OR... I need a miracle to happen and have my dream Montana cowboys call and tell me that they have need for a live in housekeeper at their ranch. Hunh... right.... that is less likely to happen than all of the previously stated things happening in less than a weeks time.
What is the saddest part of this situation.... I have been here so many times in the past that I can't count them all. My life seems to be just one big never ending loop, with small blips placed at random locations of time. Like the move to Mnpls, in '08. Just as we get to a point where we didn't need state assistance, we get an offer that we think will help us even more. Make the move and have it fail. Just to come back to where it all started and have to do nothing but struggle again. I need to find out a way to stop this circle from happening again. I keep hoping that school with do it, but I can't seem to be able to get the school thing going. Something keeps coming up to stop it. Just like my license. We had the money set aside for new temps, but then we needed gas to make a bunch of appointments and had to use it for that instead.
Is it me? Do I unknowingly, keep sabotaging my life when things are going good cause I don't believe I deserve better? I do know that if we hadn't moved to Mnpls, I would have never considered going back to school. If I can get in to MSTC to get the accuplacer tests done, and get the BIT background check form and payment in, I should be able to start school in August/September. But I need to be able to get all the financial aid stuff done before the end of the week. What's stopping me? Thor.... I know he doesn't want me to get back into school if it will cost us money. He says he's fine with me wanting to finish school, as long as it doesn't cost us a penny. That includes student loans, since we would have to pay them back. I see it as he doesn't want me wasting my time to get something that he doesn't believe I need, since I should be only working somewhere like a gas station and then coming home to take care of the king and his castle. I had wanted to go into town today so that we could stop at Figi's in Point and fill out applications, since they are hiring. Instead we are sitting here at the house waiting for a phone call. I WANT to get me degree, I WANT to move to Montana. But it always seems that when I do what I want, it backfires so drastically that my life gets worse.
Is it Thor? I think some of it is. I do know that he doesn't like doing any kind of work that he had never done before. He won't apply to any jobs that deal with gas stations, grocery stores or the like cause he has never done it so he doesn't want to try. I also know that he doesn't like be to far away from his family. I KNOW that if he comes with me when I move to Montana that he will shortly give up and decide it isn't working for him. He will assume that I will move back her with him, but he will be wrong. I know what he wants. He wants me to have the job, pay for all necessities, do all the "woman's" work when I get home, along with any outside chores that need to be done. He wants sex whenever he wants it, and he wants to think I want it to while it happens (yes that means I have to fake it). He knows that my ultimate goal is that in 2-3 years, I want to be living in Montana. I told him that. I don't think he believes me. I know that any who actually read this will wonder why I am still with him. I think it is because it's comfortable..... It's what I am used to. He's a bad habit that is just to hard to break right now. With all the other things going on, I don't think I would be able to make a clean break away. I'm not that strong right now.
Looking back on my relationships, I have only been a strong individual when I was single, or at the start of a relationship. But I see that as the relationship progressed, I would become what the man wanted me to be, not what I wanted to be. But once I hit the breaking point, or a situation arose that allowed me to make the break, I was able to stand on my own two feet and become my own individual again. The difference this time is the marriage part. I would need to come up with the money for the divorce. And in WI that's about $1000 and 4 months.
V knows about my plans to move also. We discussed it with her Psych doctor. She has already decided that if needed to choose between living with me and living with Thor, she wants to live with me. She has stated that with the way he talks to her sometimes makes her feel stupid. He has never told her she's stupid, but he implies it with other words.
I need to find the strength to do what needs to be done. I need to get into school, get my degree. And shortly before I graduate and start looking for work in Montana, get the divorce started. 2-3 years. I need to hold out for that much longer.
The funny thing is... my dream... the one that a ranch owner calls me needing a live in housekeeper, doesn't include my degree. Simple housekeeping, cooking, laundry, tending the garden. Not easy work, but simple. I have never minded being a housewife. What I have a problem with is my partner expecting me to do it all (housework both inside and out, 40 hour job, kids, sex) without any assistance from him at all. When it take him three weeks to break down 5 cardboard soda boxes, or 5 days to put 1 bag of garbage into the outside garbage can... well that is just a bit much. He tried once.... he tried to do all that I did/do at home.... he quit after 5 days. Why? Because he didn't get a thank you for doing it all. Wow... was I pissed. I haven't heard a thank you from him for all that work either before or after his little excursion into housework.
Anyway...... couple more years. I just need to keep reminding myself that.. A couple more years.....
No comments:
Post a Comment