Well, we have about 5 months for shit to straighten out. Found out that the roommates are planning on moving out before the next school year.. August. We were under the impression that they were planning on being here for about 2 years when we signed the lease. I understand, and agree, that they need to consider themselves before all others... that's the way it should be. But I just wish they would have given us a bit more time... I know 5 months seems like a lot of time... but I have been looking for work for 3 years and still haven't found anything. Hubby is still only temporary, so we don't know when his last day will be. We hope he goes permanent but we won't know until they decide and tell him. So, even though 5 months may seem like plenty of time to others, it isn't to us... especially since we originally thought they would be here for 2 years total.... and it has only been 6 months. So... there go my 2 year plans of school then moving to Montana. Must place my dreams on hold, again, so that the family is taken care of first. I am just getting so tired of having to put MY dreams on hold. Husband got his... school, degree. He may not be working in the field his degree is in, but then he isn't keeping himself up to date either. He feels that since he got his degree in the first place employers should be clamoring to get him on their payroll. But his technology degree is 13 years old, and had NEVER been updated.

AARRGGHHH!!!! When will I get a break? I just want to be able to go a few months without having to worry about how we are going to pay the rent, or the bills. Or squeezing out enough money to make sure there is gas in the car so that he can get to work. I want to be able to start paying back all the money we have borrowed over the years instead of having to keep adding onto it. I want to start feeling like I am actually accomplishing something with my useless life instead of just being a waste of space. Right now, I am worth more dead than alive. I am utterly useless. And I am starting to see that I will never be anything other than that. And it is a waste of my time to actually try to be more than that.

Getting a bit depressed so I am going to sign off for now. Later.

Well, I didn't get to finish registering for school before the beginning of the year. So, I am hoping that with our tax returns I will be able to complete all the paperwork and make all the fee payments so that I can start in the fall. I keep rubbing my little Buddha's belly but it hasn't been working, so today I picked him up and rubbed his whole body, maybe that will help.

I have also started doing some minor exercises. I know that I am fat and fugly. I can't do to much about the fugly part as it is mostly genetics but I can do something about the fat part. I had done some measuring in the bedroom and noticed that with some rearranging I was able to make just enough room that I can do some exercising. I am one of those very self conscious people that doesn't feel comfortable with exercising in front of others, even at a gym. I have some exercise programs on disc, but no place to play them without running the risk of someone walking in the room. So, with the changing of the bedroom, I was able to make room not just for the exercising but for the tv and ps2 (being used as a DVD player). I have already been doing a very light workout for the past 2 weeks... simple things like leg lifts, pushups and crunches. I have about 50 lbs to lose to get to a comfortable weight. 70 if I want to get as close to my "ideal" weight as I can. I just want to fit into my size 12/14s again. So, since I have been able to successfully change our diets (I have introduced some veggies, rice, pasta and fruit into a mostly meat diet.) For the longest time our diets consisted of meat and potatoes, with corn thrown in every now and then. The first thing I added after moving was rice. Then I started mixing the veggie mix (corn, peas, carrots, green beans) in with the rice. Then substituted the rice with pasta. Also added onion, green/red peppers, garlic, ginger and such into the meat recipes. Now I have found a smoothie recipe to help integrate fruits and yogurt into the diet regularly. Next is salads and veggies that are more associated with salads (zucchini, lettuce, cauliflower, etc.). Once and if we are able to get a stand alone freezer I will incorporate more breads too. But we have limited freezer space and but ALL the meat for the month at one time. I still make sweets (cookies, brownies, hard candies). Not just cause I have a 13 year old, but because I have learned that for my diet to work I still need to incorporate the sweets that I like, just limit the amount I eat. That way I don't crave them and then overindulge when I cave into the craving. I am hoping to have lost enough weight to fit and feel comfortable in my shorts and tank tops come summer. That gives me 4 months to lose the 50 lbs. 12.5 lbs a month. I don't think it will happen. Maybe 10 lbs a month.... but we will see. I also have to be careful of my elbows... tennis elbow. Diagnosed by the doctor in my left arm. Then while trying to not use my primary arm so that it can heal, I over extended the use of my right arm causing it to get tennis elbow too. So, now I have it in both elbows. Not helpful when trying to cook, clean, wash dishes or do pushups.

Still dreaming about Montana though. Have to push those ideas back another 6 months. I know what is happening though. I think he realizes that once I get my degree, and I am ready to move, that I believe that I will be making that move alone. I don't think he could last in MT. Hell, I don't know it I would. But I do know that I would not give up after 9 months. Looking back on AZ and MN... both times we were kicked out at the 9 month mark.... both times due to something he was or was not doing. Now AZ was at a time when personal computers were still a luxury and the internet for the public was new. He had a game that kept causing Windows to do an "illegal" action. The people we were staying with took that to mean that he was doing something illegal (like selling drugs or some shit) in the internet. They didn't believe him when he said it was a problem between the Windows OS and the game he was playing, NOT something he was personally doing. So they kicked us out. MN happened cause he would spend 90% of his home time on the computer. And the times when the people we were staying with saw him on the computer he was always playing WOW. They never saw him fill out applications and such (I never did either but...) Then the one time they decide to confront him with it, he threatens them. The next day they tell us we have until the end of the week to get out. The wife of the couple told me before we left that if I wish to try moving there again without J, that they would welcome V and I in their home. So.... MT wouldn't be any different. Where ever we would be staying if things weren't going according to his ideas, he would do something to get us kicked out. What he doesn't realize.... I am not going to come back. I will sleep in the car if I had to. He can come back to WI. It's where he is most comfortable anyway. He would try to make it work, cause he thinks he has to for me. But then when it doesn't work he thinks I have to come back here for him. I can't do it anymore. Yes, I still plan on trying to buy this house.... It would be nice to have for when we are here for extended stays, and we can rent it out to friends/family while we are gone. And even if it stands empty until those times when we are here... it is still place to stay for family that need to use it. So, I know what I want to do, what I hope to do. I just don't know if I will succeed. Guess we will find out in a couple of years. Now... if my cowboys were to call, then..... weeelll... that would be a different story. I wouldn't need to wait for my degree, since I would be doing the same work that I have been doing for the past 15 years. but.... that is just a dream.... and dreams don't come true.... so.... before I get myself depressed I am going to get off here.

Later.

Still dreaming.....  Are you out there?

Back again with the usual thoughts and complaints. Doing 98% of the work and no one giving a shit. Heard the female of the other couple that lives here state that she doesn't know what I do that is so important, that what she does around here is more... well, just more. We have lived here for 6 months... she has done dished 4 times (and then only half of what needed to be done), cleaned 1 corner of the living room once, and vacuumed the living room twice and she has helped with taking the garbage to the dump once a week for the past two months or so (although she has missed the past three weeks). That's it. That is all she has done. I share the dishes with my daughter but we do them EVERYDAY. I have cleaned (picked up garbage, folded blankets, organized, and vacuumed) the community rooms (living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and utility room) every week since we moved it. Okay, maybe I missed a couple weeks here and there, like the week that my brother passed, or the week that I was sick in bed for 5 days. But it got done the following week.

I just want out. But I know that will just not happen. Why? Cause I want it. Unless hubby doesn't come with, then I have a chance of it happening. Every place where we lived that I felt even remotely like I was "home" he did something (whether on purpose or not I don't know) that caused us to get kicked out. AZ and MN. Both times we had to move back in with his parents. The first time I had to move out on my own before he would even think about it. The second time his dad had to kick us out. If I am able to complete my goals (getting my 2 year degree and moving to MT afterwards) and he comes with, I will NOT be coming back here when he finally decides he doesn't like it and does something to make us have to move. I can see it happening too. I know he wants to stay here by his family. I understand why too. Those who love and are loved by family normally do want to stay near them. But I don't truly have that. I have my kids, which one would move with me, and the other three are more comfortable with their father's sides of their families. They only want visits anyway, so my coming back here would offer that for them. I do still want to purchase the house we are in and fix it up. But more so that we would have a place to stay for the long family visits we would have. I only have one cousin and three aunts that I would want to keep in contact with and well, that's what the internet and phone is for. 

Anyway, it seems that when we would hit the 9 month mark, if things weren't going EXACTLY the way he wants things to go, hubby would do/say something that would cause the person/s we were staying with to kick us out. Then he would use all the energy he didn't use in that nine months towards getting us back to his family. And I, being the loyal wife I was always taught I should be, would keep my mouth shut and follow him. If I am able to get out to Montana.... there is NO way that I would keep my mouth shut. It will be his third strike. I follow the three strikes rule. Why don't I do that now? Well, technically I can't. Not because we are married. Nope... it's because I have no means of supporting myself right now. I need to get my driver's license and an income first. Once I get those two things I know that I can truly start to consider leaving him. Now.... if my cowboys were to find me, then that would happen sooner But I don't believe that will happen. I don't even think there is anyone in Montana that even reads this blog, let alone knows it even exists. Plus living and running a working ranch, when the hell would they find time to even get on the internet if it wasn't for research purposes. I may be a greenhorn, but I am not without some knowledge. Helping out on a dairy farm when I was younger isn't anywhere near the extent a full ranch is, but it still gives a person a small sense of what goes on. I know that my current schedule would need to change DRASTICALLY, but at least what I would be doing would be appreciated by those that it affects. Hubby doesn't appreciate it cause after 14 years, he just expects it now, so doesn't see it. The other couple, well he was raised that the woman is under the mans boot-heel anyway so what I do is just the way things are supposed to be, and she... well she is an 18 year old who wants to be treated like a 30 year old but still gets to act/talk/be an 18 year old. Since I am old enough to be her mother she expects me to do all the "mother" work while she gets away with being a teenager. Yeah.... not fun.

I still can't get the pictures out of my head though. It doesn't help my depression at all either. Coalfaxx... 6'4", black hair, blue eyes. Ravyn....6'1", black hair, grey eyes. Nico....6'6", black hair, brown eyes. Not all biologically related but consider each other brothers. I know that some out there would think of me as a slut for being with three men at one time. But there are polygamous relationships out there that work. Current hubby... I don't know for sure if he would work out in the relationship... He can't do hard physical labor so working the ranch would be out. Depending on where in Montana we would be would depend on if he would be able to start/run his computer business. But I do know that he would probably eventually find himself a new woman cause I just wouldn't be able to be more than a friend to him. Even with the marriage certificate. It is just a piece of paper. If divorce would make more sense then we would do it. But if the "marriage" doesn't get in the way of any of the other relationships, then why waste the money. 

I also know that the names mentioned are most likely not their real names. Coalfaxx would most likely be something like Colton or Coal. Ravyn... Ray or the like. Nico works cause that would be short for Nicholas. I know that I am just dreaming while awake, but that seems to be the norm for me. I'll be sitting at the computer working on my recipes or books or something and my mind will just suddenly veer off into dreaming about living on the ranch, doing the simple housekeeping chores. There is only intimacy when I forcefully put it there. Otherwise it is just cooking meals, doing laundry, grocery shopping, working in the garden, and sitting on the porch swing after a long hot day enjoying a cold beer and letting the cool breeze dry the sweat off as we discuss the day and what else needs to be done. The intimacy doesn't happen for many months after I start working. I am to fat, ugly and self conscious in the beginning for me to even think about anything happening anyway. But I know that it is the men that surround me who, inadvertently, keep me from achieving what I can and should be able to achieve. I know they don't know that they are doing it, so I don't say anything. And most of the time, it isn't them, but me. With being raised that the woman is at the mercy of the man, that thinking comes through more often than it should. And with being together for so long, hubby has gotten so used to it that he doesn't see it anymore. Plus, I think he likes me being subject to his wants and needs. If/when I do try to change things he fights to keep it the same. He knows that if I get my degree and license that he won't be able to have such a tight hold on me. I believe he also knows that once I get to Montana, there is no coming back here for more than visits. In fact, I don't see myself coming back for more than a week at a time and even then, only for the family picnic in August each year. Come in the week before (Tues. or Wed.) and leave on the following Tues. And making sure that one of the guys is with me so that I not only have someone to share the two day drive with, but to make sure that the vehicle keeps running. (Yup, had that happen long time ago. Came for Christmas break, and the vehicle that was to take me back broke down... didn't get back till 4 years ago.) 

Anyway. I guess I will just log off for now. Lay down and dream my nightly dreams since they are the only thing I look forward to each day. It's sad, you know, that I look more forward to the dreams I dream while sleeping than I do that of the reality of my life while awake. If only.......

Where are you my cowboys.... Love you.

Tonight is one of those nights that makes me realize why I would really like to get a divorce. He is playing a game, Battlefield 3, and he is SSOO good at making friends.... NOT! And he wonders why he doesn't have that many friends. I am actually embarrassed by him right now. And he is making these "friends" over a fucking internet games.


PLEASE cowboy.... where are you.... find me and help me get out of this place.

I feel the need to type my thoughts but can't seem to gather them into any semblance of order. I have such a headache that the pills aren't even making a dent in the pain. Being an empath in a house full of emotionally high people is not a good thing. First I have to deal with frustration over objects not working like they should, then I have to deal with anger and pain from an argument, then I have to deal with more anger at requests not being fulfilled.

I don't know what I am thinking. I have to much going on in my head. I feel the need to get out. To not be here. But I have no way to get anywhere. I am just the housewife. I am low man on the totem pole. I feel like I am living with two men who think women are only here to be be servants and sex slaves. The argument earlier was due to her not making his dinner the way he wanted it. So he went into calling her stupid, and ignorant. But yet when he had set out what he wanted for supper, he never said a thing about how he wanted it made. He just told her to make it. Then he proceeded to get her drunk, and have sex with her.

I think I am just going to have to crawl into my shell and do what I need to do so that I can get out of here. I KNOW I need to be out of here as soon as I can. I need to get my license and degree, then I will be able to get to where I believe I belong.

If I were to get contacted...... never mind. That is just me dreams bombarding me again. I know that what I have with J is not normal. We married cause I got pregnant, and have been together for 14 years. We were good friends before, and when we separate, we will be friends after. We might have to take a year to let our emotions stabilize, but we will be able to be friends again. And I know that I am to old to start a new relationship with anyone. But to be able to be somewhere that I feel I belong would be such an improvement.  I have feeling like I am stuck. That I am not living my life to the fullest I could be. I have NEVER liked being here in WI. But whenever I tried to move out of the state something happened that would send me right back here. Usually J. We moved to AZ so that he could go to school. He had a difference of opinions with the people we were living with so we got kicked out and had no where else to go but here. Then we moved to MN right before the Recession. Again... a difference of opinion with those that were sheltering us, so we have to move back here. Both times, I was pulled aside and told that if I wanted to stay that I would be welcome. But I am loyal... to a fault. I am married to him, I stay with him. Neither place felt like home, but I still felt better than I do here. I have never been to Montana... I still don't know why I feel this need to be there. And the longer I have to wait the more urgent the feeling becomes. But I have no means to get there on my own. And I feel that J is not to come with me when I first go. He might join me at a later time, but the initial move is by myself. I realize that I will have to still support him financially even though I am there and he would stay here. But all the bills can be taken care of online, or with auto pay. So I would only need to make sure to deposit what would be needed for the bills each month, help pay his portion of the rent, and make sure there was enough money for necessities for V. Why would I pay all that? For the girls. One of J's other girls wants to move in with us. And if I were to leave she wouldn't be able to come with me. And V would want to finish out at least the current year of school. If not want to stay til graduation.

I am still struggling with the incessant need to move to Montana. I know that I have always wanted to live there, but before 10 years ago, it was just a passing fancy. Or I thought it was. I don't know anyone who lives there. I have never even visited. I have always dreamed of owning horses, that I have wanted since I was 4 and was put on my first horse. And I have had dreams about the ranch since I was 16. But it wasn't until I was 18 that I started thinking about moving to Montana. But it was never JUST Montana, it was west. Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, N. Dakota, S. Dakota. Eventually it was Montana, Wyoming, Colorado. But about 10 years ago it became just Montana. Nothing in my memories stands out about what happened to make it that way. It just did. 18,000 acre horse/cattle ranch. Mostly horse breeding but with a decent cattle herd to help financially. A working ranch, not a dude ranch. I still dream about that ranch. It isn't realistic anymore, but it has always been my biggest fantasy dream. That dream shrunk down to 20 acres and 2 horses. Then it shrunk even further to becoming just a simple housekeeper on someone else's ranch. Now, I just want to have a small place (own or rent) of my own with a dog and a garden and room for my kids if they want to visit. V would most likely choose to live with me. But my other kids are either old enough to be on their own, or living with other families. But why.... why do I have this ever increasing need to move there? What, or who, is there that I am to see or meet. And how am I supposed to get there when I have no way to even get to the nearest town. How can I get to a place 3 states away when I am not able to get to the town that is 10 miles away. I have always been spiritual. Things happen for reasons. There are more things out there that we don't see than what we are lead to believe. I believe in the supernatural (vampires, werewolves, fae, etc). I have always felt the magic that flows through the Great Mother, even before I understood what it was. I believe in the balance of nature, and the power of free will. This need I have is to strong for me to ignore, but I have no means to complete it. We have no income, so I cannot purchase tickets to get me there. I don't have my license, so can't drive. Even with a license we only have 1 vehicle so I would leave it here for use by J and V. I have no job or living prospects there so what would I be moving to. I don't know a single soul that lives there, so I can't ask for assistance to get there. But this need, it literally aches. I feel physical pain from it in my chest and arms.

So, I guess until I am able to figure out a way to get there, I will just have to keep my head down. Work on getting my license and degree. If an opportunity falls in my lap, I will jump at it. But until then... head down, mouth shut, and just do what needs to be done without complaint. Been doing that for the past 5 years anyway... what's a couple more... right?

Well, my plans need to be pushed back, again. I was able to get all fees paid except the accuplacer tests. So, now I have to get a hold of MSTC and find out if I will need to repay the admission fee. Gods, I hope not. But that means that my plans get pushed back another 6 months at least. Cause I won't be able to sign up for classes until the summer. And if I remember right, there aren't any classes available in the summer months, so I will have to wait til the fall semester.

Now, if my cowboy would just read this and somehow contact me for that dream job on his ranch in Montana, then I wouldn't have to worry about school. And I might be able to start the process of removing myself from my current relationship and getting my daughter into a more stable home environment.

One of the things I would love to "see", is my current roommates (including my hubby) being required to do ALL the work I do. Maybe then they would see that I do more than they think. That is what I hate most about the people I live with. They don't seem to appreciate the things I do do around here. And I don't think they will ever know until I am able to leave them to do it themselves. But while I am here, I am the one that has to make sure it gets done. Cause if I don't do it, then it will NEVER get done. And they know it. They know that if they wait just long enough, that I will get pissed and just do it myself. Then, as I am working on it, they tell me that they were "just about to do that." No they weren't, they were waiting for me to do it. They just want to make sure they don't feel guilty about not doing it themselves by claiming that they were planning of doing it. (Follow that?)

So, cowboys.... where are you? I see you in my dreams. I know your house. I've seen the porch with its swings and chairs. The yellow kitchen with its walking pantry. The first floor mother-in-law suite and the 4 bedrooms upstairs. The dining table can seat 8 but normally seats 5. The backyard garden that I can see from the window above the kitchen sink. These things never change in my dreams. My jobs stays the same too. Simple housework, taking care of the garden, cooking. Helping in the barn during foaling season (that might take me a bit to work up to though since I'm fat and would need to work up some muscle for it).
I want to believe they exist. Brothers. One runs the ranch, the other does something else (police, military not sure) but helps out on the ranch when needed since he lives there too. There are always 2 ranch hands on the property too. During branding season that increases to 4-6 hands depending on need.

I know, I know... they are just dreams. Dreams don't ever come true. Not for me at least. I have found, in my life, that dreams are just that dreams. They have no base in reality. No matter how much of the information stays the same in the dreams, there is NEVER any truth to them. So I know that Ray and Colton only exist in my mind. That there are no such people that are brothers who mutually own a ranch in Montana, but Ray runs it while Colton does what police/military work he does while also living on the ranch. It's a good dream though. Real men who do real work. (I know any job is "real" work... not being able to find a job makes any work "real"). Men who appreciate coming home to a clean house and know that it didn't clean itself. Are there men out there like that? Do they truly exist... cause I have NEVER met one. Shifting through all my memories of men throughout ALL my life I have never met a single man who appreciates the work their spouse/partner does to make the house into a home. They all expect it to happen, but they don't appreciate it. And the only cowboys I ever met were the rodeo boys the year I turned 13. I don't even remember names so they don't count. And even though I know such men don't exist in my life, I still dream of them. I hope they exist somewhere so that maybe my daughter will meet one. That's my biggest fear, that my daughter will end up with a man like her father. I want so much more for her. Someone who will love her no matter her quirks, someone who will appreciate her for ALL she does, and someone who will NEVER take her for granted. I may have started out with a man who loves me for all my quirks, and appreciated what I do. But now, 14 years later... he wants me to be who and what I was 14 years ago. He can't deal with who I have become cause he only wants who I was. I have had to change due to circumstances and relationships, but he hasn't. That's my main reason for wanting to get out of this relationship. I am not the person I was when we married. He hasn't changes... AT ALL. I have had to do all the changing.

Anyway... I am gonna go dream some more. It's all I have to look forward to anymore. Later.