Most days I wish my life was a dream. Cause then I might be able to wake up to a life that is much better than what I have now. I love my kids, so I would want them to be the same. But there is the idea of being married to someone I love intensely that seems nice.

I know it's sad that I am deeply in love with a man that exists only in my dreams, but he is in them EVERY night. I dream of him so much that the dreams almost feel like memories. I know exactly what he looks like, how he smells and how his touch feels. "Long tall drink of sexy cowboy" I read that somewhere recently and it fits Coal exactly. Yup, he even has a name. Coalfaxx. 6'4", black hair, blue eyes. Smells like leather, horse and man. Makes me shiver just thinking about him. No, he isn't from some romance that I read, although he sounds like he should be. I don't even remember how I came to be dreaming about him. I just know that once he started entering my dreams he never left.

One of the good things about my marriage to Hubby... we knew each other for so long, as friends, before we married that he knew my heart belonged to another. He knew that if by some diving miracle Coal was a living person, that I would most likely follow my heart to be with Coal. We agree that even if divorce happens that we will be able to continue being friends, of course after a short time of separation so that hurt feelings can even out.

There are so many things that I would love to do, but have no way to do them. Like own a new car, or a home. To be able to pay my bills on time cause I actually have the money to pay them. To be able to afford giving the kids allowances, or to pay them for their chores and good grades. To have the time to spend with friends... or to have friends to spend time with. To be able to go to a movie at a theater. Obviously some of these things I have already been able to do, but haven't for a long time. I have given up on so many dreams that I don't think I have any anymore. I always had a dream of owning a large horse breeding ranch in Montana. Now I would settle for a few acres of land and a horse or two. Not that I know anything about ranching. I may have helped out at my uncle dairy farm but that is nothing like a large ranch. But.. since is will never happen I never have to worry about it. I no longer have to worry about ever having the horse either. I can't even get a job so I obviously will never get anything else.

Supposedly, the job market is on the rise. But I don't see it. Since I have be unemployed now for just over 2 years, I seem to continue to be unemployable. I want to try to get something, a certificate or a degree, to make myself more employable again. But that takes money that I don't have. And my hubby has a degree and he isn't able to find anything. Although his degree is PC networking and he hasn't been able to get the alphabet tests to enhance his degree. Nor has he been able to update his degree with new classes.

I just wish... well, wishes don't come true so I guess I shouldn't say that. I keep trying to remind myself that there are those out there that are worse off than I am. Those in the streets, no warm place to keep them, no food to nourish them.  I may be jobless and homeless, but I at least have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. It may not be my own roof, but it is there.

You know what is really sad. I have lived in central Wisconsin most my life, and I have never been to Chicago. I lived in Minneapolis for a short time. So I know what city life is like. And I have found that I need to live one of the two extremes. I either need to live in a BIG city, like Minneapolis. OR live in the country where the nearest neighbor is a few miles away.. so that I can have my animals (dogs and horses). This small town living just doesn't work for me. I know that if I were to have the place in the country that I would most likely need to use the nearest small town for purchases... and that is fine. But I want to be able to have more that 2 dogs. And some small towns don't allow horses at all. You need to be outside the town limits to have animals like that.

Well, my mind is all over the place tonight, hunh. I guess that happens when a person doesn't have anything to do, and no one to do it with.

Later.