I want to have a cold... or at least something like one that will plug my nose so well that I can't breath. Why? Well, I mentioned two days ago that he was starting to get a little ripe..... he still hasn't done anything about it. Add to that that he has been eating foods that give him nasty ass and I almost want to sleep outside in 30 degree weather.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I only HAVE to put up with it for another 2 years minimum. I have survived 14 years, I can do two more.... right? Just until I can get my certifications so that I can get a decent job somewhere out west. I hope that I can get a minimum wage job until then so that I can at least get a few hours a week away from him. Sitting in the same room, two feet away from him all day every day is getting to be a bit stifling. It, obviously, was getting stifling before but now it is starting to get on my nerves. I just want out. There has to be something somewhere better than this.

I know.... I always try to remind myself that there are those who are in worse conditions than I am. I at least have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. But then I think "the roof isn't mine, and I can get kicked out at anytime." And I make sure that those that I am living with get fed before I do, since I don't want to cost them more than they are already spending on me for using their water and electricity. And the clothes that I am wearing is either older than my youngest daughter or I have only a couple that fit (1 pair of jeans, and 3 shirts fit comfortably).

I keep having this dream, both waking and sleeping, of just obtaining a simple housekeeping/cooking job for someone somewhere out there. I have a room in the home I am working at but do pay for utilities and such out of my paychecks. Granted.... my boss is a nice looking male but then it wouldn't be worth dreaming if there wasn't something unattainable in it. I know that I could/should be able to find a simple job like that here, but it doesn't have the same feel to it. Of course, dreams are ALWAYS better than real life. I have never considered suicide, that isn't an answer. But I have always wondered if things would have been better for those in my life if I hadn't been born.... you know the "It's a Wonderful Life" thing. I know my kids wouldn't have been born, but I am more curious about the lives of those that are equal to my age or older.

On another note... I found a photographer at Deviantart that has a body almost identical to Coals body in my dreams. I see Coal as being a bit taller and has more hair on his head. I would put his work here, but he does nudes. So, if you don't like that kind of thing, then don't check out his work. If you can handle it, then go here http://mikeysphotos.deviantart.com/ to check his work out. My ultimate favorite piece of his is "Hat, Gloves and Chaps." Mmmhmm yum. Yup..... That is the piece that put his body into my fantasies. I normally don't like pics that show the mans junk, I prefer pieces that are almost naked, as I don't find male (or female) genitals to be all that attractive. But that piece is distant enough that you don't notice the he's nude until you look closer. But putting that male form into the cowboy clothing.... gets my imagination working in xxx. He has a few other pieces that I like, most of them with the cowboy theme to them. Here is one of his non-nude pieces. His work is worth a check, if you can deal with the nudity. He does also do some landscape pieces. Enjoy.