Was actually a bit busy today. Had to go to town and show support for my oldest daughter in her state competitions for Jazz Ensemble and Madrigals. She came back home with us to finally meet the rest of the immediate family. Still needs to meet Thor's oldest daughter, Wemic (the oldests mother), and the Littlest One (my young niece). While she was home she was preoccupied with her boyfriend texting. I guess there was some things going on. I understand what was going on, it's just not my place to say anything. Then, after supper, I had to dye my youngest daughters hair. She had originally asked to dye it purple. I was able to talk her into just dying about 1/4 in of hair around her face. But she had to get her hair cut short. I think she looks better with her hair shorter, plus it is easier for her to take care of during the summer.

Well, Coal and I finally did the dirty in my dreams last night. Surprise.... I guess I can enjoy myself in my dreams. Now if only I could find him, or someone damn close to him, in real life.

No... I gotta remind myself that if I leave the relationship I am in now, that I will need time to find out who I am, who I want to be. To get my head back to where it should, to get my body and health back on the right track. To let my heart heal, cause even though I am the one that will do the leaving, I will still hurt. If I find someone, which I doubt as I am not the catch that Thor wants me to think I am, I won't fight it... but I will try to take is slow. I know that men usually work off visual stimulation the most... and I KNOW that I am NOT visually appealing. I am short, not something that will change except to get shorter when osteoporosis kicks in. I am fat, something that I can change... I just don't have the right environment/stimulation to stick to a physical activity to help get rid of it. I know that if I had animals to take outside, or a garden to work in, or outside activities that I wold enjoy, or even one person that would be willing to just take a walk with me.... I would be able to get back on track with my weight. But Thor, even though he says he wants to walk with me, doesn't truly want to. He is happiest when he is on his butt exercising his fingers on the keyboard. I used to be happiest when I was outside enjoying the company of other people and animals. (gave that up for him, so that he would be more comfortable.) I know that I am ugly, my acne/rosatia is genetic, so I actually have to take medicine for it, just to control it. Just washing my face or watching what I eat doesn't work. I have, what my doctor calls, perpetual staff infection. The way she explained it is, staff is something that everyone has, it is a part of your skin makeup. You get a staff infection when to much of it collects into one area. For me, 90% of my acne are mini staff infections. So I have to take an antibiotic everyday. One of my front teeth is broken, and our insurance is only accepted by very select few dentists. The one that we have easy access to has a two to three year waiting list. We got on the list in 2010, and last time we checked three months ago, they were just getting to people who had been on the list since 2008. Once I can get my tooth fixed, I will be willing to take care of my teeth regularly. I do it now, just not as often as I should.

What I need to do... it find inspiration. Clothes won't work. I may want to get down to at least a size 12, but I don't truly care about how they look on me. Jeans and tshirts/sweatshirts... that is what I wear. I have always had a boot fetish, but even if I do lose weight, I still wouldn't be able to get any as we don't have the money for it. I already have the clothes, they may be in storage but I don't have to buy them. Actually, anything that costs money wouldn't work. We don't have any, so I wouldn't be able to get it anyway. I could use pictures of guys that I find attractive but what would that do? Just make me feel worse and not want to work out cause they wouldn't want me anyway.... even if I do lose weight. I know that if I were working, I would have an easier time losing weight. I would have a reason to leave the house and do something. I would have more people to talk to other than just Thor. I wouldn't be surrounded by his selfish attitude. "If it doesn't do something good for me with a 24 hour period, it isn't worth doing." He likes working out at the gym. I prefer to DO things outside that are not only good exercise but they a productive at the same time. It may be simple things like hanging up laundry, or watering/weeding the garden, play with/walking the dog. But I like doing them with one or two people I enjoy spending time with, not a crowd of strangers that look at you and judge without knowing. So... what do I use for inspiration? There is noone that I WANT to look good for anywhere in my present or near future. There are no pieces of clothing that I dream of having. There is no physical activity, other than a job, that I have to lose weight for to do (and one isn't required to be skinny to work at a good number of jobs.) I need something, just have to figure it out.

Well, I think I will post some "take the right road" inspiration then I am outta here.