Doing this while he is sitting next to me at his computer. I don't know if I will be able to do much, but I am going to try. I think since I am also going through my music, he might assume that that is what I am doing.

I don't even know what I want to write (or is it type, now) about. I don't have a life, so I don't have to much to complain about. I don't have a job, so I can't complain about to many (pr to few) hours and not enough pay. I don't have my license or a car, so I can't complain about gas prices or other drivers. My marriage (even though I may not want to be in it anymore) is actually ok. We were friends for to many hours before we married, that all it is is a piece of paper. We don't fight (other than play fighting and a little snipping) and we don't hate each other.

So then you wonder why I don't want to be in the marriage anymore. Well, it is just that I don't feel like I can make the changes that I want to make while still stuck in the same old ruts. He knows that I am typing this, he has looked over, so I expect he will try to look for it and read it. He might succeed, he might not. I don't know. Maybe it is time for me to just suck it up and tell him the truth. I just don't have the basic necessities taken care of for me to have anywhere to go. The Merc isn't even in my name, so I wouldn't be able to take it to sleep in. And even then, I can't legally drive it. I may be able to drive, I have successfully driven without an accident, it just isn't legal for me to do so. So... where would I go? No friends or family to stay with. Daughter would be able to stay here with Grandma and Papa. So that I wouldn't worry about.

Anyway... to finish off why I just don't want to be in the marriage. It isn't that I don't love him, I do. I am just not IN love with him. And yes, there is a difference. Love is unconditional... I love my daughter, I love my parents, I love my friends (the ones that I still have), I love music, etc. To be IN love it must be felt to the soul, it must encompass your heart and mind. It is that feeling of not being able to live without the person the feeling includes. I don't feel that for him, he knows that, but it is starting to wear me down. I still continue to do the wife's job... I clean for him, I remind him to take care of his personal hygiene, I let him have sex whenever he wants (yes that means that I just lube up and let him do his thing). But I just.... I don't feel like ME anymore. I am what HE wants me to be, or as close as I can get. I can't be as into, or enthusiastic, about sex as I was 15 years ago and he doesn't like that. But I am just no longer sexually attracted to him, or me for that matter. (Yes, I meant that. If I can't get into taking care of myself, then how can I get into taking care of him.) I feel like whenever I try to make a change in my life, he laughs at me. He says he isn't, but it still feels like it. And also, since HE doesn't want to make the change then I can't because his wants and needs HAVE to come first..

Ok, gotta go.... later.