You know that song "Is There Life Out There" by Reba.... Well I feel like that. I've been a mom since I was 18, my choice. I know I could have chosen to give up the kids when I first had them, but I chose to keep them. Didn't work out as I ended up giving them up later on, but I tried. I just couldn't do it. But shortly after giving up my oldest kids, I got pregnant again... the difference is that I told the father that we were going to get married if it happened. I did not want to have another child out of marriage. Seemed like a good choice at the time. And it worked then. But now... I am stuck. Looking back on all my relationships, not just the intimate ones, but all of them. I have always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I have given up foods, thoughts and activities cause someone else didn't want/like or do them. I gave up fruits and vegetables cause one of the guys I dated didn't like them. I gave up fish, potatoes and stayed away from the fruits and veggies cause hubby didn't like them. I stopped spending time with friends, and going dancing cause he doesn't like being around crowds. I stopped doing my crafts cause it spent money he thought would be better spent on other things, like his video games. The only thing I haven't given up is my reading, and that I won't give up cause it is my only reprieve from the life I don't want. I have started to take some of my life back... I have started to incorporate fruits, vegetables and fish into my diet again. I have started to learn some new crafts like tatting and beading. I have been trying to go back to school but he keeps stalling me. I know that if I truly wanted to, I could just do it and he would never be the wiser until I actually started classes, but something keeps me back. Maybe I, myself, am scared of success? Things have been for shit for us for so long that when stuff starts to get better, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I WANT to be more, I just never expect the chance for it to happen. But I have been here, in this type of situation before, and still haven't found a way out. Do I keep sabotaging myself? I know the song says "She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering is there life out there". The thing is, I DO want to leave. I want to find my home. I thought it was with J... and for a while it was. But something happened, something changed, I just don't know what. I don't know if it was me, or him, or just I started seeing things differently. I guess that would mean that I changed. I think it happened in Minneapolis. I have been living with and spending time with people that have known both of us for so long that they have biased opinions when asked for advice. But going up there, staying with people who knew me before the kids, before I was married and had never met him, opened my eyes a bit. I saw the arrogance, the anger, the frustration, the condescension he harbors towards those he sees as against him instead of with him. And it is always someone elses fault... he is never to blame.

Why all this today? Well, I guess I did something that pissed him off so much that he couldn't even look at me. I don't know if he found out about my blog here, or if I said something, or if it was cause I fell back to sleep this morning after he told me something. I don't know. And I don't know if I really care either. I do know that it is solidifying my want to get me license and degree. I need to do something. I am tired of living like this. Always struggling financially, never feeling like I am worthy of the air that I breathe. Always doing things their way instead of my own. Feeling like I need permission to think. But always having to be the one that fixes it all. Having to be the one to make sure the chores are done, the kids feel loved and he is sexually satisfied (whether I want to or not). I just feel... I don't know... run down. I know this feeling won't last long, I have felt like this often in the past 10 years. Even more after having to come back from Minneapolis. But I  am stuck. I can't seem to get out of this god forsaken rut. Something is always more important then my going back to school or the license. But yet, I can't get a job without them. He wants me to get a part time job, at least.... so do I. But I have been out of work now for over 3 years, with no prospects on the horizon. I would think that instead of me sitting here doing nothing but fill out applications for the same jobs each month, I could be productive and work on my degree. Get that and in two years get a job that would make me worthwhile to have around. All but one of the classes are online. So once a week, for the first semester only, I would need to go into town for a 2 two hour class. Is that so horrible that it wouldn't be worth it. Is it so bad that I want to begin to feel like I am accomplishing something again? Is it so wrong that I want to feel proud of doing something that would make me a more complete person? I know that I will NEVER be fully complete since my mates aren't here, but at least I could feel like... I'm more. Like I'm more than just a useless waste of space, that I not good for anything other that easy way to relieve stress. An easy lay. I know it's just a pipe dream, but it's a nice one.

Mates, if you are out there, please hear me. Please answer me. I could really use your strength right now. I would revel in your confidence and wallow in your love. And to feel your acceptance would be heavenly. Then again, all I need to do is go to sleep, cause that is the only place you exist.

Well, I am tired so I think I will leave off here. No use going to sleep as the bed is being occupied at this time, but as soon as he wakes, I can go to bed... so I will see you, my mates, as soon as I close my eyes.

Well, things are starting to get a bit better. Hubby finally got permanent position at the company. So... no more sitting on edge dealing with losing work. With the permanent position comes a raise. Can't get the medical yet as it would cause us to have a decrease in take home pay even after the raise. Maybe in a year or two. I am also hoping that with him getting permanent he won't be so against my going back to school. Of course things have continued to get in the way of my getting my tests taken. I am hoping to do it next month. Gods... please let it happen. I so need to get this done. Not necessarily so that I can prove to hubby that I can make it without him, but to prove to myself that I am worth more than just... this. I want to prove that I can be more than I am. I am a stay at home mom because I can't be anything else right now. It's one of those things that I want to be doing it cause I CHOOSE to, not because I can't be anything else. And right now I don't have a choice. Plus, I still dream about getting out to Montana. Yup, still dreaming. I wish I could stop, cause I KNOW that dreams never come true. But I just can't stop them from happening. My mind takes over for me and conjures them up.

I am also feeling very lonely. I am not alone, since I have V, J, and the roommate here almost constantly. But I have no one to talk to about things. V is 14... and my daughter, so some things just don't get discussed with her. J and the roommate TS know all that goes on in my day, which is nothing, but since they are here constantly there is no reason to discuss things with them that do not deal with household stuff or finances. I tried registering on one of those email pals sites but all I got were guys looking for sex stories. NOT what I want. I truly want someone who wants to talk things out, learn about each other, possibly become friends. Then again.... I keep comparing people (in RL or on the internet) to the men in my dreams, Coal, Ravyn and Nico.

Why? I can't get them out of my head. They are there ALL the time, sleeping or awake. They are so real in my mind that they can't be real in RL, right? I mean... there just can't truly be men like that that exist in our time and dimension. They have GOT to be just figments of my imagination. They are to Alpha to be anything else. Okay... just so you can know what I mean by they are not capable of being real.... All three are tall (Ravyn is 6', Coal is 6' 2" and Nico is 6' 6"), black hair (tint varies cause Ravyn is flat black, Coal has a tint of blue and Nico is a tint of red). Eye color: Ravyn has chocolate brown, Coal is blue, and Nico is silver. In my dreams they all have military experience, but Ravyn and Coal are semi-retired, Nico is still serving. Ravyn is running a ranch and Coal is police (sheriff/deputy). Obviously they are all still fit as they need to be due to chosen professions. They are not blood related, but have chosen the others as their brothers. Spiritually both Ravyn and Coal are wolves and Nico is a demon. Two black wolves and a balrog. It's just.... men like this don't exist in my world. They never have and never will.

All the men in my world are rude, crude, or lazy. I have NEVER lived with a male who helps out around the house unless bribed with sex. I never met a man who didn't expect their woman to pamper them like their mothers did, while working 40 hours jobs AND doing all the housework, along with always being ready to service the man whenever and however they wanted. I received exactly 5 thank yous for all the work I've done and shit I've taken in the past 14 years. Those who do work, are crude and just....eww. I know that I am not worth much myself... I am SFF (short, fat and f-ugly) so this is all that I am worthy of getting. And sadly, I don't think I want to know that men who appreciate and care for their women exist, cause then I would feel even worse since I wouldn't be worthy of having a man/men like that. Having them in my dreams will just have to be enough.

What's even funnier is that all the dreams I have with the three of them in it.... NONE are sexual in nature (unless I consciously make it sexual). There is love and trust. There is contentment and security. There is loyalty and confidence. I am proud of being who I am, and doing what I do. I feel appreciated for what I do, and I enjoy doing it. I don't feel used and neglected. I don't feel useless and worthless. I don't feel like a waste of space. Thinking back on all my relationships with me... no matter intimate or platonic there were only 4 men that made me feel like I was worth something. Larry, Brian, Heath and Ray. My older brothers 4 best friends in school. They all treated me as a little sister. Even after intimate relationships didn't work out. They didn't see me as another useless female. Even rescued me from a disastrous school dance that my "date" decided to bring a second female date with us. I made one call and had 4 "brothers" willing to kick some ass if needed. After school, one went into the military, one found religion and I don't know what happened with the other two. Anyway..

Gonna go dream some more...Later

Feeling irked and frustrated tonight. Don't know why.

Got the stereo from the storage unit into the house today and got the washer that TS found in the house too. Have to test the stereo to make sure it still works, need a needle for the record player and (believe it or not) an cassette for the 8 track player. We have a converter, one that plugs into the 8track player then plays through one of those cassette tapes that are used for care stereos and such. But we don't know if it is the player or the converter that doesn't work.

Actually I think I have an idea of why I am feeling irked.... feeling a bit used. Had to "service" J today so that he could fall asleep. Gotta keep reminding myself that I only have until I get my license and degree. I'm just so tired of feeling used. I know that technically it is my fault cause I let him do it. It's just easier to play along cause right now there is no way that I could make it on my own. I can't even get a job. Dollar General won't even hire me. How pathetic is that?

At least I have my dreams. They are all that keep me sane right now. It's sad that three men that only exist in my dreams are all that keep me going each day. But... they are all I've got right now. Not to put down my kids, but they are all old enough now that they don't need my care 24/7. So, I can now think about what I want and need. What I want are my men, what I need is to get myself back. But as long as I am with J that won't happen. I know he claims to still love me, and I believe he thinks he still does. But I honestly think that he is just comfortable with what we have and is scared of change. He hates going places he has never been to before. So, if I were to leave him, he would be in a place he thought he would never be. On his own. He has ALWAYS had someone to catch him, to make sure his bills were paid, to make sure there was food in his gut. Sure, he works to bring in the income. But he has never had to sit down to figure out the finances. Someone else has always done that for him. UGH.

Well, I am tired. Don't know if it is due to the hauling of big appliances today or because of my mental state (maybe both), but I am going to go lay down and read a bit.

Later.

Beautiful day out today... finally. A bit windy but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Got the yard partly picked up... a lot of the limbs that fell due to the ice storm we had a week or so ago. Talked to the roommate about getting a chain saw to cut up the tree that fell. Free fire wood hehe. Got the clothes line poles stabilized, clothes line tightened and tied off. Roommate found a couple of used washers on the side of the road, so he grabbed G and went to get them. Drain pump doesn't work on one, don't know about the other yet. Will check that one out tomorrow. The one with the drain pump not working, it works enough to wash clothes, just have to keep the washer outside since we have to lay the drain hose down on the ground for it to drain. And G, who is doing a load of laundry tonight, says that the spin cycle didn't force as much water out of the clothes as it should have. Will check that tomorrow. Even if it doesn't completely work, we can now do laundry. We have a wash tub sink in the back room, I was planning on getting clothes line next week so that I could do stuff by hand and be able to hang it up. But now, I just have to sit outside so that I can raise and lower the drain hose when needed. I also got lunch meat sliced up (16 lbs worth) and the hamburger separated  Would have gotten more done outside but had to cook supper. Tomorrow is pizza night so I can do more outdoors. I just hope that J keeps getting OT so that we can start to get things that we need for outside. Like rakes and such.

That's it for now. Might be back on a bit later, but V is wanting attention.

Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.

Still waiting for the seat to get fixed. I have suggested that his brother help him, but it didn't happen. I suggested that I help him, still waiting for him to let me know when. I can't drive the car til the seat is fixed, my legs aren't long enough to reach the peddles. I feel like he is trying to hinder me again. I want to get my license, he claims he wants me to too. But yet, I can't drive cause something needs to be fixed and he won't get it done. I would do it but I have no clue as to what, and where it needs to be done.

He knows, even though he won't admit it, that I am having serious thoughts about leaving him. I honestly thing that that is what is going on. He claims to want me to succeed but then does things so that I can't. Cause if I don't succeed, I can't leave him. I can't prove him wrong.... that having a degree does not automatically guarantee a job. Especially when you don't take the time to update that degree. He honestly believes that a place like Best Buy is obligated to hire him cause he took the time to get the degree in the first place.... in 1999. He hasn't taken any tests or updates for that degree since then. But he still expects them to WANT to hire him. He knows that if I get my degree, I will be able to get hired within 1 year of getting it. Why? Cause I will actively seek out work. He didn't. He thought the jobs would come to him and all he would have to do was sit there and watch the offers roll in. Yup... He is that arrogant.

I know that I will have to do a lot of footwork just to get a foot in the door, but since I am choosing a field that is everywhere I know that there would be jobs wherever I move. BIT, Biomedical Information Technology... advance medical billing and coding. I would be able to work at any medical facility that needs to charge insurance companies for services rendered. Just need to get shit together enough to pay the rest of the admin fees for school. Gotta do that soon to, so that I can have classes settled. That way I can let any job that I might be able to acquire what hours I would not be available due to class scheduling. $50, that's it, that's all I need. But there ALWAYS seems to be something more important than that. Somehow, someway... I need to find a way to get it done.

He thinks that once I start school that I won't get a job. But yet when we first moved here I was taking online classes while working part time. So I know I can do it. Had to stop cause we couldn't afford the monthly payments for me to continue taking the classes. So I had to drop out. The new classes, at a different school, are less expensive than the other ones, so my financial aid will better cover it.

Well, arm is starting to hurt to much, so... Later

Well... I am one small step closer to getting to Montana. We have finally renewed my temps. Now we just need to get the seat fixed in the Mountaineer so that I can reach the pedals so that I can get some drive time. I feel fine driving on the back roads and in Rapids (since I know it so well). It is roads like business 52 and Hghwy 10 (I think it's 66 now) by the DMV in Point that make me nervous to drive. Next week, I am setting aside the $20 for the accuplacer tests at MSTC. I received a letter from them dealing with my registration for classes in the 2012 year that I didn't actually finish registering for... and if I wanted to be placed on the list for the 2013 year. I returned it with an affirmative. So I have to get the tests taken (and hopefully I don't have to repay the other fees) so that I can get the class registration confirmed. There are a couple of classes that are hybrids (half in person, half online). But the 2013 schedule isn't up yet...so. We will have to wait to see. I should have my license by then....hopefully. But the 2013 schedule had one that was a hybrid, the in person class was a lab for science. Luckily in the morning, so if they schedule the same times then even if I don't have my license it shouldn't interfere with Hubby's sleep pattern to much. But since most of my classes will be online, I am hoping that I can get a part time job also. So... my goals are:

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There... those are my goals for the next 2 years with their steps to completion. 

Still dreaming about the cowboys though. I just wish they were real. Cause I love to think that since I dream about them so much, that they must dream about me sometimes.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one being bombarded with these dreams and feelings. They are just to strong to be aimed at just me. Are you out there? I know they don't actually read this, if they do exist. When would they have the time? I guess I will find out in two or so years. 

Although with the timeline already being pushed back 1 year from the original date, that means that the youngest will not be moving with me. She would be the end of her sophomore year at the time that I graduate. I wouldn't want her to change schools that late in her high school years. She already have friends (and enemies) established. And, even though things can change drastically in high school, I don't want to disrupt that with changing her schools. SO... she would stay here with her father, while I move. I would get her during summer. No... I wouldn't take her for holidays... why spend family holidays in a place where only 1 family member is... spend it in the place where the majority is. Then, after she graduates, if she wants to move out there with me, she can. Besides... she is flip-flopping between chef and veterinarian as a career choice. So, I told her to do both. We have her classes already figure out for the next four years. Then, if she chooses Vet she can check out the colleges in MT, WY and CO. Plenty of ranches/vet offices out there for her to volunteer at to get hands on experience. Sure there are farms here, but she doesn't want to work solely with cattle. She wants horses in there to and most of the farms in our area are strictly cattle. So... I guess even my moving to MT is for someone else's dreams too. 

Now, hubby is another story. I believe he thinks that since I am willing to work on getting a job, my license and school that I am planning on staying here. I do still plan on trying to purchase the house we are in, but I also still plan on moving to MT. Why buy the place when I plan on moving? For many reasons... 1. I know that if something fails, I have a place to go. 2. When we come to visit, we have a place to stay so that we aren't all crowded into one place. 3. If the children want/need a place to stay they have one. 4. If MT doesn't work out for hubby, he has a place to go. 5. If I move before V graduates high school, I know she has a roof over her head that is not under constant threat of being lost due to income fluctuations. 

I can almost guarantee that hubby will need the place. He doesn't like doing housework, so being a house husband won't happen. He doesn't want to work in the hospitality industry, so all hotel/motels are out. He hated bar-tending/waiting so all bars and restaurants are out. He can't physically handle feces or has the knowledge to handle large animals, so all ranches are not options. He won't update his college degree so all computer based positions are out also. He has an attitude that would get him fired at a gas station or grocery store within the first week of working. So that leaves him with.... nothing. He won't be able to find a job. So he will give up. He will decided he doesn't want to be there anymore and decide that we all are going to move back here. What he doesn't realize is that I am NOT coming back. He can. I won't stop him. But once I get there, I am not leaving it. I KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I was supposed to be there a while ago. But shit happens. I had promised myself that I would be there by the time I was 40. Well.... that will not happen since my degree takes 2 years to get and I am 39 this year. But getting ther at 41 is not a bad compromise. He will try... I know he will... but it isn't where he is supposed to be. It isn't what he is supposed to be doing. I truly believe he belongs here, in WI. And even stronger, I believe he belongs here, in this house. I don't know why, I just feel that this is his place... my second home. MT is my first. It is small enough that he should find it easy to maintain and clean but large enough to have room for the kids when they want to stay. And if I get a decent enough of a job in MT, I would be willing to help with upkeep costs, whether or not we stay married. Granted my own place would be priority of course, but if he needed help with something I would be willing to help him out. Mostly because then I know my kids would be safe while staying here. Granted my youngest only has 4 years left before she turns 18 but.... they are still my kids. 

Anyway. That is what is going on. I will keep crossing off things on my list as I get them completed. 

Later.