Well.... last day in the house. Got one load to the storage unit..... have another small load to go to the storage unit, but we have a couple things (bags of clothes, toiletries and our computers) that we are not taking to the unit.... we are keeping them in the car, with us.

I am tired. It's amazing how much shit we had in this one little room. Most of it clothes, but still..

Gonna log off for now... gotta deal with V's hair in like 5 minutes so....

Feeling a bit lonely right now. I just have this need to be with friends, but I don't have any that are available. Most of the people that I would have called friend haven't been around for a few years. They are busy with their own lives and I have been busy trying to keep Thor happy. He isn't one for being around people. He thrives in an environment where only a select few are around. I, on the other hand, have always thrived being with people of all kinds. BUT, I was raised that the man is the important one in the relationship. It is his wants and needs that come before all others. I know, I know.... that is not how it should be. I know that in my head and my heart, but when you have been trained since birth to think a certain way, it is hard to give up.... especially when in a situation that is out of your own control.

I have a plan. I know that I will go through with it. I have told Thor what my plan is. I have even told him that I want to do this, even if he doesn't. He claims to be okay with it. I know that he isn't. Not completely at least. But I have hit a point that I am so frustrated with myself, my relationships with everyone and where I am in life that I HAVE to change something. And since the only thing I can truly change is myself, that is what I am trying to do. It just sucks that I have to do most of it on my own. I need to stop hearing my father, grandfather and all the other old fashioned, closed minded men that have been in my life, in my head. I also know that I am getting close to my breaking point... I will need to see a counselor soon. The urge to cut is getting stronger. Yup, I am a cutter. For those who don't know what that is. I have a problem with wanting to hurt myself. For me, specifically, I get so upset and disgusted with myself that I feel the need to punish myself, and the only way for the need to go away is to see myself bleed. So I will grab a knife or razor and slice up my arm or leg. (I have never attempted suicide, that isn't what the objective is). It's almost like the hate/disgust/anger is so strong inside me that the only way to get rid of it is to personally cause open wounds that release the pressure. And since all the feelings are aimed at myself, I do the damage to myself. It used to be out of control in my teens, but I have learned to recognize the signs that I am getting close and have learned that I just need to find a counselor/shrink/friend that will listen to be vent. I will need to do that soon.

Anyway... my plan. I am going to get my 2 year degree. I am going for a BIT (Biomedical Informatics Technician) degree. I am trying to get things set up to start the next school semester, but I haven't been able to get a date set for my accuplacer tests. Plus I need to come up with money to pay for the background check that is required for all medical personnel in the state of WI. During those two years, I want to also obtain my driver's license. Never had it, never could afford to get it. Then, once I am close to graduating, I will start looking for work in Montana. Why Montana? I have no clue. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to live in Montana. I just never thought it would happen. I still don't know if it will, since a lot can happen in 2 years. But that is my goal. Simple. I just wish we weren't becoming homeless at the same time as I am trying to get into a degree program that required internet connection. I have a netbook that is wifi capable. But it is a bit small for all the programs that will be needed to take all the courses. I had originally thought that online courses would be best, because I don't have my license.... I wouldn't need to get into town as often (there are a couple classes that are in person, but the majority are online), so I would need to bum rides from people. Well, that idea is now down the crapper. Then, after Thor's appointment yesterday, he agreed that I can make an appointment to take the entrance tests next week. I get home to find the phone number to call and it turns out that their phone lines will be down, due to upgrading their system, until Monday. AARRGGHH!!!! I just hope that with getting into the testing late, I will still be able to get all the paperwork and financial aide done, in time to register for any required classes before they fill.

But this lonely feeling have invaded into my thoughts. I just feel so disconnected from everything/everyone. I know I let most of my friends go because I knew Thor didn't want to have that many. And even the ones that stuck it out, aren't happy with us. Most of them think I should have left him 5 years ago. And they could very well be right. But there is never a good time to tell someone that the relationship is over, and now is even worse. Neither of us are able to stand on our own. Right now, breaking up would actually do more damage than staying together, for both of us. But because I have let my friends go due to wanting to keep Thor happy, I have limited support. I don't even have a texting friend. Of course, we just recently obtained a cell phone after not being able to afford one for the past 2 years. Kind of hard to text when you don't have the object needed to do so.

And to top it all, I have been noticing some specific traits in my daughter that I have no one to ask about. And in fact, any person in this area that might be into the lifestyle are so hidden that I wouldn't even know where to start to ask questions.

Anyway..... maybe more later. I think I have ranted enough for now.

Well.... We have a place to land, for a short time. Thor's brother was also willing to put us on his cell plan (along with getting us new one cent phone), so we have a way to contact employers, and in case of emergency. V is staying with the grandparents, who now have medical consent to care for her. I am waiting until later today to set up appointments for school, since I would have to do it around Thor's work schedule, so I am waiting until we have a better idea of what that might be.

Not much else right now.

Until later.

Well..... It is official..... as of Sunday we will be homeless. V will be staying here, with her grandparents until we are able to get her somewhere safe. I don't know where we will go. I don't know where we will land.

I just keep thinking.. if we are going to be homeless here in WI (with no possibility of employment, why can't we homeless in Montana where there is a slim chance to find employment. School seems to be a dying dream. I keep thinking that I would be able to get financial aid that will help with money but I can't get to the school to take the placement tests. Which means that I just wasted $30 for the admissions fee.

I don't know.... I feel like I am hanging in limbo. I don't know which way to go. I don't know if I should waste money to try to get into school (most classes are online), or just continue hoping and praying for a dead end job. Or do I try to find us a way to get out of this state (again). I am at a loss. I don't know what to do, where to go. Wisconsin just doesn't have anything for us anymore, work wise at least.

I also get the feeling that with this situation, Thor will be making a clean break away from his father. He will still stay in contact with his brother and mother, but I think he is done with his father.

 AARRGGHH!!!!! Anyone... does anyone out there have any ideas.

 

Just trying to keep my hopes up. I don't think it will help though.

Later.

Okay. Here's the deal. We have until the 1st to find jobs, accumulate enough money to pay rent/security deposit and a couple months worth of bills. PLUS, we need to find a place to live, have the gas so that we/he/I can get to and from work, find a small amount of money I need to finish school paperwork and get me into town so that I can take my accuplacer tests.

OR... I need a miracle to happen and have my dream Montana cowboys call and tell me that they have need for a live in housekeeper at their ranch. Hunh... right.... that is less likely to happen than all of the previously stated things happening in less than a weeks time.

What is the saddest part of this situation.... I have been here so many times in the past that I can't count them all. My life seems to be just one big never ending loop, with small blips placed at random locations of time. Like the move to Mnpls, in '08. Just as we get to a point where we didn't need state assistance, we get an offer that we think will help us even more. Make the move and have it fail. Just to come back to where it all started and have to do nothing but struggle again. I need to find out a way to stop this circle from happening again. I keep hoping that school with do it, but I can't seem to be able to get the school thing going. Something keeps coming up to stop it. Just like my license. We had the money set aside for new temps, but then we needed gas to make a bunch of appointments and had to use it for that instead.

Is it me? Do I unknowingly, keep sabotaging my life when things are going good cause I don't believe I deserve better? I do know that if we hadn't moved to Mnpls, I would have never considered going back to school. If I can get in to MSTC to get the accuplacer tests done, and get the BIT background check form and payment in, I should be able to start school in August/September. But I need to be able to get all the financial aid stuff done before the end of the week. What's stopping me? Thor.... I know he doesn't want me to get back into school if it will cost us money. He says he's fine with me wanting to finish school, as long as it doesn't cost us a penny. That includes student loans, since we would have to pay them back. I see it as he doesn't want me wasting my time to get something that he doesn't believe I need, since I should be only working somewhere like a gas station and then coming home to take care of the king and his castle. I had wanted to go into town today so that we could stop at Figi's in Point and fill out applications, since they are hiring. Instead we are sitting here at the house waiting for a phone call. I WANT to get me degree, I WANT to move to Montana. But it always seems that when I do what I want, it backfires so drastically that my life gets worse.

Is it Thor? I think some of it is. I do know that he doesn't like doing any kind of work that he had never done before. He won't apply to any jobs that deal with gas stations, grocery stores or the like cause he has never done it so he doesn't want to try. I also know that he doesn't like be to far away from his family. I KNOW that if he comes with me when I move to Montana that he will shortly give up and decide it isn't working for him. He will assume that I will move back her with him, but he will be wrong. I know what he wants. He wants me to have the job, pay for all necessities, do all the "woman's" work when I get home, along with any outside chores that need to be done. He wants sex whenever he wants it, and he wants to think I want it to while it happens (yes that means I have to fake it). He knows that my ultimate goal is that in 2-3 years, I want to be living in Montana. I told him that. I don't think he believes me. I know that any who actually read this will wonder why I am still with him. I think it is because it's comfortable..... It's what I am used to. He's a bad habit that is just to hard to break right now. With all the other things going on, I don't think I would be able to make a clean break away. I'm not that strong right now.

Looking back on my relationships, I have only been a strong individual when I was single, or at the start of a relationship. But I see that as the relationship progressed, I would become what the man wanted me to be, not what I wanted to be. But once I hit the breaking point, or a situation arose that allowed me to make the break, I was able to stand on my own two feet and become my own individual again. The difference this time is the marriage part. I would need to come up with the money for the divorce. And in WI that's about $1000 and 4 months.

V knows about my plans to move also. We discussed it with her Psych doctor. She has already decided that if needed to choose between living with me and living with Thor, she wants to live with me. She has stated that with the way he talks to her sometimes makes her feel stupid. He has never told her she's stupid, but he implies it with other words.

I need to find the strength to do what needs to be done. I need to get into school, get my degree. And shortly before I graduate and start looking for work in Montana, get the divorce started. 2-3 years. I need to hold out for that much longer.

The funny thing is... my dream... the one that a ranch owner calls me needing a live in housekeeper, doesn't include my degree. Simple housekeeping, cooking, laundry, tending the garden. Not easy work, but simple. I have never minded being a housewife. What I have a problem with is my partner expecting me to do it all (housework both inside and out, 40 hour job, kids, sex) without any assistance from him at all. When it take him three weeks to break down 5 cardboard soda boxes, or 5 days to put 1 bag of garbage into the outside garbage can... well that is just a bit much. He tried once.... he tried to do all that I did/do at home.... he quit after 5 days. Why? Because he didn't get a thank you for doing it all. Wow... was I pissed. I haven't heard a thank you from him for all that work either before or after his little excursion into housework.

Anyway...... couple more years. I just need to keep reminding myself that.. A couple more years.....

Now THAT is an inspiration shot. Yum...... cowboy butts....mmmhmm...... gotta get me one of those. (pic taken by MajesticMayhem)

Can't sleep. Been laying there for 3 hours now.

We have 12 days to both get jobs, accumulate enough money to pay for security deposit + a couple months rent + a couple months phone/electric bills, find a place to live AND move all our shit. Somehow our application for housing assistance never got completed. Whether our fault or theirs, who cares.... it didn't get completed. I also need to find money to put gas in the car so that I can take my accuplacer tests at MSTC, and also to pay for a fee needed for the degree I am hoping to go for. The money that I had set aside for my license is gone, needed it for gas. I have the netbook that is wireless, so if I can get everything set up for classes, I should be able to get some done... I just need somewhere that I would be able to access the wireless. And the one class that I would have that would be in person, is the same time one day a week. So I would be able to have Thor park the car in the lot the night before, and just sleep in the car. I just need to get all the paperwork taken care of. I would be able to get grants and loans, which would help out financially, since they would actually be greater than the course/books cost this time.

Well, my mind is wondering and my typing seems to be disturbing Thor, and he has an interview today for a job. That is more important than my insomnia... so... Later.

Got an interview today. Know I won't get the job though. It is one that I had applied to previously, but didn't get.

We have until July 1 to both find jobs AND move out. So I guess my going back to school was a pipe dream. Cause there no chance that we will be able to have jobs, afford rent on our own place AND afford utilities in 2 weeks. V will stay here with the grandparents. She won't like it, but with no place to go, it's safer for her. We have the storage unit and the car. So we will be able to stay out of the elements. Most of them at least.  I just don't know how we can look for work with no phone.

Where's my cowboy when I need him? AARRGGHH!!

I just got even more confirmation that I am not a true part of this family.

I recently got in touch with two of the kids I had given up for adoption. One of which is eager to meet those that I had considered family. Well, three of those people have decided that my family is not worth getting to know. I can't wait... I have got to get out of here. Especially with this confirmation. There is no doubt now, that I will be getting a divorce, when I can afford it. I cannot live with a family that doesn't want me. It's why I don't contact my father's side of family. I won't take V away from them, that just isn't right. But since they don't want me, that won't have to deal with me.

Still haven't heard from the school though. Sent out the check to pay for the admission fee, just waiting for them to call be about the accuplacer tests. Two years. I just need to keep reminding myself that in two years, since I should have my degree by then, I will be out of here. Out of this family, out of this state, out of this relationship. I have lasted 15 years, I should be able to last another two.

Some True inspiration for moving out west. ;) Mmm, yum.

I am hoping that one of us gets a job within the month. The place across the street is going up for rent soon, and if we can get the income, we should be able to get into it. Money would be VERY tight, but at least we would be out of here.

Still trying to get into MSTC. I have the check written out and in the mail for the application fee. My transcripts from MSB are still on hold, so I won't be able to use them to waive the accuplacer tests. Kinda sucks, but oh well. I have to do something. I'm not worth anything without schooling. I can't seem to get a job at any gas station, and I have even been turned down for housekeeping at hotels. Thor says my going to school is a waste of money, but I can't make any money if no one will hire me. Something needs to give soon.

So.... still praying for Montana to come true. Probably will for the rest of my life. My dream shave a tendancy to never come true. I can't get out of the relationship now, because Fate decided that she doesn't want me to. Since the fight, Thor's dad has been cold shouldering us. And since I am married to Thor, I get lumped in with him. I just want out.


The sad thing is... my dream is so simple. Working as a live-in housekeeper at a ranch in Montana. Cost of rent, bills and food taken out of each paycheck. I just do the housework, cooking, and some small gardening, adding in other odd jobs when needed/have time. Of course, since it is a dream that will NEVER come true, I make my boss good looking and single.

It's sad how dreams diminish as you get older. My dream when I was a teenager and young adult was to be married, kids and large (1800 acres) horse breeding ranch. Then my dream turned into happily married, kids and 20 acres of land for a couple of horses and a dog kennel. Now, I want to be happily divorced, kids and working on someone elses ranch.

The only part of that dream that happened is the kids. Three I had to give up for adoption, one at home. I always wanted 5 kids, so I still have one more to have. Of the three I gave up, two have contacted me and want to be a part of the family. The third is happy where he is, so he has no need to contact me. He knows how to get in contact with me when he decides he is ready.