Why is it that all the men I would like to have in my life are fictional? Now, I know that most of the books I have been reading are western themed, and the man I married is as far from a cowboy as a man can get (I have never even SEEN a real cowboy anywhere near where I live). But thinking back on my life, and all the men that have been in it, are nothing like what I actually want in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not REPLACE any of them for they all had a part in making me who I am today. But yet, looking back on it all, they weren't (and aren't) what I truly WANT in my life. I would never stop being friends with all of them as true friendship is hard to find these days, but I have never found true love either. Now I know that Coalfaxx, Nico, and Ravyn all hinder my finding someone that I could truly feel deep feelings for, but I haven't ever truly been IN love with the men in my life. I love them, but not IN love. Maybe I can't feel love. Am I that dead inside that love is an emotion that I can't really feel? Guess I will never know.

Maybe I should stop reading fiction. Then I wouldn't miss what I am not allowed to have or deserve for that matter. I need to be more than worthless to be able to have more in my life.

Still, not much change going on. I got a raise but that was due to the company increasing it base wage throughout the entire chain. We were doing well enough that I wasn't having to struggle to pay the bills but he thought we needed renew a loan that was $20 away from being paid off. So now, the first payment for that loan has bounced cuz we just don't have the money right now. And the little bit I got from the quarterly bonus now needs to pay for a new lawn mower instead of an oil change in the car. AARRGGHH!! No relief. We both had two days off together. Knew about it weeks in advance. So I got all the information we should have needed to start the home loan process together. Then come the day I had set aside for us to go, and he decides he doesn't want to go. If I didn't need his income counted, I would have gone alone. But my income alone isn't enough to get a loan the size we need. I have also had to use all the money that I had set aside for my GED on gas and food. So I have to try to squeeze that out of my ass now too.

Please, cowboy, take me away. Please.

Been a while. I have moved up to full time status, still at Walmart though. So, with the 50 cent raise I got, that puts us over the limit for any financial aid, even medical. So, starting Jan we will have insurance through Walmart as mine is cheaper than his. Plus his won't cover me as I am able to get my own through my own employment.

Still haven't completed what I need for school. MSTC won't accept my HSED. Says it's not real. So, I am considering trying other schools for the degree. Just need to find one that will accept my HSED. We shall see.

Not much else going on.

Giving up on Montana. Dreams like that just don't come true for me. So, why keep dreaming. I will still dream of MT and the guys in my sleep but I know that they will never truly exist in my real world. I will just continue to live what useless life I have and try to raise myself above the level of worthless. Haven't succeeded with that yet but maybe one day I will be worth more than a waste of the air I breathe and space I take up.

Well, I was able to almost finish registering for school. Went to an event they were having that waived all fees. So I have the application submitted, and the accuplacer tests completed. But I found out that my diploma is not a real diploma. So I have to go back and get my GED. Luckily, Walmart, where I work, will reimburse the cost of getting my GED up to $300. It doesn't include the cost of gas to get to and from the school, but it would cover the cost of the tests and any books I might need. So, I need to stick it out there, at Walmart, until I at least get my GED. I have to wait til Sept. to start that though. Cuz at the end of this month one of our monthly debt payments is done. So that will free up a little money. Plus we should be getting a bonus check in Sept. so I was thinking of using that to make the initial payments for the tests. If I can't prepay for the tests then I will have my mother-in-law hold onto the money for me. That way I know it won't get spent. Then I plan on starting actual classes for my degree in January.

I have gotten a hold of Wells Fargo to see about getting a home loan. Found out that I should be able to get a FHA loan but I would need $1715 for a down payment. We won't have that til taxed in Feb. But that is ok. It gives us time to work on our credit scores a bit more. Maybe even try to pay off a few more debts. It will definitely add to what we have already paid on the house.  As of the end of Feb (which is usually when we get our taxes back) we would have knocked the principle down by $6000. And no, that is not counted as a down payment. But if we get the loan for the amount of the full cost, we would have that extra $6000 after paying what is left of the principle to get some of the immediate things fixed up. Like the front door. What I am most concerned about to get done is the floor. Cuz at the same time we might as well get the plumbing done as we don't have a basement or even a crawl space. And in turn we would need to get the bathroom done too as the tub doesn't have a floor underneath it. I had hoped to get the "purchase and renovate" loan that Wells Fargo offers as that would give us the money needed to fix up the place. Nevermind, just rechecked that loan option and there is an FHA version of it. YEAH!

Well, been on here a bit longer than I wanted to. Trying to get Xmas gifts done as I am crocheting them. Later.

Some things changing.

Had a talk with the hubby. Told him what was going on in my head. Told him this is it. THE last chance.

He agreed to let me go back to school. So. I am working on finishing the registration I had started a few years ago. I won't have to repay the admin fee but I do have to pay a $5 re-registration fee... better than the $30 for the initial fee we thought I would have to repay. The background check fee is null and void now. But still have to pay for the $20 placement test fee. But that total of $25 is more doable than the original cost I thought I would have to pay of $65.

He knows that I realize that neither of us can make it alone, financially, right now. He has never done any of the chores required with living on your own (housework, paying bills, etc.). And I don't make enough at my part time job to be able to afford a place of my own. So we have agreed to try to stay on the path of trying to purchase the house we are in. We also agree that if we (if we are still together at that time) both move to MT like I hope to after getting my degree, that we will keep the house. We will use it as a vacation house when we come to visit. Leave the keys with the parents so that others in the family could also use it when needed. We know, and agree on, how we plan to fix the house up. I am aiming at the end of Aug to try for the home loan. There is a monthly debt payment that is done at that time, so it frees up a little bit of money. Another one is finished at the end of Sept.

So.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, right now. Now only if life doesn't get in the way like it always did in the past. Just maybe we will have some relief for short bit of time.

I haven't gotten the css position yet, but the store has put that spot on hold for now. To much movement going on with the upper management.

Still dreaming of the guys. Don't think that will ever stop. I don't think I really want it to. Even though it causes a deep longing inside that will never be fulfilled, they still give me a relief from the reality of my mundane existence.

That's it for now. Til later.

Took the test for css today. Passed it. Now just need to wait to see if I get the open position. The person I will be replacing was well liked so it might take them a bit to actually get to filling it. I am also not the only one that has taken the test. I just happen to be the only one not in school right now. So that leaves my schedule more open than the others. Plus one of the others will be moving to AZ soon.

Finally got a sewing machine. So now I need to get the fabric I need to star making the patterns I have. Have to print them off the computer first. Maybe will be able to get some of our garb done too. Actually I think I will just give up on the SCA. Haven't been able to go to any events for so long that I can't remember how to act anymore. Maybe I can just sell my stuff through someone else that goes more regularly then me. We'll see.

Well I should go to bed. Tired. Later.

Come the end of May, a few things will change for the better. One of bill will be paid off and one of the automatic income deductions will end. Those two things equal an increase of $284 net income a month. Yes, hubby and I have discussed a new bill that we agree on but after initial enrollment fees, will only cost us $80 a month. So, I will have an extra $200 to go towards groceries a month. They say that you are to budget $50 per week per person in your household for groceries (does NOT include household items like toilet paper and dish soap), JUST food. So, that means we should be spending $600 per month for just food. We are lucky to spend $250 a month. So getting that extra $200 will get us that much closer to actually having the amount of food needed to sustain all of us. V gets all she needs, I make sure she eats first. Then I make sure that J gets his portion. I get the leftovers, if there are any. Once you get used to not eating, it is hard to want to start up again. Cause then when we can't afford food again, cause something ALWAYS happens to cause me to not have the money to get what we need, I go through the hurting stage of the hunger pains. Now, I have gotten so used to them that I can easily ignore them. But when I get to be able to eat regularly then have to stop again, it gets annoying to deal with. I have gotten used to only eating 6 times a week, I don't want to break that habit and get used to eating more than that when I KNOW that I will have to get back to it soon enough.

So the new monthly bill is going to be memberships at Adventure 212 for all three of us. J and I get discounted fees through his work. So we will take advantage of it. Means I will need to get a swim suit. V will get a membership too, as there are things there she is interested in. But since I work just a couple blocks from there, I can go after work (if I get off early enough). So my activity will increase dramatically starting in June.

So, there are a few things to look forward to. Still wishing for the guys, but then again, when aren't I.

Time for bed. Later.