Took the test for css today. Passed it. Now just need to wait to see if I get the open position. The person I will be replacing was well liked so it might take them a bit to actually get to filling it. I am also not the only one that has taken the test. I just happen to be the only one not in school right now. So that leaves my schedule more open than the others. Plus one of the others will be moving to AZ soon.

Finally got a sewing machine. So now I need to get the fabric I need to star making the patterns I have. Have to print them off the computer first. Maybe will be able to get some of our garb done too. Actually I think I will just give up on the SCA. Haven't been able to go to any events for so long that I can't remember how to act anymore. Maybe I can just sell my stuff through someone else that goes more regularly then me. We'll see.

Well I should go to bed. Tired. Later.

Come the end of May, a few things will change for the better. One of bill will be paid off and one of the automatic income deductions will end. Those two things equal an increase of $284 net income a month. Yes, hubby and I have discussed a new bill that we agree on but after initial enrollment fees, will only cost us $80 a month. So, I will have an extra $200 to go towards groceries a month. They say that you are to budget $50 per week per person in your household for groceries (does NOT include household items like toilet paper and dish soap), JUST food. So, that means we should be spending $600 per month for just food. We are lucky to spend $250 a month. So getting that extra $200 will get us that much closer to actually having the amount of food needed to sustain all of us. V gets all she needs, I make sure she eats first. Then I make sure that J gets his portion. I get the leftovers, if there are any. Once you get used to not eating, it is hard to want to start up again. Cause then when we can't afford food again, cause something ALWAYS happens to cause me to not have the money to get what we need, I go through the hurting stage of the hunger pains. Now, I have gotten so used to them that I can easily ignore them. But when I get to be able to eat regularly then have to stop again, it gets annoying to deal with. I have gotten used to only eating 6 times a week, I don't want to break that habit and get used to eating more than that when I KNOW that I will have to get back to it soon enough.

So the new monthly bill is going to be memberships at Adventure 212 for all three of us. J and I get discounted fees through his work. So we will take advantage of it. Means I will need to get a swim suit. V will get a membership too, as there are things there she is interested in. But since I work just a couple blocks from there, I can go after work (if I get off early enough). So my activity will increase dramatically starting in June.

So, there are a few things to look forward to. Still wishing for the guys, but then again, when aren't I.

Time for bed. Later.

Been a while. Not much has changed though. My life is still struggling to keep food on the table and the bill current. No break. Never a break. I don't ever remember a time, since being on my own since 16, when I didn't have to struggle to survive. I would like to be able to breath, to be able to afford food when I wanted to get it without worrying that that money should go to pay a bill instead. Life shouldn't be about giving up food to pay the electric bill. Or putting the gallon of milk back so that you can put gas in the car. Or not getting those fruits and vegetables because if you did then you couldn't pay the medical insurance for that month. I have never gone a month without having to worry about dividing money so that we can pay the bills but only get half the food we need. I am just so tired. I won't give up, cause I am just to damn stubborn to give up. But I would like to be able to enjoy my life instead of wishing it had never happened in the first place.

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think that will ever change. They are my only release, my dreams that is. I know that the guys don't truly exist. They are only figments of my imagination, but they are the only things that have kept me going. I live to dream of them, cause only with them do I feel useful and worthy of life. I have no delusions in this reality... I know how truly worthless and useless I am. The air I breath, the space I take up and the resources that are wasted on me would all be put to much better use if given to someone/thing else. But I will keep trudging on until the Mother calls me back to her embrace. But my dreams, they are what keep me sane. They are what I use to make my life more bearable for myself.

Well, time for bed. I am tired. Later.

I don't know why I am typing here. I don't have anything to update. All is still the same. I just feel the need to be here. And when I get urges like this I try to do them right away.

The need to get to Montana is increasing though. There is just nothing I can do about it though. I just don't have the money to make the move right now. Shit... we don't even have the money to pay the bills AND groceries. Right now it is one OR the other. So the bills are paid, but we have minimum food in the house. And no gas in the car. But then, this is nothing new to me. Have been living like this for so long I don't remember ever having a time when money wasn't an issue. Even at 16 years old, I had to worry about making sure that $400 covered ALL the monthly bills AND bought me food.

Sure, when we get our taxes back I will be able to pay off one or two of the loans that we have monthly payments for, but that will only free up $150 a month. Sure, come August I will have a bit more income due to student loans and such, but it won't be much. I will also be getting my liquor license again with the taxes, which will put me back in line for more hours at work. But it still won't be enough to make a difference.

But the need, just keeps growing. I had hoped to be able to do it by my 40th birthday. Well, that is NOT going to happen. I will not have my degree and the money to move by May. Oh, well. Not like it was going to happen anyway. Nothing I have ever really truly wanted to be able to do has happened. Moving to MT, owning my own home, having my mates at my side. None of it. I should learn to stop wanting such inaccessible things.

Well, gotta cook supper. Later.

Not much to update. Still working, though hours are getting cut now that the Xmas season is done. Hubby is still being a man, and not doing any of the home work. To busy watching his videos to even shovel in front of the mailbox... didn't get our mail for a day or two. I finally noticed and had to do it myself right as I got home from work. He can't do it after work cause he is to tired. Daughter is being a teenager. Not wanting to do her chore. Yup, that is singular. I just ask that she does the dishes on nights that I work. If dishes don't get done, I don't cook when I get home from work. Going to be taking placement tests when I get my taxes back. Need to get that (school) taken care of when we have the money or hubby will find reasons for me to NOT do it. Still have my license, and car. Still dreaming of Montana in a couple years. Still dreaming of Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.

Getting Kole and Ajax on Saturday. Our two new additions to the family. St. Bernard/Collie mix, both boys.

Well, I'm tired so I will sign off.

Later.

Well. Had to scale down some of the Xmas gifts I had wanted to make for people. But that just means that I can make what I wanted to give to them next year. I made out with receiving a buttload of knitting needles and yarn. Don't know what I will use the yarn for, but will keep all of it just in case. It's mostly scraps. Not enough of one color to make a complete project, but plenty of many colors that I might be able to make an ugly blanket. Will see.

Getting a couple of puppies in Feb. Friends dog had a litter a couple of weeks ago. V had gotten over there just in time to see the last one born. We were going to let her keep that one, but it didn't make it. So, we went over there the other day and she picked out another one. The other puppy picked me. We are spiritual enough to know that when an animal picks a human not to mess with it. There is something meant to happen there. So... Ajax and Kole will join our family in late Jan, early Feb. Gives us a month to get necessary items in the house.

Still working at Walmart. Since the Xmas season is now done I will be getting less hours. Was told between 27 and 32 a week. Fine with me. Come August, I am hoping to get into school anyway. So 30 hours will be enough. I am also hoping that we get enough back in taxes that we can pay off two loan payments and the rest of the 6 month payments for the car insurance. Plus to put some towards the down payment on the house so that we might be able to get a home loan. We've been here for over a year now, so we have already paid $2400 towards the principle of the house. With all the calculators out there, and no matter which one I used, estimating the loan payment is about $200 less that the rent/monthly payments we are currently paying. So making the payments isn't the issue... we are doing that now as is. It's the credit scores that causes the issues.

Still have the "new" car. I kissed a tree with it on Thanksgiving, so it was in the shop this past week, but we got it back today. Hopefully the payments will help my credit enough to help with getting that home loan. Need to start looking into assistance for down payments, that might help too.

Am I still dreaming about Montana? Yup. About the guys? Yeppers. In fact, since the accident, my dreams have become more.... realistic... I guess. I remember things being truthful... like my age is exact, my name is the same, how I was raised and the things done to/for/with me are all the same. Usually in dreams something is different, hair color/length, body size, eye color, name, having supernatural powers. But in these, everything is exactly the same about me. But the guys are still there, Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn. They are still what I have always believed them to be, even though I have no proof. What are they? Well, Coalfaxx and Ravyn are wolf shifters and Nico is a demon (balrog). Yes, I believe in the supernatural (and NOT because of the tv show). Have always believed there is more out there than what we know. How can there not be? Cause if we humans are the best there is, then we are in for a very sad ending. Have always known Coalfaxx to be wolf, ever since I first met him in my dreams when I was 17. Ravyn I met about 7 years ago and Nico about 5 years. I think I might have gone over all this before, but my life is actually pretty boring so this is all I have to talk about. Although now that I have my license, I am able to get out more often.... when we can afford the gas that is.

Anyway.... I still feel drawn to Montana. Have been for 22 years. What held me back? Well, I was raised to live my life based on the man in my life at that time. I, as the woman, must eat, sleep, work and think as the man in my life wants me to. It has taken MANY years, but I am finally getting to the point that those ideas no longer run in the forefront of my mind. I still struggle with getting hubby to understand that I want to do this, that I am trying to me my own person... instead of what he wants me to be. He is so used to me being a certain way, simply because I was this way with the man before him too, cause he believes the same things as that previous man. Housekeeping is wife work, raising children is wife work, working outside the house (lawn work) is wife work, having a job to help with finances must also be done. What does he do? He has a job outside the house. That's it. He, as the man, is not required to do anything else. Since that is almost the way my father raised me, it didn't seem wrong when I was younger. The one thing different with my dad was that lawn work was to be done by the man. Mowing the lawn, shoveling/snowblowing the driveway. Any gardens were for the women, though. But now, I am older, have changed in ways that my hubby doesn't like. Want to take my life in a direction he doesn't want to go. And since he doesn't want to go, he is trying to make it hard for me to do so also. But now... I have my own income, I have my license, and technically the new car is mine as it is my name (along with his brothers) on the loan. His name is not listed anywhere on it.

But... I had made goals for myself about 2 years ago. I may be getting them done a lot slower than I originally wanted to, but they are getting done. What is holding me here? Well three things actually. My income alone is not enough to be on my own. Hence wanting to get my degree... which is the second thing. The third is guilt. I feel guilty cause I do not feel for him what he says he feels for me. I know that he would not have it easy in the beginning of being on his own, cause I have enabled his idea of not doing for himself as he should. He has never had to worry about making the bill payments. He would have a job to make the money to pay the bill but he was never the one to actually keep track of what needed to be paid when and how much to make sure carried over to cover the next bill coming up. He's never had to worry about not having food in the house cause I was always the one to make sure it was there. Stuff like that..... I did the work cause it was just easier for me to do it myself when it needed to get done, than to count on him to do it... when he felt like it. He claims to still be in love with me. I know that I love him, but I am not IN love with him. He has always known my heart belongs to another. But at the time, getting married made sense, it felt right. It still feels ok to be living together, but I hate feeling like I am stringing him along. I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. I feel like we are just two friends that have a piece of paper that states we are married. We get along, we are friends. We enjoy each others company. We are best friends. But I just feel like I need to start living MY life, not living the life I was always made to believe was the one I should be living. Just a couple more objectives to obtain and I will feel like I am able to do that. School.... Montana. In that order.

Well, I have rambled on enough. Will sign off for now. Later.

Been a while. Working, and trying to get all the Xmas gifts done. Got a new/used car. Not much else going on. Life is still boring. No excitement. Home, work.... that's about all we can still afford. Had to fix the furnace. Worked Thanksgiving but didn't get holiday pay since I'm still within the 90 day probationary period.

Still hope to go back to school come next school year. Since some of the tax returns will be mine, I will use that to pay any fees needed to complete registration. Still have hopes to move to Montana. But, as long as I still work at Walmart, I can just transfer out there and use that income while looking for something in my chosen field.

Well, I am tired so I will sign off. Later.