Ok... well some things have changed since the last time I wrote on here. We have moved. The view out my front window is closer to what I would like it to be but not quite.

Behind us is the town... in fact we have the school parking lot RIGHT behind us. We have a double lot, so we have plenty of room for the gardens that I would like to have next year. We moved in to late in the year for me to do anything productive this year. I even have room to have a small herb garden, a separate medicinal garden and a large vegetable garden. Plus space around buildings and trees to have the non-useful  flowers. So what's the problem? The roommates. We, Thor and I, cannot afford the place on our own as of yet. He is working, but he is still only temporary yet. Once (and if) he gets hire on permanent he will receive a pay raise and have guaranteed hourly work. Only then will we be able to afford the place...barely. We wouldn't have money for anything else... even gas in the car, but we would have the place to ourselves. I have no issue with the one roommate that is helping with the bills and rent... I have a problem with his..... in short, his whore. She has no income so she doesn't pay ANYTHING towards rent and bills. She has been here just as long as the rest of us (which is 7 weeks) and she has only washed dishes twice, has never vacuumed, never cleaned the house, never done laundry, takes 30 minute showers, eats 3 times a day (and no... the rest of us don't eat that much a day), never cares for "her" animals, and expects us (Thor and I) to give her money when she asks for it ("as a favor to the other roommate"). The ONLY thing she does around her is have sex with the roommate whenever he wants it. So, yes... that makes her a whore.... she gets paid for only having sex with a person. And it is pissing me off. I can't kick her out cause she is on the lease, and he says that he has already talked to her about being lazy, but nothing has come of it. She is 18 years old and wants to be treated like an adult, but my 13 year old has proven to be more mature than her. We, Thor and I, give the roommate $45 a week to pay for our portion of the rent, (we pay ALL the bills, even his portion, so we take that amount out of our portion of the rent. And he asked us to split up our rent portion into weekly amounts so that he has money every week instead of just at the beginning of the month since he only gets paid once a month.) We gave him the $45 last Friday but on Monday they were asking for money to put gas in the tank. So... where did the $45 go in 2 days.... that would have given them a half tank of gas.... but they ran out before the weekend was over? The sad thing is, we've know the roommate for years... so we know that if it was just him the tank would have been full, or at least half full, even today. But he doesn't seem to know where any of his money is going. Yup... he has his head so far up her ass that he can't see how she is taking advantage of him. He thinks she is letting him be who he is, that she is not trying to change him. But she is.... just by taking away his options manipulatively so he doesn't see it.

So, that is what is going on here. My long term plans have only been altered, not changed. I still plan on getting my degree and moving out to Montana. What has changed is that even after I move I will have to continue to help pay for this place. We are in a land contract. And Thor and I agree that this is our best option to get a place of our own, right now. Even though he hasn't said it, he believes that my plans have changed. I will help to pay for the place, cause then I will know that I have a place to stay when I come to visit. And I will also know that my daughter will have a roof over her head and the bills will be paid while she is here. I know that she wants to move with me out there, but in two years she might just want to stay to finish school.

So.. I have finally been able to start paying for the additional fees to finish getting registered for school. I sent out a check to get my high school transcripts sent to MSTC. With Thor's next big check, which is Nov 2, I will be paying the other two, plus taking the placement tests next month. I will also be renewing my temps so that I can start working on my license again. Hopefully this time I will be able to get more practice in so that I can feel confident when I take the tests.

I still have that dream though. The extravagant one where I get hired as a housekeeper/cook for a ranch out there. Of course my boss(es) are hot cowboys... but then who doesn't want hot cowboys as their dream bosses? I know, I know... I should stop dreaming impossible dreams. But then without dreams a person will never have goals, right?

Anyway. I am done for now. Just as a warning though. Most likely I will be on here regularly to bitch about my roommates and husband. So a lot of the blogging I will do will be repeat of previous ranting.

So..... Just had to add a nice view, hehe.

Found out yesterday that we have until the end of this month to get V into the same place as us, or we lose our assistance. Even though we are paying her expenses (as much as we can) Our choices are: she moves in with us in this too small apartment, register at a school that she will most likely only be at for about 4 months, then have to register at a school in Point (which is where we are trying to get to right now) but we keep all our assistance OR she stays out at the grandparents where she will be going to the school she has been registered at since 5th grade and they have more room for her but we lose the food stamps we use to buy her food and all three of us lose our health insurance. She is on ADHD medicine so she can't lose the insurance. Thor was told by Remedy that there will be openings at Worzella at the end of this month. But that doesn't help us now.

If we had the money for gas, we would move her in here and still keep her at her current school, since WI is an open enrollment state. But we just don't have the income for that. We both want to keep her there, she had asked that we wait till next year to change her schools. But unless someone else pays for the gas to get her to and from there, it just wouldn't work. AARRGGHH!!. First she loses her sax due to financial issues, now she will be losing her school.

Well... later.

More exercise than normal today. Doing laundry.... washer/dryer in the basement and we are in a 2nd floor apartment. So, one long flight and one short flight of stairs. 4 time already today and still have 2 more loads that need to be finished tonight. Then tomorrow I will do another 4 - 6 more loads. Yup.... they got way behind. He has back issues and can't lift more than 15 lbs. She.... I think... wasn't shown the correct way to do things. When she puts wet stuff on the line she keeps them up overnight. She only does 1-2 loads a week, which for a family of three (one of which considers her clothes dirty after only 1 use) is not enough. I haven't even started to make a dent out of the clothes needing to be washed. I only got through the clothes that were waiting to get folded and brought upstairs. I told him that I will wash, dry, fold and bring up but he/she needs to put away. I want to stay out of their room as much as possible. It's their room, it should be the way they feel most comfortable with. But I brought up about 5 loads that were waiting for folding and bringing up. And I have washed 4 loads already.... two more to go (1 in the dryer the other waiting for it.) Yup..... a lot more exercise than usual. And still not enough food to sustain the energy needed to do such things. Still need to do the dishes too. That is my last job of the night. Once that is completed, I am done for the night. It's always been my daily last chore.

Well. I gotta get going.


Later.

Was able to contact the correspondence school that I got my HSED from. There's another $10 I have to come up with. Sadly, My daughter is losing her saxophone, so we will have a bit more money each month, that I might be able to do something about it. It might only be one thing each month but it would be better than doing nothing at all. Thor has been told that there should be work for him one of the places he is actively trying to get into, at the end of this month. But that doesn't help me now. I need $10 for my high school transcripts, $15 for the background check, and $20 for the accuplacer tests. But at least I know what I need to do to get things moving. I just hate the idea of V losing her sax. We only have about 9 months left before the thing is paid off. If we return it now, and reapply for it after getting an income we will have to start all over with it. And there is no one that I can ask for the money. DAMN... why do things always have to work against me. What did I do in a past life, or even in the past of my current life, to warrant all this hopelessness. No work, no family, a marriage I don't want to be in anymore but have no security to be able to get out of. And I am also realizing that I am at that point in my life that some of my friends are not fitting in. I can't be 18 anymore. Thor can, and does. He wants to be that 18 year old that doesn't need to worry about where he sleeps at night. I can't. I just can't. I am that 38 year old that has children who need me to be a stable influence in their lives. I HAVE to be the adult.

I told one of my roommates that before we start to actually look for bigger places, we need to sit down and discuss a few things. We have only been here for a month, and I have kept my mouth shut because it is not MY place. They need to realize that if we get a place together, I will consider it part mine and I will not allow certain things to happen there. Like having a revolving door. Or selling illegal items. I have children that I need to protect, and even though I can't protect them when they are not with me, I will do all that I can to make sure that their home is safe. And I have two out there, that are now considered adults, that need a safe place to land. One is doing ok on her own, but life keeps getting in the way of making plans. The other is not so good. He has a roof over his head, but I am not to sure as to how secure it is. Plus he is ADHD and has not been on his meds for quite some time. If he does need my help, that would be one of my requirements... that he get back on them. He complained about them making him feel funny, but that just means that the dosage is wrong. And I don't think he was taught how to handle his ADHD, how to structure his life so that it isn't so bad.

Well, I have more things running through my head but I can't seem to keep them straight. So I will head out for now. I should be back later.

Things are still a bit bumpy. We have landed safely, and looks like we might be staying longer than we thought. The people we are with want go in together with a place. He likes my cooking, especially since I have been experimenting with new recipes. We have tried 7 new ones and have only found one that we didn't like, and even then it was only the side dish that didn't turn out. The issue is trying to get enough for first months rent and security deposit on a bigger place. We want to try to get a 3 bedroom house, one for them, one for us and one for the girls. Cuz right now we don't have enough room for V to stay with us. And she is not enjoying being out at the grandparents place.

My going to school looks like it might need to be put off until January. There is still a SLIGHT chance that I might get the money for the other fees but I don't think it will be early enough to be able to get financing and registered for classes. Will need to wait to see. I still plan on moving out to Montana after I get my degree though. Not that there would be more job opportunities out there, but because I have always wanted to be in Montana. I have always wanted to be there, even before I knew about my fetish for cowboys. Sure, now there is the want because there is a better chance of seeing such things than where I live now. Sure, I live in a farming area, but there is a difference between farmboys and cowboys. And a lot of the difference has to do with honor, respect and integrity. And I was raised with farmboys, my two youngest cousins are farmboys. Shit, I preferred being on the farm than in town.. but my dad didn't think it was "womanly" for me to be in the barn feeding the calves or in the field helping with the hay. He felt I was more productive in the kitchen. (yup he is sexist). Sadly, that is where I like to be right now. I can honestly say that I have turned into my mother.... and proud of it. She lived in the kitchen. If she wasn't there she was in her favorite chair doing her crafts. I have recently found the joy in cooking, and have been doing crafts for the past 20 years now. I WANT to stay home, doing the cooking/cleaning/caring... I just want to be able to do it for people who appreciate it. Someone who will do that little bit that I ask (like getting their laundry to the laundry room, or rinsing off dishes to help make cleaning easier) without question. Someone that will not accuse me of doing nothing important. Someone who actually works to provide for the household (or still tries even if he isn't able). Sad thing...a person like that doesn't exist in my world. I have one who doesn't want to work unless it is a job that pays more money than he thinks he's worth. If it is a job he doesn't want, he won't even try it. He has said thank you for what I do 3 times in 15 years. He wants more than I want to give. He wants me to be the fulltime housewife after working a fulltime job outside the home, with no assistance from him. Yes, I know that there are women out there that HAVE to do that just cause they are the only one that can. And if I was in that type of situation, I know I could do it too. I just shouldn't have to, though. I am married.... it should be a partnership.  But it isn't. And us living with others will not help. I was thinking that I would be able to let things go until I am graduated... see if the past three years had helped to make him see what we had (should have) and change some things about himself so that I didn't feel so....used. But if we stay with the current roommates, that won't happen. Although he might be introduced to others, and find out that what he feels for me is more like deep affection. We have been together for so long now that we are more friends, than lovers. We have discussed it before that if anything were to happen that we would still be friends, we would just give each other 1 year to adjust the being on our own again before we were to become active in each others lives again. Other than family situations, of course. He knows that I have made the decision to move to Montana after I get my degree... he, at this point, doesn't believe that I will succeed. I may have to tack on 6 months onto my goal but it WILL happen. One of my roommates has even stated that he wants to go with me when I make the move. I don't think he will, his attention span is to flighty for making a life changing decision like that. His family is here and I don't think he would want to be to far away from them. I know Thor won't. Even if he isn't speaking to his father right now. He still have his mother, brother and two daughters here. He won't be able to stay away for long. Moving to Minneapolis was simple since it was only a 4 hour drive. But Montana is minimum 14 hours. He would move out there with me, thinking he could do it... find out that it is more work than he likes and do something that would sabotage it for us... making it almost impossible for us to stay. What he doesn't know is that I won't be coming back for more than a visit. I have been trying to get out of this town since I was 16. Every attempt has failed. I think it might be because I was not going to where I was supposed to be. I keep having this vision, and not just in my dreams (awake or sleeping). I keep seeing the ranch. Horses and cattle... with a few acres set for hay. A white two story house with a blue rood and yellow kitchen. A back porch with a three person swing that faced the "backyard" where the clothes lines, small garden, horse barn and grazing land can be seen. The small (but adequate) bunkhouse on the other side of the barn for the couple of full time bachelor cowhands live. I can see it all in my head... have been seeing it for years now. I don't know what it was that suddenly made me need it. My age? My daughter old enough to understand? My husband not being the partner I have always wanted him to be? My older children wanting to be a part of my life after being given up for adoption? I don't know what it is... I kind of wish I did know... cause then maybe I would understand it better. This irrational nagging in my mind, heart and soul that I NEED to be there. Miles City. Something in or near there. Maybe a someone? No... that is just my wishing coming into play. I am in no way anything anyone would truly want. SF&F.... Short, Fat and Fugly. Short can't change. Fat will once I am in a place that I am comfortable enough to do the exercises I want to get back into shape. I need a place that has the room to do the exercises. I also need to be ALONE. I hate exercising when others can watch. I am to self-conscious for that. But I can never get everyone out of the house at the same time for the hour and half that I would need to do what I want. (no, the routines are not that long, but I would want to enjoy the alone time too.) Plus my diet is not what it needs to be to account for exercises. A person is supposed to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day to stay healthy (even with a lazy life style)... I only get 800. Well, I am getting tired now...so....
Later

Boy, you know you have it bad when you are sitting on the couch at 2 am on a Sunday morning listening to country music, wishing for that mysterious dream cowboy to come save you from your own life.

I don't know why, but when ever I look at Mikey's photos, I hear Josh Turner singing in my head.

Well, I am going to have to wait to start school until January. I don't have the money to pay for two of the up front fees, and I won't have it before school starts next month. In fact, Thor's unemployment runs out next month, so in about three weeks we won't even have money to pay for V's saxophone and our storage unit. And job searching is as productive as it has been for the past three years.

Not much else to say. Just here. No purpose, no need, just...here. It's a sad life to live when a person is worth more dead than alive. Just sad.

Later.

Well, unless my brother in law is able to borrow me the money for the other fees that I didn't know about, I won't be able to go to school in August. There is a $20 accuplacer test that I didn't know about, plus the $15 background check fee. If he isn't able to afford it, then I have to wait till January to register. And even then we might not have the money. What is it about me that whenever I make plans and start the process to better myself, financial and emotional shit gets thrown in the way to make it so that it doesn't happen? Like taking 10 years to get me HSED due to money issues. Now I might not be able to go continue my degree due to not having $35. I know that one reason why I want to push the issue for going in August is so that I can get financial aide. Looking at the costs, my pell grant will cover most of the cost of the class tuition. Which means just a small portion of the loans would cover the books and lab fees. Which would leave me about $1000 to help with living expenses till January. But it is more than what we have now. I also believe that once I get back into school, finding work will be easier. Employers will be more willing to hire me cause I am proving that I can do something other than just sitting on my butt. I will have to check to see if there is any other monetary assistance that I should be able to get with going to school. Plus maybe I would be eligible for some scholarship and such. Who knows. I guess I just have to wait to see what Mute says. Not much else going on. Hopefully by the end of this week I will have good news.

Later.

It's sad when we are sitting inside the apartment watching a movie, when the fireworks are being set off about 10 block from here. Why are we sitting here? Cause Thor doesn't want to be anywhere near the crowds. Plus since we haven't seen any of our friends in more than three years, he assumes that we aren't wanted. Sad part of it is, he doesn't realize that it is his choice not to communicate with them. The only way I can is on the internet. I don't drive so I can't just go visit them. And the cell hone we have is Thor's, so he doesn't want any non essential phone numbers in it, or at least numbers that HE deems non essential. I would love to be able to give the number to friends so that, just maybe, I would have someone else to talk to. But it isn't mine. So, I just have to wait til we have an income and get our own cell phone plan.

I keep wanting to find a texting pal.... like the old pen pals... someone from Montana. So that maybe I can have a friend in the area already, someone that would be willing to get to know me now, through texts so that once I get out there I would have someone to introduce me to others people. A person always needs friends.

Once able to, I will be trying to get back into contact with my other friends. I don't like my life as it is right now. I don't want anyone to see me as I am now. Since we are now in a situation where we can start to change our diets, that will help. Plus, since we are staying in an upstairs place, I get exercise going up and down the stairs. We just need to wait til the 14th change our diets. That is when we get our food stamps. Until then, we have tuna and mac & cheese.. Since we are all flat assed broke, that is all we have. We had to leave all our food at the trailer. What was left of it at least. We also have to make sure that we buy food and take it out there a couple times a month. V is still on our stamps, so we need to make sure she gets food.

Anyway....

Later.

I think I said this already but just in case..... I HATE this effing town. The only saving grace this town has are what friends I still have here. Being back here.... the only thing that feels good the feeling of being a part of a pack again. It is something my animal always needs, being wolf. Thor is bear, so he feels better on his own. But I need my pack. Granted I have only been in contact with two of them, and one is a child, but it still feels better than being completely cut off. Two Step has mentioned that if/when I go to Montana, he would like to come with. I don't know if he meant it or if he was just saying that with no intention of following through. There are a lot of people like that around here. Say they will do something and then not follow through. I will see.


I still have to call the school to set up appointment to take the tests. Needed to get myself settled a bit more. Will call on the 5th. Hopefully the office will be open then. I know that even summer school is off for the whole week. But fall semester starts on August 20th. So I need to get my butt in gear and get things going.

Anyway.... Since I am living at a place that has people that are not so set in their habits, I am able to go back to making my monthly supper menus. Yup.... I would make a menu for the month of suppers. That way we would be able to get all the necessities for supper right away. That way when we would start to run out of money we would already have all the required items for one meal a day. Breakfast and lunch would be leftover. But living with the in laws.... they like their foods cooked a certain way, or won't eat certain foods. So making supper for everyone out of the meals that I like to make, was impossible. Plus I need to change my diet.... I am in the beginning stages of heart disease. So I am supposed to eat leaner meats. And the in laws prefer the fattier meats. I they only eat corn and potatoes for veges. They don't eat fruit. All things that I need to start incorporating into my diet. (I have never been a big veggie person, but I have liked fruit). Plus my taste buds have started to change again. So I need to retry some foods.

How do I know my buds are changing? I drank a bottle of beer, by myself.... the whole thing. For those that don't know me that are reading this.... that is a HUGE thing for me. Before tonight, I have only ever drank 1 beer (and enjoyed it) once in my life. I only drank 1/2 of a wine cooler at my wedding reception. I just have never wanted to drink alcohol. Most times, I can't get past the actual alcohol taste. But I have had a craving for a beer for quite some time now. So, Two Step was willing to get me one (actually had to get a 6 pack) and I finished it. Not before it got warm, but I did drink it. It will not become a habit for me. But I might actually be able to get to a point where I could enjoy a beer with friends, instead of always being the one left out. Don't get me wrong, my friends don't purposely leave me out of things because I drink. In fact, I think most of them are pretty proud of the fact that I have not been drunk in 38 years. (guess how old I am) But being the ONLY one out of all of us to not drink, at all.... makes one feel left out. I never want to experience being drunk or having a hangover. I don't want to find out what kind of drunk I am. But it would be nice to be able to go out with friends and enjoy a beer or two.

Well, I am actually a bit tired. Gonna get ready for bed and, hopefully, dream of my cowboys. I don't have access to my pics right now, or I would put them up here. OH.... Wait

 

That works...hehe.

Well.... last day in the house. Got one load to the storage unit..... have another small load to go to the storage unit, but we have a couple things (bags of clothes, toiletries and our computers) that we are not taking to the unit.... we are keeping them in the car, with us.

I am tired. It's amazing how much shit we had in this one little room. Most of it clothes, but still..

Gonna log off for now... gotta deal with V's hair in like 5 minutes so....

Feeling a bit lonely right now. I just have this need to be with friends, but I don't have any that are available. Most of the people that I would have called friend haven't been around for a few years. They are busy with their own lives and I have been busy trying to keep Thor happy. He isn't one for being around people. He thrives in an environment where only a select few are around. I, on the other hand, have always thrived being with people of all kinds. BUT, I was raised that the man is the important one in the relationship. It is his wants and needs that come before all others. I know, I know.... that is not how it should be. I know that in my head and my heart, but when you have been trained since birth to think a certain way, it is hard to give up.... especially when in a situation that is out of your own control.

I have a plan. I know that I will go through with it. I have told Thor what my plan is. I have even told him that I want to do this, even if he doesn't. He claims to be okay with it. I know that he isn't. Not completely at least. But I have hit a point that I am so frustrated with myself, my relationships with everyone and where I am in life that I HAVE to change something. And since the only thing I can truly change is myself, that is what I am trying to do. It just sucks that I have to do most of it on my own. I need to stop hearing my father, grandfather and all the other old fashioned, closed minded men that have been in my life, in my head. I also know that I am getting close to my breaking point... I will need to see a counselor soon. The urge to cut is getting stronger. Yup, I am a cutter. For those who don't know what that is. I have a problem with wanting to hurt myself. For me, specifically, I get so upset and disgusted with myself that I feel the need to punish myself, and the only way for the need to go away is to see myself bleed. So I will grab a knife or razor and slice up my arm or leg. (I have never attempted suicide, that isn't what the objective is). It's almost like the hate/disgust/anger is so strong inside me that the only way to get rid of it is to personally cause open wounds that release the pressure. And since all the feelings are aimed at myself, I do the damage to myself. It used to be out of control in my teens, but I have learned to recognize the signs that I am getting close and have learned that I just need to find a counselor/shrink/friend that will listen to be vent. I will need to do that soon.

Anyway... my plan. I am going to get my 2 year degree. I am going for a BIT (Biomedical Informatics Technician) degree. I am trying to get things set up to start the next school semester, but I haven't been able to get a date set for my accuplacer tests. Plus I need to come up with money to pay for the background check that is required for all medical personnel in the state of WI. During those two years, I want to also obtain my driver's license. Never had it, never could afford to get it. Then, once I am close to graduating, I will start looking for work in Montana. Why Montana? I have no clue. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to live in Montana. I just never thought it would happen. I still don't know if it will, since a lot can happen in 2 years. But that is my goal. Simple. I just wish we weren't becoming homeless at the same time as I am trying to get into a degree program that required internet connection. I have a netbook that is wifi capable. But it is a bit small for all the programs that will be needed to take all the courses. I had originally thought that online courses would be best, because I don't have my license.... I wouldn't need to get into town as often (there are a couple classes that are in person, but the majority are online), so I would need to bum rides from people. Well, that idea is now down the crapper. Then, after Thor's appointment yesterday, he agreed that I can make an appointment to take the entrance tests next week. I get home to find the phone number to call and it turns out that their phone lines will be down, due to upgrading their system, until Monday. AARRGGHH!!!! I just hope that with getting into the testing late, I will still be able to get all the paperwork and financial aide done, in time to register for any required classes before they fill.

But this lonely feeling have invaded into my thoughts. I just feel so disconnected from everything/everyone. I know I let most of my friends go because I knew Thor didn't want to have that many. And even the ones that stuck it out, aren't happy with us. Most of them think I should have left him 5 years ago. And they could very well be right. But there is never a good time to tell someone that the relationship is over, and now is even worse. Neither of us are able to stand on our own. Right now, breaking up would actually do more damage than staying together, for both of us. But because I have let my friends go due to wanting to keep Thor happy, I have limited support. I don't even have a texting friend. Of course, we just recently obtained a cell phone after not being able to afford one for the past 2 years. Kind of hard to text when you don't have the object needed to do so.

And to top it all, I have been noticing some specific traits in my daughter that I have no one to ask about. And in fact, any person in this area that might be into the lifestyle are so hidden that I wouldn't even know where to start to ask questions.

Anyway..... maybe more later. I think I have ranted enough for now.

Well.... We have a place to land, for a short time. Thor's brother was also willing to put us on his cell plan (along with getting us new one cent phone), so we have a way to contact employers, and in case of emergency. V is staying with the grandparents, who now have medical consent to care for her. I am waiting until later today to set up appointments for school, since I would have to do it around Thor's work schedule, so I am waiting until we have a better idea of what that might be.

Not much else right now.

Until later.

Well..... It is official..... as of Sunday we will be homeless. V will be staying here, with her grandparents until we are able to get her somewhere safe. I don't know where we will go. I don't know where we will land.

I just keep thinking.. if we are going to be homeless here in WI (with no possibility of employment, why can't we homeless in Montana where there is a slim chance to find employment. School seems to be a dying dream. I keep thinking that I would be able to get financial aid that will help with money but I can't get to the school to take the placement tests. Which means that I just wasted $30 for the admissions fee.

I don't know.... I feel like I am hanging in limbo. I don't know which way to go. I don't know if I should waste money to try to get into school (most classes are online), or just continue hoping and praying for a dead end job. Or do I try to find us a way to get out of this state (again). I am at a loss. I don't know what to do, where to go. Wisconsin just doesn't have anything for us anymore, work wise at least.

I also get the feeling that with this situation, Thor will be making a clean break away from his father. He will still stay in contact with his brother and mother, but I think he is done with his father.

 AARRGGHH!!!!! Anyone... does anyone out there have any ideas.

 

Just trying to keep my hopes up. I don't think it will help though.

Later.

Okay. Here's the deal. We have until the 1st to find jobs, accumulate enough money to pay rent/security deposit and a couple months worth of bills. PLUS, we need to find a place to live, have the gas so that we/he/I can get to and from work, find a small amount of money I need to finish school paperwork and get me into town so that I can take my accuplacer tests.

OR... I need a miracle to happen and have my dream Montana cowboys call and tell me that they have need for a live in housekeeper at their ranch. Hunh... right.... that is less likely to happen than all of the previously stated things happening in less than a weeks time.

What is the saddest part of this situation.... I have been here so many times in the past that I can't count them all. My life seems to be just one big never ending loop, with small blips placed at random locations of time. Like the move to Mnpls, in '08. Just as we get to a point where we didn't need state assistance, we get an offer that we think will help us even more. Make the move and have it fail. Just to come back to where it all started and have to do nothing but struggle again. I need to find out a way to stop this circle from happening again. I keep hoping that school with do it, but I can't seem to be able to get the school thing going. Something keeps coming up to stop it. Just like my license. We had the money set aside for new temps, but then we needed gas to make a bunch of appointments and had to use it for that instead.

Is it me? Do I unknowingly, keep sabotaging my life when things are going good cause I don't believe I deserve better? I do know that if we hadn't moved to Mnpls, I would have never considered going back to school. If I can get in to MSTC to get the accuplacer tests done, and get the BIT background check form and payment in, I should be able to start school in August/September. But I need to be able to get all the financial aid stuff done before the end of the week. What's stopping me? Thor.... I know he doesn't want me to get back into school if it will cost us money. He says he's fine with me wanting to finish school, as long as it doesn't cost us a penny. That includes student loans, since we would have to pay them back. I see it as he doesn't want me wasting my time to get something that he doesn't believe I need, since I should be only working somewhere like a gas station and then coming home to take care of the king and his castle. I had wanted to go into town today so that we could stop at Figi's in Point and fill out applications, since they are hiring. Instead we are sitting here at the house waiting for a phone call. I WANT to get me degree, I WANT to move to Montana. But it always seems that when I do what I want, it backfires so drastically that my life gets worse.

Is it Thor? I think some of it is. I do know that he doesn't like doing any kind of work that he had never done before. He won't apply to any jobs that deal with gas stations, grocery stores or the like cause he has never done it so he doesn't want to try. I also know that he doesn't like be to far away from his family. I KNOW that if he comes with me when I move to Montana that he will shortly give up and decide it isn't working for him. He will assume that I will move back her with him, but he will be wrong. I know what he wants. He wants me to have the job, pay for all necessities, do all the "woman's" work when I get home, along with any outside chores that need to be done. He wants sex whenever he wants it, and he wants to think I want it to while it happens (yes that means I have to fake it). He knows that my ultimate goal is that in 2-3 years, I want to be living in Montana. I told him that. I don't think he believes me. I know that any who actually read this will wonder why I am still with him. I think it is because it's comfortable..... It's what I am used to. He's a bad habit that is just to hard to break right now. With all the other things going on, I don't think I would be able to make a clean break away. I'm not that strong right now.

Looking back on my relationships, I have only been a strong individual when I was single, or at the start of a relationship. But I see that as the relationship progressed, I would become what the man wanted me to be, not what I wanted to be. But once I hit the breaking point, or a situation arose that allowed me to make the break, I was able to stand on my own two feet and become my own individual again. The difference this time is the marriage part. I would need to come up with the money for the divorce. And in WI that's about $1000 and 4 months.

V knows about my plans to move also. We discussed it with her Psych doctor. She has already decided that if needed to choose between living with me and living with Thor, she wants to live with me. She has stated that with the way he talks to her sometimes makes her feel stupid. He has never told her she's stupid, but he implies it with other words.

I need to find the strength to do what needs to be done. I need to get into school, get my degree. And shortly before I graduate and start looking for work in Montana, get the divorce started. 2-3 years. I need to hold out for that much longer.

The funny thing is... my dream... the one that a ranch owner calls me needing a live in housekeeper, doesn't include my degree. Simple housekeeping, cooking, laundry, tending the garden. Not easy work, but simple. I have never minded being a housewife. What I have a problem with is my partner expecting me to do it all (housework both inside and out, 40 hour job, kids, sex) without any assistance from him at all. When it take him three weeks to break down 5 cardboard soda boxes, or 5 days to put 1 bag of garbage into the outside garbage can... well that is just a bit much. He tried once.... he tried to do all that I did/do at home.... he quit after 5 days. Why? Because he didn't get a thank you for doing it all. Wow... was I pissed. I haven't heard a thank you from him for all that work either before or after his little excursion into housework.

Anyway...... couple more years. I just need to keep reminding myself that.. A couple more years.....

Now THAT is an inspiration shot. Yum...... cowboy butts....mmmhmm...... gotta get me one of those. (pic taken by MajesticMayhem)

Can't sleep. Been laying there for 3 hours now.

We have 12 days to both get jobs, accumulate enough money to pay for security deposit + a couple months rent + a couple months phone/electric bills, find a place to live AND move all our shit. Somehow our application for housing assistance never got completed. Whether our fault or theirs, who cares.... it didn't get completed. I also need to find money to put gas in the car so that I can take my accuplacer tests at MSTC, and also to pay for a fee needed for the degree I am hoping to go for. The money that I had set aside for my license is gone, needed it for gas. I have the netbook that is wireless, so if I can get everything set up for classes, I should be able to get some done... I just need somewhere that I would be able to access the wireless. And the one class that I would have that would be in person, is the same time one day a week. So I would be able to have Thor park the car in the lot the night before, and just sleep in the car. I just need to get all the paperwork taken care of. I would be able to get grants and loans, which would help out financially, since they would actually be greater than the course/books cost this time.

Well, my mind is wondering and my typing seems to be disturbing Thor, and he has an interview today for a job. That is more important than my insomnia... so... Later.

Got an interview today. Know I won't get the job though. It is one that I had applied to previously, but didn't get.

We have until July 1 to both find jobs AND move out. So I guess my going back to school was a pipe dream. Cause there no chance that we will be able to have jobs, afford rent on our own place AND afford utilities in 2 weeks. V will stay here with the grandparents. She won't like it, but with no place to go, it's safer for her. We have the storage unit and the car. So we will be able to stay out of the elements. Most of them at least.  I just don't know how we can look for work with no phone.

Where's my cowboy when I need him? AARRGGHH!!

I just got even more confirmation that I am not a true part of this family.

I recently got in touch with two of the kids I had given up for adoption. One of which is eager to meet those that I had considered family. Well, three of those people have decided that my family is not worth getting to know. I can't wait... I have got to get out of here. Especially with this confirmation. There is no doubt now, that I will be getting a divorce, when I can afford it. I cannot live with a family that doesn't want me. It's why I don't contact my father's side of family. I won't take V away from them, that just isn't right. But since they don't want me, that won't have to deal with me.

Still haven't heard from the school though. Sent out the check to pay for the admission fee, just waiting for them to call be about the accuplacer tests. Two years. I just need to keep reminding myself that in two years, since I should have my degree by then, I will be out of here. Out of this family, out of this state, out of this relationship. I have lasted 15 years, I should be able to last another two.

Some True inspiration for moving out west. ;) Mmm, yum.

I am hoping that one of us gets a job within the month. The place across the street is going up for rent soon, and if we can get the income, we should be able to get into it. Money would be VERY tight, but at least we would be out of here.

Still trying to get into MSTC. I have the check written out and in the mail for the application fee. My transcripts from MSB are still on hold, so I won't be able to use them to waive the accuplacer tests. Kinda sucks, but oh well. I have to do something. I'm not worth anything without schooling. I can't seem to get a job at any gas station, and I have even been turned down for housekeeping at hotels. Thor says my going to school is a waste of money, but I can't make any money if no one will hire me. Something needs to give soon.

So.... still praying for Montana to come true. Probably will for the rest of my life. My dream shave a tendancy to never come true. I can't get out of the relationship now, because Fate decided that she doesn't want me to. Since the fight, Thor's dad has been cold shouldering us. And since I am married to Thor, I get lumped in with him. I just want out.


The sad thing is... my dream is so simple. Working as a live-in housekeeper at a ranch in Montana. Cost of rent, bills and food taken out of each paycheck. I just do the housework, cooking, and some small gardening, adding in other odd jobs when needed/have time. Of course, since it is a dream that will NEVER come true, I make my boss good looking and single.

It's sad how dreams diminish as you get older. My dream when I was a teenager and young adult was to be married, kids and large (1800 acres) horse breeding ranch. Then my dream turned into happily married, kids and 20 acres of land for a couple of horses and a dog kennel. Now, I want to be happily divorced, kids and working on someone elses ranch.

The only part of that dream that happened is the kids. Three I had to give up for adoption, one at home. I always wanted 5 kids, so I still have one more to have. Of the three I gave up, two have contacted me and want to be a part of the family. The third is happy where he is, so he has no need to contact me. He knows how to get in contact with me when he decides he is ready.

Well, I am not completely homeless yet. I guess we have some time before we are actually required to be out. But things are tense.

I am still waiting for a response from the school. As I though would happen, my transcripts from MSB are on hold. So I sent an email to the person I was corresponding with, asking if it would be something that would hinder my admittance. He hasn't gotten back to me yet. I figure I will wait till Friday. If I don't get anything back by then, I will send another email. He/She might be out of the office seeing as it is the end of the year. I know they have summer classes, and the office is open during the summer. I just need to get things moving so that I know what my schedule would be like.

I did some searching and there are so few places that offer BIT degrees online. I will probably do a more in depth search, since the one that I did was rushed and while I was actually concentrating on something else.

My Ultimate goal is still to get out to Montana. With or without Thor. I get the feeling it will be with though. He would have no where to go if I went without him. I just need to stop caring about being what he wants me to be, and just be me. If I feel like I need to change something, I should.... whether he wants me to or not.

Anyway...

Later.

Well. I guess we have a few days. I wasn't really a part of the argument. I try to stay out of them. But just as I was getting things straightened out enough that I should have been able to get started with removing myself from this relationship, and now I can't. If I get an offer to get out of here, I have to take him with. V will, obviously, go with me. She doesn't want to stay here anymore. I know that no offer is on its way, but....

It all started cause Thor was going to cook a pizza. He turned on the oven, and his dad went ballistic. They had purchased one of those more advanced convection oven so that they would have something other than the regular stove. We were told NOT to use it. Thor's brother has permission to use it, but we can't. Since we are living in a trailer with no air conditioning, turning on the stove increases the heat exponentially. That is what his dad was bitching about. Well, one thing led to another, and we now have, I don't know how much time, to get out. This happens often. It's one of the reasons I don't like being here. But I don't have a choice. My family will not or can not help me. Thor is so adverse to people that we have lost the majority of our friends that might be able or willing to help. So... since we have an unknown limited time to find a place that is free to live at since we have no money, I will not be able to go after my degrees.

This should teach me... it isn't the first time that I tried to do something to better myself and someone elses actions/words make it so that I can't. Even though I am no where near who and where I want to be at this point in my life, it looks like I will never get there. Fate, or whatever, seems to think that the world is better with me on my back on the bottom of this hole with no way to stand or get out. I just don't want to be here anymore. I know that I am not wanted here either. I have known that for a few years now. They don't see me as family, just as someone who married their son, and the mother of one of the grandkids. I know that they will never say anything to my face, but it's in what wasn't said.

So... my dreams are again shattered and laying at my feet. No Montana, no school, no degree, no new life. All I have left is to find a low paying job that offers true security, and a place that is so cheap that it is probably condemned. Will have to invest in an ice cooler or something cause we won't be able to afford electricity. Well, we have the car. I guess that will work.

Enough for now. I'm not going to put anymore "inspiration" pics up, cause that dream is now dead. All those pics will do, is make me feel even worse since it's something I don't seem to deserve.

Well, I guess I won't be going to school anyway. We are getting kicked out. Since I won't have internet, I can't take my classes. All but a few are online. So... I don't know when I will be on here again.

Later.

Well, I finally got a response. I won't be going after the certifications. They aren't financial aide optional. I am trying to decide if I should go after a BIT (Biomedical Information Technician) degree, or just try to continue with my Business Administration. So, after some discussion with an admissions counselor, I will be making some phone calls tomorrow. Need to check with some medical facilities about their caregiver background checks. I have three misdemeanor counts of child neglect back in 1996. I figure if only one of the three main hospitals/clinic in the are would be okay with hiring my for administration work even though I have the neglect convictions, then I will pursue the BIT. I did check, Montana doesn't seem to have a caregiver background check unless you are going to work at a nursing home facility. The reason I need to check with the local places is for the clinical that is required to graduate. If they won't allow me to even do the clinical, then I can't get my degree. So I will be calling the three big facilities in the area: Ministry Health Care, Riverview Hospital, and Aspirus. I figure if even just one of these three are lenient then I have a chance. My convictions are from 15 years ago and are all misdemeanors, and the counselor said that the businesses would take that into consideration. Sadly, I have to work fast, as there is also an Orientation that is required, and doing some quick skimming of stuff, it is a few months before classes start. So.... I need to get this done before the end of the month.

Well, that will be it for the night

Later

Just sent another email off to the school. Still haven't heard anything from the enrollment adviser. It's been two weeks. I haven't even gotten an "I received your email and am working on it" response. So.... let's hope something happens this time. I need to know, for my own personal reasons, if I can go back to school. If I can't, then there is no point in even trying to make myself more employable. I can't seem to get hired at any of the gas station.... Walmart doesn't even seem to want me. What does that say? That I am less than worthless. What is worse than worthless? I don't even know.... I hate the days when I feel like this. And the sad thing is... all I need to feel better about myself theses days, is a job. Something part time and minimum wage. Cause at least then I would be worth the air I breath. I have already cut my food intake to once a day, and only when food is made for the WHOLE household. The one exception is around the 14th of the month, we get our foodshare allotment then. So I buy some foods just for myself. Some cheeses and such. Those I don't share and when they run out, I go back to eating the 1 meal a day. But I am not worth that much food. I was always taught that you are only worth as much as you make. Since I haven't worked in two years, I owe a lot of money to those that have been carrying me.

I keep having this dream, and I know it will never come true cause my dreams just don't. But I get this phone call from someone, obviously I make it into Coal but he doesn't start off as him, wanting to hire me as a live in housekeeper on their ranch/farm. (I never really leave the house so I don't know what is raised/grown out in the fields). I live in the main house, I do all the housework (cooking, washing, laundry, etc.) and also some of the cleaning for the bunkhouse. I also help out with a garden (I am currently not much of a gardener, but I have always wanted one). I receive an income but not just taxes are taken out... there is also a room/board fee that is removed from each paycheck. It is to pay for rent, food and bills that are affected by my presence in the house. But I am working. Doing something I know I can do. Being an asset to someone. Feeling like I am more than worthless. Obviously there is more to the dream, like my daughter deciding to live with me, and my finally getting frustrated enough with Thor to file for divorce. And of course this dream takes place out in Montana. But since it IS just a dream I can make it takes place anywhere I want to.

I don't think Thor realizes how set I am to moving out there. I think he assumes that I have already forgotten it. I haven't. I am just waiting. I have things that I need to get taken care of before I am able to start moving in that direction. Since I have to do this myself, and my a fore mentioned dream will never come true, I have to make sure that I can make a safe/secure home for my kids. (I have some that will most likely choose to spend time with me once I get settled) That is why I sent that second email to the school. I want to get my certifications. While I am working on those, I will work on getting my driver's license. Once I have my license and am close to finishing off my certifications, I will start to apply to jobs in Montana. Obviously, I will continue to look for work here, in hopes of getting a job so that I can save up money for the move itself.

Anyway... back to looking for work.

Later.

Been a week since I contacted the school. The office assistant sent me an email to let me know that she passed my email on to the admissions adviser. I haven't heard anything since then. I would like to start getting this thing going. I still need to deal with the application and paying the non-refundable fee. Then I need to apply for financial assistance to pay for it all. I know that I can get loans and grants. I was able to get them when I was working, I should be able to get them when I'm not. I just want to get things moving so that I know where I am. So that IF I get a job, I can let them know that I will be in school starting the new term. I figure I would go through and get the medical office stuff (coding, billing, reimbursement, and customer care). That way I can apply to (and possibly work at) any healthcare facility. And since my ultimate goal is to move to Montana, I could apply to just about any hospital/clinic/dental/nursing home facility in the state. I am also thinking about adding just a few bookkeeping classes in there to round everything out. If my credits transfer I should already have a Office Assistant certification. If they don't, it wouldn't take much to get one. Then I would have certifications in Office Assistant, Medical Billing/Coding/Reimbursement, Medical Customer Service, and Small Business Accounting. So I would be able to work in just about any office setting.

All I know is that as soon as I get my first paycheck, from whatever job I happen to get, I will have to have someone take me to town, so that I can open a new account under just my name. That way I can hide some money from Thor. He has the issue that money burns a hole in his pocket. And I want to be able to move out of here as soon as possible. If I get a job in town, I should be able to just walk to a bank to open up an account. The issue is doing it while he isn't the one picking me up. I would then have to change my direct deposit so that only the money needed to pay our monthly bills and help with food/gas is deposited into the joint account. Then once I have enough saved up, I should be able to move. I know that is it selfish, but I hope it works out that I get a job (soon) then start school in the fall. While being able to stay here while I save up the money to move to a different state, and to pay for filing for divorce. I have the official marriage certificate now, so I have proof that the marriage took place. I even have someone who is willing to use her contacts and get me a lawyer for either pro-Bono or reduced fees. As long as I make more than $600 a month, I would be able to pay for all the bills, gas in the car, giving Mom and Dad money for help with monthly utilities, and money to move with. The sad thing about that.... I am wanting a job that pays me the equivalent to what most people pay for monthly installments on their car or apartment. Even Velvet's psych doctor stated that ONE of her car payments is more than what we make in a month. And she has two car payments and a house payment, along with monthly utilities. I suppose your wondering how much we make.... well after child support takes their portion, Thor brings home $31 a week in unemployment. That's it... that's all we make. $124 a month. Now, it makes sense that I would be happy with a job that only pays $600 a month. Obviously I would want to make more than that, so that I know that I can afford a place of my own, with my daughter, along with all the monthly bills/necessities. And since I plan on doing this without Thor, I would need to be able to do it on my own. I know I can do it... I did it with no help from him for some time before he got hired at the phone company (before we moved to Mnpls.) I did it after we came back for the time that I was at the gas station. And we were smokers at that time. Now we aren't so that is one less "necessity" to pay for. If I get a job like I had a Kwik Trip, I would be able to make it. To bad they won't hire me back. Tried that, didn't work. SO... school is my best option. Whether he wants me to or not. As long as he doesn't know about the loans that I will most likely get, he won't throw a fit. If the classes work out the way I think they will, I should have all my certifications in about 18 months (starting in the fall). But I should have some money left over for living expenses from the grants and loans for living expenses. I hope.... GODS, I hope it works. I need it to work. I can't keep going like this. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be able to offer safe place to ALL my kids when they need it. I want to be able to move out ON MY OWN and know that I will be alright. I want to be able to leave this relationship and begin to feel secure in my own skin again.

Well that, I think, is it for now.... might be more later.

One of the things that I don't like about Thor.... it takes someone else starting to do something that needs to be done before he "offers" his assistance. He does it so that it seems like he is willing to do the work, but offers late enough that his assistance will most likely NOT be needed. Just needed to say that as he just now did it to someone other than me. Later.

I broke down and drew out the front elevation of the house in my dreams. I haven't gotten the courage to actually attempt to draw the inside. There is still something wrong with it though. Something with second floor windows and/or the roof line. If anyone has seen, and has easy access to, a house that looks like this one... please, take a pic and post it here as a comment. Maybe I will find one that is close enough to the one in my dreams so that I can fix my drawing. I just never look up long enough to actually look at the second floor, and be able to remember it when I wake. Please help. Thanx.

I am having an issue. I see this house in my head. I don't know who it belongs to but I am always in or near it in my dreams. I haven't seen all of it yet, but the parts of it that I do see make me feel like I'm home. But I keep going through home plan sites and I cannot find the plans for it anywhere. I know that it is a 2 story farmhouse with both a front and back porch. It might be a wraparound but I don' think so. The front of the house looks a cross between these two houses.

I know that the upstairs is all bedrooms... 3 I think. I haven't been up there so I am not sure. And downstairs, well I have only be in the rooms on the right side of the house. The left, I think, has the office/den and a formal dining room. But when you walk into the house, there is a hallway in front of you with a stairs leading up on the left side of the hallway. There are two archways on either side of the hall before the stairs. I think the left one leads to the office/den... but the one on the right leads to a family room with a stone fireplace on the far wall. OH... and all floors are hardwood. Through the family room, to the left of the fireplace is an open doorway into a breakfast room with a large table that seats up to 10 people. Beyond the table there is an angled sliding glass door leading to a covered porch with stairs to the backyard. Standing between the table and the living room, off to the left is the kitchen. It is blocked from view at the table by a partial wall, where the fridge stands. Along the back wall, in the kitchen, is where the sink is with a window looking out to the back yard. A small island stands in the middle of the kitchen. There is a door leading to the space under the stairs where the "basic" pantry is. There is another open doorway on other side of the kitchen leading back to the original hallway. Across the hallway from this door is where I believe the dining room is. But if you turn right out that kitchen doorway to follow the hallway further back, I think this part was added at a later date and is not a part of the original house plans, there is another door that leads to a guest bedroom that has it's own small bathroom. This room also has sliding glass doors that lead out onto the porch, on the opposite side of the main doorway. Upstairs, I think, has the master suite and one or two smaller bedrooms.

I just want to know where this house it. I have NEVER been in a house like this, in reality. I want to believe that it is real... I doubt it is, but hope is... what hope it. I even know that the kitchen is a yellowish color. There is a half basement cause there are freezers down there to store food. There is a garden outside in the back. The front porch has 4-5 steps up to the flooring, and the front door has a screen door. There are porch chairs on the front porch, and a porch swing on the back porch. The laundry is on the first floor, I just am not sure where. Since I have only "seen" a small portion of the house, it could be anywhere, I just know that it is on the first floor. There is no garage. I remember that too. I do know that, if it is real, it is outside of town. I would say a good few miles. Cause I don't remember seeing any other houses while standing on either porch. The siding is white and the roof is a grey/blue.

I have thought about drawing the house out on paper, but I don't know the dimensions of the rooms. I can get a basic layout, but there is always something about it that is wrong. I keep trying though. I just wish I knew someone who would be willing to try to draw out the plans for me... but I don't know any architects. It actually isn't all that large of a house.

I don't know.. maybe everything IS all in my head. I want so much to belong somewhere that feels like home that I am making myself believe it truly exists. Home is supposed to be where the heart is. But my heart belongs to someone whom I have never met. It belongs to land I have never touched. It belongs to a horizon I have never seen.

Well, I suppose. Try to do something so that I feel productive. Yeah, right... lately there isn't much I CAN do to make myself feel like I am worth more than I truly am. Yes, I am one of those people who believes you are only worth the amount of productivity you do. So... since I am unemployed and not in school at the moment.. that means that I am not even worth the cost of the water I use to take my showers, nor am I worth the amount of food I eat once a day at supper. If I was in school I would be worth a bit more since I would be working towards bettering myself to get employment that would be worth having. And I learned the hard way, since it's not my house I try not to get in the homeowner's way when it comes to cleaning. I do the dishes, help with the garbage and include their laundry if I am short of a full load. But people have certain ways they want things done. And since my way isn't their way, I just try to get out of the way.

Well, off to whatever I go...

Well, my daughters hair, at least a small portion around her face, is now the shade of purple she likes. Now... to see how much shit she gets at school for it. We like in a small hicktown in the middle of WI. They people around here don't like things that aren't "normal." And having purple hair isn't normal. We'll see.

Not much else going on today. Got a few more songs downloaded. Some of my new books transferred into my library (I have a Kindle, and store my books on my computer using Calibre as a library.) So whenever I get new books, I transfer them into my library. I still have more to do, but I just didn't feel like doing anymore, tonight.

Still haven't heard from MSTC. We will be going to town tomorrow to get my permit renewed and to get V some more of her meds.

Not much else....

Here... enjoy the view. ;) Another one from MikeysPhotos. I am becoming addicted to his stuff. But you can see why.

Was actually a bit busy today. Had to go to town and show support for my oldest daughter in her state competitions for Jazz Ensemble and Madrigals. She came back home with us to finally meet the rest of the immediate family. Still needs to meet Thor's oldest daughter, Wemic (the oldests mother), and the Littlest One (my young niece). While she was home she was preoccupied with her boyfriend texting. I guess there was some things going on. I understand what was going on, it's just not my place to say anything. Then, after supper, I had to dye my youngest daughters hair. She had originally asked to dye it purple. I was able to talk her into just dying about 1/4 in of hair around her face. But she had to get her hair cut short. I think she looks better with her hair shorter, plus it is easier for her to take care of during the summer.

Well, Coal and I finally did the dirty in my dreams last night. Surprise.... I guess I can enjoy myself in my dreams. Now if only I could find him, or someone damn close to him, in real life.

No... I gotta remind myself that if I leave the relationship I am in now, that I will need time to find out who I am, who I want to be. To get my head back to where it should, to get my body and health back on the right track. To let my heart heal, cause even though I am the one that will do the leaving, I will still hurt. If I find someone, which I doubt as I am not the catch that Thor wants me to think I am, I won't fight it... but I will try to take is slow. I know that men usually work off visual stimulation the most... and I KNOW that I am NOT visually appealing. I am short, not something that will change except to get shorter when osteoporosis kicks in. I am fat, something that I can change... I just don't have the right environment/stimulation to stick to a physical activity to help get rid of it. I know that if I had animals to take outside, or a garden to work in, or outside activities that I wold enjoy, or even one person that would be willing to just take a walk with me.... I would be able to get back on track with my weight. But Thor, even though he says he wants to walk with me, doesn't truly want to. He is happiest when he is on his butt exercising his fingers on the keyboard. I used to be happiest when I was outside enjoying the company of other people and animals. (gave that up for him, so that he would be more comfortable.) I know that I am ugly, my acne/rosatia is genetic, so I actually have to take medicine for it, just to control it. Just washing my face or watching what I eat doesn't work. I have, what my doctor calls, perpetual staff infection. The way she explained it is, staff is something that everyone has, it is a part of your skin makeup. You get a staff infection when to much of it collects into one area. For me, 90% of my acne are mini staff infections. So I have to take an antibiotic everyday. One of my front teeth is broken, and our insurance is only accepted by very select few dentists. The one that we have easy access to has a two to three year waiting list. We got on the list in 2010, and last time we checked three months ago, they were just getting to people who had been on the list since 2008. Once I can get my tooth fixed, I will be willing to take care of my teeth regularly. I do it now, just not as often as I should.

What I need to do... it find inspiration. Clothes won't work. I may want to get down to at least a size 12, but I don't truly care about how they look on me. Jeans and tshirts/sweatshirts... that is what I wear. I have always had a boot fetish, but even if I do lose weight, I still wouldn't be able to get any as we don't have the money for it. I already have the clothes, they may be in storage but I don't have to buy them. Actually, anything that costs money wouldn't work. We don't have any, so I wouldn't be able to get it anyway. I could use pictures of guys that I find attractive but what would that do? Just make me feel worse and not want to work out cause they wouldn't want me anyway.... even if I do lose weight. I know that if I were working, I would have an easier time losing weight. I would have a reason to leave the house and do something. I would have more people to talk to other than just Thor. I wouldn't be surrounded by his selfish attitude. "If it doesn't do something good for me with a 24 hour period, it isn't worth doing." He likes working out at the gym. I prefer to DO things outside that are not only good exercise but they a productive at the same time. It may be simple things like hanging up laundry, or watering/weeding the garden, play with/walking the dog. But I like doing them with one or two people I enjoy spending time with, not a crowd of strangers that look at you and judge without knowing. So... what do I use for inspiration? There is noone that I WANT to look good for anywhere in my present or near future. There are no pieces of clothing that I dream of having. There is no physical activity, other than a job, that I have to lose weight for to do (and one isn't required to be skinny to work at a good number of jobs.) I need something, just have to figure it out.

Well, I think I will post some "take the right road" inspiration then I am outta here.

Cowboy, PLEASE, take me away. The stench is so horrible tonight that I am having problems keeping my supper down. And he just took a shower like 2 days ago. What I wouldn't do to have a porch that I could sit on to get some fresh air.

Why can't I be there now?.... If only.

Working on enlarging my country music selection. Not much else to do today. Thor when to get K (his second oldest). Gonna get Mom's oil changed while he is gone. Our SUV is getting fixed tomorrow, so we will feel better about using it then.

Gotta go into town tomorrow. My oldest daughter is going to state her vocal ensemble. They compete tomorrow so we are going to do our damnest to get there to show our support. She was one of the three that I gave up for adoption about 15 years ago. She and her older brother have made contact (my youngest initiated the first contact) with me, thank the gods. I always knew that she and her younger brother were on Facebook, but I couldn't/can't make contact until they were 18. But I looked it up, after V asked if she could send them something. There is no law, either for or against, pertaining to siblings making first contact in WI. GJ was the most receptive, S wasn't ready until a month or so ago, and G isn't ready at all yet. G is happy where he is at, so I'm okay with that. V is out trying to get her weekly job done before tomorrow (and before the rain gets here). Her summer job is to mow the lawn. She get $10 for each time she does it. That's the most she's made for anything yet. I have always wanted to be able to pay her for her chores, but with never having enough income to cover basic monthly bills... I can't even give myself an allowance.

I keep dreaming about him. Every night, he is there. There are times when I even dream about him while awake. Obsessed much? I can hear his voice, feel his touch, smell his scent. I've danced with him, cuddled with him, worked by his side. I see him all the time. He's a more than a head taller than I am (I'm 5'4"), the top of my head meets his collar bone. Black hair that barely brushes his shoulders. Intense blue eyes, that change with his moods. Slight western/southern drawl while he talks. (coming from the Midwest some slight accents sound almost alike.) Callouses on his hands from working with them so much. Surprisingly, sex never happens in these dreams. I guess I am faithful even in dreams. I may be with another man, but he and I never truly get intimate. That takes "loyal to a fault" to a whole new level...as I won't even cheat in my dreams. Why, though? Why now? Why so much, so often?  Why is it so intense? Why is it even happening while I am wide awake? Why, when I know he isn't real, can't I get him out of my head?

I know that I want out of my current relationship, but I don't want to hop into another one right away. I would like at least some time between relationships to be able to refind myself. But this, whatever it is, just feels more intense than just day/night dreams. I have never.... obsessed, I guess is the best word.... this much with ANY of my relationships. And before I "found" myself, I obsessed over a few of them. This feels different than that though. I can't explain it.

Oh well... almost time for supper. Later.

Well, now that I have finally made the decision on what goal I am working for, moving to Montana, I am anxious. I just want to get it done. I know that I have at least 2 years before I can actually do anything about it. I know that I have gotten the ball rolling, but it is moving at a pace that seems to slow to me. I have sent out all that I needed to for the marriage certificate. I have emailed admissions at MSTC so am just waiting for something back from them. We haven't gone to the DMV yet to renew my learners permit and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if we don't go. I know that he says that he wants me to get my license, and I like to think he is telling the truth, but he also knows that I have a better chance to get on my own feet when I have it. We have 3, soon to be 5, working vehicles at this house. As long as I put gas in the vehicle I use, there wouldn't be an issue about my using it. It's easier to borrow someones car than it is someones time.

Dealing with school. I know that I can get grants and loans. I just can't let Thor know about the loans. He doesn't want me going back to school unless I can do it only using grants. He doesn't think my school is worth the debt of student loans. He has some... his school was worth it... but mine isn't. But then again.... my schooling is one more thing that would help me on the path to leaving him. Something I know he doesn't want.

My biggest issue with this relationship are my own feelings. I just don't love him enough to want to stay with him anymore. Yes, sure... I am tired of some of the things he does and says. There are so many times the I pretend to not see him trying to get my attentions just so that I don't have to deal with whatever he wants. I let him use me for sexual release, but I don't get emotionally evolved in it anymore. I just either bob my head or grab the lube so it's easier for him to do whatever. It lasts just long enough for him to get off and I go back to doing whatever it was that he interrupted to get the attention. My own feelings about myself don't help matters either. I have no reason to be healthy right now. I have always enjoyed being outside, doing stuff like biking, walking, and such. But since I am married to someone that would rather spend all his time inside in front of a television or monitor, that is what I do too. I like animals, but since we can't even live in our own place, we don't have any. There is just no reason for me to take care of myself anymore. Why should I when I will never get anything better than what I already have. And believe me, I know that I settled for something less than I wanted. Even when I married him, I knew I settled. But.... I made what I thought was the best decision for myself at that time. And it probably was, but it isn't the best decision now..

I know I will never get him, but I want my cowboy. I want that one that knows hard work, appreciates it when others work just as much as he. I want the one that lets me be me without laughing at me. I want that one that knows that I want to be a housewife but doesn't take it for granted when I am. I want that one that smells of horse, leather and man. I want that one that I want to take care of myself for. I want that one that I am proud to go out in public with. That one that I don't have to smooth the ruffled feathers of others cause he is an asshole in public. (there are exceptions to that though). I want that one that understands, and is willing to go with, when I need to be around others that we like to be with. I want that one that is willing to just cuddle on the couch to a good movie, or doesn't complain when the television has been off for longer than 2 hours. I want that one that excepts ALL my family, even those that can be offensive at times. I want that one that had that awesome cowboy butt (lol).

Yeah.... that's a lot to ask for. I don't think a guy like that lives in my lifetime. He is probably out there.... he's just someone else's catch.

And it isn't that Thor is completely horrible. He is just....Thor. He is offensive to people in public. He doesn't take care of himself cause he feels he doesn't need to. He doesn't like to work harder than typing at a keyboard. He definitely doesn't smell like horse, leather and man. (He's never been on a horse, he doesn't own anything leather, and his B.O. is so horrible that it makes me gag on a regular basis.)
What he does right.... He doesn't complain when I do my arts and crafts. He doesn't complain when I look at other men, sometimes even points them out to me (although he has ulterior motive for that, and I do return the favor by pointing out women with attributes he likes...boobs). He doesn't complain that I have gained more weight than I should have (although he isn't helping my want to get rid of it either).

We get along, like friends. I know that, if I do leave him, after an adjustment time period, we would be friends again. I am friends with most of my exes. Once family, always family.

I just don't want to be married to my friend anymore. I just wish the ball would move a little faster. I hate just sitting here waiting. Well.... I think I have typed enough here tonight. Maybe more later.

Well, I guess I found one of the secrets of getting people to look at your blog. Post half naked pictures of people. I know that 4 views is not all that much for a blog, but it is the most I have gotten so far. What I don't get is where the viewers are coming from. When I check it shows me that most of my audience is from Russia. I don't know anyone in Russia, let alone anyone anywhere outside of the US. No offense, but Russia is not where I am hoping to get viewers from. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Russians.... But I plan on moving to Montana. So it is people from Montana that I would like to be able to get to know. Cause... when I leave here I will be leaving behind everyone I know (other than my youngest daughter). Since I married a man who doesn't like crowds, I have lost my ability to go out and enjoy myself. I learned to be a hermit because that is what he wanted me to be. Before he and I started dating.... shit.. before I dated the one before him (Reaper)... I used to have tons of friends and would always have somewhere to go with someone I liked. I had my first child when I was 18, I still found time (and babysitters) so that I could spend time with friends. Actually... it wasn't Reaper himself that made me choose to change for him... it was the situation I was in. I still hadn't gotten my head on straight. I still believed that a woman was only as good as her man said she was. My father beat that into my head. That a woman's place is walking behind her husband, head down, mouth shut. Only speaks when spoken to and NEVER thinks for herself. I wasn't that bad, never have been. But Looking back on all then men/boys that I have dated.... I always, eventually, just faded into the background. It was only when I was single that I was considered a strong, independent woman. Only when I am single am I the Alpha female that I know I am supposed to be. The funny thing is.... most of the men that I have dated aren't Alphas themselves. The highest any of them would be is Beta. Then again, Coal is my Alpha male. And no one will match up to him. What real person can equal a fantasy? I was with Reaper 5 years before I was able to grow beyond ingrained mental barriers. I am beginning to feel that same anxiety that I had right before I broke it off with, Reaper. I had felt it about 5 years ago, but Thor was able to pretend to change enough for the feeling to go away. Well, it is back again... and I don't think he has the ability to change my mind again. I have lived with him not willing to change, even just the tiniest bit, for to long. If you love someone as much as he says he does me, you are willing to change yourself to help that person grow. I did that for him, for almost 15 years now. But he can't even change enough to take a shower regularly for me. I've altered my whole world to fit him into it. He is still the exact same person I knew 18 years ago, other than the extra 100 lbs he has put on. I know that I am, physically, no nice catch.... but I am willing to change (or to at least try to change) my faults for someone.

What do I want? Well, I am realistic enough to know that looks does matter. If you don't like someone's looks then you can't be attracted to them. My preferred look is tall, dark hair and light eyes. The only one of those three that I have been the most consistent on is height. I have dated redheads, brunettes and even blonds. Dark eye and light eye. But all but a small few have been 5'10" or taller. He has to be open minded, compassionate, loyal, honorable, and respectful. I cannot and do not put up with any form of prejudice... at all. Bigotry, homophobia, sexism, racism and any others that are out there. So any man that has even a small inkling of any of these, will never be a part of my life, even as just a friend. The man would have to deal with my being still being friend with my exes, and my flirting with most, if not all, of my male friends. I am loyal, almost to a fault. (I'm still with a man 5 years after wanting to leave and have only looked at others, never touched.) He has to be able to deal with my family... all of them.... even the ones that I am not blood related to. Some partners, not just mine either, have been chased off by our group just by being ourselves. Well, my time alone has come to an end. Laters

Had to... just couldn't resist. NOT the same man from the previous pic. This is just some random model (I believe) that is pretending to be a cowboy.... but he still looks good enough to eat.