Beautiful day out today... finally. A bit windy but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Got the yard partly picked up... a lot of the limbs that fell due to the ice storm we had a week or so ago. Talked to the roommate about getting a chain saw to cut up the tree that fell. Free fire wood hehe. Got the clothes line poles stabilized, clothes line tightened and tied off. Roommate found a couple of used washers on the side of the road, so he grabbed G and went to get them. Drain pump doesn't work on one, don't know about the other yet. Will check that one out tomorrow. The one with the drain pump not working, it works enough to wash clothes, just have to keep the washer outside since we have to lay the drain hose down on the ground for it to drain. And G, who is doing a load of laundry tonight, says that the spin cycle didn't force as much water out of the clothes as it should have. Will check that tomorrow. Even if it doesn't completely work, we can now do laundry. We have a wash tub sink in the back room, I was planning on getting clothes line next week so that I could do stuff by hand and be able to hang it up. But now, I just have to sit outside so that I can raise and lower the drain hose when needed. I also got lunch meat sliced up (16 lbs worth) and the hamburger separated  Would have gotten more done outside but had to cook supper. Tomorrow is pizza night so I can do more outdoors. I just hope that J keeps getting OT so that we can start to get things that we need for outside. Like rakes and such.

That's it for now. Might be back on a bit later, but V is wanting attention.

Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.

Still waiting for the seat to get fixed. I have suggested that his brother help him, but it didn't happen. I suggested that I help him, still waiting for him to let me know when. I can't drive the car til the seat is fixed, my legs aren't long enough to reach the peddles. I feel like he is trying to hinder me again. I want to get my license, he claims he wants me to too. But yet, I can't drive cause something needs to be fixed and he won't get it done. I would do it but I have no clue as to what, and where it needs to be done.

He knows, even though he won't admit it, that I am having serious thoughts about leaving him. I honestly thing that that is what is going on. He claims to want me to succeed but then does things so that I can't. Cause if I don't succeed, I can't leave him. I can't prove him wrong.... that having a degree does not automatically guarantee a job. Especially when you don't take the time to update that degree. He honestly believes that a place like Best Buy is obligated to hire him cause he took the time to get the degree in the first place.... in 1999. He hasn't taken any tests or updates for that degree since then. But he still expects them to WANT to hire him. He knows that if I get my degree, I will be able to get hired within 1 year of getting it. Why? Cause I will actively seek out work. He didn't. He thought the jobs would come to him and all he would have to do was sit there and watch the offers roll in. Yup... He is that arrogant.

I know that I will have to do a lot of footwork just to get a foot in the door, but since I am choosing a field that is everywhere I know that there would be jobs wherever I move. BIT, Biomedical Information Technology... advance medical billing and coding. I would be able to work at any medical facility that needs to charge insurance companies for services rendered. Just need to get shit together enough to pay the rest of the admin fees for school. Gotta do that soon to, so that I can have classes settled. That way I can let any job that I might be able to acquire what hours I would not be available due to class scheduling. $50, that's it, that's all I need. But there ALWAYS seems to be something more important than that. Somehow, someway... I need to find a way to get it done.

He thinks that once I start school that I won't get a job. But yet when we first moved here I was taking online classes while working part time. So I know I can do it. Had to stop cause we couldn't afford the monthly payments for me to continue taking the classes. So I had to drop out. The new classes, at a different school, are less expensive than the other ones, so my financial aid will better cover it.

Well, arm is starting to hurt to much, so... Later

Well... I am one small step closer to getting to Montana. We have finally renewed my temps. Now we just need to get the seat fixed in the Mountaineer so that I can reach the pedals so that I can get some drive time. I feel fine driving on the back roads and in Rapids (since I know it so well). It is roads like business 52 and Hghwy 10 (I think it's 66 now) by the DMV in Point that make me nervous to drive. Next week, I am setting aside the $20 for the accuplacer tests at MSTC. I received a letter from them dealing with my registration for classes in the 2012 year that I didn't actually finish registering for... and if I wanted to be placed on the list for the 2013 year. I returned it with an affirmative. So I have to get the tests taken (and hopefully I don't have to repay the other fees) so that I can get the class registration confirmed. There are a couple of classes that are hybrids (half in person, half online). But the 2013 schedule isn't up yet...so. We will have to wait to see. I should have my license by then....hopefully. But the 2013 schedule had one that was a hybrid, the in person class was a lab for science. Luckily in the morning, so if they schedule the same times then even if I don't have my license it shouldn't interfere with Hubby's sleep pattern to much. But since most of my classes will be online, I am hoping that I can get a part time job also. So... my goals are:

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There... those are my goals for the next 2 years with their steps to completion. 

Still dreaming about the cowboys though. I just wish they were real. Cause I love to think that since I dream about them so much, that they must dream about me sometimes.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one being bombarded with these dreams and feelings. They are just to strong to be aimed at just me. Are you out there? I know they don't actually read this, if they do exist. When would they have the time? I guess I will find out in two or so years. 

Although with the timeline already being pushed back 1 year from the original date, that means that the youngest will not be moving with me. She would be the end of her sophomore year at the time that I graduate. I wouldn't want her to change schools that late in her high school years. She already have friends (and enemies) established. And, even though things can change drastically in high school, I don't want to disrupt that with changing her schools. SO... she would stay here with her father, while I move. I would get her during summer. No... I wouldn't take her for holidays... why spend family holidays in a place where only 1 family member is... spend it in the place where the majority is. Then, after she graduates, if she wants to move out there with me, she can. Besides... she is flip-flopping between chef and veterinarian as a career choice. So, I told her to do both. We have her classes already figure out for the next four years. Then, if she chooses Vet she can check out the colleges in MT, WY and CO. Plenty of ranches/vet offices out there for her to volunteer at to get hands on experience. Sure there are farms here, but she doesn't want to work solely with cattle. She wants horses in there to and most of the farms in our area are strictly cattle. So... I guess even my moving to MT is for someone else's dreams too. 

Now, hubby is another story. I believe he thinks that since I am willing to work on getting a job, my license and school that I am planning on staying here. I do still plan on trying to purchase the house we are in, but I also still plan on moving to MT. Why buy the place when I plan on moving? For many reasons... 1. I know that if something fails, I have a place to go. 2. When we come to visit, we have a place to stay so that we aren't all crowded into one place. 3. If the children want/need a place to stay they have one. 4. If MT doesn't work out for hubby, he has a place to go. 5. If I move before V graduates high school, I know she has a roof over her head that is not under constant threat of being lost due to income fluctuations. 

I can almost guarantee that hubby will need the place. He doesn't like doing housework, so being a house husband won't happen. He doesn't want to work in the hospitality industry, so all hotel/motels are out. He hated bar-tending/waiting so all bars and restaurants are out. He can't physically handle feces or has the knowledge to handle large animals, so all ranches are not options. He won't update his college degree so all computer based positions are out also. He has an attitude that would get him fired at a gas station or grocery store within the first week of working. So that leaves him with.... nothing. He won't be able to find a job. So he will give up. He will decided he doesn't want to be there anymore and decide that we all are going to move back here. What he doesn't realize is that I am NOT coming back. He can. I won't stop him. But once I get there, I am not leaving it. I KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I was supposed to be there a while ago. But shit happens. I had promised myself that I would be there by the time I was 40. Well.... that will not happen since my degree takes 2 years to get and I am 39 this year. But getting ther at 41 is not a bad compromise. He will try... I know he will... but it isn't where he is supposed to be. It isn't what he is supposed to be doing. I truly believe he belongs here, in WI. And even stronger, I believe he belongs here, in this house. I don't know why, I just feel that this is his place... my second home. MT is my first. It is small enough that he should find it easy to maintain and clean but large enough to have room for the kids when they want to stay. And if I get a decent enough of a job in MT, I would be willing to help with upkeep costs, whether or not we stay married. Granted my own place would be priority of course, but if he needed help with something I would be willing to help him out. Mostly because then I know my kids would be safe while staying here. Granted my youngest only has 4 years left before she turns 18 but.... they are still my kids. 

Anyway. That is what is going on. I will keep crossing off things on my list as I get them completed. 

Later.

Well, we have about 5 months for shit to straighten out. Found out that the roommates are planning on moving out before the next school year.. August. We were under the impression that they were planning on being here for about 2 years when we signed the lease. I understand, and agree, that they need to consider themselves before all others... that's the way it should be. But I just wish they would have given us a bit more time... I know 5 months seems like a lot of time... but I have been looking for work for 3 years and still haven't found anything. Hubby is still only temporary, so we don't know when his last day will be. We hope he goes permanent but we won't know until they decide and tell him. So, even though 5 months may seem like plenty of time to others, it isn't to us... especially since we originally thought they would be here for 2 years total.... and it has only been 6 months. So... there go my 2 year plans of school then moving to Montana. Must place my dreams on hold, again, so that the family is taken care of first. I am just getting so tired of having to put MY dreams on hold. Husband got his... school, degree. He may not be working in the field his degree is in, but then he isn't keeping himself up to date either. He feels that since he got his degree in the first place employers should be clamoring to get him on their payroll. But his technology degree is 13 years old, and had NEVER been updated.

AARRGGHHH!!!! When will I get a break? I just want to be able to go a few months without having to worry about how we are going to pay the rent, or the bills. Or squeezing out enough money to make sure there is gas in the car so that he can get to work. I want to be able to start paying back all the money we have borrowed over the years instead of having to keep adding onto it. I want to start feeling like I am actually accomplishing something with my useless life instead of just being a waste of space. Right now, I am worth more dead than alive. I am utterly useless. And I am starting to see that I will never be anything other than that. And it is a waste of my time to actually try to be more than that.

Getting a bit depressed so I am going to sign off for now. Later.

Well, I didn't get to finish registering for school before the beginning of the year. So, I am hoping that with our tax returns I will be able to complete all the paperwork and make all the fee payments so that I can start in the fall. I keep rubbing my little Buddha's belly but it hasn't been working, so today I picked him up and rubbed his whole body, maybe that will help.

I have also started doing some minor exercises. I know that I am fat and fugly. I can't do to much about the fugly part as it is mostly genetics but I can do something about the fat part. I had done some measuring in the bedroom and noticed that with some rearranging I was able to make just enough room that I can do some exercising. I am one of those very self conscious people that doesn't feel comfortable with exercising in front of others, even at a gym. I have some exercise programs on disc, but no place to play them without running the risk of someone walking in the room. So, with the changing of the bedroom, I was able to make room not just for the exercising but for the tv and ps2 (being used as a DVD player). I have already been doing a very light workout for the past 2 weeks... simple things like leg lifts, pushups and crunches. I have about 50 lbs to lose to get to a comfortable weight. 70 if I want to get as close to my "ideal" weight as I can. I just want to fit into my size 12/14s again. So, since I have been able to successfully change our diets (I have introduced some veggies, rice, pasta and fruit into a mostly meat diet.) For the longest time our diets consisted of meat and potatoes, with corn thrown in every now and then. The first thing I added after moving was rice. Then I started mixing the veggie mix (corn, peas, carrots, green beans) in with the rice. Then substituted the rice with pasta. Also added onion, green/red peppers, garlic, ginger and such into the meat recipes. Now I have found a smoothie recipe to help integrate fruits and yogurt into the diet regularly. Next is salads and veggies that are more associated with salads (zucchini, lettuce, cauliflower, etc.). Once and if we are able to get a stand alone freezer I will incorporate more breads too. But we have limited freezer space and but ALL the meat for the month at one time. I still make sweets (cookies, brownies, hard candies). Not just cause I have a 13 year old, but because I have learned that for my diet to work I still need to incorporate the sweets that I like, just limit the amount I eat. That way I don't crave them and then overindulge when I cave into the craving. I am hoping to have lost enough weight to fit and feel comfortable in my shorts and tank tops come summer. That gives me 4 months to lose the 50 lbs. 12.5 lbs a month. I don't think it will happen. Maybe 10 lbs a month.... but we will see. I also have to be careful of my elbows... tennis elbow. Diagnosed by the doctor in my left arm. Then while trying to not use my primary arm so that it can heal, I over extended the use of my right arm causing it to get tennis elbow too. So, now I have it in both elbows. Not helpful when trying to cook, clean, wash dishes or do pushups.

Still dreaming about Montana though. Have to push those ideas back another 6 months. I know what is happening though. I think he realizes that once I get my degree, and I am ready to move, that I believe that I will be making that move alone. I don't think he could last in MT. Hell, I don't know it I would. But I do know that I would not give up after 9 months. Looking back on AZ and MN... both times we were kicked out at the 9 month mark.... both times due to something he was or was not doing. Now AZ was at a time when personal computers were still a luxury and the internet for the public was new. He had a game that kept causing Windows to do an "illegal" action. The people we were staying with took that to mean that he was doing something illegal (like selling drugs or some shit) in the internet. They didn't believe him when he said it was a problem between the Windows OS and the game he was playing, NOT something he was personally doing. So they kicked us out. MN happened cause he would spend 90% of his home time on the computer. And the times when the people we were staying with saw him on the computer he was always playing WOW. They never saw him fill out applications and such (I never did either but...) Then the one time they decide to confront him with it, he threatens them. The next day they tell us we have until the end of the week to get out. The wife of the couple told me before we left that if I wish to try moving there again without J, that they would welcome V and I in their home. So.... MT wouldn't be any different. Where ever we would be staying if things weren't going according to his ideas, he would do something to get us kicked out. What he doesn't realize.... I am not going to come back. I will sleep in the car if I had to. He can come back to WI. It's where he is most comfortable anyway. He would try to make it work, cause he thinks he has to for me. But then when it doesn't work he thinks I have to come back here for him. I can't do it anymore. Yes, I still plan on trying to buy this house.... It would be nice to have for when we are here for extended stays, and we can rent it out to friends/family while we are gone. And even if it stands empty until those times when we are here... it is still place to stay for family that need to use it. So, I know what I want to do, what I hope to do. I just don't know if I will succeed. Guess we will find out in a couple of years. Now... if my cowboys were to call, then..... weeelll... that would be a different story. I wouldn't need to wait for my degree, since I would be doing the same work that I have been doing for the past 15 years. but.... that is just a dream.... and dreams don't come true.... so.... before I get myself depressed I am going to get off here.

Later.

Still dreaming.....  Are you out there?