Well. Had to scale down some of the Xmas gifts I had wanted to make for people. But that just means that I can make what I wanted to give to them next year. I made out with receiving a buttload of knitting needles and yarn. Don't know what I will use the yarn for, but will keep all of it just in case. It's mostly scraps. Not enough of one color to make a complete project, but plenty of many colors that I might be able to make an ugly blanket. Will see.

Getting a couple of puppies in Feb. Friends dog had a litter a couple of weeks ago. V had gotten over there just in time to see the last one born. We were going to let her keep that one, but it didn't make it. So, we went over there the other day and she picked out another one. The other puppy picked me. We are spiritual enough to know that when an animal picks a human not to mess with it. There is something meant to happen there. So... Ajax and Kole will join our family in late Jan, early Feb. Gives us a month to get necessary items in the house.

Still working at Walmart. Since the Xmas season is now done I will be getting less hours. Was told between 27 and 32 a week. Fine with me. Come August, I am hoping to get into school anyway. So 30 hours will be enough. I am also hoping that we get enough back in taxes that we can pay off two loan payments and the rest of the 6 month payments for the car insurance. Plus to put some towards the down payment on the house so that we might be able to get a home loan. We've been here for over a year now, so we have already paid $2400 towards the principle of the house. With all the calculators out there, and no matter which one I used, estimating the loan payment is about $200 less that the rent/monthly payments we are currently paying. So making the payments isn't the issue... we are doing that now as is. It's the credit scores that causes the issues.

Still have the "new" car. I kissed a tree with it on Thanksgiving, so it was in the shop this past week, but we got it back today. Hopefully the payments will help my credit enough to help with getting that home loan. Need to start looking into assistance for down payments, that might help too.

Am I still dreaming about Montana? Yup. About the guys? Yeppers. In fact, since the accident, my dreams have become more.... realistic... I guess. I remember things being truthful... like my age is exact, my name is the same, how I was raised and the things done to/for/with me are all the same. Usually in dreams something is different, hair color/length, body size, eye color, name, having supernatural powers. But in these, everything is exactly the same about me. But the guys are still there, Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn. They are still what I have always believed them to be, even though I have no proof. What are they? Well, Coalfaxx and Ravyn are wolf shifters and Nico is a demon (balrog). Yes, I believe in the supernatural (and NOT because of the tv show). Have always believed there is more out there than what we know. How can there not be? Cause if we humans are the best there is, then we are in for a very sad ending. Have always known Coalfaxx to be wolf, ever since I first met him in my dreams when I was 17. Ravyn I met about 7 years ago and Nico about 5 years. I think I might have gone over all this before, but my life is actually pretty boring so this is all I have to talk about. Although now that I have my license, I am able to get out more often.... when we can afford the gas that is.

Anyway.... I still feel drawn to Montana. Have been for 22 years. What held me back? Well, I was raised to live my life based on the man in my life at that time. I, as the woman, must eat, sleep, work and think as the man in my life wants me to. It has taken MANY years, but I am finally getting to the point that those ideas no longer run in the forefront of my mind. I still struggle with getting hubby to understand that I want to do this, that I am trying to me my own person... instead of what he wants me to be. He is so used to me being a certain way, simply because I was this way with the man before him too, cause he believes the same things as that previous man. Housekeeping is wife work, raising children is wife work, working outside the house (lawn work) is wife work, having a job to help with finances must also be done. What does he do? He has a job outside the house. That's it. He, as the man, is not required to do anything else. Since that is almost the way my father raised me, it didn't seem wrong when I was younger. The one thing different with my dad was that lawn work was to be done by the man. Mowing the lawn, shoveling/snowblowing the driveway. Any gardens were for the women, though. But now, I am older, have changed in ways that my hubby doesn't like. Want to take my life in a direction he doesn't want to go. And since he doesn't want to go, he is trying to make it hard for me to do so also. But now... I have my own income, I have my license, and technically the new car is mine as it is my name (along with his brothers) on the loan. His name is not listed anywhere on it.

But... I had made goals for myself about 2 years ago. I may be getting them done a lot slower than I originally wanted to, but they are getting done. What is holding me here? Well three things actually. My income alone is not enough to be on my own. Hence wanting to get my degree... which is the second thing. The third is guilt. I feel guilty cause I do not feel for him what he says he feels for me. I know that he would not have it easy in the beginning of being on his own, cause I have enabled his idea of not doing for himself as he should. He has never had to worry about making the bill payments. He would have a job to make the money to pay the bill but he was never the one to actually keep track of what needed to be paid when and how much to make sure carried over to cover the next bill coming up. He's never had to worry about not having food in the house cause I was always the one to make sure it was there. Stuff like that..... I did the work cause it was just easier for me to do it myself when it needed to get done, than to count on him to do it... when he felt like it. He claims to still be in love with me. I know that I love him, but I am not IN love with him. He has always known my heart belongs to another. But at the time, getting married made sense, it felt right. It still feels ok to be living together, but I hate feeling like I am stringing him along. I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. I feel like we are just two friends that have a piece of paper that states we are married. We get along, we are friends. We enjoy each others company. We are best friends. But I just feel like I need to start living MY life, not living the life I was always made to believe was the one I should be living. Just a couple more objectives to obtain and I will feel like I am able to do that. School.... Montana. In that order.

Well, I have rambled on enough. Will sign off for now. Later.

Been a while. Working, and trying to get all the Xmas gifts done. Got a new/used car. Not much else going on. Life is still boring. No excitement. Home, work.... that's about all we can still afford. Had to fix the furnace. Worked Thanksgiving but didn't get holiday pay since I'm still within the 90 day probationary period.

Still hope to go back to school come next school year. Since some of the tax returns will be mine, I will use that to pay any fees needed to complete registration. Still have hopes to move to Montana. But, as long as I still work at Walmart, I can just transfer out there and use that income while looking for something in my chosen field.

Well, I am tired so I will sign off. Later.

Another update on the list again
1. License within 5 months.
renew temps
fix seat
refresh drive experience
take drive test
obtain actual license (10/25/2013
2. Part time job  (10/23/2013)

3. School/degree in 2017
Registration fee
Background check paperwork and fee
Accuplacer test and fee
Class registration
School funding
Obtain degree
4. Move to Montana
obtain job in MT before move
obtain own vehicle
obtain shelter
I also accomplished getting a few things for the house too. I got a "new" used dryer so that I don't have to hang up all the laundry around the house for them to dry. Also was able to purchase a new slicer as our old ones motor is burned out. Was also able to buy myself a new winter coat too, after 6 years of not getting one.

So... have a few things I still need to do today so... later.

Updating the list again

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test (didn't pass)
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job (not permanent yet though)

3. School/degree in 2017

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There is a chance that the registration fee and the background check stuff for school will need to be redone/repaid. Will find out next year when I go to re-register. I just hope there isn't a waiting list now. I did splurge and buy a new printer when I got a job. This week we are getting a "new" used washer and dryer set from the neighbors for $100. Plus I need to pick up some things for the house since the old roommates are finally getting their stuff out of the house. Just some small things of theirs that I need to replace as we don't have them ourselves (can opener, dish rack, bathroom garbage can and the like). 

Well, gotta get working on supper. Later.

Well, I have taken one road test. Failed. Instructor said my driving was fine, but I didn't check my blind spots as often as I need to to pass the test. Have the second test lined up for Friday. So, maybe I will luck out and pass it this time.

Had to weigh myself for some insurance paperwork. Have gained another 30 pounds. I should start to lose some since I am working now. Since we have to park in the back of the parking lot, it takes me 5 minutes just to get from the car to the back room where the time clock is. Since I have to do that 2-4 times a day, that is a 10-20 minute walk plus all the walking from the front of the store, where the checkouts are, to the back, where the break room is. I am also on my feet the whole time (minus the breaks) I am at work. Moving, not walking, but still moving.

Once I go permanent, I will reapply for school. Since I have an income, the hubby can't complain when I use my own money to pay for all the fees. Cause since it has been long enough I will have to repay the admission fee and most likely the background check fee. The paperwork would still be up to date so I shouldn't have to refill that out.

Still planning on moving out to Montana when I can. The license and the degree are in the forefront. But they are more possible now than they were two months ago. In fact, the license is highly probable within the month. The degree (or the start of actually) will probably wait til at the earliest January if not until the beginning of next school year.

The guys are still there. In my head. I know they are just figments of my imagination, but they keep me going. It's sad when I have to make up people to give me a reason to not give up. My children should do that for me. But the "raising" part of being a parent is done, now is the "guiding" time. Anyway...

I think it is bedtime. Have to be up in the morning. Plus the only time I truly get to be myself is when I am asleep... dreaming.

Night.

This is the list that I had started back in March. This is what it looked like on March 24, 2013
1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

So now, it would look like this

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

The school stuff is going to be put on hold until... whenever. Maybe I can get things set up to start with the 2014-2015 school year. Will have to wait to see. But that will mean that I will have to repay the registration fee. I don't think I will have to redo the background check paperwork/fee though. Since nothing would have changed. But will see. 

Road test for my license is scheduled for the end of this week, so that, with luck, will be taken care of at that time. With the license, I will then be able to truly look at getting back into school. Since I would be able to drive myself to classes when needed. 

Right now, I am only temporary. But if I go permanent, then we will look at getting a new car through a local car dealer that offers loan to low income families. Since permanent would make if possible to guaranteeing monthly payments. If I stay temporary, we will just use our tax returns next year to purchase a used car from somewhere like Craigslist or the buyers guide. 

So my to do list is WAY behind schedule but it is getting done. 

Well, gotta go start supper. Later.

Been a while. Not to much going on. Still no school nor a license. Have another chance at a job. Don't think it will pan out though. I have fallen so far that there is just no getting back up for me anymore. I am stuck here, where I don't want to be, for the rest of by forsaken life. I just know it. I still haven't figured out what the hell I did in my past that was so horrible to cause all this bad karma.

The dreams still sit there, in my head. I see them even when awake. I know they are just that, dreams. And dreams of the fallen don't come true.

Yeah... don't think I should go on with this line of thinking right now. So, I will sign off.