I want to have a cold... or at least something like one that will plug my nose so well that I can't breath. Why? Well, I mentioned two days ago that he was starting to get a little ripe..... he still hasn't done anything about it. Add to that that he has been eating foods that give him nasty ass and I almost want to sleep outside in 30 degree weather.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I only HAVE to put up with it for another 2 years minimum. I have survived 14 years, I can do two more.... right? Just until I can get my certifications so that I can get a decent job somewhere out west. I hope that I can get a minimum wage job until then so that I can at least get a few hours a week away from him. Sitting in the same room, two feet away from him all day every day is getting to be a bit stifling. It, obviously, was getting stifling before but now it is starting to get on my nerves. I just want out. There has to be something somewhere better than this.

I know.... I always try to remind myself that there are those who are in worse conditions than I am. I at least have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. But then I think "the roof isn't mine, and I can get kicked out at anytime." And I make sure that those that I am living with get fed before I do, since I don't want to cost them more than they are already spending on me for using their water and electricity. And the clothes that I am wearing is either older than my youngest daughter or I have only a couple that fit (1 pair of jeans, and 3 shirts fit comfortably).

I keep having this dream, both waking and sleeping, of just obtaining a simple housekeeping/cooking job for someone somewhere out there. I have a room in the home I am working at but do pay for utilities and such out of my paychecks. Granted.... my boss is a nice looking male but then it wouldn't be worth dreaming if there wasn't something unattainable in it. I know that I could/should be able to find a simple job like that here, but it doesn't have the same feel to it. Of course, dreams are ALWAYS better than real life. I have never considered suicide, that isn't an answer. But I have always wondered if things would have been better for those in my life if I hadn't been born.... you know the "It's a Wonderful Life" thing. I know my kids wouldn't have been born, but I am more curious about the lives of those that are equal to my age or older.

On another note... I found a photographer at Deviantart that has a body almost identical to Coals body in my dreams. I see Coal as being a bit taller and has more hair on his head. I would put his work here, but he does nudes. So, if you don't like that kind of thing, then don't check out his work. If you can handle it, then go here http://mikeysphotos.deviantart.com/ to check his work out. My ultimate favorite piece of his is "Hat, Gloves and Chaps." Mmmhmm yum. Yup..... That is the piece that put his body into my fantasies. I normally don't like pics that show the mans junk, I prefer pieces that are almost naked, as I don't find male (or female) genitals to be all that attractive. But that piece is distant enough that you don't notice the he's nude until you look closer. But putting that male form into the cowboy clothing.... gets my imagination working in xxx. He has a few other pieces that I like, most of them with the cowboy theme to them. Here is one of his non-nude pieces. His work is worth a check, if you can deal with the nudity. He does also do some landscape pieces. Enjoy.

Got an email out to MSTC for information on the certificate programs I am looking into. Also got the application and money out to get our marriage certificate, finally. Going to need that, whether I leave or not. So... now I wait to get my learners permit renewed cause we are running out of money. So I wait til the car is fixed. He, the mechanic has, has already ordered the parts.. which we have paid for. But we will need to pay him for the labor of putting the parts in. We were also, just today, asked to pay one of the monthly bills.... now... that we have already spent all our money. If they had asked two days ago we would have had the money. But today, we don't. Time for my two weekly tv shows.... so I should be back later.

My newest piece. Hope you like.

Alone again for now.

Thor seems to think that I can only go back to school if I only get grants. He doesn't want me to take out any loans. Like I can get enough in just grants to pay for the courses I want to take. Granted, I am only going for certifications, not an actual degree. They don't have how much the certifications cost on the website. I plan on getting a hold of someone this week. Since the car will get fixed on Monday we will have taken care of all required payments. I will be getting my learner's permit taken care of, plus getting our marriage certificate. But those are on the low end of cost.

So.... Things are slowly moving in the direction needed. We will have to wait to see if things keep moving that way. I am certainly going to try. Need to do something. We have been in this boat now for 3years. That is a bit to long to be sitting and waiting for something to happen. And I know that is what he is doing. He's waiting for someone to rescue us. I am tired of waiting. So I am working on getting myself out of this situation. If he comes along for the ride then he will have to do some changing. Especially once I get out on my own. I will NOT allow him to use me like he has been doing in the past. I put my foot down once before (with someone else from my past)... I can do it again. The difference between my relationships with  Reaper and Thor is the marriage. I will have to somehow come up with the money to file for divorce if needed. First things first... need to get a copy of our marriage certificate. I never thought to get one before, so I have to get one now.

Well.... I suppose.

Since I got my desktop I was able to start working on my art again. I haven't done much cause I am working on so many projects at one time that I get preoccupied with one thing and forget about the others. So here is my newest piece. I don't think I will be posting to much of my work here. If you want to see more you will have to go to Deviantart to check them out. I only post pieces I want to sell at Redbubble and Artflakes. Deviantart gets all my pieces, whether they are for sale not.

Later.

I should probably get as much on here as I can before Thor gets home. He had a daughter things to do today. So he left at 10 this morning. I had thought all day to get something up here, but I kept getting sidetracked. So, here I am trying to type as fast as I can, so that I can get something up before he walks through the door.

Yesterday, I happened to mention that I have two years left to try to achieve my goal.... Many years ago, I said that I would be a college graduate and living in Montana by the time I was 40. Well, that's two years away now. When I mentioned that, I looked at Thor and said "Do you want to come with?" He said that he could acclimate to Montana. I don't believe him though. I mentioned that to his brother, Mathias, today. He agrees with me. He also believes that the best things that could ever happen to Thor would be for EVERYONE to "dump" him. Force him to live on his own. Make him have to rely only on himself for clothing, food, housing and living expenses (since he has ALWAYS had someone to help him whenever he was homeless). I even dropped everything to move to AZ so that he would be able to get into an apartment. I should have made him continue living in his car, then he would have been forced to do something for himself for once.

Well... on the bright side, we got our tax returns. Spent most of it already. But I got a new computer and monitor. We will get the car fixed on Monday. The registration and insurance is now paid (6 months for the latter). The storage unit is paid until August. Got V clothes and everyone hair cuts. Thor got a Sony e-reader (I had gotten a Kindle last year.) I got a wacom (art tablet for those who don't know). Once the car is fixed he will get a premium membership for one of his games for a year. And I will get some beading supplies. After that, we will be back to complaining about not having any money. I will also have til October to get some income so that I can cover the next 6 months of car insurance and to purchase my yearly membership to Deviantart.com so that I can keep my art for sale there. I have my art posted for sale at three places: Deviantart.com, Artflakes.com and Redbubble.com. But, of course, no one is buying. Most of what is at Redbubble and Artflakes can be found at Deviant.

I have always been a crafty/artsy person. I just recently got the urge to try beading. I have been doing sewing since I was in high school. Cross stitch for about 5 years. Knotting (bracelets and such) since middle school. Finger weaving (best to look that one up on the internet) for about 3 years now. Drawing since I could hold a pencil. Fractal work for about 2 years. Pixel art.. well I am still learning that one, about 6 months. So now, I want to get into beading. I was able to get one of those cheap beading looms at Walmart. I like the process, I just don't like that specific loom. Bead looming/weaving would be those decorative strips of bead work that you see Native Americans use as decoration for ceremonial clothing and such. So, I am going to try to find a loom that I like then the cheap one will go to V. If she decides she doesn't like it, one of the other girls will get to use it whenever she is visiting me.

Well, I think that will be all for now. Later.

Just some inspiration for myself.

I didn't call MSTC today. More worried about getting our taxes than going to school right now. It has been 10 weeks since we filed. I know that because Thor owes back child support that it takes our taxes 6-8 weeks. That's normal for us. He has owed child support the whole time we have been together. We have always gotten our taxes at the end of the 6th week. But this year we are now into the 10th week. So... what the hell. I know we are getting something back because the amount we get is twice as much as the amount he owes. We are counting on that money to pay the registration on the car, pay for the insurance, get the car fixed, get my learners permit, and get me a working desktop. I will need that for if/when I get back into school. If there is enough left, which I should be able to make sure there is... there should be enough for the admission fee.

I already mentioned to Thor's Mom that if I don't have a job buy the time we get the taxes back that I will be trying to finish my schooling. She agrees with me. I think he, Thor, should also go back... even to just update his out of date courses. The longer you are out of work/school, the more obsolete you become. Since I haven't worked in over 2 years, and the only experience I officially have is convenience store cashier.... well, I am not much to hire right now. He has tech support from 4 years ago and some general labor work at a book binding place just before Xmas. If he goes much longer he will become obsolete too.

But he doesn't think he needs to take any updating classes, that what he knows is more than enough to get him a job... but if that were true then he would be working.

I know what my goal is... I just hope I can make it. I need to keep myself on track. I need to be able to do this, if not for myself, then for V. I know that she has has a better life than some kids out there. She is safe, she has enough to eat, she has a roof over her head and she is warm. She knows she is loved. No one lays a harmful hand on her, but she is emotionally beaten. Not all the time. But there are times when I wish I could say something about some of the things said to her. Why can't I when I am her mother? Well, with the situation we are in.... we (Thor and I) LIVE in a bedroom, while she lives in the living room. Since the living room is in the home of the grandparents, they are subjected to her more. And they have specific ideas on the way children her age are supposed to talk and act. And when she doesn't meet those standards she gets talked down to. I can't say anything cause it IS their home. We all have to live to their standards. That is why Thor and I stay in the bedroom. So that we are not in their way as much as us staying makes us. The problem is, we have been here for 3 years now. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, a couple months. I had gotten a job almost as soon as we got here. But Thor couldn't get any work. And my income alone did not give us enough to get into our own place.... but it was enough to make it comfortable to live here. I think he has reverted to thinking that it is better to live with the parents cause then we don't have to worry about bills and rent. I KNOW that if I were to leave him, he would continue to stay here, not working, until they finally kicked him to the curb. Then he would show up at either his brothers (once he gets his own place), or my (once I get my own place) place looking for a free ride. I'm sorry, I would love to be able to find someone who will let me live off their income without any requirements made of me but to be a body that takes up space in their home. But I sure as hell wouldn't feel good about myself. Who aspires to being a freeloader all their lives?

Anyway... I need to work on myself. I can no longer take responsibility for his actions. I know I shouldn't. He is an ass. Always has been, always will be. I can't even think of all the ruffled feathers I have had to smooth out after he said or did something that pissed people off. I shouldn't have to feel the need to hide my face in public when with him. He won't change. It isn't that he can't, cause he will start to, then he will just say "fuck it" cause it takes to much work. I remember the last time I threatened to leave him. It was because I was working almost full time hours, plus doing ALL the housework (he wouldn't even do a load of laundry for me). And since I work 6 days in a row, then had 7 days off... I would have 6 days of laundry to do, 6 days of dishes (pots, pans, cups, plates, and silverware used by 3 people 3 times a day for 6 days), 6 days of garbage to pick up off the floor and put into a garbage bag, 6 days worth of snow to shovel/grass to mow. Plus I would have to deal with any financial issues that needed to be taken care of. So, I told him he needed to work or leave. For 1 week he did the dishes and laundry. But he stopped because he "never got a thank you for doing it." I haven't gotten a thank you yet for doing all that for him since the day he moved in with me, (which was before we got married). And why should he change... so far he as always had someone willing to feel sorry for him and take care of him. He has NEVER lived on his own. NEVER had to make sure rent/bills were paid. Sure he would give someone some money to help pay for it, but he never had to make the payments himself.

So... I need to stop feeling sorry for him. I need to try to change my way of thinking and do things that will better me, for me and V. I need to stop putting him into the equation. The two times that we moved somewhere out of state and got kicked out, the issues were both dealing with Jason. He did or said something that the person(s) we were staying with were offended by. And since I'm his wife, I got booted too. I think one of the other things I should try to get with the taxes is a copy of our marriage certificate. I never did get one. That way I have it for when/if I want/need to file for divorce. I will have to check into that.

Well, I think it is bedtime...
Later.

And now for something completely different....

Fondest Memories

#1. Grandma
My grandparents were retired. They had purchased a 5th wheeler and would travel the southern states during the winter then park at the Ridges (before it became a gold course) during the summer. The Little Britches Rodeo would also run there. It just happened that the same weekend the my grandpa went north for his annual fishing trip with his buddies was the same weekend that the rodeo was in town. I believe I turned 14 that year. If you've never been to the Ridges, while it still had campgrounds.. I'll give you a basic layout. The rodeo would take place in the front of the property by the road. There is a natural pit that the events would take place in. Then, just north of that, there was a small wooded section that the regular trailer campers would park. Then north of that there was the open camping. That is where the rodeo people would camp with their animals. Well, my grandma decided that I would stay with her for the weekend. So I was sitting outside, waiting for her so that we could go to the first event when this little red Ranger drove by, had two cowboys in the front and three/four in the back. They hollered hello and waved. I, being 14 and shy, just waved. My grandma came out and waved and hollered back. Of course, it being my grandma, I had to hide my face in shame. She slapped me in the shoulder and pointed out that I had people talking to me. We went and watched a couple of events. When we were sitting outside the trailer later, the same truck with the same guys drove by again. My grandma pointed it out to me, of course, as she waved and greeted them again. This happened a couple of times more throughout the rest of the day. Then after supper my grandma decided that she needed to take a walk (or a waddle for those who knew her), I opted to not go with her.  When she came back she had company.... as she claimed she just "happened" across the little red Ranger and invited some of the guys over for a drink. I was so embarrassed that here was my grandma was trying to set me up with a boyfriend/date. The guys eventually left. I then pointed out that I was 14, not ready for a boyfriend and also that the rodeo cowboys weren't from around here so they would only want one thing from me. She conceded my point. So the next day she didn't try to set me up with anyone, but she did proceed to point out all the luscious cowboy  butts that were walking by. Yup, that's what I said. A 60 year old woman was teaching her 14 year old grand-daughter the fine art of butt watching. We would have arguments about who had the best butts...I say it was cowboys, she said it was military men. (but she was biased since she was married to a military man.).  I still have that argument with her in my head. Man... I miss that woman.

Did some research. Getting my license is more doable than I thought it would be. It costs less than half of what I thought it would. Thor agrees with using money from taxes to renew my permit. Then we set aside $50 for the test and license. That doesn't include any additional tests if I fail the first time and have to retake it. But the skills test doesn't cost much, only $15. So that will be easier to cover than I thought it would be.

School is also a bit closer. I had been enrolled at Minnesota School of Business. But I had to drop out due to financial issues. I just went to their site and registered at another site where they keep online access to their students' transcripts. I just hope that the fact that I had to drop out cause of money issues, which caused me to miss some payments to the school itself, that they will still send official transcripts to MSTC. Now all I need to do is talk to someone at Midstate about my choices, ideas and options. I know I am eligible for financial aide. Shit... I have been on food stamps for over three years now and unemployed for over 2 of those years. I think I qualify for financial assistance with school. I just need to either keep the loans quiet from Thor or just tell him to shut it/deal with it. We'll see how talking to the school works out. But once I know what my options are I can go to that site and request transcripts to be sent. I have an unofficial copy, but the school needs an official one. So.... as long as

Small steps, but still steps in the right direction... and done on a weekend even. I think I will try to not worry about it tomorrow. Then on Monday call Midstate. Then it is just a waiting game for the taxes to come in, so that I can pay for the permit and the admission fee for school. If all works out with schooling, I should have all the certifications that I want by 2014. (Three semesters of classes, give or take).

The job situation should start figuring itself out once the school situation is in play. With the classes I have already taken a MSB, as long as the credits transfer there are only about 2 specific classes that I need to take to drop the Associates degree  down to a certification. Once I get that certification, I will be able to state that on my resume and expand my job possibilities to include basic office work, to go along with any cashier and housekeeping jobs that I have tried for. I am sticking to the office environment though. I can't be a nurse/medical assistant due to a neglect conviction 14 years ago. So, I will stick to areas where contact with the patient only happens sporadically, if at all.

I even did a search on Indeed.com (job search engine) for jobs available in Montana. Most of the work is either administrative or medical. So I am aiming for those certificates. If it turns out that I have to give up my dream of moving again... then I at least have employable skills here too, in both medical and office environments.

So.... I have started down the road. Now... to just keep taking those steps to get to the end.

Just placing inspiration pieces for myself.

Later.