You know it is REALLY sad when you do a random search on the internet and end up find a piece of your dream. I was doing a search for Montana, just to get some pics. Like I mentioned  in previous blog, Montana has always been the BIG dream of mine. I always wanted about 1800 acres of land, with the ranch house and barns so that I could have the breeding horses with a small amount of cattle just to help offset costs. Like I also said previously, I may have ideas and dreams, but that doesn't mean that I have any practical experience... so I might be just talking out of my ass. But anyway...during this random search, I actually found the parcel of land that was in my dreams. It may not have all the buildings that I dreamt about but the house and the creek are right, so are the mountains. But it is so far out of my reality that I should just stop dreaming. I NEED a job, I NEED a safe place to raise my kids (even though they don't live with me on a regular basis, I count the step kids as mine too). I NEED to just continue to live my life for the sake of the others. I need to stop dreaming, all it does is make me feel inadequate. Makes the life that I do have not worth living. But ohhh... to be able to live even a small part of a dream. I don't even need my own place out there anymore. Just to be able to live there, do the housework at someone elses place.... but to still be surrounded by all that earth and sky. To be able to walk outside, sit on a porch swing and watch the sun set with over the range or behind the mountains... that would feel like... well, I don't know what it would feel like cause I have never felt it before. I know that that is an unachievable dream, but I don't think I will ever be able to give it up. Just like I dream about Coal.... even while awake. To have even one of my dreams to happen (and work out for the best) would be awesome. Not going to happen, so.... anyway. I don't even know anyone that lives in Montana. Shit, I don't even know anyone who has visited the state. I can't even think of anyone that has even just driven through it. Then again. I haven't been anywhere. I have lived in Wisconsin most of my life and I have never been to Chicago. I lived in Minneapolis for about 2 years or so, but that is it. Never lived anywhere else. I may have been to Milwaukee for Brewers games, Bucks games and a few Miller 500s... and we took a "family" vacation in the Caribbean when I was about 13 (one of those 5 day cruises) but I spent most of my time on the ship cause it wasn't a cruise geared for teenagers. They had stuff for those under 11 and over 18 but nothing for those in between. That's it. That is the extent of my traveling. No Mall of America, no aquarium, no mountains, no canyons. OOOHH I forgot that we lived in Arizona for about 9 months. But I never saw anything other than the apartment complex and the Tempe mall.

It doesn't help that I want to do all these things, like go to museums and art galleries (things that are admission free) and Hubby wants nothing to do with it. So, since he doesn't want to, I can't.

Well, I think I need to go to bed. Have to be up in a couple hours to get the kids off to school. I get to go back to bed, usually do cause there is no reason for me to stay up. But I still have to interrupt my sleep since Hubby doesn't feel that it is his job to make sure that the daughter gets to school each day.

And before I get going onto another rant about being married to someone I don't want to be with anymore but have no way to leave, I will sign off.

Later.