Feeling a bit lonely right now. I just have this need to be with friends, but I don't have any that are available. Most of the people that I would have called friend haven't been around for a few years. They are busy with their own lives and I have been busy trying to keep Thor happy. He isn't one for being around people. He thrives in an environment where only a select few are around. I, on the other hand, have always thrived being with people of all kinds. BUT, I was raised that the man is the important one in the relationship. It is his wants and needs that come before all others. I know, I know.... that is not how it should be. I know that in my head and my heart, but when you have been trained since birth to think a certain way, it is hard to give up.... especially when in a situation that is out of your own control.

I have a plan. I know that I will go through with it. I have told Thor what my plan is. I have even told him that I want to do this, even if he doesn't. He claims to be okay with it. I know that he isn't. Not completely at least. But I have hit a point that I am so frustrated with myself, my relationships with everyone and where I am in life that I HAVE to change something. And since the only thing I can truly change is myself, that is what I am trying to do. It just sucks that I have to do most of it on my own. I need to stop hearing my father, grandfather and all the other old fashioned, closed minded men that have been in my life, in my head. I also know that I am getting close to my breaking point... I will need to see a counselor soon. The urge to cut is getting stronger. Yup, I am a cutter. For those who don't know what that is. I have a problem with wanting to hurt myself. For me, specifically, I get so upset and disgusted with myself that I feel the need to punish myself, and the only way for the need to go away is to see myself bleed. So I will grab a knife or razor and slice up my arm or leg. (I have never attempted suicide, that isn't what the objective is). It's almost like the hate/disgust/anger is so strong inside me that the only way to get rid of it is to personally cause open wounds that release the pressure. And since all the feelings are aimed at myself, I do the damage to myself. It used to be out of control in my teens, but I have learned to recognize the signs that I am getting close and have learned that I just need to find a counselor/shrink/friend that will listen to be vent. I will need to do that soon.

Anyway... my plan. I am going to get my 2 year degree. I am going for a BIT (Biomedical Informatics Technician) degree. I am trying to get things set up to start the next school semester, but I haven't been able to get a date set for my accuplacer tests. Plus I need to come up with money to pay for the background check that is required for all medical personnel in the state of WI. During those two years, I want to also obtain my driver's license. Never had it, never could afford to get it. Then, once I am close to graduating, I will start looking for work in Montana. Why Montana? I have no clue. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to live in Montana. I just never thought it would happen. I still don't know if it will, since a lot can happen in 2 years. But that is my goal. Simple. I just wish we weren't becoming homeless at the same time as I am trying to get into a degree program that required internet connection. I have a netbook that is wifi capable. But it is a bit small for all the programs that will be needed to take all the courses. I had originally thought that online courses would be best, because I don't have my license.... I wouldn't need to get into town as often (there are a couple classes that are in person, but the majority are online), so I would need to bum rides from people. Well, that idea is now down the crapper. Then, after Thor's appointment yesterday, he agreed that I can make an appointment to take the entrance tests next week. I get home to find the phone number to call and it turns out that their phone lines will be down, due to upgrading their system, until Monday. AARRGGHH!!!! I just hope that with getting into the testing late, I will still be able to get all the paperwork and financial aide done, in time to register for any required classes before they fill.

But this lonely feeling have invaded into my thoughts. I just feel so disconnected from everything/everyone. I know I let most of my friends go because I knew Thor didn't want to have that many. And even the ones that stuck it out, aren't happy with us. Most of them think I should have left him 5 years ago. And they could very well be right. But there is never a good time to tell someone that the relationship is over, and now is even worse. Neither of us are able to stand on our own. Right now, breaking up would actually do more damage than staying together, for both of us. But because I have let my friends go due to wanting to keep Thor happy, I have limited support. I don't even have a texting friend. Of course, we just recently obtained a cell phone after not being able to afford one for the past 2 years. Kind of hard to text when you don't have the object needed to do so.

And to top it all, I have been noticing some specific traits in my daughter that I have no one to ask about. And in fact, any person in this area that might be into the lifestyle are so hidden that I wouldn't even know where to start to ask questions.

Anyway..... maybe more later. I think I have ranted enough for now.