Alone again for now.

Thor seems to think that I can only go back to school if I only get grants. He doesn't want me to take out any loans. Like I can get enough in just grants to pay for the courses I want to take. Granted, I am only going for certifications, not an actual degree. They don't have how much the certifications cost on the website. I plan on getting a hold of someone this week. Since the car will get fixed on Monday we will have taken care of all required payments. I will be getting my learner's permit taken care of, plus getting our marriage certificate. But those are on the low end of cost.

So.... Things are slowly moving in the direction needed. We will have to wait to see if things keep moving that way. I am certainly going to try. Need to do something. We have been in this boat now for 3years. That is a bit to long to be sitting and waiting for something to happen. And I know that is what he is doing. He's waiting for someone to rescue us. I am tired of waiting. So I am working on getting myself out of this situation. If he comes along for the ride then he will have to do some changing. Especially once I get out on my own. I will NOT allow him to use me like he has been doing in the past. I put my foot down once before (with someone else from my past)... I can do it again. The difference between my relationships with  Reaper and Thor is the marriage. I will have to somehow come up with the money to file for divorce if needed. First things first... need to get a copy of our marriage certificate. I never thought to get one before, so I have to get one now.

Well.... I suppose.

Since I got my desktop I was able to start working on my art again. I haven't done much cause I am working on so many projects at one time that I get preoccupied with one thing and forget about the others. So here is my newest piece. I don't think I will be posting to much of my work here. If you want to see more you will have to go to Deviantart to check them out. I only post pieces I want to sell at Redbubble and Artflakes. Deviantart gets all my pieces, whether they are for sale not.

Later.

I should probably get as much on here as I can before Thor gets home. He had a daughter things to do today. So he left at 10 this morning. I had thought all day to get something up here, but I kept getting sidetracked. So, here I am trying to type as fast as I can, so that I can get something up before he walks through the door.

Yesterday, I happened to mention that I have two years left to try to achieve my goal.... Many years ago, I said that I would be a college graduate and living in Montana by the time I was 40. Well, that's two years away now. When I mentioned that, I looked at Thor and said "Do you want to come with?" He said that he could acclimate to Montana. I don't believe him though. I mentioned that to his brother, Mathias, today. He agrees with me. He also believes that the best things that could ever happen to Thor would be for EVERYONE to "dump" him. Force him to live on his own. Make him have to rely only on himself for clothing, food, housing and living expenses (since he has ALWAYS had someone to help him whenever he was homeless). I even dropped everything to move to AZ so that he would be able to get into an apartment. I should have made him continue living in his car, then he would have been forced to do something for himself for once.

Well... on the bright side, we got our tax returns. Spent most of it already. But I got a new computer and monitor. We will get the car fixed on Monday. The registration and insurance is now paid (6 months for the latter). The storage unit is paid until August. Got V clothes and everyone hair cuts. Thor got a Sony e-reader (I had gotten a Kindle last year.) I got a wacom (art tablet for those who don't know). Once the car is fixed he will get a premium membership for one of his games for a year. And I will get some beading supplies. After that, we will be back to complaining about not having any money. I will also have til October to get some income so that I can cover the next 6 months of car insurance and to purchase my yearly membership to Deviantart.com so that I can keep my art for sale there. I have my art posted for sale at three places: Deviantart.com, Artflakes.com and Redbubble.com. But, of course, no one is buying. Most of what is at Redbubble and Artflakes can be found at Deviant.

I have always been a crafty/artsy person. I just recently got the urge to try beading. I have been doing sewing since I was in high school. Cross stitch for about 5 years. Knotting (bracelets and such) since middle school. Finger weaving (best to look that one up on the internet) for about 3 years now. Drawing since I could hold a pencil. Fractal work for about 2 years. Pixel art.. well I am still learning that one, about 6 months. So now, I want to get into beading. I was able to get one of those cheap beading looms at Walmart. I like the process, I just don't like that specific loom. Bead looming/weaving would be those decorative strips of bead work that you see Native Americans use as decoration for ceremonial clothing and such. So, I am going to try to find a loom that I like then the cheap one will go to V. If she decides she doesn't like it, one of the other girls will get to use it whenever she is visiting me.

Well, I think that will be all for now. Later.

Just some inspiration for myself.

I didn't call MSTC today. More worried about getting our taxes than going to school right now. It has been 10 weeks since we filed. I know that because Thor owes back child support that it takes our taxes 6-8 weeks. That's normal for us. He has owed child support the whole time we have been together. We have always gotten our taxes at the end of the 6th week. But this year we are now into the 10th week. So... what the hell. I know we are getting something back because the amount we get is twice as much as the amount he owes. We are counting on that money to pay the registration on the car, pay for the insurance, get the car fixed, get my learners permit, and get me a working desktop. I will need that for if/when I get back into school. If there is enough left, which I should be able to make sure there is... there should be enough for the admission fee.

I already mentioned to Thor's Mom that if I don't have a job buy the time we get the taxes back that I will be trying to finish my schooling. She agrees with me. I think he, Thor, should also go back... even to just update his out of date courses. The longer you are out of work/school, the more obsolete you become. Since I haven't worked in over 2 years, and the only experience I officially have is convenience store cashier.... well, I am not much to hire right now. He has tech support from 4 years ago and some general labor work at a book binding place just before Xmas. If he goes much longer he will become obsolete too.

But he doesn't think he needs to take any updating classes, that what he knows is more than enough to get him a job... but if that were true then he would be working.

I know what my goal is... I just hope I can make it. I need to keep myself on track. I need to be able to do this, if not for myself, then for V. I know that she has has a better life than some kids out there. She is safe, she has enough to eat, she has a roof over her head and she is warm. She knows she is loved. No one lays a harmful hand on her, but she is emotionally beaten. Not all the time. But there are times when I wish I could say something about some of the things said to her. Why can't I when I am her mother? Well, with the situation we are in.... we (Thor and I) LIVE in a bedroom, while she lives in the living room. Since the living room is in the home of the grandparents, they are subjected to her more. And they have specific ideas on the way children her age are supposed to talk and act. And when she doesn't meet those standards she gets talked down to. I can't say anything cause it IS their home. We all have to live to their standards. That is why Thor and I stay in the bedroom. So that we are not in their way as much as us staying makes us. The problem is, we have been here for 3 years now. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, a couple months. I had gotten a job almost as soon as we got here. But Thor couldn't get any work. And my income alone did not give us enough to get into our own place.... but it was enough to make it comfortable to live here. I think he has reverted to thinking that it is better to live with the parents cause then we don't have to worry about bills and rent. I KNOW that if I were to leave him, he would continue to stay here, not working, until they finally kicked him to the curb. Then he would show up at either his brothers (once he gets his own place), or my (once I get my own place) place looking for a free ride. I'm sorry, I would love to be able to find someone who will let me live off their income without any requirements made of me but to be a body that takes up space in their home. But I sure as hell wouldn't feel good about myself. Who aspires to being a freeloader all their lives?

Anyway... I need to work on myself. I can no longer take responsibility for his actions. I know I shouldn't. He is an ass. Always has been, always will be. I can't even think of all the ruffled feathers I have had to smooth out after he said or did something that pissed people off. I shouldn't have to feel the need to hide my face in public when with him. He won't change. It isn't that he can't, cause he will start to, then he will just say "fuck it" cause it takes to much work. I remember the last time I threatened to leave him. It was because I was working almost full time hours, plus doing ALL the housework (he wouldn't even do a load of laundry for me). And since I work 6 days in a row, then had 7 days off... I would have 6 days of laundry to do, 6 days of dishes (pots, pans, cups, plates, and silverware used by 3 people 3 times a day for 6 days), 6 days of garbage to pick up off the floor and put into a garbage bag, 6 days worth of snow to shovel/grass to mow. Plus I would have to deal with any financial issues that needed to be taken care of. So, I told him he needed to work or leave. For 1 week he did the dishes and laundry. But he stopped because he "never got a thank you for doing it." I haven't gotten a thank you yet for doing all that for him since the day he moved in with me, (which was before we got married). And why should he change... so far he as always had someone willing to feel sorry for him and take care of him. He has NEVER lived on his own. NEVER had to make sure rent/bills were paid. Sure he would give someone some money to help pay for it, but he never had to make the payments himself.

So... I need to stop feeling sorry for him. I need to try to change my way of thinking and do things that will better me, for me and V. I need to stop putting him into the equation. The two times that we moved somewhere out of state and got kicked out, the issues were both dealing with Jason. He did or said something that the person(s) we were staying with were offended by. And since I'm his wife, I got booted too. I think one of the other things I should try to get with the taxes is a copy of our marriage certificate. I never did get one. That way I have it for when/if I want/need to file for divorce. I will have to check into that.

Well, I think it is bedtime...
Later.

And now for something completely different....

Fondest Memories

#1. Grandma
My grandparents were retired. They had purchased a 5th wheeler and would travel the southern states during the winter then park at the Ridges (before it became a gold course) during the summer. The Little Britches Rodeo would also run there. It just happened that the same weekend the my grandpa went north for his annual fishing trip with his buddies was the same weekend that the rodeo was in town. I believe I turned 14 that year. If you've never been to the Ridges, while it still had campgrounds.. I'll give you a basic layout. The rodeo would take place in the front of the property by the road. There is a natural pit that the events would take place in. Then, just north of that, there was a small wooded section that the regular trailer campers would park. Then north of that there was the open camping. That is where the rodeo people would camp with their animals. Well, my grandma decided that I would stay with her for the weekend. So I was sitting outside, waiting for her so that we could go to the first event when this little red Ranger drove by, had two cowboys in the front and three/four in the back. They hollered hello and waved. I, being 14 and shy, just waved. My grandma came out and waved and hollered back. Of course, it being my grandma, I had to hide my face in shame. She slapped me in the shoulder and pointed out that I had people talking to me. We went and watched a couple of events. When we were sitting outside the trailer later, the same truck with the same guys drove by again. My grandma pointed it out to me, of course, as she waved and greeted them again. This happened a couple of times more throughout the rest of the day. Then after supper my grandma decided that she needed to take a walk (or a waddle for those who knew her), I opted to not go with her.  When she came back she had company.... as she claimed she just "happened" across the little red Ranger and invited some of the guys over for a drink. I was so embarrassed that here was my grandma was trying to set me up with a boyfriend/date. The guys eventually left. I then pointed out that I was 14, not ready for a boyfriend and also that the rodeo cowboys weren't from around here so they would only want one thing from me. She conceded my point. So the next day she didn't try to set me up with anyone, but she did proceed to point out all the luscious cowboy  butts that were walking by. Yup, that's what I said. A 60 year old woman was teaching her 14 year old grand-daughter the fine art of butt watching. We would have arguments about who had the best butts...I say it was cowboys, she said it was military men. (but she was biased since she was married to a military man.).  I still have that argument with her in my head. Man... I miss that woman.

Did some research. Getting my license is more doable than I thought it would be. It costs less than half of what I thought it would. Thor agrees with using money from taxes to renew my permit. Then we set aside $50 for the test and license. That doesn't include any additional tests if I fail the first time and have to retake it. But the skills test doesn't cost much, only $15. So that will be easier to cover than I thought it would be.

School is also a bit closer. I had been enrolled at Minnesota School of Business. But I had to drop out due to financial issues. I just went to their site and registered at another site where they keep online access to their students' transcripts. I just hope that the fact that I had to drop out cause of money issues, which caused me to miss some payments to the school itself, that they will still send official transcripts to MSTC. Now all I need to do is talk to someone at Midstate about my choices, ideas and options. I know I am eligible for financial aide. Shit... I have been on food stamps for over three years now and unemployed for over 2 of those years. I think I qualify for financial assistance with school. I just need to either keep the loans quiet from Thor or just tell him to shut it/deal with it. We'll see how talking to the school works out. But once I know what my options are I can go to that site and request transcripts to be sent. I have an unofficial copy, but the school needs an official one. So.... as long as

Small steps, but still steps in the right direction... and done on a weekend even. I think I will try to not worry about it tomorrow. Then on Monday call Midstate. Then it is just a waiting game for the taxes to come in, so that I can pay for the permit and the admission fee for school. If all works out with schooling, I should have all the certifications that I want by 2014. (Three semesters of classes, give or take).

The job situation should start figuring itself out once the school situation is in play. With the classes I have already taken a MSB, as long as the credits transfer there are only about 2 specific classes that I need to take to drop the Associates degree  down to a certification. Once I get that certification, I will be able to state that on my resume and expand my job possibilities to include basic office work, to go along with any cashier and housekeeping jobs that I have tried for. I am sticking to the office environment though. I can't be a nurse/medical assistant due to a neglect conviction 14 years ago. So, I will stick to areas where contact with the patient only happens sporadically, if at all.

I even did a search on Indeed.com (job search engine) for jobs available in Montana. Most of the work is either administrative or medical. So I am aiming for those certificates. If it turns out that I have to give up my dream of moving again... then I at least have employable skills here too, in both medical and office environments.

So.... I have started down the road. Now... to just keep taking those steps to get to the end.

Just placing inspiration pieces for myself.

Later.

I guess I do have friends... they are just hiding in the woodwork, but jumped out at me last night and today.

I have come to a definitive answer. I am going to be moving. I don't know where other than out of the state of Wisconsin. I am going to aim for my dream of somewhere in Montana, but I will have to wait to see where I end up.

I have things I need to do first. I am not going to just up and leave. I have family I need to think of first. And I don't mean Hubby (will call him Thor for now.. it was his CB handle). I'm talking about V (daughter). What I do affects her too. So, I need to make a list of things needed to get or get done before I make this big change. These are not listed in any specific order, I am just writing down what I think I need to do for this to succeed.

1. License. I never got it. Had my learners permit for a while a few years ago, but never got the money to take the test.
2. Finish school. I started while in Mnpls. Had to drop out due to financial issues. I had already thought to do this... transfer my credits to the local tech college, drop the associates degree down to a certification, and take a few classes (like simple bookkeeping, and medical coding/billing) to round out the office stuff I already have.
3. Open my own bank accounts. Right now everything is either joint (both checking and savings) or he knows how to access it (my Paypal account). 
4. Figure out if Thor wants to be apart of the move or not. I don't know for sure if I want to/will leave the relationship. At this point I don't want to make that decision because I don't know how he will be once out of this environment. (more about this later).
5. Obtain employment. I am torn about doing this before the move. Do I really want to find a job that I may only keep for a few weeks. But then, this could take a few years before being completed.  So... And I have had so many rejections from employers that I am beginning to believe that I am not employable. (more about this later, too.)
6. Obtain housing. Same issue as with employment. Do I want to do this before the out of state move, even if I only have it for a few weeks?

Continuing with number 4. My issues with Thor are things that he can change... IF he chooses to. He just never wanted to, and I never gave him a reason too. He doesn't do housework, I haven't been with a man who does. He wouldn't do yardwork unless I started doing it myself.. then he would step in and help. (but I had to start it first). Even when I was working two jobs, I still had to come home and do all the housework. Now... we are living with his parents, and he is seeing his parents from an adults point of view. He doesn't like what he sees when he looks at his father. (who does the same things.... leaves ALL the work for the woman while he still has absolute say in all things... meaning his way or the highway.) He keeps asking me if he is/was that bad. I can't lie... he honestly is NOT as bad as his father, but he is bad enough. Since he doesn't like what he sees, he might be willing to change... once we get out of this situation. He might choose not to move with me, since I want to leave the state and he doesn't. I don't think he will ever want to leave Central Wisconsin again. Both of his attempts (AZ and MN) did not turn out well. Once I get to the point of looking to leave I will discuss it with him.

Continuing with number 5. I was working at a gas station, they accused me of stealing state lottery. They aren't pursuing any legal action as long as I never set foot on their property again.  And as far as I know that state isn't pursuing anything either, if they even know about it. I would assume that I would have heard something by now if I was in any trouble. But I believe that whenever a potential employer calls them for employment confirmation (I do let the interviewer know the situation I have with the owners so they know I don't want it used as a reference, but they still need to check to make sure that I am not lying about being employed there) that they say more than they are supposed to. I don't have proof, I can't just call them up and pretend to be someone I'm not (it's illegal too) and see if they are doing that. But I do know that they can not tell a potential employer things like "don't hire her, she's a thief" or other things along that lines. The most they are legally allowed to say is "we will not hire her back." I BELIEVE they are doing the first one though. I just can't get proof. Any potential employer is not allowed to tell me what past employers said.. if it is bad enough to stop them from giving me the job. So finding employment has been impossible for me lately. I was even turned down for a housekeeping job. How can a person not be qualified for a housekeeping job?

So, I know that I have come to a decision. My goal is to move out of this god forsaken state. With or without Thor remains to be seen.

This will have to be my inspiration. I know that there are beautiful places in WI. I haven't seen them, but I know they exist. But this place doesn't feel like home anymore. I know I have said it before, that home is supposed to be where family is... and I have lots of family here that love and support me. But Home is also supposed to be the place you feel at your best, the place that you can go to and feel welcome (even when there is nobody there). Home is where you can go out on the back porch and be amazed and contented to see what is there. Home is where you look about you and think to yourself "I can't believe this is all mine." I haven't felt that, ever, while in WI. When I went to live with Thor in AZ for those 9 months... I almost felt it. I was closer. What I missed was the green, trees waving in the wind above my head and the grass tickling my feet as I walk across it. I felt the most settled when in Scottsdale, AZ. So I can deduce that it was the proximity to the mountains that worked for me. Since I know that I want green, that leaves me with Montana, Wyoming, Utah. Colorado, Idaho, Oregon, Washington, and parts of Nevada. That at least narrows down the original list from 18 to 8. I will work out where the closer I get to actually being able to make the move.

Now to figure out the importance of each listed item so that I know what order to work on them. I know that many things can be done at the same time, like school and work (if I can even find work). I just need to stop listening to Thor when it comes to school. He doesn't want me to go if I have to use student loans. He doesn't want to add to our mountain of debt. But how can I go to school if I don't use the loans? I can't afford it and there is no way that I can get enough money from grants to cover it.

I guess it is time for some research.... Be back later.

BTW... if anyone has any suggestions or options that I might be able to use, please feel free to comment. I am willing to listen to all ideas. Even if they won't/don't work for me I will still appreciate them.

   

I think I asked this before, but how does one go about moving to a different state when there is little to no money involved? If I know HOW, then I would be more willing to do initial searches for work. I know that Hubby won't want to move to where I want to go, but then.... I don't really care right now. I am just so frustrated at not have a job (or ANY income at all). We are so broke that I can't even get my daughter her monthly necessities. What places are hiring around here aren't hiring me. I don't know how many times I have applied to the local Walmart, Shopko, Copps, and other general cashier and housekeeping jobs. I mentioned to hubby, a few months ago about trying to find work in Wausau. A larger town only about 1 hour or so from home, but he firmly stated that he will NOT move to Wausau. AARRGGHH!! I want out. I need out. But the trap door and walls are made with a material so thick and hard that I can't even fathom finding a way out.

I don't even have a computer large enough to be able to use my artistic release. I recently started creating fractals and reading tutorials for pixel art. My ID pic is one of my pieces. But I am currently using a small netbook that we had gotten for our daughter, since she doesn't need much. But it's CPU and graphics are not strong enough to use the programs that I use. I have a link to the places that I have placed my art for both viewing and purchase. Not that any of it is actually worthy of buying. (yup, artists are usually their own worst critics... I am one of them).

Back on topic....I MIGHT be able to find a way to get there. Since I don't have a license, I would have to find someone who would be willing to take me. Maybe if I can find a job, and am able to get there, I could stay at a homeless shelter until I was able to find a place. I don't know. I am just grasping at straws here. Figments of my imagination that are fathoms in my dreams. And since it is proven, to me, that dreams cannot and do not come true, then I am swiftly deteriorating into a mental state that no one should be in.

I am gonna go before I throw myself deeper into this... whatever I am in.

Later.

I am alone, for a short bit at least. He had to go pick up one of his other girls. It's his weekend to have her.

I guess I was put in my place earlier today. We, he and I, were talking about something and I guess I walked over him. I wasn't looking at him and he had made one of those pauses that makes you think that the person is done talking. So I stated something, and he made the comment of "well, I guess I won't make a statement then." So.... in other words, don't speak until given permission to do so.

This is the type of view that I wish I could see out my front/back door.

Or maybe this....

Or even this...

But all I see when I walk out of the house is a plain church to the north, a house to the east, a bar to the south and a house to the west. This is where I should insert the Dixie Chicks singing "Cowboy Take Me Away."

If you have an awesome view of Mother Nature when you step out onto your front/back porch/door.... take a picture of it and post it here for me. Please. Especially those in Montana (that dream/want doesn't seem to be leaving me fast enough). Maybe I can get my fix if I have enough on my computer to dream about/with.

I am going to sign off for now. Later.

Okay. I know that whomever is actually wasting their time reading these is wondering one question....why Montana? I have no clue. All I know is that when asked to name the one place that I would want to live I answer with one of two place: Ireland and Montana. I have Irish blood running in my veins, so that would explain Ireland. But I never understood Montana. I still don't. As I have stated before, I have never been there. I don't even know anyone who has just driven through it just to get to the other side. I have never been to Ireland either, but the ancestry is there so there is at least something connecting me to it. So why do I have such an affinity to Montana? I wish I knew. Maybe I lived there in a past life. Maybe that is where I am supposed to be, or am supposed to go. Is there something, or someone, there that I am supposed to connect with? I know that I have never been drawn to Bozeman or Helena. It is the ranges, both the plains and the mountains, that has drawn me. Would I still feel this...this intense ?need? if I were there? Would I finally feel like I was home? I know many would state that home is where the heart is. But my heart is in a place that doesn't exist right now. I didn't feel like I was home when I went back to Minneapolis, not like I thought it would. I felt better than I do here. But it wasn't home anymore. And it had nothing to do with who we were living with. They still felt like family to me. They welcomed us with open arms and smiles. I still love them like the family they have become to me. But it just wasn't home to me. I have always known that Rapids is not the place I want to live, I knew that back in elementary school. But central Wisconsin is a black hole. Once here it doesn't want to let you go. If you don't get away fast and far enough it sucks you back in.

You will also notice that I complain alot about Hubby. I don't have much else to complain about, but that is besides the point. I do want to note that I have my faults too. Who doesn't? First and foremost, I am what I call SF&U... Short, Fat and Ugly. I am only 5'4" but I am over 200 lbs. Acne is genetic for me. No matter what I eat (or don't eat) or I wash with (no matter how many times in a day) I am bombarded with pimples.I have rosatia. That red tinting around the nose and cheeks. I am nearsighted and have bad oral hygene. I haven't lost all my teeth yet but one of my front teeth is broken. I don't have the money or the insurance to get it fixed. I am currently unemployed, though looking. I have given birth to 4 kids, all from different fathers. My oldest was born a month after my 18th birthday. I dislike most of my father's side of the family, and I despised my fathers wife (she it NOT my mother, just someone who married my father about 20 years ago). I don't see my brother or my mom's side of the family as much as I should. I love all animals (except insects) and I dislike most humans. I believe in a version of an eye for an eye. I believe that if you are caught beating an animal, a person smaller than you, or one who cannot defend themselves that you need to be beaten just as that animal/person you hurt. If you get caught hold dog fight, then you need to be thrown into a fighting ring and made to fight for your life. I know that these views are not politically correct, but I don't care. That is another fault of mine. I am not, in any way, politically correct. I am color blind in the aspect that I don't see a person as their skin color (black, white, yellow orange, purple whatever). I wait to judge a person by their actions and how they treat others. I severely dislike anyone who is bigoted, homophobic, sexist, racist, and any other prejudice there is. Some would believe that my being Pagan is a fault. I do not. I am stubborn, but when I start reverting back to how I was raised I become submissive. Not in a good way either. I have come a long way in removing that influence, but some things bring it back to the fore front, like being surrounded by men who don't/won't do housework cause there are women to take care of it. Other faults.... I can easily become a hermit. I become easily immersed in listening to music or reading a book. I have selective hearing. Truthfully. Not just the normal kind that women have, you know.... the one that women only hear what they want... (but then, men have that too). I mean that if you are standing behind me and talk to me... if I don't consciously know that you are talking to me, I can't hear you. I have been conditioned since I was 4 years old to read lips. I have been doing it for so long that it now affects my hearing. If I can't see your lips, I don't hear your words. All my friends know this, so they forgive me if I talk over them, which has happened more times than I like. I also have issues in places where there is a lot of outside noise. Like near running water or in a car with the radio on. I really can't hear you then, so I rely specifically on reading your lips to know what you are saying. I have actually come into the habit that if I am in the back seat, and the radio is on, I don't even pay any attention to ANY of the conversations going on.... I can't hear them anyway. Now a police/fire/ambulance siren I can hear from 5-10 miles away, in the middle of a blizzard with headphones (with music playing) on. And when I get into a good book......OMG do not interrupt me, if you can get my attention in the first place that is. I like crafts (some view that as a fault). I am interested in beading, cross stitch, sewing, gardening, camping, SCA (society of creative anachronism), SciFi/Fantasy stuff, roleplaying games (both paper and online), fractal art, movies, books, art, museums, zoos, and a shitload of other stuff that some would fault while others would applaud. And unless I start getting into how I was raised and some of my more confusing aspects of my personality, that would be about all.

As you might assume, Tory Blackwolffe is not my real name. I want to try to keep this separate from all those online places that carry the more mundane stuff about the real me. Here, the blog is all real, but the name is not. All those other place the name may be real, but most of the other stuff is just what I want others to see/hear. I want them to THINK it is the real me. Some of it is real. Some is false. But only those who know me best would be able to tell the difference. If you are able to connect who I am on here with who I am out there, more power to you. It is not a challenge. Obviously, since I am trying to keep hope alive, IF Coal is real and is somehow/someway reading this... well you will figure out what you need to do. If a prospective employer in a state other than any of the places that I wouldn't consider moving to is unbelievably reading this, you would have the resources to find me.

I think I will leave it at that for now. Later.

I am just sitting here thinking about not being able to find a job... would I have better luck if I were to try in a different state? And if I did, how would I move there? We tried Minneapolis, but our timing was horrible. We got there the month the recession started. We got kicked out cause the people we were staying with didn't like Hubby. I was told that if I wanted to try again, just me and Daughter, they would be willing to help out. But I don't think I could go there again. I mean, I have no problems visiting there. But that dream died when we left. Living out of Wisconsin, well that dream is still alive. I know there are some places that I will never consider moving to but there are so many other places that are available. Obviously Montana is top of the list, but there are others too. Where won't I go? New York City... no way no how. The bible belt... I am too open minded plus being Pagan doesn't mix well there. California... come on, we all know it's gonna fall off and I don't want to be there when it does. Florida... Just doesn't appeal to me. And finally Alaska... just to damn cold for me. So that leaves the Northern midwest (ND, SD, NE, KS, IA, MO, IL, IN, MI, OH) and the Mountain plains (MT, ID, WY, NV, UT, CO, NM, AZ). I'd consider the New England area and Washington state. But again... how do I go about getting there. I would want a job before I make the move. But to get the job I need to be there for interview and to find a home. So... how is it done? Anyone know? If so, tell me. So that maybe I can start moving down whatever road I am supposed to go down. I have 5 years convenience store experience, but my last employer fired me cause they accused me of theft. They haven't charged me but I believe, that whenever a place calls them for reference checks, they are telling the prospective employers that I am a thief and to not hire me. I know that is illegal, but I also can't prove that that is what they are doing. About 20 years ago, I have housekeeping experience, at a hotel. I have been a mother for just shy of 20 years. That includes the ones that I gave up for adoption since I did attempt to be a parent, I just didn't succeed. So I gave them to families that I thought would be more successful. My youngest is 13, so that counts. What experience does that give me? Well, I can cook, clean, keep my patience and I know how to handle temper tantrums and teenage angst. I have been married for 14 years to someone who has never needed to clean up after himself his whole life. It take him weeks of working up to breaking down cardboard boxes. This game be experience in even more patience when dealing with difficult people. All my cooking has always been for more than what is there. Hubby take enough to feed 3 people and Daughter has inherited his appetite. Brother also has a large appetite, so I know how to cook for many. But I have no formal training in cooking. So, I would only be able to do it in a home-like setting. Essentially, I would make a good housewife. I just want a place where I don't HAVE to do EVERYTHING because the ones that I live with are lazy. I can, and do, pull my own weight, I just hate feeling like I am the only one who does it because the video games are more important. Anyway... that's a different thing. I do have some schooling in Business Administration. Wasn't able to finish school cause I had no income. So I can prepare certain paperwork, can do basic accounting, and know how to use MS Word and Excel. I am pretty sure that putting this info here is not a good idea. It isn't like anyone who is looking for a living housekeeper will read this... but I guess hope never dies.

My dream job? Well, if I start with my BIG dream... it would be my own ranch. But that I KNOW will never happen, so working on someone elses would work. But since I have neither formal training or practical experience, I would be almost useless until I learn the ropes, especially if needed to do things outside the house that deals with the larger animals. I CAN ride, although I haven't been on a horse in 20 years. I CAN shovel shit, feed and water horses and know basic grooming and saddling of them. I have never bridled one... the place I went to wouldn't allow the students to bridle their horses due to the possible chance of ruining the mouth. I know the technicalities of it, just have never done it. Yup, I was on of those girls whose dream was horses. I just lived in an area that didn't allow them, and once my uncle agreed to let me keep it at his farm, my father thought it would use up to much of his alcohol money. So, instead of my own horse, I got 1 week of horse camp a year.

I also have wanted to start a foster home/kennel for large breed dogs. But that wouldn't be a paying job since it would be mostly volunteer work since it would be a nonprofit thing.

I also have also always wanted to do my own apothecary/magical items type thing. That is best done online, but I have no room for the garden needed to grow all the ingredients, nor do I have the income to ship in what I can't grow.

I have all these wants, needs and wishes but no outlet to even conceive of ways to bring them to fruition. Hubby has also given up on his dream. A computer business of his own, building and fixing computers. He went, and finished, school for it. But he couldn't get the alphabet behind his name (the tests that one takes to get certifications for certain programs lie C++ and such). He also hasn't kept himself up to date with classes at things with technology have progressed. Can't afford it.

Well, I think that will be it for now. Maybe more later.

Doing this while he is sitting next to me at his computer. I don't know if I will be able to do much, but I am going to try. I think since I am also going through my music, he might assume that that is what I am doing.

I don't even know what I want to write (or is it type, now) about. I don't have a life, so I don't have to much to complain about. I don't have a job, so I can't complain about to many (pr to few) hours and not enough pay. I don't have my license or a car, so I can't complain about gas prices or other drivers. My marriage (even though I may not want to be in it anymore) is actually ok. We were friends for to many hours before we married, that all it is is a piece of paper. We don't fight (other than play fighting and a little snipping) and we don't hate each other.

So then you wonder why I don't want to be in the marriage anymore. Well, it is just that I don't feel like I can make the changes that I want to make while still stuck in the same old ruts. He knows that I am typing this, he has looked over, so I expect he will try to look for it and read it. He might succeed, he might not. I don't know. Maybe it is time for me to just suck it up and tell him the truth. I just don't have the basic necessities taken care of for me to have anywhere to go. The Merc isn't even in my name, so I wouldn't be able to take it to sleep in. And even then, I can't legally drive it. I may be able to drive, I have successfully driven without an accident, it just isn't legal for me to do so. So... where would I go? No friends or family to stay with. Daughter would be able to stay here with Grandma and Papa. So that I wouldn't worry about.

Anyway... to finish off why I just don't want to be in the marriage. It isn't that I don't love him, I do. I am just not IN love with him. And yes, there is a difference. Love is unconditional... I love my daughter, I love my parents, I love my friends (the ones that I still have), I love music, etc. To be IN love it must be felt to the soul, it must encompass your heart and mind. It is that feeling of not being able to live without the person the feeling includes. I don't feel that for him, he knows that, but it is starting to wear me down. I still continue to do the wife's job... I clean for him, I remind him to take care of his personal hygiene, I let him have sex whenever he wants (yes that means that I just lube up and let him do his thing). But I just.... I don't feel like ME anymore. I am what HE wants me to be, or as close as I can get. I can't be as into, or enthusiastic, about sex as I was 15 years ago and he doesn't like that. But I am just no longer sexually attracted to him, or me for that matter. (Yes, I meant that. If I can't get into taking care of myself, then how can I get into taking care of him.) I feel like whenever I try to make a change in my life, he laughs at me. He says he isn't, but it still feels like it. And also, since HE doesn't want to make the change then I can't because his wants and needs HAVE to come first..

Ok, gotta go.... later.

You know it is REALLY sad when you do a random search on the internet and end up find a piece of your dream. I was doing a search for Montana, just to get some pics. Like I mentioned  in previous blog, Montana has always been the BIG dream of mine. I always wanted about 1800 acres of land, with the ranch house and barns so that I could have the breeding horses with a small amount of cattle just to help offset costs. Like I also said previously, I may have ideas and dreams, but that doesn't mean that I have any practical experience... so I might be just talking out of my ass. But anyway...during this random search, I actually found the parcel of land that was in my dreams. It may not have all the buildings that I dreamt about but the house and the creek are right, so are the mountains. But it is so far out of my reality that I should just stop dreaming. I NEED a job, I NEED a safe place to raise my kids (even though they don't live with me on a regular basis, I count the step kids as mine too). I NEED to just continue to live my life for the sake of the others. I need to stop dreaming, all it does is make me feel inadequate. Makes the life that I do have not worth living. But ohhh... to be able to live even a small part of a dream. I don't even need my own place out there anymore. Just to be able to live there, do the housework at someone elses place.... but to still be surrounded by all that earth and sky. To be able to walk outside, sit on a porch swing and watch the sun set with over the range or behind the mountains... that would feel like... well, I don't know what it would feel like cause I have never felt it before. I know that that is an unachievable dream, but I don't think I will ever be able to give it up. Just like I dream about Coal.... even while awake. To have even one of my dreams to happen (and work out for the best) would be awesome. Not going to happen, so.... anyway. I don't even know anyone that lives in Montana. Shit, I don't even know anyone who has visited the state. I can't even think of anyone that has even just driven through it. Then again. I haven't been anywhere. I have lived in Wisconsin most of my life and I have never been to Chicago. I lived in Minneapolis for about 2 years or so, but that is it. Never lived anywhere else. I may have been to Milwaukee for Brewers games, Bucks games and a few Miller 500s... and we took a "family" vacation in the Caribbean when I was about 13 (one of those 5 day cruises) but I spent most of my time on the ship cause it wasn't a cruise geared for teenagers. They had stuff for those under 11 and over 18 but nothing for those in between. That's it. That is the extent of my traveling. No Mall of America, no aquarium, no mountains, no canyons. OOOHH I forgot that we lived in Arizona for about 9 months. But I never saw anything other than the apartment complex and the Tempe mall.

It doesn't help that I want to do all these things, like go to museums and art galleries (things that are admission free) and Hubby wants nothing to do with it. So, since he doesn't want to, I can't.

Well, I think I need to go to bed. Have to be up in a couple hours to get the kids off to school. I get to go back to bed, usually do cause there is no reason for me to stay up. But I still have to interrupt my sleep since Hubby doesn't feel that it is his job to make sure that the daughter gets to school each day.

And before I get going onto another rant about being married to someone I don't want to be with anymore but have no way to leave, I will sign off.

Later.

I actually get to do this without having to worry, to much, about him seeing it. He is gone for the moment, went somewhere with his brother. Don't know when he will be back. I should probably be doing a job search, but I can do that when he is home... So I will get to that in a bit. Not like it is helping anyway. Being unemployed for over 2 years makes it hard to get employed again. I am thinking I am going to have to find some money and try to finish getting my degree. I think I will drop it down though. I had started getting a Business Administration degree in Mnpls because up there there is a decent call for them. In this area there is more call for medical degrees. I know that I wouldn't do go as a medical assistant or a nurse, but hospitals/clinics have offices that need people too. So I think I might try for coding/billing, or transcription. Maybe both, that way I get even more employable... maybe get a simple certificate in basic accounting too. Round out my used to be degree to a certificate in office assistant. I just need to be able to take all the classes online, since I don't have a reliable way to get to and from school right now. I need to figure out something. I can't get on with my life if there is nothing to live for.

My ultimate dream.... other than Coal.... used to be a ranch in Montana. Since I know that isn't going to happen, I want about 20 acres where I can build a home, a dog kennel and a small stable. I have it all draw out in my head. I want the kennel so that I can foster large breed dogs (German Shephards, Dobermans, Pitt Bulls, etc.) I wouldn't take any small dogs... Why? The way I see it, any small dog in a humane shelter has a much larger chance to get adopted than a large breed dog. No person walks into a shelter, look at a Pug and thinks, "that dog will hurt my children". But they do think that of large breed dogs. Since my kids would be involved in the rehabilitation of any dog that would come through our kennel, any prospective adopters would know that the animal is safe with kids. The small stable would only hold up to 4 horses, at least one of which would be mine. But if I have a minimum of 20 acres then I would have the room to foster a few horses too. I already have the "slave" labor (a few kids, a brother in law and a friend) that would assist me if I needed it. I would work in conjunction with the area humane shelters. And being the animal lover that I am, I would also be willing to take in any aged dog that just needs a loving home to spend his/her last few years with.

Even with the decrease in size of my dream, it still includes Coal. I know that I am adding to much fantasy to a possible reality, but I just can't stop myself. But then, why would a cowboy what to live in Wisconsin. Then again... maybe my kennel doesn't need to be in Wisconsin. I just don't see a definitive chance to move out of the state happening, again, and working.

I tried that already. Quit a job, moved my family up to Mnpls, (cause it was a dream of mine) but then the recession hit and we couldn't get work. We didn't know that our 12 and 14 year old felonies would hinder our search for work and apartment. Got kicked out of the house we were staying at 9 months after moving there. I know that if I got another chance to move out of state that I would have to be convinced that the job was secure and we had a safe place to live until we got our own. And I don't think I would be able to make Hubby go with. He likes living with his parents... he doesn't have to worry about anything but sitting at his computer and pretending to look for work. Honestly, I don't know it I would want him to move with me, again. So the we would be me and my youngest child, at least. Depending on where I was, I might have my oldest two wanting to stay with me, too.

I get annoyed with him just wanting to talk to me. He has always been a touchy feely person, and 5 years ago I was fine with it. But I just don't feel it for him anymore. I love him, like I love the fathers of my other children, but I don't love him like someone who is married to him should. I know that I would continue to be his friend... I am friends with most of my exes. I just am so frustrated with being his wife. I don't think that it is just our living arrangements either. I had started feeling this way before the move to Mnpls. I had hoped that the mover would revitalize my feelings for him. But it didn't. I am just wanting to find a way out, that will cause the least amount of hurt feelings, so that I can continue on with where I want my life to go. I just need the means to do that. A job, a safe place to live, a license/car (if my job is to far from home to walk).

And even though I know it will NEVER happen, I still dream about that ranch in Montana. I have for almost 20 years. I even know that the house and stables look like. I live there in my dreams, actually. I don't have the kennel, but I do have a bunch of dogs. I have the stables full of breeding mares and stallions. I also have a smaller stable for the working horses that are used to maintain the small herd of cattle that we use for a supplemental income. Sad things is.. no matter how much I dream about it, it will not happen. It can't. I may not be a big city girl, I may have been raised near (and sometimes on) a dairy farm. I do know how to ride, even though I haven't been on a horse since I was 16. But I have no training or practical experience in working with horses or cattle. I may have all these ideas running around in my head but it is all based on a dream home, not a real one. Movies and books may be able to teach the basics, but it doesn't account much for physical experience. I can shovel shit (right now, I might not even be able to do that), but I can't train the animal. I have an affinity to animals, but that doesn't mean they always listen to me. I can do housework, but what does that do to help with the work outside the home? Anyway.... I shouldn't be stinking about this, since it just doesn't exist in my life.

Well, I better go. Later.

We had company today. Relative from south came up for Easter. I hid in the bedroom. I know that the inlaws prefer her company to mine, so when she is here, I try to disappear. They were hoping that she would be the one that Hubby married. They never had to say that to my face, I just know. It is in the things they don't say to me but do say to her. The funny thing, even if I do leave him, I don't think he will go back to her. And I don't think that she will take him back. Then again, I have been wrong with so many things in my life that I am probably wrong with that too.

Nothing else is going on. It's not like I have a life worth living. I sleep, get up, sit at the computer, read a book, go to sleep, and get up the next day to do the same thing all over again. Even a part time job would be nice, it would break the monotony of doing nothing. It would go a long way towards helping me feel like I am worth the air that I breath. I hate having to eat, and sleep, and all the other bodily functions when I can't afford to pay for all the things I use to do these things. I eat more than I am worth. I use the toilet more than I can afford to. I have to shower, so there is more water that is wasted on me.

I just wish something would happen soon. Something that would help me get out of this hole that I seem to keep digging myself into.

Tired. Time to go.

Most days I wish my life was a dream. Cause then I might be able to wake up to a life that is much better than what I have now. I love my kids, so I would want them to be the same. But there is the idea of being married to someone I love intensely that seems nice.

I know it's sad that I am deeply in love with a man that exists only in my dreams, but he is in them EVERY night. I dream of him so much that the dreams almost feel like memories. I know exactly what he looks like, how he smells and how his touch feels. "Long tall drink of sexy cowboy" I read that somewhere recently and it fits Coal exactly. Yup, he even has a name. Coalfaxx. 6'4", black hair, blue eyes. Smells like leather, horse and man. Makes me shiver just thinking about him. No, he isn't from some romance that I read, although he sounds like he should be. I don't even remember how I came to be dreaming about him. I just know that once he started entering my dreams he never left.

One of the good things about my marriage to Hubby... we knew each other for so long, as friends, before we married that he knew my heart belonged to another. He knew that if by some diving miracle Coal was a living person, that I would most likely follow my heart to be with Coal. We agree that even if divorce happens that we will be able to continue being friends, of course after a short time of separation so that hurt feelings can even out.

There are so many things that I would love to do, but have no way to do them. Like own a new car, or a home. To be able to pay my bills on time cause I actually have the money to pay them. To be able to afford giving the kids allowances, or to pay them for their chores and good grades. To have the time to spend with friends... or to have friends to spend time with. To be able to go to a movie at a theater. Obviously some of these things I have already been able to do, but haven't for a long time. I have given up on so many dreams that I don't think I have any anymore. I always had a dream of owning a large horse breeding ranch in Montana. Now I would settle for a few acres of land and a horse or two. Not that I know anything about ranching. I may have helped out at my uncle dairy farm but that is nothing like a large ranch. But.. since is will never happen I never have to worry about it. I no longer have to worry about ever having the horse either. I can't even get a job so I obviously will never get anything else.

Supposedly, the job market is on the rise. But I don't see it. Since I have be unemployed now for just over 2 years, I seem to continue to be unemployable. I want to try to get something, a certificate or a degree, to make myself more employable again. But that takes money that I don't have. And my hubby has a degree and he isn't able to find anything. Although his degree is PC networking and he hasn't been able to get the alphabet tests to enhance his degree. Nor has he been able to update his degree with new classes.

I just wish... well, wishes don't come true so I guess I shouldn't say that. I keep trying to remind myself that there are those out there that are worse off than I am. Those in the streets, no warm place to keep them, no food to nourish them.  I may be jobless and homeless, but I at least have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. It may not be my own roof, but it is there.

You know what is really sad. I have lived in central Wisconsin most my life, and I have never been to Chicago. I lived in Minneapolis for a short time. So I know what city life is like. And I have found that I need to live one of the two extremes. I either need to live in a BIG city, like Minneapolis. OR live in the country where the nearest neighbor is a few miles away.. so that I can have my animals (dogs and horses). This small town living just doesn't work for me. I know that if I were to have the place in the country that I would most likely need to use the nearest small town for purchases... and that is fine. But I want to be able to have more that 2 dogs. And some small towns don't allow horses at all. You need to be outside the town limits to have animals like that.

Well, my mind is all over the place tonight, hunh. I guess that happens when a person doesn't have anything to do, and no one to do it with.

Later.

Sorry, had to go quickly. Hubby came into the room while I was typing. He doesn't know how I am feeling. Has no clue, that I know of. But I don't want to cause any more issues than what we already have with staying at his parents house. They have already told me that they will stand with me when I make the choice to leave him. So I don't have to worry about that... it's the fact that there are more of us staying here that there is room for. My daughter is already sleeping on the couch. Brother-in-law is in the basement. Mom and Dad in one bedroom, hubby and I in the other. There is no room for me if I were to break it off now. I NEED to have a job and at least a place of my own before I can do that. The sad thing... I is my fault that we are in this situation in the first place. We both had decent full time jobs, 3.5 years ago. But I received an offer to move back home..only to do so we had to quit our jobs and move out of state. Just as we moved, the recession hit. We weren't able to find jobs where we moved to, and were becoming a burden on the family we were living with so they asked us to leave. The only place to go was back to the in-laws. So here we are, almost 4 years later, still no work, no home, no car, living on the good graces of others. I had a job, but was accused of theft... and since I have no qualifications to work anywhere other than convenience stores.. the accusation now makes me unemployable. I have the support to make the break, I just don't have the means.

The one thing that keeps plaguing me though... my step daughters. They both have expressed interest in living with us.... when we get into our own place. One of them is in a stable home environment and doesn't really need the security we would be able to offer. But the other one... her home life is shaky. The issue.... Hubby wouldn't be able to get placement of her unless I stay with him. I realize that there is a slim chance that her mom would still allow her to live with me, but she wouldn't get the child support then. And I believe the children always need to be put first. Her needs outweigh my own. But then emotional abuse that my youngest is getting isn't good either. It is sad that the situation I am in is more stable than the one the other child is in.

Why do I want to leave him? Many things. All of them small, but putting all of them together is big. The biggest reason is his attitude towards the kids. He has all girls. Beautiful girls... but they are still girls. He wanted a son really bad. Brother-in-law has an adopted son.... who gets better treatment than the daughters. Everyone sees it. Especially the youngest. She sees how he interacts with the nephew and wonders why he is more special than she is. The other daughters don't see it cause they don't live with us.

Then there is the issue of simple personal care. I states that it is my job to let him know when he needs to shower. I was raised that you shower at least every other day, whether you needed it or not. If he needs to be reminded to shower cause he can't smell his own stink..there is something wrong there. He wasn't this bad when we were first married. He is to the point that he showers maybe once a week if I am lucky. I may not be showering every other day right now due to not wanting to be more of a burden than I already am.... but I am showering more often than once a week. And I have had three showers since his last one. That means that he hasn't had a shower in about 10 days. And he had BAD body odor when he was taking regular showers.

He also comes from a family that believes that the men don't need to do housework... of ANY kind. I was raised in a house where the female did the inside housework (dishes, laundry, etc.) but the male did the outside work (mowing, shoveling, etc.). He comes from home that the woman did EVERYTHING around the house, plus work a job. The man worked a job.... nothing else. As soon as the dad was home, it was his right to do nothing as it was his house. Now....hubby isn't as bad as his Dad. But it takes me starting to do his appointed chores before he will get up to do them himself, usually  couple of weeks after they should have been.

I know that part of this issue is that he had NEVER lived on his own. He went from his parents to living with his girlfriend, who was paying for everything. Then he moved back in with his parents. Then finally moved in with me, who was paying for everything. He may be giving me money to pay the bills with but he never actually paid for them himself. He never looked for an apartment for himself. Never had bills in his name that he was obligated to pay for on a regular basis. Never had to care for someone other than himself. Never had to clean up after himself. He was always able to leave it go cause there was someone else to take care of it for him. I honestly don't believe he is capable of living on his own. He may claim he is, but he has never actually done it before. I don't think he has a real comprehension of how much work it is to do it one your own.... with no one to fall back on when you screw up.

I think that is enough for now. I might be back on later. We will see. Still trying to do this without his knowing. Still trying to get thoughts in order. I guess this is my way of trying to do that.

Later.

Ok. Since this is my first blog here, I will try to keep from venting to much. That is pretty much what I would use my previous blog for. Venting, that is.

I am in a relationship that I no longer wish to be in. But I do not have the means to leave. I have been married for about 15 years. Have one child with my husband but I do have other from other relationships. It isn't that I don't love him... cause I still do. I have never be IN love with him. The man that I am IN love with doesn't exist... never has. But my husband new that before we were married. We had been friends for quite a few years before we married. We new at the time that we married that we were only doing for the piece of paper to make sure that our daughter wasn't born out of wedlock. All of my other kids were, and I wanted to stop the circle from making another round. So we married. I have been faithful, unless you count my dreams. I have been cheated on in my past and never liked the feeling. So I new that I would never cheat on the one that I was with. So, I have been faithful to him for the past 15 years, and will continue to be until I am able to completely break the relationship off.

Why not now? Well, I have no job, no drivers license, no car, no place to live. We are staying at his parents house (have been for the past three years now). I have never gotten my license cause something else always comes up that is more important than paying for the test. And since I got terminated from my last job 2 years ago, I seem to be unemployable. I was accused of theft that I didn't do... and the store did not press charges, but I still cannot seem to find employment. Even at place that aren't retail establishments, like a motel as a housekeeper. I have one child living with me, two that are old enough to be on their own, but I would like to be able to offer them a safe place to stay if they need it.. and two step children that I would like to be able to do that with too. So I NEED a job and a place to live that is within walking distance before I can tell him that I do not wish to live with him.

Gotta go.