You know that song "Is There Life Out There" by Reba.... Well I feel like that. I've been a mom since I was 18, my choice. I know I could have chosen to give up the kids when I first had them, but I chose to keep them. Didn't work out as I ended up giving them up later on, but I tried. I just couldn't do it. But shortly after giving up my oldest kids, I got pregnant again... the difference is that I told the father that we were going to get married if it happened. I did not want to have another child out of marriage. Seemed like a good choice at the time. And it worked then. But now... I am stuck. Looking back on all my relationships, not just the intimate ones, but all of them. I have always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I have given up foods, thoughts and activities cause someone else didn't want/like or do them. I gave up fruits and vegetables cause one of the guys I dated didn't like them. I gave up fish, potatoes and stayed away from the fruits and veggies cause hubby didn't like them. I stopped spending time with friends, and going dancing cause he doesn't like being around crowds. I stopped doing my crafts cause it spent money he thought would be better spent on other things, like his video games. The only thing I haven't given up is my reading, and that I won't give up cause it is my only reprieve from the life I don't want. I have started to take some of my life back... I have started to incorporate fruits, vegetables and fish into my diet again. I have started to learn some new crafts like tatting and beading. I have been trying to go back to school but he keeps stalling me. I know that if I truly wanted to, I could just do it and he would never be the wiser until I actually started classes, but something keeps me back. Maybe I, myself, am scared of success? Things have been for shit for us for so long that when stuff starts to get better, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I WANT to be more, I just never expect the chance for it to happen. But I have been here, in this type of situation before, and still haven't found a way out. Do I keep sabotaging myself? I know the song says "She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering is there life out there". The thing is, I DO want to leave. I want to find my home. I thought it was with J... and for a while it was. But something happened, something changed, I just don't know what. I don't know if it was me, or him, or just I started seeing things differently. I guess that would mean that I changed. I think it happened in Minneapolis. I have been living with and spending time with people that have known both of us for so long that they have biased opinions when asked for advice. But going up there, staying with people who knew me before the kids, before I was married and had never met him, opened my eyes a bit. I saw the arrogance, the anger, the frustration, the condescension he harbors towards those he sees as against him instead of with him. And it is always someone elses fault... he is never to blame.

Why all this today? Well, I guess I did something that pissed him off so much that he couldn't even look at me. I don't know if he found out about my blog here, or if I said something, or if it was cause I fell back to sleep this morning after he told me something. I don't know. And I don't know if I really care either. I do know that it is solidifying my want to get me license and degree. I need to do something. I am tired of living like this. Always struggling financially, never feeling like I am worthy of the air that I breathe. Always doing things their way instead of my own. Feeling like I need permission to think. But always having to be the one that fixes it all. Having to be the one to make sure the chores are done, the kids feel loved and he is sexually satisfied (whether I want to or not). I just feel... I don't know... run down. I know this feeling won't last long, I have felt like this often in the past 10 years. Even more after having to come back from Minneapolis. But I  am stuck. I can't seem to get out of this god forsaken rut. Something is always more important then my going back to school or the license. But yet, I can't get a job without them. He wants me to get a part time job, at least.... so do I. But I have been out of work now for over 3 years, with no prospects on the horizon. I would think that instead of me sitting here doing nothing but fill out applications for the same jobs each month, I could be productive and work on my degree. Get that and in two years get a job that would make me worthwhile to have around. All but one of the classes are online. So once a week, for the first semester only, I would need to go into town for a 2 two hour class. Is that so horrible that it wouldn't be worth it. Is it so bad that I want to begin to feel like I am accomplishing something again? Is it so wrong that I want to feel proud of doing something that would make me a more complete person? I know that I will NEVER be fully complete since my mates aren't here, but at least I could feel like... I'm more. Like I'm more than just a useless waste of space, that I not good for anything other that easy way to relieve stress. An easy lay. I know it's just a pipe dream, but it's a nice one.

Mates, if you are out there, please hear me. Please answer me. I could really use your strength right now. I would revel in your confidence and wallow in your love. And to feel your acceptance would be heavenly. Then again, all I need to do is go to sleep, cause that is the only place you exist.

Well, I am tired so I think I will leave off here. No use going to sleep as the bed is being occupied at this time, but as soon as he wakes, I can go to bed... so I will see you, my mates, as soon as I close my eyes.