Sorry, had to go quickly. Hubby came into the room while I was typing. He doesn't know how I am feeling. Has no clue, that I know of. But I don't want to cause any more issues than what we already have with staying at his parents house. They have already told me that they will stand with me when I make the choice to leave him. So I don't have to worry about that... it's the fact that there are more of us staying here that there is room for. My daughter is already sleeping on the couch. Brother-in-law is in the basement. Mom and Dad in one bedroom, hubby and I in the other. There is no room for me if I were to break it off now. I NEED to have a job and at least a place of my own before I can do that. The sad thing... I is my fault that we are in this situation in the first place. We both had decent full time jobs, 3.5 years ago. But I received an offer to move back home..only to do so we had to quit our jobs and move out of state. Just as we moved, the recession hit. We weren't able to find jobs where we moved to, and were becoming a burden on the family we were living with so they asked us to leave. The only place to go was back to the in-laws. So here we are, almost 4 years later, still no work, no home, no car, living on the good graces of others. I had a job, but was accused of theft... and since I have no qualifications to work anywhere other than convenience stores.. the accusation now makes me unemployable. I have the support to make the break, I just don't have the means.

The one thing that keeps plaguing me though... my step daughters. They both have expressed interest in living with us.... when we get into our own place. One of them is in a stable home environment and doesn't really need the security we would be able to offer. But the other one... her home life is shaky. The issue.... Hubby wouldn't be able to get placement of her unless I stay with him. I realize that there is a slim chance that her mom would still allow her to live with me, but she wouldn't get the child support then. And I believe the children always need to be put first. Her needs outweigh my own. But then emotional abuse that my youngest is getting isn't good either. It is sad that the situation I am in is more stable than the one the other child is in.

Why do I want to leave him? Many things. All of them small, but putting all of them together is big. The biggest reason is his attitude towards the kids. He has all girls. Beautiful girls... but they are still girls. He wanted a son really bad. Brother-in-law has an adopted son.... who gets better treatment than the daughters. Everyone sees it. Especially the youngest. She sees how he interacts with the nephew and wonders why he is more special than she is. The other daughters don't see it cause they don't live with us.

Then there is the issue of simple personal care. I states that it is my job to let him know when he needs to shower. I was raised that you shower at least every other day, whether you needed it or not. If he needs to be reminded to shower cause he can't smell his own stink..there is something wrong there. He wasn't this bad when we were first married. He is to the point that he showers maybe once a week if I am lucky. I may not be showering every other day right now due to not wanting to be more of a burden than I already am.... but I am showering more often than once a week. And I have had three showers since his last one. That means that he hasn't had a shower in about 10 days. And he had BAD body odor when he was taking regular showers.

He also comes from a family that believes that the men don't need to do housework... of ANY kind. I was raised in a house where the female did the inside housework (dishes, laundry, etc.) but the male did the outside work (mowing, shoveling, etc.). He comes from home that the woman did EVERYTHING around the house, plus work a job. The man worked a job.... nothing else. As soon as the dad was home, it was his right to do nothing as it was his house. Now....hubby isn't as bad as his Dad. But it takes me starting to do his appointed chores before he will get up to do them himself, usually  couple of weeks after they should have been.

I know that part of this issue is that he had NEVER lived on his own. He went from his parents to living with his girlfriend, who was paying for everything. Then he moved back in with his parents. Then finally moved in with me, who was paying for everything. He may be giving me money to pay the bills with but he never actually paid for them himself. He never looked for an apartment for himself. Never had bills in his name that he was obligated to pay for on a regular basis. Never had to care for someone other than himself. Never had to clean up after himself. He was always able to leave it go cause there was someone else to take care of it for him. I honestly don't believe he is capable of living on his own. He may claim he is, but he has never actually done it before. I don't think he has a real comprehension of how much work it is to do it one your own.... with no one to fall back on when you screw up.

I think that is enough for now. I might be back on later. We will see. Still trying to do this without his knowing. Still trying to get thoughts in order. I guess this is my way of trying to do that.

Later.