I didn't call MSTC today. More worried about getting our taxes than going to school right now. It has been 10 weeks since we filed. I know that because Thor owes back child support that it takes our taxes 6-8 weeks. That's normal for us. He has owed child support the whole time we have been together. We have always gotten our taxes at the end of the 6th week. But this year we are now into the 10th week. So... what the hell. I know we are getting something back because the amount we get is twice as much as the amount he owes. We are counting on that money to pay the registration on the car, pay for the insurance, get the car fixed, get my learners permit, and get me a working desktop. I will need that for if/when I get back into school. If there is enough left, which I should be able to make sure there is... there should be enough for the admission fee.

I already mentioned to Thor's Mom that if I don't have a job buy the time we get the taxes back that I will be trying to finish my schooling. She agrees with me. I think he, Thor, should also go back... even to just update his out of date courses. The longer you are out of work/school, the more obsolete you become. Since I haven't worked in over 2 years, and the only experience I officially have is convenience store cashier.... well, I am not much to hire right now. He has tech support from 4 years ago and some general labor work at a book binding place just before Xmas. If he goes much longer he will become obsolete too.

But he doesn't think he needs to take any updating classes, that what he knows is more than enough to get him a job... but if that were true then he would be working.

I know what my goal is... I just hope I can make it. I need to keep myself on track. I need to be able to do this, if not for myself, then for V. I know that she has has a better life than some kids out there. She is safe, she has enough to eat, she has a roof over her head and she is warm. She knows she is loved. No one lays a harmful hand on her, but she is emotionally beaten. Not all the time. But there are times when I wish I could say something about some of the things said to her. Why can't I when I am her mother? Well, with the situation we are in.... we (Thor and I) LIVE in a bedroom, while she lives in the living room. Since the living room is in the home of the grandparents, they are subjected to her more. And they have specific ideas on the way children her age are supposed to talk and act. And when she doesn't meet those standards she gets talked down to. I can't say anything cause it IS their home. We all have to live to their standards. That is why Thor and I stay in the bedroom. So that we are not in their way as much as us staying makes us. The problem is, we have been here for 3 years now. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, a couple months. I had gotten a job almost as soon as we got here. But Thor couldn't get any work. And my income alone did not give us enough to get into our own place.... but it was enough to make it comfortable to live here. I think he has reverted to thinking that it is better to live with the parents cause then we don't have to worry about bills and rent. I KNOW that if I were to leave him, he would continue to stay here, not working, until they finally kicked him to the curb. Then he would show up at either his brothers (once he gets his own place), or my (once I get my own place) place looking for a free ride. I'm sorry, I would love to be able to find someone who will let me live off their income without any requirements made of me but to be a body that takes up space in their home. But I sure as hell wouldn't feel good about myself. Who aspires to being a freeloader all their lives?

Anyway... I need to work on myself. I can no longer take responsibility for his actions. I know I shouldn't. He is an ass. Always has been, always will be. I can't even think of all the ruffled feathers I have had to smooth out after he said or did something that pissed people off. I shouldn't have to feel the need to hide my face in public when with him. He won't change. It isn't that he can't, cause he will start to, then he will just say "fuck it" cause it takes to much work. I remember the last time I threatened to leave him. It was because I was working almost full time hours, plus doing ALL the housework (he wouldn't even do a load of laundry for me). And since I work 6 days in a row, then had 7 days off... I would have 6 days of laundry to do, 6 days of dishes (pots, pans, cups, plates, and silverware used by 3 people 3 times a day for 6 days), 6 days of garbage to pick up off the floor and put into a garbage bag, 6 days worth of snow to shovel/grass to mow. Plus I would have to deal with any financial issues that needed to be taken care of. So, I told him he needed to work or leave. For 1 week he did the dishes and laundry. But he stopped because he "never got a thank you for doing it." I haven't gotten a thank you yet for doing all that for him since the day he moved in with me, (which was before we got married). And why should he change... so far he as always had someone willing to feel sorry for him and take care of him. He has NEVER lived on his own. NEVER had to make sure rent/bills were paid. Sure he would give someone some money to help pay for it, but he never had to make the payments himself.

So... I need to stop feeling sorry for him. I need to try to change my way of thinking and do things that will better me, for me and V. I need to stop putting him into the equation. The two times that we moved somewhere out of state and got kicked out, the issues were both dealing with Jason. He did or said something that the person(s) we were staying with were offended by. And since I'm his wife, I got booted too. I think one of the other things I should try to get with the taxes is a copy of our marriage certificate. I never did get one. That way I have it for when/if I want/need to file for divorce. I will have to check into that.

Well, I think it is bedtime...
Later.