Not much has changed. Roommate is hoping to move out come the end of June beginning of July. A place up the road is available. I don't think he realizes that it will cost him more in the long run.... since here he only pay half rent and bills and has not bought household items since we moved in. There the rent will be $170 more and the bills would be about $140 more plus what he would need as household items. But he will find out when he moves out. It will be nice not having to pick up after him and his daughter. She is a piece of work... There have been so many times that I wanted to discipline her for something, but he wants her to learn that she can be and do ANYTHING she wants. And I don't mean that she could aspire to be a congresswoman or something like that. But that she can do things like throw her food on the floor cause she doesn't like it then not have to clean it up. That she can ignore the other people that live here and change the channel to something she wants to watch even when someone else is watching something. That she can decide she doesn't want the radio on and just turn it off when others are listening. That, because she says something belongs to her, we all have to give it to her no matter what it is. Yup.... she will turn into a winner as she gets older. No consequences for any of her actions.... especially when it's bad.

So... not much else going on. Still dreaming. Was asked the other day by a friend why I have all these ideas for the yard when I  plan on moving to Montana. I don't think he expected my answer. I told him that I know that Montana is a pipe dream. I may be something I have wanted since I was 18, but I know that this right now is the best I will ever get. I am not worthy of anything more than this. I I still dream, I still hope, but I just know that this is where I will survive the rest of my life. I can not be any more than what I am now cause it is this is what others want me to be. And every time I have attempted to make myself more, better, others have come in and put up roadblocks to detours that take me right back to where THEY want me to be, instead of where I dream to be. Yup.... Not worthy of better. Never have been, never will be. Can't even get the damn $20 to pay for the accuplacer tests. Almost had it, then J decided he wanted to spend $10 of it on a new game he downloaded. When will I get a break and be given the chance to better myself. I know I need to get a job. I know that we need more income. But I also know that I will not be able to get a job without something to back me. And three years of consistent unemployment is NOT it. No driver's license, no degree, been fired from a job that accused me of theft even if they didn't charge me. Even places that were interested when they interviewed me, lost interest when they did reference checks. So.... what am I to do. I can't get a job. I can't pay for school. But I can't just sit here and do nothing. A pile of crap is of more use than I am right now.

Well, enough complaining... Gonna go to bed and hopefully dream of my mates so that I can have some form of happiness in my life.

Later.

I know that my reading all these romance novels aren't helping any, but it makes me wonder.... are there real relationship, both traditional and nontraditional, that are like the ones you read about? Obviously, I know the ones that are set in fantasy worlds don't, at least not in this realm. And depending on who you talk to would depend on if the supernatural ones could be real... I believe they could be, since I DO believe in the possibility of shifters and vampires. But I mean the ones that are set in modern day settings, i.e. New York, Texas, Montana, Wyoming.... place that even if the towns are made up the environment is not. But are there actual people, in my mind mostly men, that actually care for their mates as they do in these stories. I know in my little part of the world they don't. I like to think that there are men out there that care for their partners, no matter what form or how many, as they do in the books. I guess, I just hope that my daughter(s) don't end up in relationship like the one I have. I am pretty sure the older ones won't as they are raised by others so they know that not all men are like the one here. But my youngest... I worry that she will end up like me. In a relationship with a man that is insecure enough with himself that he doesn't want his woman to succeed. I hope that she goes off to college and finds the man or men that will show her that there is more to a relationship than what she sees here. It also make me wish that my mates were real so that I could get her out of this type of environment. But, until I have the means to do things on my own it won't happen.

Well, I am tired so...

Later.

You know that song "Is There Life Out There" by Reba.... Well I feel like that. I've been a mom since I was 18, my choice. I know I could have chosen to give up the kids when I first had them, but I chose to keep them. Didn't work out as I ended up giving them up later on, but I tried. I just couldn't do it. But shortly after giving up my oldest kids, I got pregnant again... the difference is that I told the father that we were going to get married if it happened. I did not want to have another child out of marriage. Seemed like a good choice at the time. And it worked then. But now... I am stuck. Looking back on all my relationships, not just the intimate ones, but all of them. I have always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I have given up foods, thoughts and activities cause someone else didn't want/like or do them. I gave up fruits and vegetables cause one of the guys I dated didn't like them. I gave up fish, potatoes and stayed away from the fruits and veggies cause hubby didn't like them. I stopped spending time with friends, and going dancing cause he doesn't like being around crowds. I stopped doing my crafts cause it spent money he thought would be better spent on other things, like his video games. The only thing I haven't given up is my reading, and that I won't give up cause it is my only reprieve from the life I don't want. I have started to take some of my life back... I have started to incorporate fruits, vegetables and fish into my diet again. I have started to learn some new crafts like tatting and beading. I have been trying to go back to school but he keeps stalling me. I know that if I truly wanted to, I could just do it and he would never be the wiser until I actually started classes, but something keeps me back. Maybe I, myself, am scared of success? Things have been for shit for us for so long that when stuff starts to get better, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I WANT to be more, I just never expect the chance for it to happen. But I have been here, in this type of situation before, and still haven't found a way out. Do I keep sabotaging myself? I know the song says "She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering is there life out there". The thing is, I DO want to leave. I want to find my home. I thought it was with J... and for a while it was. But something happened, something changed, I just don't know what. I don't know if it was me, or him, or just I started seeing things differently. I guess that would mean that I changed. I think it happened in Minneapolis. I have been living with and spending time with people that have known both of us for so long that they have biased opinions when asked for advice. But going up there, staying with people who knew me before the kids, before I was married and had never met him, opened my eyes a bit. I saw the arrogance, the anger, the frustration, the condescension he harbors towards those he sees as against him instead of with him. And it is always someone elses fault... he is never to blame.

Why all this today? Well, I guess I did something that pissed him off so much that he couldn't even look at me. I don't know if he found out about my blog here, or if I said something, or if it was cause I fell back to sleep this morning after he told me something. I don't know. And I don't know if I really care either. I do know that it is solidifying my want to get me license and degree. I need to do something. I am tired of living like this. Always struggling financially, never feeling like I am worthy of the air that I breathe. Always doing things their way instead of my own. Feeling like I need permission to think. But always having to be the one that fixes it all. Having to be the one to make sure the chores are done, the kids feel loved and he is sexually satisfied (whether I want to or not). I just feel... I don't know... run down. I know this feeling won't last long, I have felt like this often in the past 10 years. Even more after having to come back from Minneapolis. But I  am stuck. I can't seem to get out of this god forsaken rut. Something is always more important then my going back to school or the license. But yet, I can't get a job without them. He wants me to get a part time job, at least.... so do I. But I have been out of work now for over 3 years, with no prospects on the horizon. I would think that instead of me sitting here doing nothing but fill out applications for the same jobs each month, I could be productive and work on my degree. Get that and in two years get a job that would make me worthwhile to have around. All but one of the classes are online. So once a week, for the first semester only, I would need to go into town for a 2 two hour class. Is that so horrible that it wouldn't be worth it. Is it so bad that I want to begin to feel like I am accomplishing something again? Is it so wrong that I want to feel proud of doing something that would make me a more complete person? I know that I will NEVER be fully complete since my mates aren't here, but at least I could feel like... I'm more. Like I'm more than just a useless waste of space, that I not good for anything other that easy way to relieve stress. An easy lay. I know it's just a pipe dream, but it's a nice one.

Mates, if you are out there, please hear me. Please answer me. I could really use your strength right now. I would revel in your confidence and wallow in your love. And to feel your acceptance would be heavenly. Then again, all I need to do is go to sleep, cause that is the only place you exist.

Well, I am tired so I think I will leave off here. No use going to sleep as the bed is being occupied at this time, but as soon as he wakes, I can go to bed... so I will see you, my mates, as soon as I close my eyes.

Well, things are starting to get a bit better. Hubby finally got permanent position at the company. So... no more sitting on edge dealing with losing work. With the permanent position comes a raise. Can't get the medical yet as it would cause us to have a decrease in take home pay even after the raise. Maybe in a year or two. I am also hoping that with him getting permanent he won't be so against my going back to school. Of course things have continued to get in the way of my getting my tests taken. I am hoping to do it next month. Gods... please let it happen. I so need to get this done. Not necessarily so that I can prove to hubby that I can make it without him, but to prove to myself that I am worth more than just... this. I want to prove that I can be more than I am. I am a stay at home mom because I can't be anything else right now. It's one of those things that I want to be doing it cause I CHOOSE to, not because I can't be anything else. And right now I don't have a choice. Plus, I still dream about getting out to Montana. Yup, still dreaming. I wish I could stop, cause I KNOW that dreams never come true. But I just can't stop them from happening. My mind takes over for me and conjures them up.

I am also feeling very lonely. I am not alone, since I have V, J, and the roommate here almost constantly. But I have no one to talk to about things. V is 14... and my daughter, so some things just don't get discussed with her. J and the roommate TS know all that goes on in my day, which is nothing, but since they are here constantly there is no reason to discuss things with them that do not deal with household stuff or finances. I tried registering on one of those email pals sites but all I got were guys looking for sex stories. NOT what I want. I truly want someone who wants to talk things out, learn about each other, possibly become friends. Then again.... I keep comparing people (in RL or on the internet) to the men in my dreams, Coal, Ravyn and Nico.

Why? I can't get them out of my head. They are there ALL the time, sleeping or awake. They are so real in my mind that they can't be real in RL, right? I mean... there just can't truly be men like that that exist in our time and dimension. They have GOT to be just figments of my imagination. They are to Alpha to be anything else. Okay... just so you can know what I mean by they are not capable of being real.... All three are tall (Ravyn is 6', Coal is 6' 2" and Nico is 6' 6"), black hair (tint varies cause Ravyn is flat black, Coal has a tint of blue and Nico is a tint of red). Eye color: Ravyn has chocolate brown, Coal is blue, and Nico is silver. In my dreams they all have military experience, but Ravyn and Coal are semi-retired, Nico is still serving. Ravyn is running a ranch and Coal is police (sheriff/deputy). Obviously they are all still fit as they need to be due to chosen professions. They are not blood related, but have chosen the others as their brothers. Spiritually both Ravyn and Coal are wolves and Nico is a demon. Two black wolves and a balrog. It's just.... men like this don't exist in my world. They never have and never will.

All the men in my world are rude, crude, or lazy. I have NEVER lived with a male who helps out around the house unless bribed with sex. I never met a man who didn't expect their woman to pamper them like their mothers did, while working 40 hours jobs AND doing all the housework, along with always being ready to service the man whenever and however they wanted. I received exactly 5 thank yous for all the work I've done and shit I've taken in the past 14 years. Those who do work, are crude and just....eww. I know that I am not worth much myself... I am SFF (short, fat and f-ugly) so this is all that I am worthy of getting. And sadly, I don't think I want to know that men who appreciate and care for their women exist, cause then I would feel even worse since I wouldn't be worthy of having a man/men like that. Having them in my dreams will just have to be enough.

What's even funnier is that all the dreams I have with the three of them in it.... NONE are sexual in nature (unless I consciously make it sexual). There is love and trust. There is contentment and security. There is loyalty and confidence. I am proud of being who I am, and doing what I do. I feel appreciated for what I do, and I enjoy doing it. I don't feel used and neglected. I don't feel useless and worthless. I don't feel like a waste of space. Thinking back on all my relationships with me... no matter intimate or platonic there were only 4 men that made me feel like I was worth something. Larry, Brian, Heath and Ray. My older brothers 4 best friends in school. They all treated me as a little sister. Even after intimate relationships didn't work out. They didn't see me as another useless female. Even rescued me from a disastrous school dance that my "date" decided to bring a second female date with us. I made one call and had 4 "brothers" willing to kick some ass if needed. After school, one went into the military, one found religion and I don't know what happened with the other two. Anyway..

Gonna go dream some more...Later

Feeling irked and frustrated tonight. Don't know why.

Got the stereo from the storage unit into the house today and got the washer that TS found in the house too. Have to test the stereo to make sure it still works, need a needle for the record player and (believe it or not) an cassette for the 8 track player. We have a converter, one that plugs into the 8track player then plays through one of those cassette tapes that are used for care stereos and such. But we don't know if it is the player or the converter that doesn't work.

Actually I think I have an idea of why I am feeling irked.... feeling a bit used. Had to "service" J today so that he could fall asleep. Gotta keep reminding myself that I only have until I get my license and degree. I'm just so tired of feeling used. I know that technically it is my fault cause I let him do it. It's just easier to play along cause right now there is no way that I could make it on my own. I can't even get a job. Dollar General won't even hire me. How pathetic is that?

At least I have my dreams. They are all that keep me sane right now. It's sad that three men that only exist in my dreams are all that keep me going each day. But... they are all I've got right now. Not to put down my kids, but they are all old enough now that they don't need my care 24/7. So, I can now think about what I want and need. What I want are my men, what I need is to get myself back. But as long as I am with J that won't happen. I know he claims to still love me, and I believe he thinks he still does. But I honestly think that he is just comfortable with what we have and is scared of change. He hates going places he has never been to before. So, if I were to leave him, he would be in a place he thought he would never be. On his own. He has ALWAYS had someone to catch him, to make sure his bills were paid, to make sure there was food in his gut. Sure, he works to bring in the income. But he has never had to sit down to figure out the finances. Someone else has always done that for him. UGH.

Well, I am tired. Don't know if it is due to the hauling of big appliances today or because of my mental state (maybe both), but I am going to go lay down and read a bit.

Later.

Beautiful day out today... finally. A bit windy but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Got the yard partly picked up... a lot of the limbs that fell due to the ice storm we had a week or so ago. Talked to the roommate about getting a chain saw to cut up the tree that fell. Free fire wood hehe. Got the clothes line poles stabilized, clothes line tightened and tied off. Roommate found a couple of used washers on the side of the road, so he grabbed G and went to get them. Drain pump doesn't work on one, don't know about the other yet. Will check that one out tomorrow. The one with the drain pump not working, it works enough to wash clothes, just have to keep the washer outside since we have to lay the drain hose down on the ground for it to drain. And G, who is doing a load of laundry tonight, says that the spin cycle didn't force as much water out of the clothes as it should have. Will check that tomorrow. Even if it doesn't completely work, we can now do laundry. We have a wash tub sink in the back room, I was planning on getting clothes line next week so that I could do stuff by hand and be able to hang it up. But now, I just have to sit outside so that I can raise and lower the drain hose when needed. I also got lunch meat sliced up (16 lbs worth) and the hamburger separated  Would have gotten more done outside but had to cook supper. Tomorrow is pizza night so I can do more outdoors. I just hope that J keeps getting OT so that we can start to get things that we need for outside. Like rakes and such.

That's it for now. Might be back on a bit later, but V is wanting attention.

Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.