land contract. And Thor and I agree that this is our best option to get a place of our own, right now. Even though he hasn't said it, he believes that my plans have changed. I will help to pay for the place, cause then I will know that I have a place to stay when I come to visit. And I will also know that my daughter will have a roof over her head and the bills will be paid while she is here. I know that she wants to move with me out there, but in two years she might just want to stay to finish school.

So.. I have finally been able to start paying for the additional fees to finish getting registered for school. I sent out a check to get my high school transcripts sent to MSTC. With Thor's next big check, which is Nov 2, I will be paying the other two, plus taking the placement tests next month. I will also be renewing my temps so that I can start working on my license again. Hopefully this time I will be able to get more practice in so that I can feel confident when I take the tests.

I still have that dream though. The extravagant one where I get hired as a housekeeper/cook for a ranch out there. Of course my boss(es) are hot cowboys... but then who doesn't want hot cowboys as their dream bosses? I know, I know... I should stop dreaming impossible dreams. But then without dreams a person will never have goals, right?

Anyway. I am done for now. Just as a warning though. Most likely I will be on here regularly to bitch about my roommates and husband. So a lot of the blogging I will do will be repeat of previous ranting.

So..... Just had to add a nice view, hehe.

Found out yesterday that we have until the end of this month to get V into the same place as us, or we lose our assistance. Even though we are paying her expenses (as much as we can) Our choices are: she moves in with us in this too small apartment, register at a school that she will most likely only be at for about 4 months, then have to register at a school in Point (which is where we are trying to get to right now) but we keep all our assistance OR she stays out at the grandparents where she will be going to the school she has been registered at since 5th grade and they have more room for her but we lose the food stamps we use to buy her food and all three of us lose our health insurance. She is on ADHD medicine so she can't lose the insurance. Thor was told by Remedy that there will be openings at Worzella at the end of this month. But that doesn't help us now.

If we had the money for gas, we would move her in here and still keep her at her current school, since WI is an open enrollment state. But we just don't have the income for that. We both want to keep her there, she had asked that we wait till next year to change her schools. But unless someone else pays for the gas to get her to and from there, it just wouldn't work. AARRGGHH!!. First she loses her sax due to financial issues, now she will be losing her school.

Well... later.

More exercise than normal today. Doing laundry.... washer/dryer in the basement and we are in a 2nd floor apartment. So, one long flight and one short flight of stairs. 4 time already today and still have 2 more loads that need to be finished tonight. Then tomorrow I will do another 4 - 6 more loads. Yup.... they got way behind. He has back issues and can't lift more than 15 lbs. She.... I think... wasn't shown the correct way to do things. When she puts wet stuff on the line she keeps them up overnight. She only does 1-2 loads a week, which for a family of three (one of which considers her clothes dirty after only 1 use) is not enough. I haven't even started to make a dent out of the clothes needing to be washed. I only got through the clothes that were waiting to get folded and brought upstairs. I told him that I will wash, dry, fold and bring up but he/she needs to put away. I want to stay out of their room as much as possible. It's their room, it should be the way they feel most comfortable with. But I brought up about 5 loads that were waiting for folding and bringing up. And I have washed 4 loads already.... two more to go (1 in the dryer the other waiting for it.) Yup..... a lot more exercise than usual. And still not enough food to sustain the energy needed to do such things. Still need to do the dishes too. That is my last job of the night. Once that is completed, I am done for the night. It's always been my daily last chore.

Well. I gotta get going.


Later.

Was able to contact the correspondence school that I got my HSED from. There's another $10 I have to come up with. Sadly, My daughter is losing her saxophone, so we will have a bit more money each month, that I might be able to do something about it. It might only be one thing each month but it would be better than doing nothing at all. Thor has been told that there should be work for him one of the places he is actively trying to get into, at the end of this month. But that doesn't help me now. I need $10 for my high school transcripts, $15 for the background check, and $20 for the accuplacer tests. But at least I know what I need to do to get things moving. I just hate the idea of V losing her sax. We only have about 9 months left before the thing is paid off. If we return it now, and reapply for it after getting an income we will have to start all over with it. And there is no one that I can ask for the money. DAMN... why do things always have to work against me. What did I do in a past life, or even in the past of my current life, to warrant all this hopelessness. No work, no family, a marriage I don't want to be in anymore but have no security to be able to get out of. And I am also realizing that I am at that point in my life that some of my friends are not fitting in. I can't be 18 anymore. Thor can, and does. He wants to be that 18 year old that doesn't need to worry about where he sleeps at night. I can't. I just can't. I am that 38 year old that has children who need me to be a stable influence in their lives. I HAVE to be the adult.

I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.

Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.

Things are still a bit bumpy. We have landed safely, and looks like we might be staying longer than we thought. The people we are with want go in together with a place. He likes my cooking, especially since I have been experimenting with new recipes. We have tried 7 new ones and have only found one that we didn't like, and even then it was only the side dish that didn't turn out. The issue is trying to get enough for first months rent and security deposit on a bigger place. We want to try to get a 3 bedroom house, one for them, one for us and one for the girls. Cuz right now we don't have enough room for V to stay with us. And she is not enjoying being out at the grandparents place.

My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership.  But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later