Well, I am not completely homeless yet. I guess we have some time before we are actually required to be out. But things are tense.

I am still waiting for a response from the school. As I though would happen, my transcripts from MSB are on hold. So I sent an email to the person I was corresponding with, asking if it would be something that would hinder my admittance. He hasn't gotten back to me yet. I figure I will wait till Friday. If I don't get anything back by then, I will send another email. He/She might be out of the office seeing as it is the end of the year. I know they have summer classes, and the office is open during the summer. I just need to get things moving so that I know what my schedule would be like.

I did some searching and there are so few places that offer BIT degrees online. I will probably do a more in depth search, since the one that I did was rushed and while I was actually concentrating on something else.

My Ultimate goal is still to get out to Montana. With or without Thor. I get the feeling it will be with though. He would have no where to go if I went without him. I just need to stop caring about being what he wants me to be, and just be me. If I feel like I need to change something, I should.... whether he wants me to or not.

Anyway...

Later.

Well. I guess we have a few days. I wasn't really a part of the argument. I try to stay out of them. But just as I was getting things straightened out enough that I should have been able to get started with removing myself from this relationship, and now I can't. If I get an offer to get out of here, I have to take him with. V will, obviously, go with me. She doesn't want to stay here anymore. I know that no offer is on its way, but....

It all started cause Thor was going to cook a pizza. He turned on the oven, and his dad went ballistic. They had purchased one of those more advanced convection oven so that they would have something other than the regular stove. We were told NOT to use it. Thor's brother has permission to use it, but we can't. Since we are living in a trailer with no air conditioning, turning on the stove increases the heat exponentially. That is what his dad was bitching about. Well, one thing led to another, and we now have, I don't know how much time, to get out. This happens often. It's one of the reasons I don't like being here. But I don't have a choice. My family will not or can not help me. Thor is so adverse to people that we have lost the majority of our friends that might be able or willing to help. So... since we have an unknown limited time to find a place that is free to live at since we have no money, I will not be able to go after my degrees.

This should teach me... it isn't the first time that I tried to do something to better myself and someone elses actions/words make it so that I can't. Even though I am no where near who and where I want to be at this point in my life, it looks like I will never get there. Fate, or whatever, seems to think that the world is better with me on my back on the bottom of this hole with no way to stand or get out. I just don't want to be here anymore. I know that I am not wanted here either. I have known that for a few years now. They don't see me as family, just as someone who married their son, and the mother of one of the grandkids. I know that they will never say anything to my face, but it's in what wasn't said.

So... my dreams are again shattered and laying at my feet. No Montana, no school, no degree, no new life. All I have left is to find a low paying job that offers true security, and a place that is so cheap that it is probably condemned. Will have to invest in an ice cooler or something cause we won't be able to afford electricity. Well, we have the car. I guess that will work.

Enough for now. I'm not going to put anymore "inspiration" pics up, cause that dream is now dead. All those pics will do, is make me feel even worse since it's something I don't seem to deserve.

Well, I guess I won't be going to school anyway. We are getting kicked out. Since I won't have internet, I can't take my classes. All but a few are online. So... I don't know when I will be on here again.

Later.

Well, I finally got a response. I won't be going after the certifications. They aren't financial aide optional. I am trying to decide if I should go after a BIT (Biomedical Information Technician) degree, or just try to continue with my Business Administration. So, after some discussion with an admissions counselor, I will be making some phone calls tomorrow. Need to check with some medical facilities about their caregiver background checks. I have three misdemeanor counts of child neglect back in 1996. I figure if only one of the three main hospitals/clinic in the are would be okay with hiring my for administration work even though I have the neglect convictions, then I will pursue the BIT. I did check, Montana doesn't seem to have a caregiver background check unless you are going to work at a nursing home facility. The reason I need to check with the local places is for the clinical that is required to graduate. If they won't allow me to even do the clinical, then I can't get my degree. So I will be calling the three big facilities in the area: Ministry Health Care, Riverview Hospital, and Aspirus. I figure if even just one of these three are lenient then I have a chance. My convictions are from 15 years ago and are all misdemeanors, and the counselor said that the businesses would take that into consideration. Sadly, I have to work fast, as there is also an Orientation that is required, and doing some quick skimming of stuff, it is a few months before classes start. So.... I need to get this done before the end of the month.

Well, that will be it for the night

Later

Just sent another email off to the school. Still haven't heard anything from the enrollment adviser. It's been two weeks. I haven't even gotten an "I received your email and am working on it" response. So.... let's hope something happens this time. I need to know, for my own personal reasons, if I can go back to school. If I can't, then there is no point in even trying to make myself more employable. I can't seem to get hired at any of the gas station.... Walmart doesn't even seem to want me. What does that say? That I am less than worthless. What is worse than worthless? I don't even know.... I hate the days when I feel like this. And the sad thing is... all I need to feel better about myself theses days, is a job. Something part time and minimum wage. Cause at least then I would be worth the air I breath. I have already cut my food intake to once a day, and only when food is made for the WHOLE household. The one exception is around the 14th of the month, we get our foodshare allotment then. So I buy some foods just for myself. Some cheeses and such. Those I don't share and when they run out, I go back to eating the 1 meal a day. But I am not worth that much food. I was always taught that you are only worth as much as you make. Since I haven't worked in two years, I owe a lot of money to those that have been carrying me.

I keep having this dream, and I know it will never come true cause my dreams just don't. But I get this phone call from someone, obviously I make it into Coal but he doesn't start off as him, wanting to hire me as a live in housekeeper on their ranch/farm. (I never really leave the house so I don't know what is raised/grown out in the fields). I live in the main house, I do all the housework (cooking, washing, laundry, etc.) and also some of the cleaning for the bunkhouse. I also help out with a garden (I am currently not much of a gardener, but I have always wanted one). I receive an income but not just taxes are taken out... there is also a room/board fee that is removed from each paycheck. It is to pay for rent, food and bills that are affected by my presence in the house. But I am working. Doing something I know I can do. Being an asset to someone. Feeling like I am more than worthless. Obviously there is more to the dream, like my daughter deciding to live with me, and my finally getting frustrated enough with Thor to file for divorce. And of course this dream takes place out in Montana. But since it IS just a dream I can make it takes place anywhere I want to.

I don't think Thor realizes how set I am to moving out there. I think he assumes that I have already forgotten it. I haven't. I am just waiting. I have things that I need to get taken care of before I am able to start moving in that direction. Since I have to do this myself, and my a fore mentioned dream will never come true, I have to make sure that I can make a safe/secure home for my kids. (I have some that will most likely choose to spend time with me once I get settled) That is why I sent that second email to the school. I want to get my certifications. While I am working on those, I will work on getting my driver's license. Once I have my license and am close to finishing off my certifications, I will start to apply to jobs in Montana. Obviously, I will continue to look for work here, in hopes of getting a job so that I can save up money for the move itself.

Anyway... back to looking for work.

Later.

Been a week since I contacted the school. The office assistant sent me an email to let me know that she passed my email on to the admissions adviser. I haven't heard anything since then. I would like to start getting this thing going. I still need to deal with the application and paying the non-refundable fee. Then I need to apply for financial assistance to pay for it all. I know that I can get loans and grants. I was able to get them when I was working, I should be able to get them when I'm not. I just want to get things moving so that I know where I am. So that IF I get a job, I can let them know that I will be in school starting the new term. I figure I would go through and get the medical office stuff (coding, billing, reimbursement, and customer care). That way I can apply to (and possibly work at) any healthcare facility. And since my ultimate goal is to move to Montana, I could apply to just about any hospital/clinic/dental/nursing home facility in the state. I am also thinking about adding just a few bookkeeping classes in there to round everything out. If my credits transfer I should already have a Office Assistant certification. If they don't, it wouldn't take much to get one. Then I would have certifications in Office Assistant, Medical Billing/Coding/Reimbursement, Medical Customer Service, and Small Business Accounting. So I would be able to work in just about any office setting.

All I know is that as soon as I get my first paycheck, from whatever job I happen to get, I will have to have someone take me to town, so that I can open a new account under just my name. That way I can hide some money from Thor. He has the issue that money burns a hole in his pocket. And I want to be able to move out of here as soon as possible. If I get a job in town, I should be able to just walk to a bank to open up an account. The issue is doing it while he isn't the one picking me up. I would then have to change my direct deposit so that only the money needed to pay our monthly bills and help with food/gas is deposited into the joint account. Then once I have enough saved up, I should be able to move. I know that is it selfish, but I hope it works out that I get a job (soon) then start school in the fall. While being able to stay here while I save up the money to move to a different state, and to pay for filing for divorce. I have the official marriage certificate now, so I have proof that the marriage took place. I even have someone who is willing to use her contacts and get me a lawyer for either pro-Bono or reduced fees. As long as I make more than $600 a month, I would be able to pay for all the bills, gas in the car, giving Mom and Dad money for help with monthly utilities, and money to move with. The sad thing about that.... I am wanting a job that pays me the equivalent to what most people pay for monthly installments on their car or apartment. Even Velvet's psych doctor stated that ONE of her car payments is more than what we make in a month. And she has two car payments and a house payment, along with monthly utilities. I suppose your wondering how much we make.... well after child support takes their portion, Thor brings home $31 a week in unemployment. That's it... that's all we make. $124 a month. Now, it makes sense that I would be happy with a job that only pays $600 a month. Obviously I would want to make more than that, so that I know that I can afford a place of my own, with my daughter, along with all the monthly bills/necessities. And since I plan on doing this without Thor, I would need to be able to do it on my own. I know I can do it... I did it with no help from him for some time before he got hired at the phone company (before we moved to Mnpls.) I did it after we came back for the time that I was at the gas station. And we were smokers at that time. Now we aren't so that is one less "necessity" to pay for. If I get a job like I had a Kwik Trip, I would be able to make it. To bad they won't hire me back. Tried that, didn't work. SO... school is my best option. Whether he wants me to or not. As long as he doesn't know about the loans that I will most likely get, he won't throw a fit. If the classes work out the way I think they will, I should have all my certifications in about 18 months (starting in the fall). But I should have some money left over for living expenses from the grants and loans for living expenses. I hope.... GODS, I hope it works. I need it to work. I can't keep going like this. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be able to offer safe place to ALL my kids when they need it. I want to be able to move out ON MY OWN and know that I will be alright. I want to be able to leave this relationship and begin to feel secure in my own skin again.

Well that, I think, is it for now.... might be more later.

One of the things that I don't like about Thor.... it takes someone else starting to do something that needs to be done before he "offers" his assistance. He does it so that it seems like he is willing to do the work, but offers late enough that his assistance will most likely NOT be needed. Just needed to say that as he just now did it to someone other than me. Later.