Why is it that all the men I would like to have in my life are fictional? Now, I know that most of the books I have been reading are western themed, and the man I married is as far from a cowboy as a man can get (I have never even SEEN a real cowboy anywhere near where I live). But thinking back on my life, and all the men that have been in it, are nothing like what I actually want in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not REPLACE any of them for they all had a part in making me who I am today. But yet, looking back on it all, they weren't (and aren't) what I truly WANT in my life. I would never stop being friends with all of them as true friendship is hard to find these days, but I have never found true love either. Now I know that Coalfaxx, Nico, and Ravyn all hinder my finding someone that I could truly feel deep feelings for, but I haven't ever truly been IN love with the men in my life. I love them, but not IN love. Maybe I can't feel love. Am I that dead inside that love is an emotion that I can't really feel? Guess I will never know.

Maybe I should stop reading fiction. Then I wouldn't miss what I am not allowed to have or deserve for that matter. I need to be more than worthless to be able to have more in my life.

Still, not much change going on. I got a raise but that was due to the company increasing it base wage throughout the entire chain. We were doing well enough that I wasn't having to struggle to pay the bills but he thought we needed renew a loan that was $20 away from being paid off. So now, the first payment for that loan has bounced cuz we just don't have the money right now. And the little bit I got from the quarterly bonus now needs to pay for a new lawn mower instead of an oil change in the car. AARRGGHH!! No relief. We both had two days off together. Knew about it weeks in advance. So I got all the information we should have needed to start the home loan process together. Then come the day I had set aside for us to go, and he decides he doesn't want to go. If I didn't need his income counted, I would have gone alone. But my income alone isn't enough to get a loan the size we need. I have also had to use all the money that I had set aside for my GED on gas and food. So I have to try to squeeze that out of my ass now too.

Please, cowboy, take me away. Please.

Been a while. I have moved up to full time status, still at Walmart though. So, with the 50 cent raise I got, that puts us over the limit for any financial aid, even medical. So, starting Jan we will have insurance through Walmart as mine is cheaper than his. Plus his won't cover me as I am able to get my own through my own employment.

Still haven't completed what I need for school. MSTC won't accept my HSED. Says it's not real. So, I am considering trying other schools for the degree. Just need to find one that will accept my HSED. We shall see.

Not much else going on.

Giving up on Montana. Dreams like that just don't come true for me. So, why keep dreaming. I will still dream of MT and the guys in my sleep but I know that they will never truly exist in my real world. I will just continue to live what useless life I have and try to raise myself above the level of worthless. Haven't succeeded with that yet but maybe one day I will be worth more than a waste of the air I breathe and space I take up.

Well, I was able to almost finish registering for school. Went to an event they were having that waived all fees. So I have the application submitted, and the accuplacer tests completed. But I found out that my diploma is not a real diploma. So I have to go back and get my GED. Luckily, Walmart, where I work, will reimburse the cost of getting my GED up to $300. It doesn't include the cost of gas to get to and from the school, but it would cover the cost of the tests and any books I might need. So, I need to stick it out there, at Walmart, until I at least get my GED. I have to wait til Sept. to start that though. Cuz at the end of this month one of our monthly debt payments is done. So that will free up a little money. Plus we should be getting a bonus check in Sept. so I was thinking of using that to make the initial payments for the tests. If I can't prepay for the tests then I will have my mother-in-law hold onto the money for me. That way I know it won't get spent. Then I plan on starting actual classes for my degree in January.

I have gotten a hold of Wells Fargo to see about getting a home loan. Found out that I should be able to get a FHA loan but I would need $1715 for a down payment. We won't have that til taxed in Feb. But that is ok. It gives us time to work on our credit scores a bit more. Maybe even try to pay off a few more debts. It will definitely add to what we have already paid on the house.  As of the end of Feb (which is usually when we get our taxes back) we would have knocked the principle down by $6000. And no, that is not counted as a down payment. But if we get the loan for the amount of the full cost, we would have that extra $6000 after paying what is left of the principle to get some of the immediate things fixed up. Like the front door. What I am most concerned about to get done is the floor. Cuz at the same time we might as well get the plumbing done as we don't have a basement or even a crawl space. And in turn we would need to get the bathroom done too as the tub doesn't have a floor underneath it. I had hoped to get the "purchase and renovate" loan that Wells Fargo offers as that would give us the money needed to fix up the place. Nevermind, just rechecked that loan option and there is an FHA version of it. YEAH!

Well, been on here a bit longer than I wanted to. Trying to get Xmas gifts done as I am crocheting them. Later.

Some things changing.

Had a talk with the hubby. Told him what was going on in my head. Told him this is it. THE last chance.

He agreed to let me go back to school. So. I am working on finishing the registration I had started a few years ago. I won't have to repay the admin fee but I do have to pay a $5 re-registration fee... better than the $30 for the initial fee we thought I would have to repay. The background check fee is null and void now. But still have to pay for the $20 placement test fee. But that total of $25 is more doable than the original cost I thought I would have to pay of $65.

He knows that I realize that neither of us can make it alone, financially, right now. He has never done any of the chores required with living on your own (housework, paying bills, etc.). And I don't make enough at my part time job to be able to afford a place of my own. So we have agreed to try to stay on the path of trying to purchase the house we are in. We also agree that if we (if we are still together at that time) both move to MT like I hope to after getting my degree, that we will keep the house. We will use it as a vacation house when we come to visit. Leave the keys with the parents so that others in the family could also use it when needed. We know, and agree on, how we plan to fix the house up. I am aiming at the end of Aug to try for the home loan. There is a monthly debt payment that is done at that time, so it frees up a little bit of money. Another one is finished at the end of Sept.

So.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, right now. Now only if life doesn't get in the way like it always did in the past. Just maybe we will have some relief for short bit of time.

I haven't gotten the css position yet, but the store has put that spot on hold for now. To much movement going on with the upper management.

Still dreaming of the guys. Don't think that will ever stop. I don't think I really want it to. Even though it causes a deep longing inside that will never be fulfilled, they still give me a relief from the reality of my mundane existence.

That's it for now. Til later.

Took the test for css today. Passed it. Now just need to wait to see if I get the open position. The person I will be replacing was well liked so it might take them a bit to actually get to filling it. I am also not the only one that has taken the test. I just happen to be the only one not in school right now. So that leaves my schedule more open than the others. Plus one of the others will be moving to AZ soon.

Finally got a sewing machine. So now I need to get the fabric I need to star making the patterns I have. Have to print them off the computer first. Maybe will be able to get some of our garb done too. Actually I think I will just give up on the SCA. Haven't been able to go to any events for so long that I can't remember how to act anymore. Maybe I can just sell my stuff through someone else that goes more regularly then me. We'll see.

Well I should go to bed. Tired. Later.

Come the end of May, a few things will change for the better. One of bill will be paid off and one of the automatic income deductions will end. Those two things equal an increase of $284 net income a month. Yes, hubby and I have discussed a new bill that we agree on but after initial enrollment fees, will only cost us $80 a month. So, I will have an extra $200 to go towards groceries a month. They say that you are to budget $50 per week per person in your household for groceries (does NOT include household items like toilet paper and dish soap), JUST food. So, that means we should be spending $600 per month for just food. We are lucky to spend $250 a month. So getting that extra $200 will get us that much closer to actually having the amount of food needed to sustain all of us. V gets all she needs, I make sure she eats first. Then I make sure that J gets his portion. I get the leftovers, if there are any. Once you get used to not eating, it is hard to want to start up again. Cause then when we can't afford food again, cause something ALWAYS happens to cause me to not have the money to get what we need, I go through the hurting stage of the hunger pains. Now, I have gotten so used to them that I can easily ignore them. But when I get to be able to eat regularly then have to stop again, it gets annoying to deal with. I have gotten used to only eating 6 times a week, I don't want to break that habit and get used to eating more than that when I KNOW that I will have to get back to it soon enough.

So the new monthly bill is going to be memberships at Adventure 212 for all three of us. J and I get discounted fees through his work. So we will take advantage of it. Means I will need to get a swim suit. V will get a membership too, as there are things there she is interested in. But since I work just a couple blocks from there, I can go after work (if I get off early enough). So my activity will increase dramatically starting in June.

So, there are a few things to look forward to. Still wishing for the guys, but then again, when aren't I.

Time for bed. Later.

Been a while. Not much has changed though. My life is still struggling to keep food on the table and the bill current. No break. Never a break. I don't ever remember a time, since being on my own since 16, when I didn't have to struggle to survive. I would like to be able to breath, to be able to afford food when I wanted to get it without worrying that that money should go to pay a bill instead. Life shouldn't be about giving up food to pay the electric bill. Or putting the gallon of milk back so that you can put gas in the car. Or not getting those fruits and vegetables because if you did then you couldn't pay the medical insurance for that month. I have never gone a month without having to worry about dividing money so that we can pay the bills but only get half the food we need. I am just so tired. I won't give up, cause I am just to damn stubborn to give up. But I would like to be able to enjoy my life instead of wishing it had never happened in the first place.

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think that will ever change. They are my only release, my dreams that is. I know that the guys don't truly exist. They are only figments of my imagination, but they are the only things that have kept me going. I live to dream of them, cause only with them do I feel useful and worthy of life. I have no delusions in this reality... I know how truly worthless and useless I am. The air I breath, the space I take up and the resources that are wasted on me would all be put to much better use if given to someone/thing else. But I will keep trudging on until the Mother calls me back to her embrace. But my dreams, they are what keep me sane. They are what I use to make my life more bearable for myself.

Well, time for bed. I am tired. Later.

I don't know why I am typing here. I don't have anything to update. All is still the same. I just feel the need to be here. And when I get urges like this I try to do them right away.

The need to get to Montana is increasing though. There is just nothing I can do about it though. I just don't have the money to make the move right now. Shit... we don't even have the money to pay the bills AND groceries. Right now it is one OR the other. So the bills are paid, but we have minimum food in the house. And no gas in the car. But then, this is nothing new to me. Have been living like this for so long I don't remember ever having a time when money wasn't an issue. Even at 16 years old, I had to worry about making sure that $400 covered ALL the monthly bills AND bought me food.

Sure, when we get our taxes back I will be able to pay off one or two of the loans that we have monthly payments for, but that will only free up $150 a month. Sure, come August I will have a bit more income due to student loans and such, but it won't be much. I will also be getting my liquor license again with the taxes, which will put me back in line for more hours at work. But it still won't be enough to make a difference.

But the need, just keeps growing. I had hoped to be able to do it by my 40th birthday. Well, that is NOT going to happen. I will not have my degree and the money to move by May. Oh, well. Not like it was going to happen anyway. Nothing I have ever really truly wanted to be able to do has happened. Moving to MT, owning my own home, having my mates at my side. None of it. I should learn to stop wanting such inaccessible things.

Well, gotta cook supper. Later.

Not much to update. Still working, though hours are getting cut now that the Xmas season is done. Hubby is still being a man, and not doing any of the home work. To busy watching his videos to even shovel in front of the mailbox... didn't get our mail for a day or two. I finally noticed and had to do it myself right as I got home from work. He can't do it after work cause he is to tired. Daughter is being a teenager. Not wanting to do her chore. Yup, that is singular. I just ask that she does the dishes on nights that I work. If dishes don't get done, I don't cook when I get home from work. Going to be taking placement tests when I get my taxes back. Need to get that (school) taken care of when we have the money or hubby will find reasons for me to NOT do it. Still have my license, and car. Still dreaming of Montana in a couple years. Still dreaming of Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.

Getting Kole and Ajax on Saturday. Our two new additions to the family. St. Bernard/Collie mix, both boys.

Well, I'm tired so I will sign off.

Later.

Well. Had to scale down some of the Xmas gifts I had wanted to make for people. But that just means that I can make what I wanted to give to them next year. I made out with receiving a buttload of knitting needles and yarn. Don't know what I will use the yarn for, but will keep all of it just in case. It's mostly scraps. Not enough of one color to make a complete project, but plenty of many colors that I might be able to make an ugly blanket. Will see.

Getting a couple of puppies in Feb. Friends dog had a litter a couple of weeks ago. V had gotten over there just in time to see the last one born. We were going to let her keep that one, but it didn't make it. So, we went over there the other day and she picked out another one. The other puppy picked me. We are spiritual enough to know that when an animal picks a human not to mess with it. There is something meant to happen there. So... Ajax and Kole will join our family in late Jan, early Feb. Gives us a month to get necessary items in the house.

Still working at Walmart. Since the Xmas season is now done I will be getting less hours. Was told between 27 and 32 a week. Fine with me. Come August, I am hoping to get into school anyway. So 30 hours will be enough. I am also hoping that we get enough back in taxes that we can pay off two loan payments and the rest of the 6 month payments for the car insurance. Plus to put some towards the down payment on the house so that we might be able to get a home loan. We've been here for over a year now, so we have already paid $2400 towards the principle of the house. With all the calculators out there, and no matter which one I used, estimating the loan payment is about $200 less that the rent/monthly payments we are currently paying. So making the payments isn't the issue... we are doing that now as is. It's the credit scores that causes the issues.

Still have the "new" car. I kissed a tree with it on Thanksgiving, so it was in the shop this past week, but we got it back today. Hopefully the payments will help my credit enough to help with getting that home loan. Need to start looking into assistance for down payments, that might help too.

Am I still dreaming about Montana? Yup. About the guys? Yeppers. In fact, since the accident, my dreams have become more.... realistic... I guess. I remember things being truthful... like my age is exact, my name is the same, how I was raised and the things done to/for/with me are all the same. Usually in dreams something is different, hair color/length, body size, eye color, name, having supernatural powers. But in these, everything is exactly the same about me. But the guys are still there, Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn. They are still what I have always believed them to be, even though I have no proof. What are they? Well, Coalfaxx and Ravyn are wolf shifters and Nico is a demon (balrog). Yes, I believe in the supernatural (and NOT because of the tv show). Have always believed there is more out there than what we know. How can there not be? Cause if we humans are the best there is, then we are in for a very sad ending. Have always known Coalfaxx to be wolf, ever since I first met him in my dreams when I was 17. Ravyn I met about 7 years ago and Nico about 5 years. I think I might have gone over all this before, but my life is actually pretty boring so this is all I have to talk about. Although now that I have my license, I am able to get out more often.... when we can afford the gas that is.

Anyway.... I still feel drawn to Montana. Have been for 22 years. What held me back? Well, I was raised to live my life based on the man in my life at that time. I, as the woman, must eat, sleep, work and think as the man in my life wants me to. It has taken MANY years, but I am finally getting to the point that those ideas no longer run in the forefront of my mind. I still struggle with getting hubby to understand that I want to do this, that I am trying to me my own person... instead of what he wants me to be. He is so used to me being a certain way, simply because I was this way with the man before him too, cause he believes the same things as that previous man. Housekeeping is wife work, raising children is wife work, working outside the house (lawn work) is wife work, having a job to help with finances must also be done. What does he do? He has a job outside the house. That's it. He, as the man, is not required to do anything else. Since that is almost the way my father raised me, it didn't seem wrong when I was younger. The one thing different with my dad was that lawn work was to be done by the man. Mowing the lawn, shoveling/snowblowing the driveway. Any gardens were for the women, though. But now, I am older, have changed in ways that my hubby doesn't like. Want to take my life in a direction he doesn't want to go. And since he doesn't want to go, he is trying to make it hard for me to do so also. But now... I have my own income, I have my license, and technically the new car is mine as it is my name (along with his brothers) on the loan. His name is not listed anywhere on it.

But... I had made goals for myself about 2 years ago. I may be getting them done a lot slower than I originally wanted to, but they are getting done. What is holding me here? Well three things actually. My income alone is not enough to be on my own. Hence wanting to get my degree... which is the second thing. The third is guilt. I feel guilty cause I do not feel for him what he says he feels for me. I know that he would not have it easy in the beginning of being on his own, cause I have enabled his idea of not doing for himself as he should. He has never had to worry about making the bill payments. He would have a job to make the money to pay the bill but he was never the one to actually keep track of what needed to be paid when and how much to make sure carried over to cover the next bill coming up. He's never had to worry about not having food in the house cause I was always the one to make sure it was there. Stuff like that..... I did the work cause it was just easier for me to do it myself when it needed to get done, than to count on him to do it... when he felt like it. He claims to still be in love with me. I know that I love him, but I am not IN love with him. He has always known my heart belongs to another. But at the time, getting married made sense, it felt right. It still feels ok to be living together, but I hate feeling like I am stringing him along. I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. I feel like we are just two friends that have a piece of paper that states we are married. We get along, we are friends. We enjoy each others company. We are best friends. But I just feel like I need to start living MY life, not living the life I was always made to believe was the one I should be living. Just a couple more objectives to obtain and I will feel like I am able to do that. School.... Montana. In that order.

Well, I have rambled on enough. Will sign off for now. Later.

Been a while. Working, and trying to get all the Xmas gifts done. Got a new/used car. Not much else going on. Life is still boring. No excitement. Home, work.... that's about all we can still afford. Had to fix the furnace. Worked Thanksgiving but didn't get holiday pay since I'm still within the 90 day probationary period.

Still hope to go back to school come next school year. Since some of the tax returns will be mine, I will use that to pay any fees needed to complete registration. Still have hopes to move to Montana. But, as long as I still work at Walmart, I can just transfer out there and use that income while looking for something in my chosen field.

Well, I am tired so I will sign off. Later.

Another update on the list again
1. License within 5 months.
renew temps
fix seat
refresh drive experience
take drive test
obtain actual license (10/25/2013
2. Part time job  (10/23/2013)

3. School/degree in 2017
Registration fee
Background check paperwork and fee
Accuplacer test and fee
Class registration
School funding
Obtain degree
4. Move to Montana
obtain job in MT before move
obtain own vehicle
obtain shelter
I also accomplished getting a few things for the house too. I got a "new" used dryer so that I don't have to hang up all the laundry around the house for them to dry. Also was able to purchase a new slicer as our old ones motor is burned out. Was also able to buy myself a new winter coat too, after 6 years of not getting one.

So... have a few things I still need to do today so... later.

Updating the list again

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test (didn't pass)
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job (not permanent yet though)

3. School/degree in 2017

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There is a chance that the registration fee and the background check stuff for school will need to be redone/repaid. Will find out next year when I go to re-register. I just hope there isn't a waiting list now. I did splurge and buy a new printer when I got a job. This week we are getting a "new" used washer and dryer set from the neighbors for $100. Plus I need to pick up some things for the house since the old roommates are finally getting their stuff out of the house. Just some small things of theirs that I need to replace as we don't have them ourselves (can opener, dish rack, bathroom garbage can and the like). 

Well, gotta get working on supper. Later.

Well, I have taken one road test. Failed. Instructor said my driving was fine, but I didn't check my blind spots as often as I need to to pass the test. Have the second test lined up for Friday. So, maybe I will luck out and pass it this time.

Had to weigh myself for some insurance paperwork. Have gained another 30 pounds. I should start to lose some since I am working now. Since we have to park in the back of the parking lot, it takes me 5 minutes just to get from the car to the back room where the time clock is. Since I have to do that 2-4 times a day, that is a 10-20 minute walk plus all the walking from the front of the store, where the checkouts are, to the back, where the break room is. I am also on my feet the whole time (minus the breaks) I am at work. Moving, not walking, but still moving.

Once I go permanent, I will reapply for school. Since I have an income, the hubby can't complain when I use my own money to pay for all the fees. Cause since it has been long enough I will have to repay the admission fee and most likely the background check fee. The paperwork would still be up to date so I shouldn't have to refill that out.

Still planning on moving out to Montana when I can. The license and the degree are in the forefront. But they are more possible now than they were two months ago. In fact, the license is highly probable within the month. The degree (or the start of actually) will probably wait til at the earliest January if not until the beginning of next school year.

The guys are still there. In my head. I know they are just figments of my imagination, but they keep me going. It's sad when I have to make up people to give me a reason to not give up. My children should do that for me. But the "raising" part of being a parent is done, now is the "guiding" time. Anyway...

I think it is bedtime. Have to be up in the morning. Plus the only time I truly get to be myself is when I am asleep... dreaming.

Night.

This is the list that I had started back in March. This is what it looked like on March 24, 2013
1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

So now, it would look like this

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

The school stuff is going to be put on hold until... whenever. Maybe I can get things set up to start with the 2014-2015 school year. Will have to wait to see. But that will mean that I will have to repay the registration fee. I don't think I will have to redo the background check paperwork/fee though. Since nothing would have changed. But will see. 

Road test for my license is scheduled for the end of this week, so that, with luck, will be taken care of at that time. With the license, I will then be able to truly look at getting back into school. Since I would be able to drive myself to classes when needed. 

Right now, I am only temporary. But if I go permanent, then we will look at getting a new car through a local car dealer that offers loan to low income families. Since permanent would make if possible to guaranteeing monthly payments. If I stay temporary, we will just use our tax returns next year to purchase a used car from somewhere like Craigslist or the buyers guide. 

So my to do list is WAY behind schedule but it is getting done. 

Well, gotta go start supper. Later.

Been a while. Not to much going on. Still no school nor a license. Have another chance at a job. Don't think it will pan out though. I have fallen so far that there is just no getting back up for me anymore. I am stuck here, where I don't want to be, for the rest of by forsaken life. I just know it. I still haven't figured out what the hell I did in my past that was so horrible to cause all this bad karma.

The dreams still sit there, in my head. I see them even when awake. I know they are just that, dreams. And dreams of the fallen don't come true.

Yeah... don't think I should go on with this line of thinking right now. So, I will sign off.

Well, the FLE position fell through. I requested a correct edit of the test so that I can go over my mistakes, don't know if I will get it though. So... yeah. Tomorrow I will call KT to see if that is still a possibility since they still haven't called me back. I am thinking not though. If they had really wanted me they would have called back the next day. So, now I know I am even more worthless than I thought. What did I do that was so horrible to cause all this negativity to be in my life? I can't think of anything I did that was so wrong. Sure, I wasn't the best teenager.. dated guys my dad didn't like (but then he was hoping to sell me to the highest bidder), got kicked out of the house at 14 due to my choice of boyfriend. Was homeless for a good year or so, and during that year I did skip a shit ton of school. But then, I was more worried about where I was going to be sleeping that night than making it to school. Was required to move back in with dad at christmas time due to it not looking good to the family if I was homeless in the winter. Moved to MN with my aunt. Did good for a year but then I made bad choices again and he the consequences to deal with again. I know that I made a bunch of bad choices, in both my life and in a bunch of the boys I dated. Always choosing guys that wanted me to be replacements for their mothers but willing to sleep with them. Giving the kids up for adoption was one of the most selfless choices I made but I still got punished for it, as I wasn't able to get back up to Marshfield after the hearing and lost all my stuff, and became homeless due to it. I finally get back up on my feet and I am, again with a man that wants me to care for him like a mother but to sleep with him like a slut. Ended up getting pregnant again, but made this guy marry me. It helped to keep DCFS off my back, but put me in a permanent relationship that I felt trapped in after the first 5 years. Took a chance in '08 that if I had known my felony was a hindrance I wouldn't have taken. Was homeless again after that fell through. Had a job, got accused of stealing, was fired and haven't been able to get a job since. My friend keeps saying that all things happen for a reason, all things are lessons we need to learn. So what the hell is this all teaching me? All I have learned is that my dreams NEVER come true, that I am USELESS and WORTHLESS, that all my good actions have negative consequences to me, that my environment will never get better than living in poverty always wondering where the money to pay the bills will come from, and that my life will have those joyful experiences that make a life actually worth living. If those are the lessons I am to learn... well they have been learned well. I can't get a job cause I am not qualified for anything anymore, I can't go to school cause we can't afford the initial costs to register, and I can't get my license cause we can't afford the gas needed for me to practice. So what good am I?

Well... enough for now. Can't see the screen anymore anyway.

Still not hearing from the possible job position. Gods, I hope one (if not both) come through. I am so tired of sitting on my butt wondering why I am considered unemployable now. I mean, I have worked at three different companies: GBS for two durations one lasting 5 years the other lasting 9 months, KT for 3 years and BQM for 10 months. So I am not a huge hiring risk when looking at a turnover perspective. Two companies are convenience stores and the other is a service (inventory auditing). Since one of the jobs I am waiting on is a convenience store, you would think the almost 4 years worth of experience would be beneficial, even if I have been out of a job for 3 years. The other position is reading through telecommunication, so the fact that I haven't had a primary job that takes me away from the computer should help. Getting both would be best. The convenience store is only 20 hours a week, so I would still have plenty of time to do the FLE work. To the 20 hours would put all the gas in the car we need, and the FLE would pay for all the necessities that his income can't cover. But then, maybe I am just dreaming again. I mean... we haven't had much go right since MN. Him getting hired permanent was the first thing that happened that was in the right direction. But then, as soon as he got permanent our roommate made plans to move out, so our bill doubled right away. Anyway...

I've been torturing myself... reading western romances/erotica. Causing me to dream even more about my cowboys. Heh... that was something that got mentioned on Sunday. Sis and I were talking about my wanting to move to MT. She asked how V felt about it, and I let her know that V only had one question... "what does MT have the WI doesn't?" Sis smiled and answered with me "Cowboys".

Random thought.... wanting to eat some candy means that you have a 'sweet tooth'... so does that mean that when you want to SEE some (eye)candy you have a 'sweet eye'?

Back on track here.....Or maybe not. I don't know... Just here.

I know that I keep typing the same things over and over on here, but when you have a life as boring as mine, what else is there to type about? I only get out of the house (beyond the borders of the property) about 2x a month. And one of those times is to do grocery shopping, the other is to take V to her monthly psyche appointment. So I get out just long enough to see the waiting room at the docs and the grocery store as we shop. I have no friends cause I can't get out to see them, and I have always sucked at keeping in contact by email/letter. I have no important life events to post about on FB so no one sees me there either. So why do I think MT would be any different? Well for 1. I don't see J moving with me, which means I get to be who I want to be not who he thinks I should be. (it isn't him, it's the way I was raised and since I have been this way for so long he just expects it now and he doesn't want to deal with any changes I want to make) and for 2. I have always wanted to be there, dreamt of is since I was 17. Its just nearly impossible to move to a place where you know no one, and have no way to get there. That's why I want to at least get my license before I go, that way I can drive myself there instead of rely on someone else to do it. And I would be able to sleep in my car until I was able to have an income to get a place to live. But.. that is, again, going over things that have already been beaten to death.

I am going to try to find something to do with the restlessness that is crawling through me. It's almost an itch under the skin it is getting so bad. I just want something good to happen, just so that I know that it isn't all just useless. I already know how worthless I am, but being useless at the same time is just to much. Again, beating an already dead horse.

I am just gonna go now. Later.

Having a blah night. What I want to do I can't cause I don't have the right stuff. I have recently learned how to tatt and crochet. I have patterns that I have found that I feel would work for xmas gifts for family and close friends. And I have a ton to do between now and then, but I don't have the right yarn. Granted, a friend of mine has received her mothers stash of yarn so will go through it and give me what she doesn't want/need. But that doesn't mean that she has what I need for the patterns. 

J got his raise. Only $.20 worth. But it was just a 3 month review. He will have a 6 month review in Nov. Hopefully that one will get him a bigger raise. We will see.

I haven't heard back from either KT or Samhain yet. Still have a week for Samhain though. Will send her something on Monday if I don't hear from her before then. 

I'm trying to get back on track with my exercising and such. Since I have my calorie intake down to about 600 per day, if I increase my activity level I should start to see a weight drop. Just doing simple things like walking a couple miles, a simple yoga routine and an interval exercise set. Once school starts we will probably quit doing the walk. Or do the walk but not the exercise set until winter blows in. 

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think those will ever stop until they are in my life. And since I don't expect that to ever happen, I will settle with just having them in my dreams. Yes, I will continue to hope and pray that the come into my life, but I just know that it will never happen. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I have not done what I need to do to have them with me. I don't know what it is, if I did I would do it in an instant. Even if I can only have one of them... it would hurt my heart for that to happen, but my soul is dying without having any of them. I wouldn't be able to pick between them, so they would have to do that. I know.... keep dreaming dumbass.

So.... yeah... blah.

Picture by Stefan Brenner