I actually get to do this without having to worry, to much, about him seeing it. He is gone for the moment, went somewhere with his brother. Don't know when he will be back. I should probably be doing a job search, but I can do that when he is home... So I will get to that in a bit. Not like it is helping anyway. Being unemployed for over 2 years makes it hard to get employed again. I am thinking I am going to have to find some money and try to finish getting my degree. I think I will drop it down though. I had started getting a Business Administration degree in Mnpls because up there there is a decent call for them. In this area there is more call for medical degrees. I know that I wouldn't do go as a medical assistant or a nurse, but hospitals/clinics have offices that need people too. So I think I might try for coding/billing, or transcription. Maybe both, that way I get even more employable... maybe get a simple certificate in basic accounting too. Round out my used to be degree to a certificate in office assistant. I just need to be able to take all the classes online, since I don't have a reliable way to get to and from school right now. I need to figure out something. I can't get on with my life if there is nothing to live for.

My ultimate dream.... other than Coal.... used to be a ranch in Montana. Since I know that isn't going to happen, I want about 20 acres where I can build a home, a dog kennel and a small stable. I have it all draw out in my head. I want the kennel so that I can foster large breed dogs (German Shephards, Dobermans, Pitt Bulls, etc.) I wouldn't take any small dogs... Why? The way I see it, any small dog in a humane shelter has a much larger chance to get adopted than a large breed dog. No person walks into a shelter, look at a Pug and thinks, "that dog will hurt my children". But they do think that of large breed dogs. Since my kids would be involved in the rehabilitation of any dog that would come through our kennel, any prospective adopters would know that the animal is safe with kids. The small stable would only hold up to 4 horses, at least one of which would be mine. But if I have a minimum of 20 acres then I would have the room to foster a few horses too. I already have the "slave" labor (a few kids, a brother in law and a friend) that would assist me if I needed it. I would work in conjunction with the area humane shelters. And being the animal lover that I am, I would also be willing to take in any aged dog that just needs a loving home to spend his/her last few years with.

Even with the decrease in size of my dream, it still includes Coal. I know that I am adding to much fantasy to a possible reality, but I just can't stop myself. But then, why would a cowboy what to live in Wisconsin. Then again... maybe my kennel doesn't need to be in Wisconsin. I just don't see a definitive chance to move out of the state happening, again, and working.

I tried that already. Quit a job, moved my family up to Mnpls, (cause it was a dream of mine) but then the recession hit and we couldn't get work. We didn't know that our 12 and 14 year old felonies would hinder our search for work and apartment. Got kicked out of the house we were staying at 9 months after moving there. I know that if I got another chance to move out of state that I would have to be convinced that the job was secure and we had a safe place to live until we got our own. And I don't think I would be able to make Hubby go with. He likes living with his parents... he doesn't have to worry about anything but sitting at his computer and pretending to look for work. Honestly, I don't know it I would want him to move with me, again. So the we would be me and my youngest child, at least. Depending on where I was, I might have my oldest two wanting to stay with me, too.

I get annoyed with him just wanting to talk to me. He has always been a touchy feely person, and 5 years ago I was fine with it. But I just don't feel it for him anymore. I love him, like I love the fathers of my other children, but I don't love him like someone who is married to him should. I know that I would continue to be his friend... I am friends with most of my exes. I just am so frustrated with being his wife. I don't think that it is just our living arrangements either. I had started feeling this way before the move to Mnpls. I had hoped that the mover would revitalize my feelings for him. But it didn't. I am just wanting to find a way out, that will cause the least amount of hurt feelings, so that I can continue on with where I want my life to go. I just need the means to do that. A job, a safe place to live, a license/car (if my job is to far from home to walk).

And even though I know it will NEVER happen, I still dream about that ranch in Montana. I have for almost 20 years. I even know that the house and stables look like. I live there in my dreams, actually. I don't have the kennel, but I do have a bunch of dogs. I have the stables full of breeding mares and stallions. I also have a smaller stable for the working horses that are used to maintain the small herd of cattle that we use for a supplemental income. Sad things is.. no matter how much I dream about it, it will not happen. It can't. I may not be a big city girl, I may have been raised near (and sometimes on) a dairy farm. I do know how to ride, even though I haven't been on a horse since I was 16. But I have no training or practical experience in working with horses or cattle. I may have all these ideas running around in my head but it is all based on a dream home, not a real one. Movies and books may be able to teach the basics, but it doesn't account much for physical experience. I can shovel shit (right now, I might not even be able to do that), but I can't train the animal. I have an affinity to animals, but that doesn't mean they always listen to me. I can do housework, but what does that do to help with the work outside the home? Anyway.... I shouldn't be stinking about this, since it just doesn't exist in my life.

Well, I better go. Later.