Well. Had to scale down some of the Xmas gifts I had wanted to make for people. But that just means that I can make what I wanted to give to them next year. I made out with receiving a buttload of knitting needles and yarn. Don't know what I will use the yarn for, but will keep all of it just in case. It's mostly scraps. Not enough of one color to make a complete project, but plenty of many colors that I might be able to make an ugly blanket. Will see.

Getting a couple of puppies in Feb. Friends dog had a litter a couple of weeks ago. V had gotten over there just in time to see the last one born. We were going to let her keep that one, but it didn't make it. So, we went over there the other day and she picked out another one. The other puppy picked me. We are spiritual enough to know that when an animal picks a human not to mess with it. There is something meant to happen there. So... Ajax and Kole will join our family in late Jan, early Feb. Gives us a month to get necessary items in the house.

Still working at Walmart. Since the Xmas season is now done I will be getting less hours. Was told between 27 and 32 a week. Fine with me. Come August, I am hoping to get into school anyway. So 30 hours will be enough. I am also hoping that we get enough back in taxes that we can pay off two loan payments and the rest of the 6 month payments for the car insurance. Plus to put some towards the down payment on the house so that we might be able to get a home loan. We've been here for over a year now, so we have already paid $2400 towards the principle of the house. With all the calculators out there, and no matter which one I used, estimating the loan payment is about $200 less that the rent/monthly payments we are currently paying. So making the payments isn't the issue... we are doing that now as is. It's the credit scores that causes the issues.

Still have the "new" car. I kissed a tree with it on Thanksgiving, so it was in the shop this past week, but we got it back today. Hopefully the payments will help my credit enough to help with getting that home loan. Need to start looking into assistance for down payments, that might help too.

Am I still dreaming about Montana? Yup. About the guys? Yeppers. In fact, since the accident, my dreams have become more.... realistic... I guess. I remember things being truthful... like my age is exact, my name is the same, how I was raised and the things done to/for/with me are all the same. Usually in dreams something is different, hair color/length, body size, eye color, name, having supernatural powers. But in these, everything is exactly the same about me. But the guys are still there, Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn. They are still what I have always believed them to be, even though I have no proof. What are they? Well, Coalfaxx and Ravyn are wolf shifters and Nico is a demon (balrog). Yes, I believe in the supernatural (and NOT because of the tv show). Have always believed there is more out there than what we know. How can there not be? Cause if we humans are the best there is, then we are in for a very sad ending. Have always known Coalfaxx to be wolf, ever since I first met him in my dreams when I was 17. Ravyn I met about 7 years ago and Nico about 5 years. I think I might have gone over all this before, but my life is actually pretty boring so this is all I have to talk about. Although now that I have my license, I am able to get out more often.... when we can afford the gas that is.

Anyway.... I still feel drawn to Montana. Have been for 22 years. What held me back? Well, I was raised to live my life based on the man in my life at that time. I, as the woman, must eat, sleep, work and think as the man in my life wants me to. It has taken MANY years, but I am finally getting to the point that those ideas no longer run in the forefront of my mind. I still struggle with getting hubby to understand that I want to do this, that I am trying to me my own person... instead of what he wants me to be. He is so used to me being a certain way, simply because I was this way with the man before him too, cause he believes the same things as that previous man. Housekeeping is wife work, raising children is wife work, working outside the house (lawn work) is wife work, having a job to help with finances must also be done. What does he do? He has a job outside the house. That's it. He, as the man, is not required to do anything else. Since that is almost the way my father raised me, it didn't seem wrong when I was younger. The one thing different with my dad was that lawn work was to be done by the man. Mowing the lawn, shoveling/snowblowing the driveway. Any gardens were for the women, though. But now, I am older, have changed in ways that my hubby doesn't like. Want to take my life in a direction he doesn't want to go. And since he doesn't want to go, he is trying to make it hard for me to do so also. But now... I have my own income, I have my license, and technically the new car is mine as it is my name (along with his brothers) on the loan. His name is not listed anywhere on it.

But... I had made goals for myself about 2 years ago. I may be getting them done a lot slower than I originally wanted to, but they are getting done. What is holding me here? Well three things actually. My income alone is not enough to be on my own. Hence wanting to get my degree... which is the second thing. The third is guilt. I feel guilty cause I do not feel for him what he says he feels for me. I know that he would not have it easy in the beginning of being on his own, cause I have enabled his idea of not doing for himself as he should. He has never had to worry about making the bill payments. He would have a job to make the money to pay the bill but he was never the one to actually keep track of what needed to be paid when and how much to make sure carried over to cover the next bill coming up. He's never had to worry about not having food in the house cause I was always the one to make sure it was there. Stuff like that..... I did the work cause it was just easier for me to do it myself when it needed to get done, than to count on him to do it... when he felt like it. He claims to still be in love with me. I know that I love him, but I am not IN love with him. He has always known my heart belongs to another. But at the time, getting married made sense, it felt right. It still feels ok to be living together, but I hate feeling like I am stringing him along. I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. I feel like we are just two friends that have a piece of paper that states we are married. We get along, we are friends. We enjoy each others company. We are best friends. But I just feel like I need to start living MY life, not living the life I was always made to believe was the one I should be living. Just a couple more objectives to obtain and I will feel like I am able to do that. School.... Montana. In that order.

Well, I have rambled on enough. Will sign off for now. Later.

Been a while. Working, and trying to get all the Xmas gifts done. Got a new/used car. Not much else going on. Life is still boring. No excitement. Home, work.... that's about all we can still afford. Had to fix the furnace. Worked Thanksgiving but didn't get holiday pay since I'm still within the 90 day probationary period.

Still hope to go back to school come next school year. Since some of the tax returns will be mine, I will use that to pay any fees needed to complete registration. Still have hopes to move to Montana. But, as long as I still work at Walmart, I can just transfer out there and use that income while looking for something in my chosen field.

Well, I am tired so I will sign off. Later.

Another update on the list again
1. License within 5 months.
renew temps
fix seat
refresh drive experience
take drive test
obtain actual license (10/25/2013
2. Part time job  (10/23/2013)

3. School/degree in 2017
Registration fee
Background check paperwork and fee
Accuplacer test and fee
Class registration
School funding
Obtain degree
4. Move to Montana
obtain job in MT before move
obtain own vehicle
obtain shelter
I also accomplished getting a few things for the house too. I got a "new" used dryer so that I don't have to hang up all the laundry around the house for them to dry. Also was able to purchase a new slicer as our old ones motor is burned out. Was also able to buy myself a new winter coat too, after 6 years of not getting one.

So... have a few things I still need to do today so... later.

Updating the list again

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test (didn't pass)
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job (not permanent yet though)

3. School/degree in 2017

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There is a chance that the registration fee and the background check stuff for school will need to be redone/repaid. Will find out next year when I go to re-register. I just hope there isn't a waiting list now. I did splurge and buy a new printer when I got a job. This week we are getting a "new" used washer and dryer set from the neighbors for $100. Plus I need to pick up some things for the house since the old roommates are finally getting their stuff out of the house. Just some small things of theirs that I need to replace as we don't have them ourselves (can opener, dish rack, bathroom garbage can and the like). 

Well, gotta get working on supper. Later.

Well, I have taken one road test. Failed. Instructor said my driving was fine, but I didn't check my blind spots as often as I need to to pass the test. Have the second test lined up for Friday. So, maybe I will luck out and pass it this time.

Had to weigh myself for some insurance paperwork. Have gained another 30 pounds. I should start to lose some since I am working now. Since we have to park in the back of the parking lot, it takes me 5 minutes just to get from the car to the back room where the time clock is. Since I have to do that 2-4 times a day, that is a 10-20 minute walk plus all the walking from the front of the store, where the checkouts are, to the back, where the break room is. I am also on my feet the whole time (minus the breaks) I am at work. Moving, not walking, but still moving.

Once I go permanent, I will reapply for school. Since I have an income, the hubby can't complain when I use my own money to pay for all the fees. Cause since it has been long enough I will have to repay the admission fee and most likely the background check fee. The paperwork would still be up to date so I shouldn't have to refill that out.

Still planning on moving out to Montana when I can. The license and the degree are in the forefront. But they are more possible now than they were two months ago. In fact, the license is highly probable within the month. The degree (or the start of actually) will probably wait til at the earliest January if not until the beginning of next school year.

The guys are still there. In my head. I know they are just figments of my imagination, but they keep me going. It's sad when I have to make up people to give me a reason to not give up. My children should do that for me. But the "raising" part of being a parent is done, now is the "guiding" time. Anyway...

I think it is bedtime. Have to be up in the morning. Plus the only time I truly get to be myself is when I am asleep... dreaming.

Night.

This is the list that I had started back in March. This is what it looked like on March 24, 2013
1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

So now, it would look like this

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

The school stuff is going to be put on hold until... whenever. Maybe I can get things set up to start with the 2014-2015 school year. Will have to wait to see. But that will mean that I will have to repay the registration fee. I don't think I will have to redo the background check paperwork/fee though. Since nothing would have changed. But will see. 

Road test for my license is scheduled for the end of this week, so that, with luck, will be taken care of at that time. With the license, I will then be able to truly look at getting back into school. Since I would be able to drive myself to classes when needed. 

Right now, I am only temporary. But if I go permanent, then we will look at getting a new car through a local car dealer that offers loan to low income families. Since permanent would make if possible to guaranteeing monthly payments. If I stay temporary, we will just use our tax returns next year to purchase a used car from somewhere like Craigslist or the buyers guide. 

So my to do list is WAY behind schedule but it is getting done. 

Well, gotta go start supper. Later.

Been a while. Not to much going on. Still no school nor a license. Have another chance at a job. Don't think it will pan out though. I have fallen so far that there is just no getting back up for me anymore. I am stuck here, where I don't want to be, for the rest of by forsaken life. I just know it. I still haven't figured out what the hell I did in my past that was so horrible to cause all this bad karma.

The dreams still sit there, in my head. I see them even when awake. I know they are just that, dreams. And dreams of the fallen don't come true.

Yeah... don't think I should go on with this line of thinking right now. So, I will sign off.

Well, the FLE position fell through. I requested a correct edit of the test so that I can go over my mistakes, don't know if I will get it though. So... yeah. Tomorrow I will call KT to see if that is still a possibility since they still haven't called me back. I am thinking not though. If they had really wanted me they would have called back the next day. So, now I know I am even more worthless than I thought. What did I do that was so horrible to cause all this negativity to be in my life? I can't think of anything I did that was so wrong. Sure, I wasn't the best teenager.. dated guys my dad didn't like (but then he was hoping to sell me to the highest bidder), got kicked out of the house at 14 due to my choice of boyfriend. Was homeless for a good year or so, and during that year I did skip a shit ton of school. But then, I was more worried about where I was going to be sleeping that night than making it to school. Was required to move back in with dad at christmas time due to it not looking good to the family if I was homeless in the winter. Moved to MN with my aunt. Did good for a year but then I made bad choices again and he the consequences to deal with again. I know that I made a bunch of bad choices, in both my life and in a bunch of the boys I dated. Always choosing guys that wanted me to be replacements for their mothers but willing to sleep with them. Giving the kids up for adoption was one of the most selfless choices I made but I still got punished for it, as I wasn't able to get back up to Marshfield after the hearing and lost all my stuff, and became homeless due to it. I finally get back up on my feet and I am, again with a man that wants me to care for him like a mother but to sleep with him like a slut. Ended up getting pregnant again, but made this guy marry me. It helped to keep DCFS off my back, but put me in a permanent relationship that I felt trapped in after the first 5 years. Took a chance in '08 that if I had known my felony was a hindrance I wouldn't have taken. Was homeless again after that fell through. Had a job, got accused of stealing, was fired and haven't been able to get a job since. My friend keeps saying that all things happen for a reason, all things are lessons we need to learn. So what the hell is this all teaching me? All I have learned is that my dreams NEVER come true, that I am USELESS and WORTHLESS, that all my good actions have negative consequences to me, that my environment will never get better than living in poverty always wondering where the money to pay the bills will come from, and that my life will have those joyful experiences that make a life actually worth living. If those are the lessons I am to learn... well they have been learned well. I can't get a job cause I am not qualified for anything anymore, I can't go to school cause we can't afford the initial costs to register, and I can't get my license cause we can't afford the gas needed for me to practice. So what good am I?

Well... enough for now. Can't see the screen anymore anyway.

Still not hearing from the possible job position. Gods, I hope one (if not both) come through. I am so tired of sitting on my butt wondering why I am considered unemployable now. I mean, I have worked at three different companies: GBS for two durations one lasting 5 years the other lasting 9 months, KT for 3 years and BQM for 10 months. So I am not a huge hiring risk when looking at a turnover perspective. Two companies are convenience stores and the other is a service (inventory auditing). Since one of the jobs I am waiting on is a convenience store, you would think the almost 4 years worth of experience would be beneficial, even if I have been out of a job for 3 years. The other position is reading through telecommunication, so the fact that I haven't had a primary job that takes me away from the computer should help. Getting both would be best. The convenience store is only 20 hours a week, so I would still have plenty of time to do the FLE work. To the 20 hours would put all the gas in the car we need, and the FLE would pay for all the necessities that his income can't cover. But then, maybe I am just dreaming again. I mean... we haven't had much go right since MN. Him getting hired permanent was the first thing that happened that was in the right direction. But then, as soon as he got permanent our roommate made plans to move out, so our bill doubled right away. Anyway...

I've been torturing myself... reading western romances/erotica. Causing me to dream even more about my cowboys. Heh... that was something that got mentioned on Sunday. Sis and I were talking about my wanting to move to MT. She asked how V felt about it, and I let her know that V only had one question... "what does MT have the WI doesn't?" Sis smiled and answered with me "Cowboys".

Random thought.... wanting to eat some candy means that you have a 'sweet tooth'... so does that mean that when you want to SEE some (eye)candy you have a 'sweet eye'?

Back on track here.....Or maybe not. I don't know... Just here.

I know that I keep typing the same things over and over on here, but when you have a life as boring as mine, what else is there to type about? I only get out of the house (beyond the borders of the property) about 2x a month. And one of those times is to do grocery shopping, the other is to take V to her monthly psyche appointment. So I get out just long enough to see the waiting room at the docs and the grocery store as we shop. I have no friends cause I can't get out to see them, and I have always sucked at keeping in contact by email/letter. I have no important life events to post about on FB so no one sees me there either. So why do I think MT would be any different? Well for 1. I don't see J moving with me, which means I get to be who I want to be not who he thinks I should be. (it isn't him, it's the way I was raised and since I have been this way for so long he just expects it now and he doesn't want to deal with any changes I want to make) and for 2. I have always wanted to be there, dreamt of is since I was 17. Its just nearly impossible to move to a place where you know no one, and have no way to get there. That's why I want to at least get my license before I go, that way I can drive myself there instead of rely on someone else to do it. And I would be able to sleep in my car until I was able to have an income to get a place to live. But.. that is, again, going over things that have already been beaten to death.

I am going to try to find something to do with the restlessness that is crawling through me. It's almost an itch under the skin it is getting so bad. I just want something good to happen, just so that I know that it isn't all just useless. I already know how worthless I am, but being useless at the same time is just to much. Again, beating an already dead horse.

I am just gonna go now. Later.

Having a blah night. What I want to do I can't cause I don't have the right stuff. I have recently learned how to tatt and crochet. I have patterns that I have found that I feel would work for xmas gifts for family and close friends. And I have a ton to do between now and then, but I don't have the right yarn. Granted, a friend of mine has received her mothers stash of yarn so will go through it and give me what she doesn't want/need. But that doesn't mean that she has what I need for the patterns. 

J got his raise. Only $.20 worth. But it was just a 3 month review. He will have a 6 month review in Nov. Hopefully that one will get him a bigger raise. We will see.

I haven't heard back from either KT or Samhain yet. Still have a week for Samhain though. Will send her something on Monday if I don't hear from her before then. 

I'm trying to get back on track with my exercising and such. Since I have my calorie intake down to about 600 per day, if I increase my activity level I should start to see a weight drop. Just doing simple things like walking a couple miles, a simple yoga routine and an interval exercise set. Once school starts we will probably quit doing the walk. Or do the walk but not the exercise set until winter blows in. 

Still dreaming about the guys. I don't think those will ever stop until they are in my life. And since I don't expect that to ever happen, I will settle with just having them in my dreams. Yes, I will continue to hope and pray that the come into my life, but I just know that it will never happen. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I have not done what I need to do to have them with me. I don't know what it is, if I did I would do it in an instant. Even if I can only have one of them... it would hurt my heart for that to happen, but my soul is dying without having any of them. I wouldn't be able to pick between them, so they would have to do that. I know.... keep dreaming dumbass.

So.... yeah... blah.

Picture by Stefan Brenner

Starting to feel a bit better. Still a little lower than I normally am. V is with her grandparents this week. J works, and sounds like he might get OT this weekend. I got a call from KT about a possible part time job. Once they found out that I had previously worked for KT they said that they would go over my file and contact my previous supervisor and they would get a hold of me later. They didn't call back yet today though. It's only 20 hours a week, but it would pay for gas for the month. I would also still be able to do the FLE with Samhain (if I get accepted), and possibly work on getting my license.

I know I have been saying that I want to leave J for the past three years, but the chips keep falling wrong, and I can't seem to get to the point where I would feel able to stand on my own two feet. All I truly want/need to do that is a source of income and my license.

Got out of the house for the day yesterday. Boy did it feel good to be around people again. It gets annoying and frustrating when the only people I can talk to are my daughter and husband. We've been together for 15 years now... see each other day in and day out. What the hell do we have to talk about. There have been times when we will go 4-5 days without talking cause there just is nothing for us to say to each other. Nothing new happens. But yesterday was one of the two local town celebrations that V was in the parade for. (both for marching band as the two towns share a K-12 school). So I got out to spend the day with family and friends. J wasn't able to spend the whole day there as he had to work last night. So I got to enjoy the day without having to watch what I say. Got to spend the day with my sisters and the girls. Got to enjoy looking at a bunch of eye-candy. Will be getting some yarn as GG got a bunch from her mother that she won't use. Should be getting some of that this weekend. Just had a good day yesterday. Just wish it would continue.

But I will sign off for now. Later.

At one of those "down" times for me. Hard to get motivated to do anything more than just sitting on the couch and stare off into space. Can't even seem to get up the motivation to read. Been like this for about a week now. I did finally get up and bake some cookies though. Needed to do that for about two weeks now. J doesn't have anything for his lunches.

Still can't get a job to save my life though. Applied to Samhain publishing for a FLE (Final Line Editor) position. Finished the first testing phase. Waiting for them to get back to be to let me know if I passed. Gods, I hope so. To get paid for reading would be.... wow. I can read about 50,000 words a day. They (Samhain) require the FLE to read the book twice. Which I agree with as there is always something you missed the first read through. The shortest books they have are 12,000. So I, technically, could edit one of their smaller books a day. Yes, that may only be $48 per day (that is the amount they pay for that size book), but as I can't seem to find any other work... that would be an income we can deal with. So... to do the math that would be $48 x 365 = $17,520. That is $1000 less than my greatest yearly income so far to date. I think we can handle that.... J's income would pay the bills, i.e. rent, electric, heat, phone. Then my income would pay for everything else. I don't know what their pay periods are like but I would assume either monthly, or quarterly. Now, I don't expect to actually get one book per day... especially in the beginning of my employment. But right now, anything would be better than what I am getting now.

As for school.... I have given up that dream. It just is NOT going to happen. Just another dream of mine that I have to give up due to bad choices I made in the past. So I will just owe $20000 worth of student loans for a degree that I will never have cause of financial issues. So.. I get to sit on my butt doing nothing cause I can't get a job instead of working towards a degree while not being able to get a job.

I have been able to decrease how much I eat though. So I at least don't cost as much I as I used to. I used to eat about 900 calories as day. I have successfully decreased that to about 450 calories a day. So, there is some money that I am saving us. Plus I only eat 6 days a week. So there is one day there that I don't cost anything food wise.

As for Montana. That dream I still cling to. I think I even have V dreaming about it. She wants to move out of this town so bad. But she also knows that IF I am able to move there, that she would most likely stay here to finish school and only be out there for summers. Which she seems to be fine with. Especially since we have already sat down and figured out what she wants to do after high school. Veterinary work, with cooking/chef on the side. She has asked one time which one she should do, I told her to do both. Choose one for a career and the other for a hobby. So she is choosing to go for her veterinarian degree with cooking classes on the side for hobby/extra credit. So we have her next four years of school already figured out. Only way it will change is if classes are not available at the time of signing up for them. She doesn't know where she wants to go to college yet, but we figured she would take high school classes as if she was going to go to a four year college. SO.... she has stated to me that even if she has to get a job to pay for us to get out to Montana.... we will do it.

Whether J comes with will be up to him. I honestly don't think he will. He is where he likes. He may not be doing the work he went to school for, but he is doing something that makes him proud of himself. He has a three year apprenticeship, and at the end of those three years he would be making $15/hour. That is a significant amount for people who never made more than $10/hour. In fact the highest income I ever had was $9.25/hour. So, he would be comfortable staying here. Plus his family is here. He LIKES it here. Where I have been trying to get out since I was 15. I succeeded a couple of times, but issues I wasn't in control of cause me to have to come back. Pregnancy (yea, I could have aborted but that was just a choice I wasn't comfortable with), J getting us kicked out of our place in AZ, J getting us kicked out of the place in MN. Then J got us kicked out of his parent's place.Yea, I know I didn't help as I couldn't find work after I got fired from the gas station... but I wasn't the one getting up in peoples faces and pissing them off.

So, anyway. That is where I am at right now. I think I will be done for now. But I will leave you with a lovely image caught by Mikey at http://mikeysphotos.deviantart.com/

Wantin' my mates tonight. Every once in a while, more often lately than is comfortable, I just crave them. Not  sexually either. Just want them with me. Arms and heat surrounding me. You know... just needing human contact with someone other than my daughter. Sure, I have J.... but it isn't the same anymore. Ever since I started feeling this restless unease, he hasn't had the presence I need. His arms lost the home feeling. The saddest part of it all, even if we do choose to end the marriage, I feel to old and useless to even think about starting a new relationship. I just wish I could shake theses feelings so that I can just go back to being reserved to continue my life as I have up til now. I know it will not get better... it isn't allowed to. Oh well... will just learn to live with it. It's all that I can do, since no good change is in the foreseeable future.

Later.

Today was supposed to be a good day for V. Last full day of school, so it was the awards and "promotion" ceremony. (8th grade graduation). Grandma and Papa made it, I made it, but because Dad is still holding a grudge against the town for things done to him in high school, he didn't go. I also noticed that her classmates don't interact with her. There was a small buffet after the ceremony, and all the kids with their parents were there. I don't know anyone, so I of course sat alone. But V knows all the kids, but none of them wanted to sit with her. There was someone who wanted a picture of all the kids together and they didn't ask for V to join them. I know that my goal to get to Montana is mostly for me, but I get the feeling that V needs it just as much as I do. I just don't know if she should move with me and finish high school there or if she should stay here to finish school but live with me during the summer. I guess I will have to wait to see if I can even get registered for fall classes. If I can do that then I should be on the road to completing my goals. So, I guess this is no longer about me.... but about her too. Will have to work on that. I still know that he won't be coming with.... he doesn't want to leave his family plus he is allergic to hard work done outdoors, and both people and places he doesn't know. Anyway...

Gonna go for a bit. Might be back on later, don't know. Daydreaming a bit here so...

Not much has changed. Roommate is hoping to move out come the end of June beginning of July. A place up the road is available. I don't think he realizes that it will cost him more in the long run.... since here he only pay half rent and bills and has not bought household items since we moved in. There the rent will be $170 more and the bills would be about $140 more plus what he would need as household items. But he will find out when he moves out. It will be nice not having to pick up after him and his daughter. She is a piece of work... There have been so many times that I wanted to discipline her for something, but he wants her to learn that she can be and do ANYTHING she wants. And I don't mean that she could aspire to be a congresswoman or something like that. But that she can do things like throw her food on the floor cause she doesn't like it then not have to clean it up. That she can ignore the other people that live here and change the channel to something she wants to watch even when someone else is watching something. That she can decide she doesn't want the radio on and just turn it off when others are listening. That, because she says something belongs to her, we all have to give it to her no matter what it is. Yup.... she will turn into a winner as she gets older. No consequences for any of her actions.... especially when it's bad.

So... not much else going on. Still dreaming. Was asked the other day by a friend why I have all these ideas for the yard when I  plan on moving to Montana. I don't think he expected my answer. I told him that I know that Montana is a pipe dream. I may be something I have wanted since I was 18, but I know that this right now is the best I will ever get. I am not worthy of anything more than this. I I still dream, I still hope, but I just know that this is where I will survive the rest of my life. I can not be any more than what I am now cause it is this is what others want me to be. And every time I have attempted to make myself more, better, others have come in and put up roadblocks to detours that take me right back to where THEY want me to be, instead of where I dream to be. Yup.... Not worthy of better. Never have been, never will be. Can't even get the damn $20 to pay for the accuplacer tests. Almost had it, then J decided he wanted to spend $10 of it on a new game he downloaded. When will I get a break and be given the chance to better myself. I know I need to get a job. I know that we need more income. But I also know that I will not be able to get a job without something to back me. And three years of consistent unemployment is NOT it. No driver's license, no degree, been fired from a job that accused me of theft even if they didn't charge me. Even places that were interested when they interviewed me, lost interest when they did reference checks. So.... what am I to do. I can't get a job. I can't pay for school. But I can't just sit here and do nothing. A pile of crap is of more use than I am right now.

Well, enough complaining... Gonna go to bed and hopefully dream of my mates so that I can have some form of happiness in my life.

Later.

I know that my reading all these romance novels aren't helping any, but it makes me wonder.... are there real relationship, both traditional and nontraditional, that are like the ones you read about? Obviously, I know the ones that are set in fantasy worlds don't, at least not in this realm. And depending on who you talk to would depend on if the supernatural ones could be real... I believe they could be, since I DO believe in the possibility of shifters and vampires. But I mean the ones that are set in modern day settings, i.e. New York, Texas, Montana, Wyoming.... place that even if the towns are made up the environment is not. But are there actual people, in my mind mostly men, that actually care for their mates as they do in these stories. I know in my little part of the world they don't. I like to think that there are men out there that care for their partners, no matter what form or how many, as they do in the books. I guess, I just hope that my daughter(s) don't end up in relationship like the one I have. I am pretty sure the older ones won't as they are raised by others so they know that not all men are like the one here. But my youngest... I worry that she will end up like me. In a relationship with a man that is insecure enough with himself that he doesn't want his woman to succeed. I hope that she goes off to college and finds the man or men that will show her that there is more to a relationship than what she sees here. It also make me wish that my mates were real so that I could get her out of this type of environment. But, until I have the means to do things on my own it won't happen.

Well, I am tired so...

Later.

You know that song "Is There Life Out There" by Reba.... Well I feel like that. I've been a mom since I was 18, my choice. I know I could have chosen to give up the kids when I first had them, but I chose to keep them. Didn't work out as I ended up giving them up later on, but I tried. I just couldn't do it. But shortly after giving up my oldest kids, I got pregnant again... the difference is that I told the father that we were going to get married if it happened. I did not want to have another child out of marriage. Seemed like a good choice at the time. And it worked then. But now... I am stuck. Looking back on all my relationships, not just the intimate ones, but all of them. I have always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I have given up foods, thoughts and activities cause someone else didn't want/like or do them. I gave up fruits and vegetables cause one of the guys I dated didn't like them. I gave up fish, potatoes and stayed away from the fruits and veggies cause hubby didn't like them. I stopped spending time with friends, and going dancing cause he doesn't like being around crowds. I stopped doing my crafts cause it spent money he thought would be better spent on other things, like his video games. The only thing I haven't given up is my reading, and that I won't give up cause it is my only reprieve from the life I don't want. I have started to take some of my life back... I have started to incorporate fruits, vegetables and fish into my diet again. I have started to learn some new crafts like tatting and beading. I have been trying to go back to school but he keeps stalling me. I know that if I truly wanted to, I could just do it and he would never be the wiser until I actually started classes, but something keeps me back. Maybe I, myself, am scared of success? Things have been for shit for us for so long that when stuff starts to get better, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I WANT to be more, I just never expect the chance for it to happen. But I have been here, in this type of situation before, and still haven't found a way out. Do I keep sabotaging myself? I know the song says "She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering is there life out there". The thing is, I DO want to leave. I want to find my home. I thought it was with J... and for a while it was. But something happened, something changed, I just don't know what. I don't know if it was me, or him, or just I started seeing things differently. I guess that would mean that I changed. I think it happened in Minneapolis. I have been living with and spending time with people that have known both of us for so long that they have biased opinions when asked for advice. But going up there, staying with people who knew me before the kids, before I was married and had never met him, opened my eyes a bit. I saw the arrogance, the anger, the frustration, the condescension he harbors towards those he sees as against him instead of with him. And it is always someone elses fault... he is never to blame.

Why all this today? Well, I guess I did something that pissed him off so much that he couldn't even look at me. I don't know if he found out about my blog here, or if I said something, or if it was cause I fell back to sleep this morning after he told me something. I don't know. And I don't know if I really care either. I do know that it is solidifying my want to get me license and degree. I need to do something. I am tired of living like this. Always struggling financially, never feeling like I am worthy of the air that I breathe. Always doing things their way instead of my own. Feeling like I need permission to think. But always having to be the one that fixes it all. Having to be the one to make sure the chores are done, the kids feel loved and he is sexually satisfied (whether I want to or not). I just feel... I don't know... run down. I know this feeling won't last long, I have felt like this often in the past 10 years. Even more after having to come back from Minneapolis. But I  am stuck. I can't seem to get out of this god forsaken rut. Something is always more important then my going back to school or the license. But yet, I can't get a job without them. He wants me to get a part time job, at least.... so do I. But I have been out of work now for over 3 years, with no prospects on the horizon. I would think that instead of me sitting here doing nothing but fill out applications for the same jobs each month, I could be productive and work on my degree. Get that and in two years get a job that would make me worthwhile to have around. All but one of the classes are online. So once a week, for the first semester only, I would need to go into town for a 2 two hour class. Is that so horrible that it wouldn't be worth it. Is it so bad that I want to begin to feel like I am accomplishing something again? Is it so wrong that I want to feel proud of doing something that would make me a more complete person? I know that I will NEVER be fully complete since my mates aren't here, but at least I could feel like... I'm more. Like I'm more than just a useless waste of space, that I not good for anything other that easy way to relieve stress. An easy lay. I know it's just a pipe dream, but it's a nice one.

Mates, if you are out there, please hear me. Please answer me. I could really use your strength right now. I would revel in your confidence and wallow in your love. And to feel your acceptance would be heavenly. Then again, all I need to do is go to sleep, cause that is the only place you exist.

Well, I am tired so I think I will leave off here. No use going to sleep as the bed is being occupied at this time, but as soon as he wakes, I can go to bed... so I will see you, my mates, as soon as I close my eyes.

Well, things are starting to get a bit better. Hubby finally got permanent position at the company. So... no more sitting on edge dealing with losing work. With the permanent position comes a raise. Can't get the medical yet as it would cause us to have a decrease in take home pay even after the raise. Maybe in a year or two. I am also hoping that with him getting permanent he won't be so against my going back to school. Of course things have continued to get in the way of my getting my tests taken. I am hoping to do it next month. Gods... please let it happen. I so need to get this done. Not necessarily so that I can prove to hubby that I can make it without him, but to prove to myself that I am worth more than just... this. I want to prove that I can be more than I am. I am a stay at home mom because I can't be anything else right now. It's one of those things that I want to be doing it cause I CHOOSE to, not because I can't be anything else. And right now I don't have a choice. Plus, I still dream about getting out to Montana. Yup, still dreaming. I wish I could stop, cause I KNOW that dreams never come true. But I just can't stop them from happening. My mind takes over for me and conjures them up.

I am also feeling very lonely. I am not alone, since I have V, J, and the roommate here almost constantly. But I have no one to talk to about things. V is 14... and my daughter, so some things just don't get discussed with her. J and the roommate TS know all that goes on in my day, which is nothing, but since they are here constantly there is no reason to discuss things with them that do not deal with household stuff or finances. I tried registering on one of those email pals sites but all I got were guys looking for sex stories. NOT what I want. I truly want someone who wants to talk things out, learn about each other, possibly become friends. Then again.... I keep comparing people (in RL or on the internet) to the men in my dreams, Coal, Ravyn and Nico.

Why? I can't get them out of my head. They are there ALL the time, sleeping or awake. They are so real in my mind that they can't be real in RL, right? I mean... there just can't truly be men like that that exist in our time and dimension. They have GOT to be just figments of my imagination. They are to Alpha to be anything else. Okay... just so you can know what I mean by they are not capable of being real.... All three are tall (Ravyn is 6', Coal is 6' 2" and Nico is 6' 6"), black hair (tint varies cause Ravyn is flat black, Coal has a tint of blue and Nico is a tint of red). Eye color: Ravyn has chocolate brown, Coal is blue, and Nico is silver. In my dreams they all have military experience, but Ravyn and Coal are semi-retired, Nico is still serving. Ravyn is running a ranch and Coal is police (sheriff/deputy). Obviously they are all still fit as they need to be due to chosen professions. They are not blood related, but have chosen the others as their brothers. Spiritually both Ravyn and Coal are wolves and Nico is a demon. Two black wolves and a balrog. It's just.... men like this don't exist in my world. They never have and never will.

All the men in my world are rude, crude, or lazy. I have NEVER lived with a male who helps out around the house unless bribed with sex. I never met a man who didn't expect their woman to pamper them like their mothers did, while working 40 hours jobs AND doing all the housework, along with always being ready to service the man whenever and however they wanted. I received exactly 5 thank yous for all the work I've done and shit I've taken in the past 14 years. Those who do work, are crude and just....eww. I know that I am not worth much myself... I am SFF (short, fat and f-ugly) so this is all that I am worthy of getting. And sadly, I don't think I want to know that men who appreciate and care for their women exist, cause then I would feel even worse since I wouldn't be worthy of having a man/men like that. Having them in my dreams will just have to be enough.

What's even funnier is that all the dreams I have with the three of them in it.... NONE are sexual in nature (unless I consciously make it sexual). There is love and trust. There is contentment and security. There is loyalty and confidence. I am proud of being who I am, and doing what I do. I feel appreciated for what I do, and I enjoy doing it. I don't feel used and neglected. I don't feel useless and worthless. I don't feel like a waste of space. Thinking back on all my relationships with me... no matter intimate or platonic there were only 4 men that made me feel like I was worth something. Larry, Brian, Heath and Ray. My older brothers 4 best friends in school. They all treated me as a little sister. Even after intimate relationships didn't work out. They didn't see me as another useless female. Even rescued me from a disastrous school dance that my "date" decided to bring a second female date with us. I made one call and had 4 "brothers" willing to kick some ass if needed. After school, one went into the military, one found religion and I don't know what happened with the other two. Anyway..

Gonna go dream some more...Later

Feeling irked and frustrated tonight. Don't know why.

Got the stereo from the storage unit into the house today and got the washer that TS found in the house too. Have to test the stereo to make sure it still works, need a needle for the record player and (believe it or not) an cassette for the 8 track player. We have a converter, one that plugs into the 8track player then plays through one of those cassette tapes that are used for care stereos and such. But we don't know if it is the player or the converter that doesn't work.

Actually I think I have an idea of why I am feeling irked.... feeling a bit used. Had to "service" J today so that he could fall asleep. Gotta keep reminding myself that I only have until I get my license and degree. I'm just so tired of feeling used. I know that technically it is my fault cause I let him do it. It's just easier to play along cause right now there is no way that I could make it on my own. I can't even get a job. Dollar General won't even hire me. How pathetic is that?

At least I have my dreams. They are all that keep me sane right now. It's sad that three men that only exist in my dreams are all that keep me going each day. But... they are all I've got right now. Not to put down my kids, but they are all old enough now that they don't need my care 24/7. So, I can now think about what I want and need. What I want are my men, what I need is to get myself back. But as long as I am with J that won't happen. I know he claims to still love me, and I believe he thinks he still does. But I honestly think that he is just comfortable with what we have and is scared of change. He hates going places he has never been to before. So, if I were to leave him, he would be in a place he thought he would never be. On his own. He has ALWAYS had someone to catch him, to make sure his bills were paid, to make sure there was food in his gut. Sure, he works to bring in the income. But he has never had to sit down to figure out the finances. Someone else has always done that for him. UGH.

Well, I am tired. Don't know if it is due to the hauling of big appliances today or because of my mental state (maybe both), but I am going to go lay down and read a bit.

Later.

Beautiful day out today... finally. A bit windy but nothing that couldn't be dealt with. Got the yard partly picked up... a lot of the limbs that fell due to the ice storm we had a week or so ago. Talked to the roommate about getting a chain saw to cut up the tree that fell. Free fire wood hehe. Got the clothes line poles stabilized, clothes line tightened and tied off. Roommate found a couple of used washers on the side of the road, so he grabbed G and went to get them. Drain pump doesn't work on one, don't know about the other yet. Will check that one out tomorrow. The one with the drain pump not working, it works enough to wash clothes, just have to keep the washer outside since we have to lay the drain hose down on the ground for it to drain. And G, who is doing a load of laundry tonight, says that the spin cycle didn't force as much water out of the clothes as it should have. Will check that tomorrow. Even if it doesn't completely work, we can now do laundry. We have a wash tub sink in the back room, I was planning on getting clothes line next week so that I could do stuff by hand and be able to hang it up. But now, I just have to sit outside so that I can raise and lower the drain hose when needed. I also got lunch meat sliced up (16 lbs worth) and the hamburger separated  Would have gotten more done outside but had to cook supper. Tomorrow is pizza night so I can do more outdoors. I just hope that J keeps getting OT so that we can start to get things that we need for outside. Like rakes and such.

That's it for now. Might be back on a bit later, but V is wanting attention.

Not much to update right now. Still waiting to hear from a business to see if J gets the job. They had told him that they would call him by late last week... They still haven't called. I hope he remembers to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on.

I am thinking that with the next paycheck, I am going to call up the school and schedule the test date for my accuplacer tests. I know that J doesn't like the idea of my going back to school, but I am not getting anything back on any of the job applications I have filled out. It has been three years now since I have had a job. I can not keep going like this. I need to be doing something. Since I seem to be unemployable, I need to do something to change that factor. I know the main reason he doesn't want me to do it... he claims that it is because he doesn't want to have to take me to and from so many classes when he should be sleeping for work. But I think it is because he knows that, like I most likely mentioned before, if I succeed at getting my degree and then am able to follow it up with a job within a year that it was HIS fault that he never got a job in his field. Plus he knows that I would be one step closer to being able to leave him.

I am just tired.... tired of feeling useless. Tired of being stuck. Tired of  never being able to enjoy life. Tired of be just here. I had had so many dreams... simple dreams too. Nothing big. I didn't want to be famous or anything. I just wanted to have my ranch in Montana. Have my horses, and cattle. Have a garden, some kids and my men to love me. I wanted to be a strong woman that my kids would look up to, that my men would be proud of, that I could love.

Sitting back and thinking about it... I stopped dreaming all that when I got married. Cause my life was no longer mine, it was his. Because of the way I was raised I automatically changed who I was and what I needed to coincide with his wants. I gave up my wants and dreams, and became only concerned with what I thought I would need.... as long as he said I needed it. And now that we have been together for so long.... I can't change, not while I am still with him. Even now, I notice that I take better care of myself when he isn't here. I may not do much during the day right now, but I know once the weather makes up her mind I will probably spend most of my time outside. Since he is sleeping, I won't have to worry about him needing me to do anything for him. He goes to work before I go to be... on the nights he works, I remember to brush my teeth and wash my face. I also fall asleep faster without him here. I go to bed at 1 on a night he works and I am asleep before 2. I go to bed at 1 on a night when he is sleeping with me and I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5. I had started doing exercises, stopped cause I got sick. But never started back up cause what is the point in exercising when I can't eat the calories I need to anyway. I am fat... but not just cause I sit on my butt all day... but because I do not eat like I should. I am supposed to eat 1800 calories a day. Its a good day when I have eaten 900. So my body is in constant starvation mode. So... exercising doesn't help since I don't have the calories to burn. I was going to start doing 2 smoothies a day to go along with my one meal. Add some protein powder so that it makes it a meal. But J wanted me to wait til he got more information about it. Still waiting. Plus, then the oldest daughter moved it... and our food stamps only went up $30. So, now I have to make sure the three of them eat before I do.

She isn't planning on staying long, just until her father and stepmother move up here. I am just a wayside stop on her way to where she belongs. Wow... that actually hurt. Oh well... guess that is what I deserve for being me though.

I just gotta do something. So... whether he likes it or not, I am going to take $20 and schedule my accuplacer tests. He wants me to wait, but I have been waiting for years now. I can't keep waiting until he thinks he is ready for me to be good enough to leave him. I need to do this now for me, or I will never be able to get it done.

So... I just have to put my own foot in my ass and get it done. Need to start living for myself, not for him. Cause once I can leave, I will. I have to. I have been lost for so long that now that I am starting to find myself again, I need to keep going.

Now... if my cowboys were to show up and offer me their assistance that would be AWESOME. It will never happen but.... dreams... even though I know they never come true, I still have them. Coalfaxx, Nico and Ravyn.... yup... in my dreams every night. Miss them, want them, can never have them. Sux.

Later.

Still waiting for the seat to get fixed. I have suggested that his brother help him, but it didn't happen. I suggested that I help him, still waiting for him to let me know when. I can't drive the car til the seat is fixed, my legs aren't long enough to reach the peddles. I feel like he is trying to hinder me again. I want to get my license, he claims he wants me to too. But yet, I can't drive cause something needs to be fixed and he won't get it done. I would do it but I have no clue as to what, and where it needs to be done.

He knows, even though he won't admit it, that I am having serious thoughts about leaving him. I honestly thing that that is what is going on. He claims to want me to succeed but then does things so that I can't. Cause if I don't succeed, I can't leave him. I can't prove him wrong.... that having a degree does not automatically guarantee a job. Especially when you don't take the time to update that degree. He honestly believes that a place like Best Buy is obligated to hire him cause he took the time to get the degree in the first place.... in 1999. He hasn't taken any tests or updates for that degree since then. But he still expects them to WANT to hire him. He knows that if I get my degree, I will be able to get hired within 1 year of getting it. Why? Cause I will actively seek out work. He didn't. He thought the jobs would come to him and all he would have to do was sit there and watch the offers roll in. Yup... He is that arrogant.

I know that I will have to do a lot of footwork just to get a foot in the door, but since I am choosing a field that is everywhere I know that there would be jobs wherever I move. BIT, Biomedical Information Technology... advance medical billing and coding. I would be able to work at any medical facility that needs to charge insurance companies for services rendered. Just need to get shit together enough to pay the rest of the admin fees for school. Gotta do that soon to, so that I can have classes settled. That way I can let any job that I might be able to acquire what hours I would not be available due to class scheduling. $50, that's it, that's all I need. But there ALWAYS seems to be something more important than that. Somehow, someway... I need to find a way to get it done.

He thinks that once I start school that I won't get a job. But yet when we first moved here I was taking online classes while working part time. So I know I can do it. Had to stop cause we couldn't afford the monthly payments for me to continue taking the classes. So I had to drop out. The new classes, at a different school, are less expensive than the other ones, so my financial aid will better cover it.

Well, arm is starting to hurt to much, so... Later

Well... I am one small step closer to getting to Montana. We have finally renewed my temps. Now we just need to get the seat fixed in the Mountaineer so that I can reach the pedals so that I can get some drive time. I feel fine driving on the back roads and in Rapids (since I know it so well). It is roads like business 52 and Hghwy 10 (I think it's 66 now) by the DMV in Point that make me nervous to drive. Next week, I am setting aside the $20 for the accuplacer tests at MSTC. I received a letter from them dealing with my registration for classes in the 2012 year that I didn't actually finish registering for... and if I wanted to be placed on the list for the 2013 year. I returned it with an affirmative. So I have to get the tests taken (and hopefully I don't have to repay the other fees) so that I can get the class registration confirmed. There are a couple of classes that are hybrids (half in person, half online). But the 2013 schedule isn't up yet...so. We will have to wait to see. I should have my license by then....hopefully. But the 2013 schedule had one that was a hybrid, the in person class was a lab for science. Luckily in the morning, so if they schedule the same times then even if I don't have my license it shouldn't interfere with Hubby's sleep pattern to much. But since most of my classes will be online, I am hoping that I can get a part time job also. So... my goals are:

1. License within 5 months.

• renew temps
• fix seat
• refresh drive experience
• take drive test
• obtain actual license

2. Part time job

3. School/degree in 2015

• Registration fee
• Background check paperwork and fee
• Accuplacer test and fee
• Class registration
• School funding
• Obtain degree 

4. Move to Montana

• obtain job in MT before move
• obtain own vehicle
• obtain shelter

There... those are my goals for the next 2 years with their steps to completion. 

Still dreaming about the cowboys though. I just wish they were real. Cause I love to think that since I dream about them so much, that they must dream about me sometimes.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one being bombarded with these dreams and feelings. They are just to strong to be aimed at just me. Are you out there? I know they don't actually read this, if they do exist. When would they have the time? I guess I will find out in two or so years. 

Although with the timeline already being pushed back 1 year from the original date, that means that the youngest will not be moving with me. She would be the end of her sophomore year at the time that I graduate. I wouldn't want her to change schools that late in her high school years. She already have friends (and enemies) established. And, even though things can change drastically in high school, I don't want to disrupt that with changing her schools. SO... she would stay here with her father, while I move. I would get her during summer. No... I wouldn't take her for holidays... why spend family holidays in a place where only 1 family member is... spend it in the place where the majority is. Then, after she graduates, if she wants to move out there with me, she can. Besides... she is flip-flopping between chef and veterinarian as a career choice. So, I told her to do both. We have her classes already figure out for the next four years. Then, if she chooses Vet she can check out the colleges in MT, WY and CO. Plenty of ranches/vet offices out there for her to volunteer at to get hands on experience. Sure there are farms here, but she doesn't want to work solely with cattle. She wants horses in there to and most of the farms in our area are strictly cattle. So... I guess even my moving to MT is for someone else's dreams too. 

Now, hubby is another story. I believe he thinks that since I am willing to work on getting a job, my license and school that I am planning on staying here. I do still plan on trying to purchase the house we are in, but I also still plan on moving to MT. Why buy the place when I plan on moving? For many reasons... 1. I know that if something fails, I have a place to go. 2. When we come to visit, we have a place to stay so that we aren't all crowded into one place. 3. If the children want/need a place to stay they have one. 4. If MT doesn't work out for hubby, he has a place to go. 5. If I move before V graduates high school, I know she has a roof over her head that is not under constant threat of being lost due to income fluctuations. 

I can almost guarantee that hubby will need the place. He doesn't like doing housework, so being a house husband won't happen. He doesn't want to work in the hospitality industry, so all hotel/motels are out. He hated bar-tending/waiting so all bars and restaurants are out. He can't physically handle feces or has the knowledge to handle large animals, so all ranches are not options. He won't update his college degree so all computer based positions are out also. He has an attitude that would get him fired at a gas station or grocery store within the first week of working. So that leaves him with.... nothing. He won't be able to find a job. So he will give up. He will decided he doesn't want to be there anymore and decide that we all are going to move back here. What he doesn't realize is that I am NOT coming back. He can. I won't stop him. But once I get there, I am not leaving it. I KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I was supposed to be there a while ago. But shit happens. I had promised myself that I would be there by the time I was 40. Well.... that will not happen since my degree takes 2 years to get and I am 39 this year. But getting ther at 41 is not a bad compromise. He will try... I know he will... but it isn't where he is supposed to be. It isn't what he is supposed to be doing. I truly believe he belongs here, in WI. And even stronger, I believe he belongs here, in this house. I don't know why, I just feel that this is his place... my second home. MT is my first. It is small enough that he should find it easy to maintain and clean but large enough to have room for the kids when they want to stay. And if I get a decent enough of a job in MT, I would be willing to help with upkeep costs, whether or not we stay married. Granted my own place would be priority of course, but if he needed help with something I would be willing to help him out. Mostly because then I know my kids would be safe while staying here. Granted my youngest only has 4 years left before she turns 18 but.... they are still my kids. 

Anyway. That is what is going on. I will keep crossing off things on my list as I get them completed. 

Later.

Well, we have about 5 months for shit to straighten out. Found out that the roommates are planning on moving out before the next school year.. August. We were under the impression that they were planning on being here for about 2 years when we signed the lease. I understand, and agree, that they need to consider themselves before all others... that's the way it should be. But I just wish they would have given us a bit more time... I know 5 months seems like a lot of time... but I have been looking for work for 3 years and still haven't found anything. Hubby is still only temporary, so we don't know when his last day will be. We hope he goes permanent but we won't know until they decide and tell him. So, even though 5 months may seem like plenty of time to others, it isn't to us... especially since we originally thought they would be here for 2 years total.... and it has only been 6 months. So... there go my 2 year plans of school then moving to Montana. Must place my dreams on hold, again, so that the family is taken care of first. I am just getting so tired of having to put MY dreams on hold. Husband got his... school, degree. He may not be working in the field his degree is in, but then he isn't keeping himself up to date either. He feels that since he got his degree in the first place employers should be clamoring to get him on their payroll. But his technology degree is 13 years old, and had NEVER been updated.

AARRGGHHH!!!! When will I get a break? I just want to be able to go a few months without having to worry about how we are going to pay the rent, or the bills. Or squeezing out enough money to make sure there is gas in the car so that he can get to work. I want to be able to start paying back all the money we have borrowed over the years instead of having to keep adding onto it. I want to start feeling like I am actually accomplishing something with my useless life instead of just being a waste of space. Right now, I am worth more dead than alive. I am utterly useless. And I am starting to see that I will never be anything other than that. And it is a waste of my time to actually try to be more than that.

Getting a bit depressed so I am going to sign off for now. Later.

Well, I didn't get to finish registering for school before the beginning of the year. So, I am hoping that with our tax returns I will be able to complete all the paperwork and make all the fee payments so that I can start in the fall. I keep rubbing my little Buddha's belly but it hasn't been working, so today I picked him up and rubbed his whole body, maybe that will help.

I have also started doing some minor exercises. I know that I am fat and fugly. I can't do to much about the fugly part as it is mostly genetics but I can do something about the fat part. I had done some measuring in the bedroom and noticed that with some rearranging I was able to make just enough room that I can do some exercising. I am one of those very self conscious people that doesn't feel comfortable with exercising in front of others, even at a gym. I have some exercise programs on disc, but no place to play them without running the risk of someone walking in the room. So, with the changing of the bedroom, I was able to make room not just for the exercising but for the tv and ps2 (being used as a DVD player). I have already been doing a very light workout for the past 2 weeks... simple things like leg lifts, pushups and crunches. I have about 50 lbs to lose to get to a comfortable weight. 70 if I want to get as close to my "ideal" weight as I can. I just want to fit into my size 12/14s again. So, since I have been able to successfully change our diets (I have introduced some veggies, rice, pasta and fruit into a mostly meat diet.) For the longest time our diets consisted of meat and potatoes, with corn thrown in every now and then. The first thing I added after moving was rice. Then I started mixing the veggie mix (corn, peas, carrots, green beans) in with the rice. Then substituted the rice with pasta. Also added onion, green/red peppers, garlic, ginger and such into the meat recipes. Now I have found a smoothie recipe to help integrate fruits and yogurt into the diet regularly. Next is salads and veggies that are more associated with salads (zucchini, lettuce, cauliflower, etc.). Once and if we are able to get a stand alone freezer I will incorporate more breads too. But we have limited freezer space and but ALL the meat for the month at one time. I still make sweets (cookies, brownies, hard candies). Not just cause I have a 13 year old, but because I have learned that for my diet to work I still need to incorporate the sweets that I like, just limit the amount I eat. That way I don't crave them and then overindulge when I cave into the craving. I am hoping to have lost enough weight to fit and feel comfortable in my shorts and tank tops come summer. That gives me 4 months to lose the 50 lbs. 12.5 lbs a month. I don't think it will happen. Maybe 10 lbs a month.... but we will see. I also have to be careful of my elbows... tennis elbow. Diagnosed by the doctor in my left arm. Then while trying to not use my primary arm so that it can heal, I over extended the use of my right arm causing it to get tennis elbow too. So, now I have it in both elbows. Not helpful when trying to cook, clean, wash dishes or do pushups.

Still dreaming about Montana though. Have to push those ideas back another 6 months. I know what is happening though. I think he realizes that once I get my degree, and I am ready to move, that I believe that I will be making that move alone. I don't think he could last in MT. Hell, I don't know it I would. But I do know that I would not give up after 9 months. Looking back on AZ and MN... both times we were kicked out at the 9 month mark.... both times due to something he was or was not doing. Now AZ was at a time when personal computers were still a luxury and the internet for the public was new. He had a game that kept causing Windows to do an "illegal" action. The people we were staying with took that to mean that he was doing something illegal (like selling drugs or some shit) in the internet. They didn't believe him when he said it was a problem between the Windows OS and the game he was playing, NOT something he was personally doing. So they kicked us out. MN happened cause he would spend 90% of his home time on the computer. And the times when the people we were staying with saw him on the computer he was always playing WOW. They never saw him fill out applications and such (I never did either but...) Then the one time they decide to confront him with it, he threatens them. The next day they tell us we have until the end of the week to get out. The wife of the couple told me before we left that if I wish to try moving there again without J, that they would welcome V and I in their home. So.... MT wouldn't be any different. Where ever we would be staying if things weren't going according to his ideas, he would do something to get us kicked out. What he doesn't realize.... I am not going to come back. I will sleep in the car if I had to. He can come back to WI. It's where he is most comfortable anyway. He would try to make it work, cause he thinks he has to for me. But then when it doesn't work he thinks I have to come back here for him. I can't do it anymore. Yes, I still plan on trying to buy this house.... It would be nice to have for when we are here for extended stays, and we can rent it out to friends/family while we are gone. And even if it stands empty until those times when we are here... it is still place to stay for family that need to use it. So, I know what I want to do, what I hope to do. I just don't know if I will succeed. Guess we will find out in a couple of years. Now... if my cowboys were to call, then..... weeelll... that would be a different story. I wouldn't need to wait for my degree, since I would be doing the same work that I have been doing for the past 15 years. but.... that is just a dream.... and dreams don't come true.... so.... before I get myself depressed I am going to get off here.

Later.

Still dreaming.....  Are you out there?

Back again with the usual thoughts and complaints. Doing 98% of the work and no one giving a shit. Heard the female of the other couple that lives here state that she doesn't know what I do that is so important, that what she does around here is more... well, just more. We have lived here for 6 months... she has done dished 4 times (and then only half of what needed to be done), cleaned 1 corner of the living room once, and vacuumed the living room twice and she has helped with taking the garbage to the dump once a week for the past two months or so (although she has missed the past three weeks). That's it. That is all she has done. I share the dishes with my daughter but we do them EVERYDAY. I have cleaned (picked up garbage, folded blankets, organized, and vacuumed) the community rooms (living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and utility room) every week since we moved it. Okay, maybe I missed a couple weeks here and there, like the week that my brother passed, or the week that I was sick in bed for 5 days. But it got done the following week.

I just want out. But I know that will just not happen. Why? Cause I want it. Unless hubby doesn't come with, then I have a chance of it happening. Every place where we lived that I felt even remotely like I was "home" he did something (whether on purpose or not I don't know) that caused us to get kicked out. AZ and MN. Both times we had to move back in with his parents. The first time I had to move out on my own before he would even think about it. The second time his dad had to kick us out. If I am able to complete my goals (getting my 2 year degree and moving to MT afterwards) and he comes with, I will NOT be coming back here when he finally decides he doesn't like it and does something to make us have to move. I can see it happening too. I know he wants to stay here by his family. I understand why too. Those who love and are loved by family normally do want to stay near them. But I don't truly have that. I have my kids, which one would move with me, and the other three are more comfortable with their father's sides of their families. They only want visits anyway, so my coming back here would offer that for them. I do still want to purchase the house we are in and fix it up. But more so that we would have a place to stay for the long family visits we would have. I only have one cousin and three aunts that I would want to keep in contact with and well, that's what the internet and phone is for. 

Anyway, it seems that when we would hit the 9 month mark, if things weren't going EXACTLY the way he wants things to go, hubby would do/say something that would cause the person/s we were staying with to kick us out. Then he would use all the energy he didn't use in that nine months towards getting us back to his family. And I, being the loyal wife I was always taught I should be, would keep my mouth shut and follow him. If I am able to get out to Montana.... there is NO way that I would keep my mouth shut. It will be his third strike. I follow the three strikes rule. Why don't I do that now? Well, technically I can't. Not because we are married. Nope... it's because I have no means of supporting myself right now. I need to get my driver's license and an income first. Once I get those two things I know that I can truly start to consider leaving him. Now.... if my cowboys were to find me, then that would happen sooner But I don't believe that will happen. I don't even think there is anyone in Montana that even reads this blog, let alone knows it even exists. Plus living and running a working ranch, when the hell would they find time to even get on the internet if it wasn't for research purposes. I may be a greenhorn, but I am not without some knowledge. Helping out on a dairy farm when I was younger isn't anywhere near the extent a full ranch is, but it still gives a person a small sense of what goes on. I know that my current schedule would need to change DRASTICALLY, but at least what I would be doing would be appreciated by those that it affects. Hubby doesn't appreciate it cause after 14 years, he just expects it now, so doesn't see it. The other couple, well he was raised that the woman is under the mans boot-heel anyway so what I do is just the way things are supposed to be, and she... well she is an 18 year old who wants to be treated like a 30 year old but still gets to act/talk/be an 18 year old. Since I am old enough to be her mother she expects me to do all the "mother" work while she gets away with being a teenager. Yeah.... not fun.

I still can't get the pictures out of my head though. It doesn't help my depression at all either. Coalfaxx... 6'4", black hair, blue eyes. Ravyn....6'1", black hair, grey eyes. Nico....6'6", black hair, brown eyes. Not all biologically related but consider each other brothers. I know that some out there would think of me as a slut for being with three men at one time. But there are polygamous relationships out there that work. Current hubby... I don't know for sure if he would work out in the relationship... He can't do hard physical labor so working the ranch would be out. Depending on where in Montana we would be would depend on if he would be able to start/run his computer business. But I do know that he would probably eventually find himself a new woman cause I just wouldn't be able to be more than a friend to him. Even with the marriage certificate. It is just a piece of paper. If divorce would make more sense then we would do it. But if the "marriage" doesn't get in the way of any of the other relationships, then why waste the money. 

I also know that the names mentioned are most likely not their real names. Coalfaxx would most likely be something like Colton or Coal. Ravyn... Ray or the like. Nico works cause that would be short for Nicholas. I know that I am just dreaming while awake, but that seems to be the norm for me. I'll be sitting at the computer working on my recipes or books or something and my mind will just suddenly veer off into dreaming about living on the ranch, doing the simple housekeeping chores. There is only intimacy when I forcefully put it there. Otherwise it is just cooking meals, doing laundry, grocery shopping, working in the garden, and sitting on the porch swing after a long hot day enjoying a cold beer and letting the cool breeze dry the sweat off as we discuss the day and what else needs to be done. The intimacy doesn't happen for many months after I start working. I am to fat, ugly and self conscious in the beginning for me to even think about anything happening anyway. But I know that it is the men that surround me who, inadvertently, keep me from achieving what I can and should be able to achieve. I know they don't know that they are doing it, so I don't say anything. And most of the time, it isn't them, but me. With being raised that the woman is at the mercy of the man, that thinking comes through more often than it should. And with being together for so long, hubby has gotten so used to it that he doesn't see it anymore. Plus, I think he likes me being subject to his wants and needs. If/when I do try to change things he fights to keep it the same. He knows that if I get my degree and license that he won't be able to have such a tight hold on me. I believe he also knows that once I get to Montana, there is no coming back here for more than visits. In fact, I don't see myself coming back for more than a week at a time and even then, only for the family picnic in August each year. Come in the week before (Tues. or Wed.) and leave on the following Tues. And making sure that one of the guys is with me so that I not only have someone to share the two day drive with, but to make sure that the vehicle keeps running. (Yup, had that happen long time ago. Came for Christmas break, and the vehicle that was to take me back broke down... didn't get back till 4 years ago.) 

Anyway. I guess I will just log off for now. Lay down and dream my nightly dreams since they are the only thing I look forward to each day. It's sad, you know, that I look more forward to the dreams I dream while sleeping than I do that of the reality of my life while awake. If only.......

Where are you my cowboys.... Love you.