Well, now that I have finally made the decision on what goal I am working for, moving to Montana, I am anxious. I just want to get it done. I know that I have at least 2 years before I can actually do anything about it. I know that I have gotten the ball rolling, but it is moving at a pace that seems to slow to me. I have sent out all that I needed to for the marriage certificate. I have emailed admissions at MSTC so am just waiting for something back from them. We haven't gone to the DMV yet to renew my learners permit and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if we don't go. I know that he says that he wants me to get my license, and I like to think he is telling the truth, but he also knows that I have a better chance to get on my own feet when I have it. We have 3, soon to be 5, working vehicles at this house. As long as I put gas in the vehicle I use, there wouldn't be an issue about my using it. It's easier to borrow someones car than it is someones time.

Dealing with school. I know that I can get grants and loans. I just can't let Thor know about the loans. He doesn't want me going back to school unless I can do it only using grants. He doesn't think my school is worth the debt of student loans. He has some... his school was worth it... but mine isn't. But then again.... my schooling is one more thing that would help me on the path to leaving him. Something I know he doesn't want.

My biggest issue with this relationship are my own feelings. I just don't love him enough to want to stay with him anymore. Yes, sure... I am tired of some of the things he does and says. There are so many times the I pretend to not see him trying to get my attentions just so that I don't have to deal with whatever he wants. I let him use me for sexual release, but I don't get emotionally evolved in it anymore. I just either bob my head or grab the lube so it's easier for him to do whatever. It lasts just long enough for him to get off and I go back to doing whatever it was that he interrupted to get the attention. My own feelings about myself don't help matters either. I have no reason to be healthy right now. I have always enjoyed being outside, doing stuff like biking, walking, and such. But since I am married to someone that would rather spend all his time inside in front of a television or monitor, that is what I do too. I like animals, but since we can't even live in our own place, we don't have any. There is just no reason for me to take care of myself anymore. Why should I when I will never get anything better than what I already have. And believe me, I know that I settled for something less than I wanted. Even when I married him, I knew I settled. But.... I made what I thought was the best decision for myself at that time. And it probably was, but it isn't the best decision now..

I know I will never get him, but I want my cowboy. I want that one that knows hard work, appreciates it when others work just as much as he. I want the one that lets me be me without laughing at me. I want that one that knows that I want to be a housewife but doesn't take it for granted when I am. I want that one that smells of horse, leather and man. I want that one that I want to take care of myself for. I want that one that I am proud to go out in public with. That one that I don't have to smooth the ruffled feathers of others cause he is an asshole in public. (there are exceptions to that though). I want that one that understands, and is willing to go with, when I need to be around others that we like to be with. I want that one that is willing to just cuddle on the couch to a good movie, or doesn't complain when the television has been off for longer than 2 hours. I want that one that excepts ALL my family, even those that can be offensive at times. I want that one that had that awesome cowboy butt (lol).

Yeah.... that's a lot to ask for. I don't think a guy like that lives in my lifetime. He is probably out there.... he's just someone else's catch.

And it isn't that Thor is completely horrible. He is just....Thor. He is offensive to people in public. He doesn't take care of himself cause he feels he doesn't need to. He doesn't like to work harder than typing at a keyboard. He definitely doesn't smell like horse, leather and man. (He's never been on a horse, he doesn't own anything leather, and his B.O. is so horrible that it makes me gag on a regular basis.)
What he does right.... He doesn't complain when I do my arts and crafts. He doesn't complain when I look at other men, sometimes even points them out to me (although he has ulterior motive for that, and I do return the favor by pointing out women with attributes he likes...boobs). He doesn't complain that I have gained more weight than I should have (although he isn't helping my want to get rid of it either).

We get along, like friends. I know that, if I do leave him, after an adjustment time period, we would be friends again. I am friends with most of my exes. Once family, always family.

I just don't want to be married to my friend anymore. I just wish the ball would move a little faster. I hate just sitting here waiting. Well.... I think I have typed enough here tonight. Maybe more later.