Well, the FLE position fell through. I requested a correct edit of the test so that I can go over my mistakes, don't know if I will get it though. So... yeah. Tomorrow I will call KT to see if that is still a possibility since they still haven't called me back. I am thinking not though. If they had really wanted me they would have called back the next day. So, now I know I am even more worthless than I thought. What did I do that was so horrible to cause all this negativity to be in my life? I can't think of anything I did that was so wrong. Sure, I wasn't the best teenager.. dated guys my dad didn't like (but then he was hoping to sell me to the highest bidder), got kicked out of the house at 14 due to my choice of boyfriend. Was homeless for a good year or so, and during that year I did skip a shit ton of school. But then, I was more worried about where I was going to be sleeping that night than making it to school. Was required to move back in with dad at christmas time due to it not looking good to the family if I was homeless in the winter. Moved to MN with my aunt. Did good for a year but then I made bad choices again and he the consequences to deal with again. I know that I made a bunch of bad choices, in both my life and in a bunch of the boys I dated. Always choosing guys that wanted me to be replacements for their mothers but willing to sleep with them. Giving the kids up for adoption was one of the most selfless choices I made but I still got punished for it, as I wasn't able to get back up to Marshfield after the hearing and lost all my stuff, and became homeless due to it. I finally get back up on my feet and I am, again with a man that wants me to care for him like a mother but to sleep with him like a slut. Ended up getting pregnant again, but made this guy marry me. It helped to keep DCFS off my back, but put me in a permanent relationship that I felt trapped in after the first 5 years. Took a chance in '08 that if I had known my felony was a hindrance I wouldn't have taken. Was homeless again after that fell through. Had a job, got accused of stealing, was fired and haven't been able to get a job since. My friend keeps saying that all things happen for a reason, all things are lessons we need to learn. So what the hell is this all teaching me? All I have learned is that my dreams NEVER come true, that I am USELESS and WORTHLESS, that all my good actions have negative consequences to me, that my environment will never get better than living in poverty always wondering where the money to pay the bills will come from, and that my life will have those joyful experiences that make a life actually worth living. If those are the lessons I am to learn... well they have been learned well. I can't get a job cause I am not qualified for anything anymore, I can't go to school cause we can't afford the initial costs to register, and I can't get my license cause we can't afford the gas needed for me to practice. So what good am I?

Well... enough for now. Can't see the screen anymore anyway.

Still not hearing from the possible job position. Gods, I hope one (if not both) come through. I am so tired of sitting on my butt wondering why I am considered unemployable now. I mean, I have worked at three different companies: GBS for two durations one lasting 5 years the other lasting 9 months, KT for 3 years and BQM for 10 months. So I am not a huge hiring risk when looking at a turnover perspective. Two companies are convenience stores and the other is a service (inventory auditing). Since one of the jobs I am waiting on is a convenience store, you would think the almost 4 years worth of experience would be beneficial, even if I have been out of a job for 3 years. The other position is reading through telecommunication, so the fact that I haven't had a primary job that takes me away from the computer should help. Getting both would be best. The convenience store is only 20 hours a week, so I would still have plenty of time to do the FLE work. To the 20 hours would put all the gas in the car we need, and the FLE would pay for all the necessities that his income can't cover. But then, maybe I am just dreaming again. I mean... we haven't had much go right since MN. Him getting hired permanent was the first thing that happened that was in the right direction. But then, as soon as he got permanent our roommate made plans to move out, so our bill doubled right away. Anyway...

I've been torturing myself... reading western romances/erotica. Causing me to dream even more about my cowboys. Heh... that was something that got mentioned on Sunday. Sis and I were talking about my wanting to move to MT. She asked how V felt about it, and I let her know that V only had one question... "what does MT have the WI doesn't?" Sis smiled and answered with me "Cowboys".

Random thought.... wanting to eat some candy means that you have a 'sweet tooth'... so does that mean that when you want to SEE some (eye)candy you have a 'sweet eye'?

Back on track here.....Or maybe not. I don't know... Just here.

I know that I keep typing the same things over and over on here, but when you have a life as boring as mine, what else is there to type about? I only get out of the house (beyond the borders of the property) about 2x a month. And one of those times is to do grocery shopping, the other is to take V to her monthly psyche appointment. So I get out just long enough to see the waiting room at the docs and the grocery store as we shop. I have no friends cause I can't get out to see them, and I have always sucked at keeping in contact by email/letter. I have no important life events to post about on FB so no one sees me there either. So why do I think MT would be any different? Well for 1. I don't see J moving with me, which means I get to be who I want to be not who he thinks I should be. (it isn't him, it's the way I was raised and since I have been this way for so long he just expects it now and he doesn't want to deal with any changes I want to make) and for 2. I have always wanted to be there, dreamt of is since I was 17. Its just nearly impossible to move to a place where you know no one, and have no way to get there. That's why I want to at least get my license before I go, that way I can drive myself there instead of rely on someone else to do it. And I would be able to sleep in my car until I was able to have an income to get a place to live. But.. that is, again, going over things that have already been beaten to death.

I am going to try to find something to do with the restlessness that is crawling through me. It's almost an itch under the skin it is getting so bad. I just want something good to happen, just so that I know that it isn't all just useless. I already know how worthless I am, but being useless at the same time is just to much. Again, beating an already dead horse.

I am just gonna go now. Later.

Having a blah night. What I want to do I can't cause I don't have the right stuff. I have recently learned how to tatt and crochet. I have patterns that I have found that I feel would work for xmas gifts for family and close friends. And I have a ton to do between now and then, but I don't have the right yarn. Granted, a friend of mine has received her mothers stash of yarn so will go through it and give me what she doesn't want/need. But that doesn't mean that she has what I need for the patterns. 

J got his raise. Only $.20 worth. But it was just a 3 month review. He will have a 6 month review in Nov. Hopefully that one will get him a bigger raise. We will see.

I haven't heard back from either KT or Samhain yet. Still have a week for Samhain though. Will send her something on Monday if I don't hear from her before then. 

I'm trying to get back on track with my exercising and such. Since I have my calorie intake down to about 600 per day, if I increase my activity level I should start to see a weight drop. Just doing simple things like walking a couple miles, a simple yoga routine and an interval exercise set. Once school starts we will probably quit doing the walk. Or do the walk but not the exercise set until winter blows in. 

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think those will ever stop until they are in my life. And since I don't expect that to ever happen, I will settle with just having them in my dreams. Yes, I will continue to hope and pray that the come into my life, but I just know that it will never happen. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I have not done what I need to do to have them with me. I don't know what it is, if I did I would do it in an instant. Even if I can only have one of them... it would hurt my heart for that to happen, but my soul is dying without having any of them. I wouldn't be able to pick between them, so they would have to do that. I know.... keep dreaming dumbass.

So.... yeah... blah.

Picture by Stefan Brenner

Starting to feel a bit better. Still a little lower than I normally am. V is with her grandparents this week. J works, and sounds like he might get OT this weekend. I got a call from KT about a possible part time job. Once they found out that I had previously worked for KT they said that they would go over my file and contact my previous supervisor and they would get a hold of me later. They didn't call back yet today though. It's only 20 hours a week, but it would pay for gas for the month. I would also still be able to do the FLE with Samhain (if I get accepted), and possibly work on getting my license.

I know I have been saying that I want to leave J for the past three years, but the chips keep falling wrong, and I can't seem to get to the point where I would feel able to stand on my own two feet. All I truly want/need to do that is a source of income and my license.

Got out of the house for the day yesterday. Boy did it feel good to be around people again. It gets annoying and frustrating when the only people I can talk to are my daughter and husband. We've been together for 15 years now... see each other day in and day out. What the hell do we have to talk about. There have been times when we will go 4-5 days without talking cause there just is nothing for us to say to each other. Nothing new happens. But yesterday was one of the two local town celebrations that V was in the parade for. (both for marching band as the two towns share a K-12 school). So I got out to spend the day with family and friends. J wasn't able to spend the whole day there as he had to work last night. So I got to enjoy the day without having to watch what I say. Got to spend the day with my sisters and the girls. Got to enjoy looking at a bunch of eye-candy. Will be getting some yarn as GG got a bunch from her mother that she won't use. Should be getting some of that this weekend. Just had a good day yesterday. Just wish it would continue.

But I will sign off for now. Later.

At one of those "down" times for me. Hard to get motivated to do anything more than just sitting on the couch and stare off into space. Can't even seem to get up the motivation to read. Been like this for about a week now. I did finally get up and bake some cookies though. Needed to do that for about two weeks now. J doesn't have anything for his lunches.

Still can't get a job to save my life though. Applied to Samhain publishing for a FLE (Final Line Editor) position. Finished the first testing phase. Waiting for them to get back to be to let me know if I passed. Gods, I hope so. To get paid for reading would be.... wow. I can read about 50,000 words a day. They (Samhain) require the FLE to read the book twice. Which I agree with as there is always something you missed the first read through. The shortest books they have are 12,000. So I, technically, could edit one of their smaller books a day. Yes, that may only be $48 per day (that is the amount they pay for that size book), but as I can't seem to find any other work... that would be an income we can deal with. So... to do the math that would be $48 x 365 = $17,520. That is $1000 less than my greatest yearly income so far to date. I think we can handle that.... J's income would pay the bills, i.e. rent, electric, heat, phone. Then my income would pay for everything else. I don't know what their pay periods are like but I would assume either monthly, or quarterly. Now, I don't expect to actually get one book per day... especially in the beginning of my employment. But right now, anything would be better than what I am getting now.

As for school.... I have given up that dream. It just is NOT going to happen. Just another dream of mine that I have to give up due to bad choices I made in the past. So I will just owe $20000 worth of student loans for a degree that I will never have cause of financial issues. So.. I get to sit on my butt doing nothing cause I can't get a job instead of working towards a degree while not being able to get a job.

I have been able to decrease how much I eat though. So I at least don't cost as much I as I used to. I used to eat about 900 calories as day. I have successfully decreased that to about 450 calories a day. So, there is some money that I am saving us. Plus I only eat 6 days a week. So there is one day there that I don't cost anything food wise.

As for Montana. That dream I still cling to. I think I even have V dreaming about it. She wants to move out of this town so bad. But she also knows that IF I am able to move there, that she would most likely stay here to finish school and only be out there for summers. Which she seems to be fine with. Especially since we have already sat down and figured out what she wants to do after high school. Veterinary work, with cooking/chef on the side. She has asked one time which one she should do, I told her to do both. Choose one for a career and the other for a hobby. So she is choosing to go for her veterinarian degree with cooking classes on the side for hobby/extra credit. So we have her next four years of school already figured out. Only way it will change is if classes are not available at the time of signing up for them. She doesn't know where she wants to go to college yet, but we figured she would take high school classes as if she was going to go to a four year college. SO.... she has stated to me that even if she has to get a job to pay for us to get out to Montana.... we will do it.

Whether J comes with will be up to him. I honestly don't think he will. He is where he likes. He may not be doing the work he went to school for, but he is doing something that makes him proud of himself. He has a three year apprenticeship, and at the end of those three years he would be making $15/hour. That is a significant amount for people who never made more than $10/hour. In fact the highest income I ever had was $9.25/hour. So, he would be comfortable staying here. Plus his family is here. He LIKES it here. Where I have been trying to get out since I was 15. I succeeded a couple of times, but issues I wasn't in control of cause me to have to come back. Pregnancy (yea, I could have aborted but that was just a choice I wasn't comfortable with), J getting us kicked out of our place in AZ, J getting us kicked out of the place in MN. Then J got us kicked out of his parent's place.Yea, I know I didn't help as I couldn't find work after I got fired from the gas station... but I wasn't the one getting up in peoples faces and pissing them off.

So, anyway. That is where I am at right now. I think I will be done for now. But I will leave you with a lovely image caught by Mikey at http://mikeysphotos.deviantart.com/