Okay. I know that whomever is actually wasting their time reading these is wondering one question....why Montana? I have no clue. All I know is that when asked to name the one place that I would want to live I answer with one of two place: Ireland and Montana. I have Irish blood running in my veins, so that would explain Ireland. But I never understood Montana. I still don't. As I have stated before, I have never been there. I don't even know anyone who has just driven through it just to get to the other side. I have never been to Ireland either, but the ancestry is there so there is at least something connecting me to it. So why do I have such an affinity to Montana? I wish I knew. Maybe I lived there in a past life. Maybe that is where I am supposed to be, or am supposed to go. Is there something, or someone, there that I am supposed to connect with? I know that I have never been drawn to Bozeman or Helena. It is the ranges, both the plains and the mountains, that has drawn me. Would I still feel this...this intense ?need? if I were there? Would I finally feel like I was home? I know many would state that home is where the heart is. But my heart is in a place that doesn't exist right now. I didn't feel like I was home when I went back to Minneapolis, not like I thought it would. I felt better than I do here. But it wasn't home anymore. And it had nothing to do with who we were living with. They still felt like family to me. They welcomed us with open arms and smiles. I still love them like the family they have become to me. But it just wasn't home to me. I have always known that Rapids is not the place I want to live, I knew that back in elementary school. But central Wisconsin is a black hole. Once here it doesn't want to let you go. If you don't get away fast and far enough it sucks you back in.

You will also notice that I complain alot about Hubby. I don't have much else to complain about, but that is besides the point. I do want to note that I have my faults too. Who doesn't? First and foremost, I am what I call SF&U... Short, Fat and Ugly. I am only 5'4" but I am over 200 lbs. Acne is genetic for me. No matter what I eat (or don't eat) or I wash with (no matter how many times in a day) I am bombarded with pimples.I have rosatia. That red tinting around the nose and cheeks. I am nearsighted and have bad oral hygene. I haven't lost all my teeth yet but one of my front teeth is broken. I don't have the money or the insurance to get it fixed. I am currently unemployed, though looking. I have given birth to 4 kids, all from different fathers. My oldest was born a month after my 18th birthday. I dislike most of my father's side of the family, and I despised my fathers wife (she it NOT my mother, just someone who married my father about 20 years ago). I don't see my brother or my mom's side of the family as much as I should. I love all animals (except insects) and I dislike most humans. I believe in a version of an eye for an eye. I believe that if you are caught beating an animal, a person smaller than you, or one who cannot defend themselves that you need to be beaten just as that animal/person you hurt. If you get caught hold dog fight, then you need to be thrown into a fighting ring and made to fight for your life. I know that these views are not politically correct, but I don't care. That is another fault of mine. I am not, in any way, politically correct. I am color blind in the aspect that I don't see a person as their skin color (black, white, yellow orange, purple whatever). I wait to judge a person by their actions and how they treat others. I severely dislike anyone who is bigoted, homophobic, sexist, racist, and any other prejudice there is. Some would believe that my being Pagan is a fault. I do not. I am stubborn, but when I start reverting back to how I was raised I become submissive. Not in a good way either. I have come a long way in removing that influence, but some things bring it back to the fore front, like being surrounded by men who don't/won't do housework cause there are women to take care of it. Other faults.... I can easily become a hermit. I become easily immersed in listening to music or reading a book. I have selective hearing. Truthfully. Not just the normal kind that women have, you know.... the one that women only hear what they want... (but then, men have that too). I mean that if you are standing behind me and talk to me... if I don't consciously know that you are talking to me, I can't hear you. I have been conditioned since I was 4 years old to read lips. I have been doing it for so long that it now affects my hearing. If I can't see your lips, I don't hear your words. All my friends know this, so they forgive me if I talk over them, which has happened more times than I like. I also have issues in places where there is a lot of outside noise. Like near running water or in a car with the radio on. I really can't hear you then, so I rely specifically on reading your lips to know what you are saying. I have actually come into the habit that if I am in the back seat, and the radio is on, I don't even pay any attention to ANY of the conversations going on.... I can't hear them anyway. Now a police/fire/ambulance siren I can hear from 5-10 miles away, in the middle of a blizzard with headphones (with music playing) on. And when I get into a good book......OMG do not interrupt me, if you can get my attention in the first place that is. I like crafts (some view that as a fault). I am interested in beading, cross stitch, sewing, gardening, camping, SCA (society of creative anachronism), SciFi/Fantasy stuff, roleplaying games (both paper and online), fractal art, movies, books, art, museums, zoos, and a shitload of other stuff that some would fault while others would applaud. And unless I start getting into how I was raised and some of my more confusing aspects of my personality, that would be about all.

As you might assume, Tory Blackwolffe is not my real name. I want to try to keep this separate from all those online places that carry the more mundane stuff about the real me. Here, the blog is all real, but the name is not. All those other place the name may be real, but most of the other stuff is just what I want others to see/hear. I want them to THINK it is the real me. Some of it is real. Some is false. But only those who know me best would be able to tell the difference. If you are able to connect who I am on here with who I am out there, more power to you. It is not a challenge. Obviously, since I am trying to keep hope alive, IF Coal is real and is somehow/someway reading this... well you will figure out what you need to do. If a prospective employer in a state other than any of the places that I wouldn't consider moving to is unbelievably reading this, you would have the resources to find me.

I think I will leave it at that for now. Later.