I am having an issue. I see this house in my head. I don't know who it belongs to but I am always in or near it in my dreams. I haven't seen all of it yet, but the parts of it that I do see make me feel like I'm home. But I keep going through home plan sites and I cannot find the plans for it anywhere. I know that it is a 2 story farmhouse with both a front and back porch. It might be a wraparound but I don' think so. The front of the house looks a cross between these two houses.

I know that the upstairs is all bedrooms... 3 I think. I haven't been up there so I am not sure. And downstairs, well I have only be in the rooms on the right side of the house. The left, I think, has the office/den and a formal dining room. But when you walk into the house, there is a hallway in front of you with a stairs leading up on the left side of the hallway. There are two archways on either side of the hall before the stairs. I think the left one leads to the office/den... but the one on the right leads to a family room with a stone fireplace on the far wall. OH... and all floors are hardwood. Through the family room, to the left of the fireplace is an open doorway into a breakfast room with a large table that seats up to 10 people. Beyond the table there is an angled sliding glass door leading to a covered porch with stairs to the backyard. Standing between the table and the living room, off to the left is the kitchen. It is blocked from view at the table by a partial wall, where the fridge stands. Along the back wall, in the kitchen, is where the sink is with a window looking out to the back yard. A small island stands in the middle of the kitchen. There is a door leading to the space under the stairs where the "basic" pantry is. There is another open doorway on other side of the kitchen leading back to the original hallway. Across the hallway from this door is where I believe the dining room is. But if you turn right out that kitchen doorway to follow the hallway further back, I think this part was added at a later date and is not a part of the original house plans, there is another door that leads to a guest bedroom that has it's own small bathroom. This room also has sliding glass doors that lead out onto the porch, on the opposite side of the main doorway. Upstairs, I think, has the master suite and one or two smaller bedrooms.

I just want to know where this house it. I have NEVER been in a house like this, in reality. I want to believe that it is real... I doubt it is, but hope is... what hope it. I even know that the kitchen is a yellowish color. There is a half basement cause there are freezers down there to store food. There is a garden outside in the back. The front porch has 4-5 steps up to the flooring, and the front door has a screen door. There are porch chairs on the front porch, and a porch swing on the back porch. The laundry is on the first floor, I just am not sure where. Since I have only "seen" a small portion of the house, it could be anywhere, I just know that it is on the first floor. There is no garage. I remember that too. I do know that, if it is real, it is outside of town. I would say a good few miles. Cause I don't remember seeing any other houses while standing on either porch. The siding is white and the roof is a grey/blue.

I have thought about drawing the house out on paper, but I don't know the dimensions of the rooms. I can get a basic layout, but there is always something about it that is wrong. I keep trying though. I just wish I knew someone who would be willing to try to draw out the plans for me... but I don't know any architects. It actually isn't all that large of a house.

I don't know.. maybe everything IS all in my head. I want so much to belong somewhere that feels like home that I am making myself believe it truly exists. Home is supposed to be where the heart is. But my heart belongs to someone whom I have never met. It belongs to land I have never touched. It belongs to a horizon I have never seen.

Well, I suppose. Try to do something so that I feel productive. Yeah, right... lately there isn't much I CAN do to make myself feel like I am worth more than I truly am. Yes, I am one of those people who believes you are only worth the amount of productivity you do. So... since I am unemployed and not in school at the moment.. that means that I am not even worth the cost of the water I use to take my showers, nor am I worth the amount of food I eat once a day at supper. If I was in school I would be worth a bit more since I would be working towards bettering myself to get employment that would be worth having. And I learned the hard way, since it's not my house I try not to get in the homeowner's way when it comes to cleaning. I do the dishes, help with the garbage and include their laundry if I am short of a full load. But people have certain ways they want things done. And since my way isn't their way, I just try to get out of the way.

Well, off to whatever I go...

Well, my daughters hair, at least a small portion around her face, is now the shade of purple she likes. Now... to see how much shit she gets at school for it. We like in a small hicktown in the middle of WI. They people around here don't like things that aren't "normal." And having purple hair isn't normal. We'll see.

Not much else going on today. Got a few more songs downloaded. Some of my new books transferred into my library (I have a Kindle, and store my books on my computer using Calibre as a library.) So whenever I get new books, I transfer them into my library. I still have more to do, but I just didn't feel like doing anymore, tonight.

Still haven't heard from MSTC. We will be going to town tomorrow to get my permit renewed and to get V some more of her meds.

Not much else....

Here... enjoy the view. ;) Another one from MikeysPhotos. I am becoming addicted to his stuff. But you can see why.

Was actually a bit busy today. Had to go to town and show support for my oldest daughter in her state competitions for Jazz Ensemble and Madrigals. She came back home with us to finally meet the rest of the immediate family. Still needs to meet Thor's oldest daughter, Wemic (the oldests mother), and the Littlest One (my young niece). While she was home she was preoccupied with her boyfriend texting. I guess there was some things going on. I understand what was going on, it's just not my place to say anything. Then, after supper, I had to dye my youngest daughters hair. She had originally asked to dye it purple. I was able to talk her into just dying about 1/4 in of hair around her face. But she had to get her hair cut short. I think she looks better with her hair shorter, plus it is easier for her to take care of during the summer.

Well, Coal and I finally did the dirty in my dreams last night. Surprise.... I guess I can enjoy myself in my dreams. Now if only I could find him, or someone damn close to him, in real life.

No... I gotta remind myself that if I leave the relationship I am in now, that I will need time to find out who I am, who I want to be. To get my head back to where it should, to get my body and health back on the right track. To let my heart heal, cause even though I am the one that will do the leaving, I will still hurt. If I find someone, which I doubt as I am not the catch that Thor wants me to think I am, I won't fight it... but I will try to take is slow. I know that men usually work off visual stimulation the most... and I KNOW that I am NOT visually appealing. I am short, not something that will change except to get shorter when osteoporosis kicks in. I am fat, something that I can change... I just don't have the right environment/stimulation to stick to a physical activity to help get rid of it. I know that if I had animals to take outside, or a garden to work in, or outside activities that I wold enjoy, or even one person that would be willing to just take a walk with me.... I would be able to get back on track with my weight. But Thor, even though he says he wants to walk with me, doesn't truly want to. He is happiest when he is on his butt exercising his fingers on the keyboard. I used to be happiest when I was outside enjoying the company of other people and animals. (gave that up for him, so that he would be more comfortable.) I know that I am ugly, my acne/rosatia is genetic, so I actually have to take medicine for it, just to control it. Just washing my face or watching what I eat doesn't work. I have, what my doctor calls, perpetual staff infection. The way she explained it is, staff is something that everyone has, it is a part of your skin makeup. You get a staff infection when to much of it collects into one area. For me, 90% of my acne are mini staff infections. So I have to take an antibiotic everyday. One of my front teeth is broken, and our insurance is only accepted by very select few dentists. The one that we have easy access to has a two to three year waiting list. We got on the list in 2010, and last time we checked three months ago, they were just getting to people who had been on the list since 2008. Once I can get my tooth fixed, I will be willing to take care of my teeth regularly. I do it now, just not as often as I should.

What I need to do... it find inspiration. Clothes won't work. I may want to get down to at least a size 12, but I don't truly care about how they look on me. Jeans and tshirts/sweatshirts... that is what I wear. I have always had a boot fetish, but even if I do lose weight, I still wouldn't be able to get any as we don't have the money for it. I already have the clothes, they may be in storage but I don't have to buy them. Actually, anything that costs money wouldn't work. We don't have any, so I wouldn't be able to get it anyway. I could use pictures of guys that I find attractive but what would that do? Just make me feel worse and not want to work out cause they wouldn't want me anyway.... even if I do lose weight. I know that if I were working, I would have an easier time losing weight. I would have a reason to leave the house and do something. I would have more people to talk to other than just Thor. I wouldn't be surrounded by his selfish attitude. "If it doesn't do something good for me with a 24 hour period, it isn't worth doing." He likes working out at the gym. I prefer to DO things outside that are not only good exercise but they a productive at the same time. It may be simple things like hanging up laundry, or watering/weeding the garden, play with/walking the dog. But I like doing them with one or two people I enjoy spending time with, not a crowd of strangers that look at you and judge without knowing. So... what do I use for inspiration? There is noone that I WANT to look good for anywhere in my present or near future. There are no pieces of clothing that I dream of having. There is no physical activity, other than a job, that I have to lose weight for to do (and one isn't required to be skinny to work at a good number of jobs.) I need something, just have to figure it out.

Well, I think I will post some "take the right road" inspiration then I am outta here.

Cowboy, PLEASE, take me away. The stench is so horrible tonight that I am having problems keeping my supper down. And he just took a shower like 2 days ago. What I wouldn't do to have a porch that I could sit on to get some fresh air.

Why can't I be there now?.... If only.

Working on enlarging my country music selection. Not much else to do today. Thor when to get K (his second oldest). Gonna get Mom's oil changed while he is gone. Our SUV is getting fixed tomorrow, so we will feel better about using it then.

Gotta go into town tomorrow. My oldest daughter is going to state her vocal ensemble. They compete tomorrow so we are going to do our damnest to get there to show our support. She was one of the three that I gave up for adoption about 15 years ago. She and her older brother have made contact (my youngest initiated the first contact) with me, thank the gods. I always knew that she and her younger brother were on Facebook, but I couldn't/can't make contact until they were 18. But I looked it up, after V asked if she could send them something. There is no law, either for or against, pertaining to siblings making first contact in WI. GJ was the most receptive, S wasn't ready until a month or so ago, and G isn't ready at all yet. G is happy where he is at, so I'm okay with that. V is out trying to get her weekly job done before tomorrow (and before the rain gets here). Her summer job is to mow the lawn. She get $10 for each time she does it. That's the most she's made for anything yet. I have always wanted to be able to pay her for her chores, but with never having enough income to cover basic monthly bills... I can't even give myself an allowance.

I keep dreaming about him. Every night, he is there. There are times when I even dream about him while awake. Obsessed much? I can hear his voice, feel his touch, smell his scent. I've danced with him, cuddled with him, worked by his side. I see him all the time. He's a more than a head taller than I am (I'm 5'4"), the top of my head meets his collar bone. Black hair that barely brushes his shoulders. Intense blue eyes, that change with his moods. Slight western/southern drawl while he talks. (coming from the Midwest some slight accents sound almost alike.) Callouses on his hands from working with them so much. Surprisingly, sex never happens in these dreams. I guess I am faithful even in dreams. I may be with another man, but he and I never truly get intimate. That takes "loyal to a fault" to a whole new level...as I won't even cheat in my dreams. Why, though? Why now? Why so much, so often?  Why is it so intense? Why is it even happening while I am wide awake? Why, when I know he isn't real, can't I get him out of my head?

I know that I want out of my current relationship, but I don't want to hop into another one right away. I would like at least some time between relationships to be able to refind myself. But this, whatever it is, just feels more intense than just day/night dreams. I have never.... obsessed, I guess is the best word.... this much with ANY of my relationships. And before I "found" myself, I obsessed over a few of them. This feels different than that though. I can't explain it.

Oh well... almost time for supper. Later.

Well, now that I have finally made the decision on what goal I am working for, moving to Montana, I am anxious. I just want to get it done. I know that I have at least 2 years before I can actually do anything about it. I know that I have gotten the ball rolling, but it is moving at a pace that seems to slow to me. I have sent out all that I needed to for the marriage certificate. I have emailed admissions at MSTC so am just waiting for something back from them. We haven't gone to the DMV yet to renew my learners permit and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if we don't go. I know that he says that he wants me to get my license, and I like to think he is telling the truth, but he also knows that I have a better chance to get on my own feet when I have it. We have 3, soon to be 5, working vehicles at this house. As long as I put gas in the vehicle I use, there wouldn't be an issue about my using it. It's easier to borrow someones car than it is someones time.

Dealing with school. I know that I can get grants and loans. I just can't let Thor know about the loans. He doesn't want me going back to school unless I can do it only using grants. He doesn't think my school is worth the debt of student loans. He has some... his school was worth it... but mine isn't. But then again.... my schooling is one more thing that would help me on the path to leaving him. Something I know he doesn't want.

My biggest issue with this relationship are my own feelings. I just don't love him enough to want to stay with him anymore. Yes, sure... I am tired of some of the things he does and says. There are so many times the I pretend to not see him trying to get my attentions just so that I don't have to deal with whatever he wants. I let him use me for sexual release, but I don't get emotionally evolved in it anymore. I just either bob my head or grab the lube so it's easier for him to do whatever. It lasts just long enough for him to get off and I go back to doing whatever it was that he interrupted to get the attention. My own feelings about myself don't help matters either. I have no reason to be healthy right now. I have always enjoyed being outside, doing stuff like biking, walking, and such. But since I am married to someone that would rather spend all his time inside in front of a television or monitor, that is what I do too. I like animals, but since we can't even live in our own place, we don't have any. There is just no reason for me to take care of myself anymore. Why should I when I will never get anything better than what I already have. And believe me, I know that I settled for something less than I wanted. Even when I married him, I knew I settled. But.... I made what I thought was the best decision for myself at that time. And it probably was, but it isn't the best decision now..

I know I will never get him, but I want my cowboy. I want that one that knows hard work, appreciates it when others work just as much as he. I want the one that lets me be me without laughing at me. I want that one that knows that I want to be a housewife but doesn't take it for granted when I am. I want that one that smells of horse, leather and man. I want that one that I want to take care of myself for. I want that one that I am proud to go out in public with. That one that I don't have to smooth the ruffled feathers of others cause he is an asshole in public. (there are exceptions to that though). I want that one that understands, and is willing to go with, when I need to be around others that we like to be with. I want that one that is willing to just cuddle on the couch to a good movie, or doesn't complain when the television has been off for longer than 2 hours. I want that one that excepts ALL my family, even those that can be offensive at times. I want that one that had that awesome cowboy butt (lol).

Yeah.... that's a lot to ask for. I don't think a guy like that lives in my lifetime. He is probably out there.... he's just someone else's catch.

And it isn't that Thor is completely horrible. He is just....Thor. He is offensive to people in public. He doesn't take care of himself cause he feels he doesn't need to. He doesn't like to work harder than typing at a keyboard. He definitely doesn't smell like horse, leather and man. (He's never been on a horse, he doesn't own anything leather, and his B.O. is so horrible that it makes me gag on a regular basis.)
What he does right.... He doesn't complain when I do my arts and crafts. He doesn't complain when I look at other men, sometimes even points them out to me (although he has ulterior motive for that, and I do return the favor by pointing out women with attributes he likes...boobs). He doesn't complain that I have gained more weight than I should have (although he isn't helping my want to get rid of it either).

We get along, like friends. I know that, if I do leave him, after an adjustment time period, we would be friends again. I am friends with most of my exes. Once family, always family.

I just don't want to be married to my friend anymore. I just wish the ball would move a little faster. I hate just sitting here waiting. Well.... I think I have typed enough here tonight. Maybe more later.

Well, I guess I found one of the secrets of getting people to look at your blog. Post half naked pictures of people. I know that 4 views is not all that much for a blog, but it is the most I have gotten so far. What I don't get is where the viewers are coming from. When I check it shows me that most of my audience is from Russia. I don't know anyone in Russia, let alone anyone anywhere outside of the US. No offense, but Russia is not where I am hoping to get viewers from. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Russians.... But I plan on moving to Montana. So it is people from Montana that I would like to be able to get to know. Cause... when I leave here I will be leaving behind everyone I know (other than my youngest daughter). Since I married a man who doesn't like crowds, I have lost my ability to go out and enjoy myself. I learned to be a hermit because that is what he wanted me to be. Before he and I started dating.... shit.. before I dated the one before him (Reaper)... I used to have tons of friends and would always have somewhere to go with someone I liked. I had my first child when I was 18, I still found time (and babysitters) so that I could spend time with friends. Actually... it wasn't Reaper himself that made me choose to change for him... it was the situation I was in. I still hadn't gotten my head on straight. I still believed that a woman was only as good as her man said she was. My father beat that into my head. That a woman's place is walking behind her husband, head down, mouth shut. Only speaks when spoken to and NEVER thinks for herself. I wasn't that bad, never have been. But Looking back on all then men/boys that I have dated.... I always, eventually, just faded into the background. It was only when I was single that I was considered a strong, independent woman. Only when I am single am I the Alpha female that I know I am supposed to be. The funny thing is.... most of the men that I have dated aren't Alphas themselves. The highest any of them would be is Beta. Then again, Coal is my Alpha male. And no one will match up to him. What real person can equal a fantasy? I was with Reaper 5 years before I was able to grow beyond ingrained mental barriers. I am beginning to feel that same anxiety that I had right before I broke it off with, Reaper. I had felt it about 5 years ago, but Thor was able to pretend to change enough for the feeling to go away. Well, it is back again... and I don't think he has the ability to change my mind again. I have lived with him not willing to change, even just the tiniest bit, for to long. If you love someone as much as he says he does me, you are willing to change yourself to help that person grow. I did that for him, for almost 15 years now. But he can't even change enough to take a shower regularly for me. I've altered my whole world to fit him into it. He is still the exact same person I knew 18 years ago, other than the extra 100 lbs he has put on. I know that I am, physically, no nice catch.... but I am willing to change (or to at least try to change) my faults for someone.

What do I want? Well, I am realistic enough to know that looks does matter. If you don't like someone's looks then you can't be attracted to them. My preferred look is tall, dark hair and light eyes. The only one of those three that I have been the most consistent on is height. I have dated redheads, brunettes and even blonds. Dark eye and light eye. But all but a small few have been 5'10" or taller. He has to be open minded, compassionate, loyal, honorable, and respectful. I cannot and do not put up with any form of prejudice... at all. Bigotry, homophobia, sexism, racism and any others that are out there. So any man that has even a small inkling of any of these, will never be a part of my life, even as just a friend. The man would have to deal with my being still being friend with my exes, and my flirting with most, if not all, of my male friends. I am loyal, almost to a fault. (I'm still with a man 5 years after wanting to leave and have only looked at others, never touched.) He has to be able to deal with my family... all of them.... even the ones that I am not blood related to. Some partners, not just mine either, have been chased off by our group just by being ourselves. Well, my time alone has come to an end. Laters

Had to... just couldn't resist. NOT the same man from the previous pic. This is just some random model (I believe) that is pretending to be a cowboy.... but he still looks good enough to eat.